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BEST VIEW:

War of the Worlds III

Credit Union 1 Arena

Chicago, Illinois

8, 630

Desktop 1920 x 1080

[The now infamous Fury Studios logo glitches across the screen. Alongside the logo, scenes filmed by the studios are shown. Most of Tommy Crimson’s work from a long and storied career. The logo begins glitching in and out while also aging. It rusts down to almost nothing before a door comes into view. The door is encased by solid white concrete walls. A tapping can be heard, out of view. The camera slowly swings around away from the door to reveal a long corridor. The bright fluorescent lighting bounces off the freshly waxed floors and solid white walls to illuminate everything. A figure can be seen at the end of the hall walking toward the camera. The tapping is revealed to be the Tom Ford heels of the individual clicking against the floor with each step.] 

 

[The figure draws closer and is finally revealed to be Edward Murder. Eddie approaches the door as the camera slowly pans around just as Murder uses a keycard to unlock the door. A green light above the door leads Murder to twist the knob and slowly open it. He walks into the large room. Thick plastic pieces hang down in the center of it in a complete circle. Medical equipment can be heard in the distance. The camera shot pans to the plastic to reveal an individual lying on what appears to be a hospital bed inside. The thick plastic hides any other real details. Eddie creeps closer as suddenly the plastic becomes a canvas of sorts. Tommy Crimson’s many championship wins are shown on the pieces in glitches. Every promotion and championship win is shown except Sin City Wrestling because they are trash. Eddie looks over at a camera to his left side suddenly.] 

 

EDDIE MURDER

Yeah. Trash.

 

[The camera pans around to Murder’s back to show him approach the large pieces of thick plastic at last. The scenes from Crimson’s career fade away as he parts two pieces to enter the medical portion of this room. A camera inside reveals medical equipment and a hospital bed that holds one, Tommy Crimson. A beep can be heard that echoes throughout. Murder slowly approaches the bed. This causes The Fury to sit up slowly. This room is where he made all of his promotional videos for Valor Pro. Now it’s his tomb. Crimson lost so much blood during his encounter with Aokigahara Zombie it left him weakened. The match caused so much trauma on a body riddled with it plenty already. He then contracted COVID-19. He has since been healed of that but, it was too much at once. The Doctors revealed recently that he has mere days to live. Tommy has refused any medication for pain because like Charlie always said, "Pain's not bad, it's good. It teaches you things."] 

 

[The thirteen time World Champion waves Murder over to the bed. Eddie reaches up to tuck a few strands of his golden locks behind his right ear. Crimson laughs a bit at the sight of this. His own ear gone after his final endeavor. Eddie appears worried after being called here by the on site nurses. Tommy coughs up a little blood as he reaches over beside the hospital bed. Murder comes in to help but Crimson pushes him away. The Fury brings out his infamous human skin jacket. Faces molded in leather of all his major foes from the past. One of the most famous ring jackets maybe of all time. Crimson’s most prized possession. He looks at it one last time before handing it to Eddie Murder, who seems perplexed by this. Tommy then indicates he wants Murder to have it. A single tear streams down the maniacs face as he slowly pulls one sleeve on followed by the other. The Fury nods with approval of how it fits and looks on Eddie.] 

 

[Tommy has lost the ability to speak now. Weakened by a lifetime of questionable bumps to further a brand that left him a rich man. Crimson falls back onto the bed with all his energy gone suddenly once more. Murder comes in close as Tommy coughs up blood again. Tommy will not be at War of the Worlds lll to produce like in previous years. The production manager job he held has now been given to Eddie Murder. Crimson made sure this happened before coming to this place to die. Tommy reaches a piece of paper to Murder that he accepts immediately. The paper is folded but the back reads simply, “Crank’s location”. Murder will use this knowledge to control and manipulate River Echo for weeks to come.] 

 

[Eddie watches as Tommy slowly fades away. The right hand of The Fury drops alongside the bed to show his ring finger missing, lost at the Crown of the King Cobra, years before. Tommy dies as the machine flat lines and echoes throughout the large room. The sound lingers while Murder nods to himself for real motivation. June 17th, 2020 will be a day that lives on in the minds of all wrestling fans forever. The day a legend passed away. Murder looks down at the man that has withered away to nothing more than that one kid Mac knew in China. Now Eddie must take the controls and make this next show a grand success or be fired by Graves. Murder turns to walk away as the scene glitches to a close. Crimson's ashes will be spread in The Suicide Forest in Japan per his final request. So The Fury can haunt Aoki's people forever. Tommy wanted even his death filmed and edited to further "business". Rest in Peace, Fury.] 

New Year // Zero

December 31, 2016

Frontier Park Fieldhouse

Chicago, Illinois 

 

[There is a saying that goes something like, “Every end is a new beginning”. It’s here in Chicago, Illinois that we begin our journey. The New Year // Zero event to celebrate and pay tribute to Warped Wrestling with some of the best talent in the industry. It is here where Axel Graves ends his fifteen year hiatus from the business and steps inside the ring to compete in the opening match.]

 

[Sure it was a successful return and one that jostled the idea of making one more run, but the endgame goal for this night was to do some proper scouting and recruiting for the return of his family business. This was the night that Axel Graves sparked up partnerships with the likes of Dick Devereaux, Kimitsu Zombie, The Outliers, Anton Chase, Malcolm Dred-King, and Rogan MacLean — all who have stepped inside the Battleground at some point in time and helped lay the foundation.]

 

[With a pocketful of cash from his “silent partner”, Axel was ready to break ground and change the landscape of professional wrestling.]

 

L!GHTS OUT #1

January 4, 2017

Plaza de Toros Calafia

Mexicali, Baja California, Mexico

 

[The opening night of Union Battleground was a huge success. Mexicali was buzzing after witnessing the first half of the Union Battleground Championship Tournament unfold, with Dick Devereaux capping the night off with a resounding victory in the main event. The gears were in motion from this point on with a memorable rivalry that was a catalyst in the creation of the Battleground Network. Business was booming, but in the shadows, someone was growing increasingly impatient for their financial returns. Axel Graves would soon realize that no good comes from a favor.]

 

Burning Hammer

December 5, 2017

Hammerstein Ballroom

New York City, New York

 

[A full season has come and gone, and the Battleground is at peak levels of competition with nearly a hundred competitors stepping foot in a Union ring, spanning over twenty events. To celebrate, a one-off live event is held at the landmark Hammerstein Ballroom to continue the success. Axel Graves is on cloud nine, but soon the high would come crashing down, as an unmarked letter would declare that “It’s time to collect”.]

 

CUT TO:

Hammerstein Ballroom — Backstage Offices

 

[Graves sits frozen for a while before finally turning the paper over to Thrasher. The letter simply says “It’s time to collect”.]

 

DICK THRASHER

What the fuck? That can’t be, can it?

 

AXEL GRAVES

I know that handwriting. Dick, he’s coming.

 

[Thrasher looks panicked, seemingly knowing what Axel’s vague remarks are.]

 

DICK THRASHER

Well what the fuck?! We can’t pay him just yet! What do we do?

 

[Graves sits there scratching at his beard before a light bulb moment jolts him.]

 

AXEL GRAVES

You know the saying, it’s hard to hit a moving target... that’s just it... we go international!

 

L!GHTS OUT #25

June 6, 2018

Arena México

Mexico City, Mexico

 

[Axel Graves has been on pins and needles since receiving the letter. His solution was to take the Battleground across the globe, because “it’s hard to hit a moving target”. Season two would touch ground in every continent and everything seemed okay, until coming back to Mexico for their twenty-fifth edition of L!GHTS OUT. It was here that Axel would finally meet his “silent partner”, his older brother Gunnar Graves.]

 

[Gunnar was tired of the runaround and wanted the money that was owed to him. The international tour proved to be quite costly, and unfortunately for Axel, he simply did not have the money. Axel would beg and plead, but Gunnar didn’t want to hear it and took matters into his own hands and “took over” the company.]

 

CUT TO:

Arena México — Backstage Offices

 

[Gunnar begins to grow louder with anger, but Axel tries to defuse the situation.]

 

GUNNAR GRAVES

Shut up! I’m done playing games, Axel! Of all of the “business ventures” I’m associated with, all I ever wanted was to be a part of the business. You see, dad knew I’d grow up to be like him; but he didn’t believe that I could do it so flawlessly! I’ve got the connections that he could never get. I’ve got the power he only dreamed of. There’s a tradition to hierarchy, and that hierarchy was shattered when he overlooked me in favor of you. Well it’s time to restore the order and save the family business.

 

[Gunnar pauses for a moment before reaching to his inside pocket of his suit. Axel now senses he’s in great danger and reaches under his desk for his holstered glock, but the gun is missing! Gunnar pulls out Axel’s glock from his jacket and points it straight at his younger brother.]

 

GUNNAR GRAVES

It’s over, Axel. It’s time to collect!

 

BANG!

 

GUNNAR GRAVES

This is my Battleground now!

 

War of the Worlds II

April 21, 2019

Wintrust Arena

Chicago, Illinois

 

[The Gunnar Graves era was in full swing now. Somehow, some way, Gunnar has been able to wash his hands clean in the whole situation and sell the story of Axel “going missing” in Mexico. Gunnar has been able to keep the company afloat, despite the financial struggles. His strategy of keeping a compact roster with nothing but the best had proved to be a successful one, and nothing looked to hinder his iron fist grip of the Battleground. However, iron fists will rust eventually…]

 

CUT TO:

Wintrust Arena — Backstage Offices

 

[Graves approaches the office area and turns down a dimly lit hallway. Just as he approaches a door with his name engraved on a placard, he stops dead in his tracks. Wedged between the placard and door, is an unmarked envelope. Gunnar looks confused with speculation as he plucks the envelope off the door and opens the sealed flap. The note inside has but one message, and it’s clear as day to Gunnar.]

 

“There ain’t no Grave that can hold my body down.”

 

[Gunnar’s face turns pale with fear as he stares blankly into the distance. Gunnar is hit with a true to form wartime-like flashback back to Mexico after L!GHTS OUT #25 in season two. It is there where Gunnar finally took matters into his own hands on collecting a past due debt from his younger brother. Gunnar tracked down Axel in Mexico City and shot him point blank. With Axel out of the picture, Gunnar took over the family business and cleared out his outstanding loan. Or so he thought. Gunnar snaps back to reality.]

 

GUNNAR GRAVES

Axel… He’s alive?!

 

[Gunnar slams his fist into the door, and the scene abruptly cuts to black.]

[From inside the Credit Union 1 Arena, thousands of fans are in pandemonium for the night ahead. Some of the best the Battleground has to offer will be stepping foot in the squared circle in hopes to make history, and several camera angles sweep across the building showcasing the crowd's enthusiasm. A quick shot of Elijah Carlson and Perry Wallace, the greatest commentary crew going right now, lights up the big screen and the crowd continues to go wild. Instead of rolling to ringside, we changes gears backstage to catch a glimpse of our Interim Battalion Champions.]

[Walking side by side backstage, in their old little world, Jason an’ Maxx were walking by a gaggle of fans, one of which frantically called out to both of them for a picture. Heavyset, with a fedora, rockin’ a Cli-MAXX T-shirt, Jason looked from him, to Maxx, then back to him before tugging his partner over.]

 

JASON VAN OWEN

Ah, this is why we do it, Maxxie.

 

MAXX BENNETT

Are you serious?

 

JASON VAN OWEN

Like this guy’s impending heart attack.

 

[Speaking that last part under his breath, he turned around along with Maxx as they went in for a selfie with the guy, only to wave him along before the next person lined up.]

 

MAXX BENNETT

We gotta go ready soon, Vo.

 

JASON VAN OWEN

Show’s just starting, we got the time.

 

MAXX BENNETT

Whatever. Let’s do this then.

 

[It was all smiles and selfie flashes as they basked in the pre game glory with their surprisingly adoring fans that came from all walks of life. Who didn’t love their chaotic energy that seemed to come outta nowhere?]

 

JASON VAN OWEN

We went from dicking around to squaring up with Hellcats and everyone else. It’s kinda crazy, ain’t it?

 

MAXX BENNETT

Why crazy? Ain’t I told you we earned this as much as any one of them out there? Satanpussy, Danny and Leela, we fought for this stage and now we got it.

 

[Jason just grinned, nodding as they finished up that impromptu photo shoot with their strange gaggle of fans before finally pushing away from the guard rail. The night was young, but they still had a match to fight.]

[Youtuber MetalHawk’s rendition of “The Last of the Mohicans” hits throughout. The crowd begins to boo because this man has not earned this opportunity in their eyes. The lights go out! The big screen lights up as a three dimensional fire begins to engulf the entire stage. The smoke from the fire goes up to create three dimensional smoke signals that spell out two words, “River Echo”.] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Kicking things off, we have the DARC Horsecock Cham-- wait a second! What I meant to say was we have the Union Warhorse Championship kicking things off you you ugly motherfuckers watching from home.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I think you you’ve been hanging around the Skull Kids too much. And yes, the old boot man himself takes on some guy I’ve never heard of. I always find it interesting when holders of the WarHorse championship don’t just cash it in right away and go after the Trench War champion. But I guess there are still a few people out there who understand the accomplishment of building a championship up, rather than just going after one that a company labels as more significant.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Let it go son in-law, the North American Championship is on hold for the time being, and if I ever get the dumb idea to kick things back up please put a bullet right between my eyes.

 

[Suddenly Echo hits the stage as the lights come back on. He wears solid black trunks and a headband with three feathers in the back from a hawk. Echo runs toward the ring full speed ahead completely barefoot. He slides into the ring to boo’s all around. This good guy seems confused, but the Union Battleground fateful hate this undeserved opportunity.] 

 

MIKE DEMPSEY

The following battle is scheduled for one fall and it is for the Union Battleground Warhorse Championship! Introducing first, standing 5’10” and weighing in at 172 pounds, making his Union Battleground debut, he is the River Echo! 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Wow, the audacity on this douche. THE River Echo. Probably stole that from my old twitter handle. The idea was completely original to me obviously. No one had ever thought of using the word THE before their name before I did it.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Who the fuck names their kid River?

 

[“Play God” by Sam Fender hits throughout! Miles Lucky slinks through the curtain to end up out on the stage. The crowd cheers as Lucky struts down the steel ramp and towards the ring. The crowd lights up with fidget spinners suddenly. Lucky wears the Union Battleground WarHorse Championship around his neck. The lights dim to show the extent of the last match this man had on the masses. The glow of the spinners can be seen all around. Miles walks down the ramp only to stop briefly to scratch his bottom through his pants. He smells his fingers afterwards and shortly after an expression of approval, he slides into the ring.]

YOU WERE CRACKING ALL YOUR FINGERS

WITH YOUR EYES FIXED TO THE FLOOR

SOUND IT ECHOED DOWN THE STREET

BY THE MONUMENT YOU HEAR

MIKE DEMPSEY

And his opponent, standing 6’2” and weighing in at 180 pounds, he is the reigning, defending, undisputed Union Battleground Warhorse Champion, Miles Lucky! 

 

[The referee comes in to take the title, but Miles refuses. Finally the ref gets the belt to hold it high into the air. Echo never takes his eyes off Lucky, who has yet to pay any attention at all to River.] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

And there’s the champion. I’m still trying to get over watching him bite Willie Pete’s finger off. My stomach hasn’t been right since and before you say it Eli, no that was not Hartman. I’ve seen him bite someone’s finger off for a sandwich and he knows better than to put his fingers near anyone else’s mouth.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

You can keep lying to the public but we all know the truth.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Believe it or not, Hartman has a house in the hills and he’s been playing all of y’all. Never seen him spend a single penny in all the years I’ve known him. Then again, he could just be squatting on an abandoned home, I don’t fucking know.

 

[DING!] 

 

[River slowly approaches Lucky. Miles stands in the corner twitching slightly. Suddenly, he takes off full speed ahead directly at Echo! Lucky nails him with a lou thesz press that he transitions into mounted punches! The crowd pops!] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

And the crowd goes wild! I just hope Miles is okay with all that twitching going on beforehand and it’s not parkinsons. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone...not nicknamed Badger.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

HAPPY PIGEON DAY!

 

PERRY WALLACE

Pigeons. Of all the majestic birds this wacko picks a pigeon and not even the cool ones from Tiny Tunes.

 

[River manages to use his knees to knock Miles off. They both scramble to their feet and charge at each other! Double clothesline! They hit the mat to end up alongside one another. Lucky raises up one leg to indicate he wants to native american leg wrestle. Echo takes the bait.] 

 

[Miles raises his left leg while Echo raises his right while they side by side. They do this three times before hooking the two legs to find out which man has true leg power supremacy. The two entangled wrestlers fight but the reservation leg wrestling champion in Echo overcomes! He uses all the strength in his leg to push Lucky on over! River then attempts to quickly roll up Miles only to get bit on the forehead! Echo falls back onto his bottom with a small chunk missing between his eyes while Lucky stands up to ask the referee for the time.]

 

PERRY WALLACE

There he goes again. Someone please buy this man dinner after this match. Hell, maybe even buy him dinner before the match. If I was going up against him I sure as shit would to prevent him from taking a chunk out of me.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

If something works once, why would you not go back to it? It’s why I kept jumping off shit that I never should have jumped off of. And if they’re going to allow him to bite the shit out of people without disqualifying him, more power to him.

 

[River gets to one knee and touches the bloody spot between his eyes. Miles has drawn first blood. Echo stands up and comes right at Lucky, who counters a solid right balled fist that stops River dead in his tracks! Miles takes his shirt off and tosses it to a fan in the front row! Lucky then comes forward at the dazed Echo, who ducks the elbow to rush at the ropes on the opposite side of the ring! River bounces off to slingshot back at Miles for a wicked knee smash! The shot bloodies the champion's nose while the challenger hooks a leg quick!] 

 

...One! 

 

...KICK OUT! 

 

PERRY WALLACE

We’re not even one match in tonight and they’re already spreading STD’s all over the canvas!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

That happens when you’re competing in an actual combat sport and not something fake like MMA. The bloodied nose, I mean. Not the STD’s. I’m sure you’re immune to all that shit after sticking your dick in Desiree Drake.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Heard through the grapevine that some dude named Badger was on the receiving end of that liked video and if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to puke right now.

 

[The two men scramble back up to come face to face. Lucky’s nose bleeds as does River’s forehead. Lucky ducks a right hook from River to counter with an irish whip! Echo hits the ropes only to bounce off and be taken off his feet by Miles with a mighty shoulder tackle! Lucky then bounces back to his feet to hit the ropes once more to come right back at River, who remains down. Running leg drop! Miles quickly cradles a leg!] 

 

...One! 

 

...KICK OUT! 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Bite him for good measure, Miles!

 

[Echo kicks out then rolls out of the ring to gather himself. This brings boos in once more for this confused good guy. River quickly gets it together and turns to roll back into the ring only to see Miles rushing at him inside the ring! Lucky dives over the ropes for a suicide dive with no hands! He hits Echo to send both men down to the concrete floor! The crowd pops!] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

I’m sure that’s not the only thing he can do with no hands.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

He must have taken lessons from Nevaeh.

 

PERRY WALLACE

I was referring to sucking dick, not typing with his nose.

 

[Lucky stirs first while River remains down. Miles crawls over to the security barrier then uses it to get back to his feet. He realizes that his shirt is gone and then notices the little girl that caught it in the front row. Lucky charges over and snatches it away. The young fan begins to cry which prompts Miles to also swipe her blueberry snow cone as well! He turns around to catch a solid right from River Echo! The violent shot causes the snowcone to explode in Lucky’s face! River follows up with a swift knee to the gut that causes Miles to bend over, where Echo cradles him up for a pump handle slam on the unforgiving outside floor!] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

What the fuck River?! How you going to waste a perfectly good snowcone?! Furthermore, why the fuck did your parents name you River? Fucking idiots… SOMEONE PLEASE ANSWER THIS FOR ME!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

AND A FUCKING BLUEBERRY SNOWCONE AT THAT! Babe, if you’re watching at home, tell Hadley to cheer for Miles. 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Why is it that wrestlers these days all have retarded parents that name them after whatever they see on the way to the hospital before giving birth to them?

 

[Echo bends down to hoist up Lucky then irish whips him into the apron! River’s forehead continues to bleed after the deep bite from the champion. Echo reaches Lucky, who rolls back into the ring. River gives chase!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

This never works you dumb shit. Get the referee to back him off so you don’t end up with a fucking elbow or boot in the middle of your back.

 

[The challenger comes up behind Miles, who rises up to both feet slowly. Suddenly, Lucky slings an elbow back that catches Echo square on the jaw! Blood flies and River stumbles back which allows Miles to take hold of his right wrist to irish whip Echo into the far corner with all he’s got! River turns slightly before he crashes into the turnbuckles spine first. Lucky immediately follows up by racing towards Echo full speed ahead to perform a picture perfect monkey flip out of the corner! River hits the mat, where Miles hooks a leg!] 

 

...One! 

 

...Two! 

 

...KICK OUT! 

 

PERRY WALLACE

BITE HIM AGAIN MILES!!! Bite his fucking nose off!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

…. Is this a kink thing for you, Perry? I’m actually glad you’re inside that plexiglass now. You know what. I’m calling a hand check. Your face is really red and you’re awfully sweaty. What are your hands doing under the desk?

PERRY WALLACE

Sexting my wife.

 

[Echo gets a shoulder up at two and three quarters! Miles immediately leaps up and begins ugly crying while telling the referee something inaudible. The ref shakes his head in disbelief at the comments before going back to the task at hand.] 

 

[River rolls over on the mat to push himself back up. He realizes how close Miles just came to ending this one. Echo shakes his head to clear the cobwebs while peering up to see where the champion is. Miles is down on all fours now staring back at Echo almost nose to nose. River’s forehead wrinkles with real anger and frustration. The challenger leaps up to catch the champion with a tomahawk chop down the center of his forehead! Then another in quick succession! Miles falls back into the ropes to slingshot back at River, who catches him with a ring rattling spinebuster!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Did he just fucking tomahawk chop his face?!

 

PERRY WALLACE

WOW...A SPINEBUSTER!!!

 

[Echo attempts to hook a leg but Lucky rolls away from him suddenly. This further frustrates the rookie and when he peers up to find Miles, he is tearing at old scabs then eating them. River just watches on in disbelief before getting back to his feet. He approaches the champion but Lucky springs up and begins screaming and yelling while pointing at the challenger! Echo continues to come at the champion, who swings around with a chop across the throat of River! The violent lick robs Echo of his ability to breath!] 

 

[Echo hits both knees while Miles turns away from him rather than follow up. He peers up to the big screen over the entrance ramp. It shows clips from these two men’s promotional work and now shows the portion of Echo's video, where he pointed towards his eye to claim he had the “eye of a hawk”. Miles takes his shoes off while watching this before throwing them at Eli and Wallace at the commentary table! Echo finally regains his breath while Lucky’s facial expression reads that he just got a wild idea.] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Nice try you big dummy! My blind grandmother could have seen this plexiglass box I’m in and she’s no longer with us!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

This is your fault, Wallace. He probably learned this bullshit from talking to you in the DM’s. 

 

[River stands up while still rubbing his throat when he’s hit by one of Lucky’s shoes! Eli throws them back at Miles almost immediately. Lucky was hit by one while he ducked and the other nailed Echo! Miles turns his focus back to the challenger.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Someone tell whoever is in charge backstage I need hand sanitizer and a COVID-19 test right away.

 

PERRY WALLACE

I’m sorry but we can’t test you so we can make our retarded toddler president happy with lower numbers.

 

[The two men meet in the center of the ring already throwing fists! River throws a wild right that hits the mark and nearly spins Miles around! Echo comes in to wrap both arms around the champion, who slings his back to instantly break the nose of River! He falls back onto the mat in a seated position and Lucky swings around to dive down on top of the challenger!]

 

[Miles hammers River with elbow shot after elbow shot while holding him down with both knees. Lucky remembers the video with Echo talking about his “hawk eye”. Miles grins then takes his right thumb, index, and middle fingers to dig into the right eye socket of his opponent! The crowd gasps as this crazed champion takes hold of River’s eyeball. He uses his unkempt nails to dig in even deeper!] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Even though you threw those smelly shoes at us I still hope you dig his eyeballs out like the motherfucking Mountain! Too bad you can’t pop his head like a grape with those little bitch arms.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Oh fuck no, baby turn off the t.v. our Princess can’t see this. And she can’t be learning that her pop pop is into snuff films all of a sudden.

 

PERRY WALLACE

She better not be listening! I can’t have my little princess hearing the awful things that come out of my mouth.

 

[The crowd grows quiet while the referee appears confused. No rules in Union Battleground means this is legal. Echo tries to fight him off only to catch another elbow from Miles to his already broken nose! This shot bounces his head off the mat and knocks him out. Lucky now uses his thumb, index, and middle fingers to latch onto the eye inside the socket. Miles pulls the eye but it does not come out at first. He then pulls and yanks more and more until small children in the crowd begin to cry. People in the front row become ill from the display of pure violence.] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

FUCK YES!!!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Careful, Sadie is going to kidnap you in the middle of the night and make your life messy.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Fuck her and that horse Melissa she rode in on.

 

[Echo remains out cold on the mat as Miles pulls the eye out and it begins to bleed profusely. The optical nerves are still attached to the back of the eye, but begin to snap, one by one. The crowd comes unglued and the referee suddenly pukes in the corner away from the two wrestlers.]

 

PERRY WALLACE

Haha... what a bitch!

 

[Blood pours from the eye socket as the final few optic nerves snap to rob River Echo of his sight in that eye forever. The permanent damage immediately understood by all. The crowd is now silent. Miles stands up while holding the eye out as if it can still see. Echo rolls around on the mat in pain that he didn’t even know was possible.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

……………………………………..

 

[Lucky looks at the bloody eye as the camera pans in close to show the severed optic nerves dangling off the back of it. The crowd has yet to make even the slightest sound. Echo realizes what’s happened while still on the mat. A blood curdling scream escapes his lips. River raises up to end up on both knees. He desperately tries to regain his sight in the eye only to reach up and find the horrible truth. Gasps can be heard throughout when Echo wipes the blood away to reveal the hollow socket.] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Oh my god, his eyeball hole now looks like Big Bad Bill Walker’s toothless gums!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

……………………………..

 

[Lucky glares at the challenger, who rises to both feet to surprise anyone in the world watching. Adrenaline, slight madness, and this dangerous situation all factors in how this man is back on his feet.  This brings a huge positive reaction from the crowd before silence takes it’s hold once more. Miles laughs while holding out the eye and shouts.] 

 

"Now I got the eye of a hawk!"

 

[River comes right at Lucky, who simply tosses Echo his own eye! The challenger realizes this and dips low to catch it before it can hit the dirty canvas! Miles catches Echo around the neck and adjusts his feet quickly for a cradle DDT! 9:30! The champion makes the cover!] 

 

...One! 

 

...Two! 

 

...Three! 

 

[DING! DING! DING!]

 

MIKE DEMPSEY

Here is your winner, AND STILL the undisputed Union Battleground Warhorse Champion, Miles Lucky! 

 

[The referee is slow after becoming so ill, but manages to get the championship from a ring grip. Miles snatches it away while still holding onto the right eye of River Echo. He tucks it into his left pocket while the medical staff rush down the ramp to help Echo. He has lost so much blood that he will have to be rushed to a nearby medical facility. Lucky leaps over the security barrier to disappear into the crowd so they can’t take River’s eye back that he fully intends to keep. Miles may be wanted by the authorities for what he’s just done. The camera makes a wide pan of the crowd to show a crowd completely consumed by what they just witnessed.]

 

PERRY WALLACE

I know I’ve said some not so nice things about Miles but after seeing these last two matches of his in person, I have to say I’m starting to like this kid. I just wish he’d keep his shoes on during the match. He isn’t Cosmo Cooper!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

……………………………..

 

PERRY WALLACE

WAKE UP ELI!!!

DANIEL MacNAMARA

Magnificent.

 

[That his choice of words, or word. His first one upon hitting the screen as he stood there with his arms crossed against his chest, his back to the wall.]

 

DANIEL MacNAMARA

For all her talk of being Na Fianna, this little Muppet is nothing more than a twitter lesbian with her a chip on her shoulder. Well, Muppet, I have something to say in response to your kind words about pulling triggers and doing me in.

 

[That’s when Daniel leaned in and looked directly at the camera.]

 

DANIEL MacNAMARA

You chose to appeal to emotion, to play the part of being the good guy in all of this when in truth, you’re nothing of the sort. You’re a charlatan, a montebank, a fraud. You tried to play a role that you’re ill suited for. You came at me with emotional pleas when only sheer mental fortitude was going to get the job done, and then you dropped the charade of being anything more than someone’s set of holes because being disciplined was just too fucking hard for someone like you.

 

[Sneering, Daniel unfolded his arms, pulling his cigarettes from his jacket pocket.]

 

DANIEL MacNAMARA

Someone who honestly thinks that she can pull the trigger on someone like me. What’s your claim to fame, Diet Tolson? Beating Eavan fucking Maloney? Tainted victories in California Wrestling? Being a failed pupil? A failed daughter? An embarrassment to the blind fools who can’t see that you?

 

[Pulling out one of those cancer sticks, he plunked it between his lips, using his lighter to ignite the tip while he sucked on the filtered end to make that cherry burn bright red before speaking raspily through the smoke.]

 

DANIEL MacNAMARA

You were right about one thing though, Morgan. This is a fucking mercy killing, only it’s going to be you on the chopping block.

 

[And with that, he walked off screen to get ready for his match.]

[The scene opens with a fade in on a portrait of a woman’s face painted up to resemble a Dia De Los Muertos skull and a rose in her hair. The image itself shifts slightly as it’s merely a tattoo on a woman’s arm. The toned muscles beneath the ink covered skin shift slightly as the camera begins to pan down along the length of the arm while also zooming out.]

 

[Morgan Payne sits on a bench in her locker room, wrapping her hands for her match. She’s wearing her alternate ring gear for tonight: black fatigue pants, Doc Marten boots and a simple black sports bra. A black t-shirt lies draped over the bench beside her. One hand is already wrapped in black hand wraps and she’s working on the other as she stares almost aimlessly at the floor. For several seconds, she doesn’t make a sound as she just wraps her hand, occasionally stopping to flex it into a fist before continuing. When she does finally speak, her tone is low and cold. She doesn’t even look at the camera.]

 

MORGAN PAYNE

So dis is it then, huh Danny?

 

[She makes sure to leave her knuckles exposed on both hands as she applies the wrapping. She takes a deep breath and lets it out, both through her nose.]

 

MORGAN PAYNE

Dis is what we both wanted. Who woulda thought we’d be havin’ dis shit so early of me comin’ ta Union? I know I ain’t said much ‘bout my first match here, after da fact.

 

[She just shrugs her shoulders, still not looking up at the camera.]

 

MORGAN PAYNE

Whatchins want me to say? I lost. Anna Daniels was da better wrestler than me and Michael Hayden combined. Hayden, he wasn’t no slouch either. Jagoffs expect me ta be pissed and talk shit on Twitter ‘cause I lost a match. I went up against two of da longest tenured people in dis business and left it all in da ring. I’d say I did pretty damn good.

 

[Morgan swings one leg over, now straddling the bench as she picks up the t-shirt and holds it in her hands. She looks down at it, opening it up and staring at the front.]

 

MORGAN PAYNE

Still...I thought I’d have ta do some more climbin’ on da ladder before I had you put in front o’me, Danny. I kinda expected some mind fucks n’at. Kinda expected havin’ ta chase ya ass around between two different companies before cornerin’ you like a dog and putin’ you down. Alas, motherfuckah, here we are. War of the Worlds tree, which s’kinda fittin’ when ya think ‘bout it Danny ‘cause dis is for sure gonna bea fuckin’ war between us. S’gonna be violent. Bloody. Chaotic. I been lookin’ ta get my hands on you for whatchu done to your brother, the man who saved me when I didn’t know I even needed savin’.

 

[She stares down at the t-shirt again; a heavy sigh escapes her as she closes her eyes and grips the shirt in her hand.]

 

MORGAN PAYNE

I know you think whatchu think you did was right. Ya might even cry hypocrite to me after my recent actions. Difference ‘tween me an’ you is, I didn’t stab my savior in the back like a fuckin’ coward! Difference ‘tween me an’ you is, it actually fuckin’ hurt me ta make da decision I had ta make but I have ta wonder if you even felt a goddamn thing. Clearly not ‘cause ya went and rejected chance after chance after chance you was given!

 

[She cracks a sad smirk and chuckles, rubbing her hand down her mouth.]

 

MORGAN PAYNE

And you’re finally actually wantin’ ta fight me all ‘cause your brother exposed a weakness you ain’t forgotten. Not yet. You still love her, don’chu Danny? Ya still love Karen. I get it; and I’m sorry. Not sorry for what we did; usin’ her to lure you out. It put you right where we needed you to be. S’just a shame the job didn’t get done in Puerto Rico but: enemy territory..

 

[Morgan shrugs up her shoulders and claps her fist into her hand.]

 

MORGAN PAYNE

Here we are now, though. Union Battleground: War of the Worlds tree. S’just you an’ me. So let’s go ta war, oh Danny boy. The pipes...are callin’....

 

[She looks at the shirt again and folds it over, tucking it away in her bag, staring down at it longingly with a sigh before reaching back in and grabbing a plain black tank top and pulling it on over her sports bra. Morgan then stands and reaches into her locker where she pulls out her leather jacket and slides that on and steps over the bench, walking out of the locker room, leaving the door to swing shut.]

 

[The scene fades to black for a commercial.]

[The Union Battleground Battalion Champions screech into shot, hurtling across the screen on an equipment box on wheels. The whole thing nearly goes over as it blunders into the wall. Fortunately they manage to keep it square and go right on cue. At least in this take.]

LISA SELDON
Various viewers of Union Battleground, it feels good to be back ruining your shows with yet another incomprehensible and tediously sarcastic speech about ‘rasslin’. It’s been three years since we’ve been here. Three long and arduous years since - sorry, shows, three shows since we’ve been here. A time just utterly beyond understanding for some of you. I’m not surprised our opponents thought we’d abandoned the place. I’m surprised they even remembered our names.

[Lisa looks shocked, theatrically shocked as she steps up to take the lead. Ana leaves her to it, keeping her seat on the box.]

LISA SELDON
Sure we’ve been here like a year, I’ve been here a little longer. We ran through basically everyone they could get until we were just hauling names off the street to fight us. Carrying this company, taking the name everywhere, hunting out legitimate contenders instead of just whichever garbage-people could lay a hand on someone they recognised well enough to be a team.

[She sits us with that for a second, before ramping right back up.]

LISA SELDON
Three shows though. A lifetime. And what did the hottest two tag teams in the world do while we were eating fucking grapes on the moon and ignoring management’s cries for help? Nothing and not much? Fight each other for some paper belts and have a slap fight about which one of them had revitalised the division?

[She draws her eyes off us and shakes her head.]

LISA SELDON
We put this place on our backs in its darkest time. We brought you contenders, we brought you fucking champions. We put the word out, we brought viewers, we brought attention. We were the ones selling Union to the world. We were the ones selling Union to you. When all the names fell away. Elena, Kimi, Whelan, the Rebels, Layton, Daniels, that weird evil Mummy. When they all left this place behind we were still here. Us and baldy, holding it all together.

[She leaves a rather blunt silence.]

LISA SELDON
But hey. Three shows, right? Unforgivable.

[She rolls her eyes while she takes a step back.]
 

ANASTASIA HAYDEN

If anything, these teams should be grateful we stepped away from the spotlight for a bit. All everyone seems to want is that spotlight, so we gave it to you. We allowed them to make a name for themselves and get their shit sorted out before we came back. And we expected to come back to face a proper team, instead we got two messes to clean up because you four couldn't handle yourselves like some fucking professionals.

 

[A rather loud scoff from the recently turned ten year veteran. Ana knew better than to set any kind of expectations from their challengers, but she was still hoping for at least something competent from them.]

ANASTASIA HAYDEN

And while the Hellcats may still be relatively new in the grand scheme of things, Lisa and I have been doing this wrestling thing for a long, long time. We’ve seen just about everything there is to see and we’re still standing here. When we had obstacles in our way in the past, we overcame them. I was destined to be a bridesmaid forever when it came to the 4CW Championship, but instead of muddying shit up, I focused up, and I became a two-time 4CW Champion.

 

[She smiles at the mention of that; never one to shy away from getting the opportunity to mention that she’s still a world champion regardless of the hiatus.]

ANASTASIA HAYDEN

Lisa’s constantly going all over the world and went through hell and back to win the Carnage Carnival. So you’ll have to understand where we’re coming from when we talk about how disappointed we are in all of this. As far as I’m concerned, you two only got a taste of adversity, but you think that iron sharpens iron and because of that, you’ll be ready to dethrone us?

 

[Another favorite trope of Ana’s: The rhetoric question and even though she knew an answer would never come, she still let some time pass by over the incredulous beliefs held by the challengers.]

ANASTASIA HAYDEN

Like Lisa said, we scoured the Earth to bring in the best tag teams to face us. And when they didn’t want to come here, we went out to them. Now we’re here at War of the Worlds to face Danny, Leela, Jason, and Maxx. Do you four know why we aren’t facing established teams? Because we beat them all. And you think that because you teamed up for a couple shows, that’s going to give you any kind of edge against us.

 

[Hammering it in again, Ana looks to remove any doubt about the ability of the Hellcats and their confidence going in.]


ANASTASIA HAYDEN

Unlikely.

 

[Ana walks off her homerun, leaving Lisa to clean up.]

LISA SELDON
Let me say it again, I’m sorry we weren’t here. I’m sorry we blinked and let this shoulda been contenders get carried away thinking they were champions. From the very first day we turned up and popped open our first head, this division has belonged to us. And I can only apologise if for one second we ever let you think otherwise.

[She takes a step out to join her partner.]

MIKE DEMPSEY

The following battle is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, standing 5’4” tall and weighing in at 130 pounds, from McKeesport, Pennsylvania, presenting Morgan Payne!

 

[The lights go out, shrouding the arena in darkness as those opening beats to "Heart Of A Champion" bumps through the speakers. As soon as the guitar riff starts, the video wall comes to life with a grainy reel of the streets of McKeesport, PA while the back wall screen comes to life with a combined static and barbwire design.]

​♫

MIC CHECK, YO, MAN, FUCK YOU

I GOT SOME COKE IN MY SOCK AND A COUPLE ROCKS TOO

I GOT A BOTTLE FULL OF KETEL, DRUNK, PEDAL TO THE METAL

GOT SOME BEEF I GOTTA SETTLE, BUT YOU GOTTA CHECK THE DENTALS

​[As the lyrics to the song start, the video wall switches to images of a woman in a hooded sweatshirt, sitting in a chair with a studded shillelagh being held vertical under one hand, in between her knees. Her hand spins the club like a top as the camera cuts around to different angles of her in the black and white video. The final clip shows a closeup of her lifting her cold, merciless eyes to the camera before the video of McKeesport fills the screen again.]

 

PERRY WALLACE

Eli, as much as I would like to sit here and talk with you, and you know how much I love to talk, I just don’t think I can. My wonderful mother always taught me that if I can’t say anything nice then I shouldn’t say anything at all and believe me when I say this, I couldn’t say anything nice about this matchup even if I was shit faced and lying.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Alright well good that gives me the chance to ask you a serious question. I was watching CNN and I could have sworn that I saw you on stage at that Trump rally in Tulsa. What the hell were you doing there?

 

PERRY WALLACE

Bull-fucking-shit. I hope that orange fuck dies IRL.

 

[As “I'm crossing out names” is heard, a black silhouette walks out into view in front of the staticy barbwire image on the back wall. The silhouette turns towards the camera from the distance and steps out onto the stage, wielding the same shillelagh seen in the video. The figure twirls the weapon lazily once at their side before resting it over their shoulder. The lighting changes just enough to illuminate the figure, revealing none other than Morgan Payne! She stares down the ramp with coldness in her heterochromic eyes, briefly glancing around at the audience.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

You know the whole two colored eyes thing is a lot cooler in Huskies than it is people. 

 

PERRY WALLACE

She’s not a person, she’s a racist loving twitter lesbian.

 

[Morgan walks down to the ring intently but in no rush at all. The look on her face, cold and hard, never changes as she reaches ringside and ascends the steps before entering the ring over the middle rope. As soon as she’s in the ring, she brings the shillelagh back up onto her shoulder and moves to a corner, climbing the turnbuckle and raises her shillelagh overhead to the jeering audience. Once she steps down, she sets her shillelagh in the corner, throwing back her hood and removing her jacket, tossing it over the ropes to the timekeeper as she turns around, facing inside the ring and loosening up some.]

 

PERRY WALLACE

Haha, she has a shillelagh! Who does she think she is… TheeJay?! I’m going to have to read the disclaimer before we get down to business here tonight.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

The commentary for this match, and all other matches on the War of the Worlds card tonight does not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of Union Battleground Incorporated…

 

PERRY WALLACE

But they do reflect ours and if the listeners don’t like it, they can cancel themselves and fuck right on off.

 

MIKE DEMPSEY

And her opponent, standing 6’3” tall and weighing in at 179 pounds, from Armagh, Northern Ireland, presenting Daniel MacNamara!

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN IT WAS A LONG RUN

 SHOOK MY HEAD AND MY WAY HOME. 

BUT WHEN I TURNED I LAID MY EYES ON A DIRTY ANGEL WITH A BROKEN HALO.

SPIRITS LEAD ME TO THE OTHER SIDE

[Daniel appears on the stage with his championship draped over his shoulder, shining brightly, as “Bring Me The Disco King” by David Bowie and James Maynard hits the loudspeaker throughout the arena. MacNamara gets the crowd riled up almost immediately. Boo’s come down as he almost struts to the ring. MacNamara walks up the rings steps before gliding between the ropes to take center stage. Danny strikes a pose right overtop the eroded Battleground star canvas decal as the boos continue to rain down.]

 

PERRY WALLACE

And here he is, the autistic dumb fuck who who thinks someone is a fan for talking about how shitty of a person they are. 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Union Battleground denies any responsibility for the comments made by the commentary team and warns fans that the things that are said may be offensive to people with special needs, physical disabilities, or who live in their mothers basements living out their lesbian fetish through twitter with instagram models that look like cats.

 

PERRY WALLACE

See Danny, I’m not the only one talking badly about you.

 

[Danny turns his back against his opponent, which proves to be a costly mistake as Morgan ambushes him with a flying forearm to the back of the neck to kick things off!]

 

PERRY WALLACE

If you have to go now’s the time to do it folks because going to the bathroom is by far the better option than having to sit here and watch this dumpster fire of a match between little pissboy Danny and Morgan ‘no my girlfriend isn’t racist even though she tweeted a picture with the hard R in it to a person of color’ Payne.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Further, Union Battleground promotes a culture of acceptance of those from any background, including from Ireland or other countries where they can’t spell the words fuck or shit properly. And last, but not least, Union Battleground stands with People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals and in no way, shape or form would celebrate or support harm, whether physical, mental or emotional, befalling any animals, and certainly not Badgers.

 

[DING!]

 

[The bell echoes through the building but the action has already begun. Daniel MacNamara grabs at the back of his head, hunkered over from the cheap shot from behind, while Morgan Payne continues to attack. She hammers away with a flurry of 12-to-6 elbow strikes to the back of the head while Danny tries to defend himself. MacNamara tries to escape but Morgan changes levels and throws a shoulder right into the back of Daniel’s knee for a chop block. Danny nearly collapses under his own weight, but is able to stumble over to the corner and catch himself.]

 

PERRY WALLACE

So Eli, have you had the pleasure of watching that terrible movie she’s in with Sweetie on that trash ass Splat network that has me blocked because their graphics are shit along with everyone associated with it? I’m not even going to mention them looking for another social media platform because they can’t take criticism without their pussies hurting.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I tried to find Splat Media but when I googled it all I got was an article about Misty Demeans failing multiple drug tests.

 

PERRY WALLACE

That’s odd, I clicked images and the first thing that showed up was a badger getting a facial.

 

[Payne stays hot on MacNamara’s trail as she grabs him by his red hair and begins smashing his face right into the turnbuckle. One after another, Payne feeds off of the adrenaline before finally stopping and pulling Danny backfirst to the mat by the hair. MacNamara rolls on the ground in pain, clenching at the front and back of his head while Payne marvels at her work for a moment. While Danny continues to wallow, Morgan steps up and springs off from the middle ropes and comes crashing down with a double foot stomp onto Danny’s head. With a sinister smirk, Morgan drops to her knees and hooks a leg to make a cover.]

 

… One!

 

… Tw — Kick out!

 

PERRY WALLACE

That double stomp could have been more effective if she didn’t look like a cancer patient weighing all of seventy pounds.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Meth is a hell of a drug.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Tell Freedumb that after he tweeted once for seventy-two hours straight with no breaks.

 

[Daniel kicks out quickly without much of a surprise from Morgan, who’s still flashing that wicked grin. Morgan slithers over top of MacNamara in a full mount position and begins dropping hammer fists left and right. Morgan has confidently softened up her opponent on the ground and wants to stand this fight back up. She stands to her feet and begins to drag MacNamara up with her. However, just as he gets to his knees, Danny executes a crotch lift and picks Morgan up onto his shoulders! In one fluid motion, Danny stands tall before falling back and dropping Payne with a high angle slam right on her head!]

 

[The crowd pops as Danny hits the Belfast Screw Job and completely turns the tides in his favor. Still reeling from the attack though, MacNamara struggles to get back to his feet. As he slowly does so, he notices Morgan stirring and trying to make her way to her feet as well. Danny thinks fast and hits the ropes. On the return, Morgan just starts to get to a base and eats a perfectly timed claymore kick from MacNamara!]

 

PERRY WALLACE

I expect her face to change once again after that kick to her ugly ass mug.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

You ever notice how everyone from Northern Ireland names their shit after Belfast? Like you couldn’t just name the shit the Screw Job. You had to name it Belfast Screw Job? I’m going to go to the store after the show and buy me some Belfast Lucky Charms.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Almost as bad as the Cleveland Steamer for all those Browns fans out there.

 

[Morgan hits the canvas hard from the impact of the kick, and now MacNamara is starting to get amped up and really find his groove. He scans the crowd for just a moment, feeding into the frenzy, before walking back over to his fallen opponent. With Payne still limp on the ground, Danny locks his hands tight around her waist and explodes his hips up. WIth more showcasing of his fluid agility, MacNamara lifts Morgan Payne up and over and batters her with a deadlift German suplex!]

 

PERRY WALLACE

Now I know she weighs seventy pounds but even that stick armed F word isn’t strong enough to pick her up from that position. Are we sure there aren’t any cables assisting him with that like in the ninja movies?

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

There’s a suicide joke coming next, isn’t there?

 

PERRY WALLACE

No, but I’m not opposed to watching that happen inside of that ring.

 

[The booming thud of both wrestlers’ bodies slamming onto the mat resonates through the arena but MacNamara pops back up to his feet and plays to the raucous crowd. Danny looks down at Morgan clenching her back and throbbing in pain and sparks an idea. He runs across the ring and slides out to ringside, and wouldn’t you know it, starts digging under the apron, looking for some playthings. Danny pulls out a table but tosses it aside, seemingly not interested but perhaps something he might use later.]

 

PERRY WALLACE

I hope the next thing he pulls out is a handgun so he can off himself and that retard dumb fuck who goes by the name Badger.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

And there it is.

PERRY WALLACE

Couldn’t disappoint my favorite son in-law.

 

[Instead he pulls out a steel chair, and gives it a solid smack against the apron to test it out. He slides the folded chair in and rolls back in the ring and notices Morgan struggling to get back to her feet. Using the ropes for leverage, Payne isn’t aware of her surroundings but solely focused on regaining her ground. Danny watches on with perked ears as Morgan strains to get to her feet. He sees his moment with Morgan  hunched over the ropes to catch her breath and makes a run toward her. Danny once again grabs her by the waist and rolls up over her back. He springboards his legs off the top rope and flips back over and uses the momentum to deliver a belly-to-back suplex onto the folded steel chair! MacNamara hits The Bad Moon Rising with flawless technique and bridges his back for a pin!]

 

… One!

 

… Two!

 

… Th — Kick out!

 

PERRY WALLACE

And this pussy still can’t get the fucking job done.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I SEE A BAD MOON RISING. I SEE TROUBLE ON THE WAY. I SEE EARTHQUAKES AND LIGHTNING. I SEE BAD TIMES TODAY. DONT GO ROUND TONIGHT. ITS BOUND TO TAKE YOUR LIFE. THERE’S A BAD MOON ON THE RISE.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Let’s do NWA next with no censored words.

 

[Morgan Payne breaks up the pin after a long two count and Daniel MacNamara doesn’t look all too enthused with the tempo of the referee’s count but he doesn’t pay too much attention to it. Instead, he gets back to his feet and rolls Payne over to her stomach with a stiff kick. Danny picks up the folded chair and gazes at it with wonder for a moment before dropping the end of it to the small of Morgan Payne’s back! Morgan flails on the ground in excruciating agony but that doesn’t stop MacNamara. He regrips the chair and begins continuously smashing Morgan against her back until the chair is so bent up and distorted, it looks like Danny was performing some metallurgical origami.]

 

[MacNamara finally lets off with the chair shots and tosses the nearly disassembled chair to the outside. A lightbulb goes off for MacNamara and he makes his way back outside of the ring. He heads over to the tale he pulled out earlier and decides to slide it inside the ring. Danny takes his sweet time at ringside, jawing at fans in the front row, and even turning his attention to Perry Wallace for a minute before finally sliding back in the ring.]

 

PERRY WALLACE

I wish you would, you dumb bitch.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I can’t wait to find out whether it’s going to be him or Derrick that ends up murdering you.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Raab has a better chance of making that happen than either one of those two fucktards.

 

[MacNamara grabs the table and leans it up against the turnbuckle closest to Morgan Payne. Danny starts to pick Morgan up by the hair, but then grabs her by the neck and yanks her the rest of the way up and secures a deep sleeper hold. Morgan fights for air while Danny laughs hysterically right into her ear. The fight in Morgan is slowly waning as her struggle begins to become quite faint. Danny looks behind him to dial in what looks to be a sleeper suplex into the table, but suddenly he starts howling in pain.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Oh come on we did the biting thing last match. Seriously, move on. If you’re not going to rip out someone’s eyeball then lets move this shit along, alright?

 

[In a last ditch effort, Morgan clamps down and sinks her teeth right into MacNamara’s forearm! Morgan Payne looks like a pitbull that’s snapped as Daniel tries to fight her off of him. Daniel finally let’s off from his sleeper hold, which quickly becomes a costly mistake as Morgan sidesteps and tosses Daniel with a Saito suplex right into the table! Both Danny and Morgan take a nasty fall with MacNamara taking the brunt of it. Fragments of the table litter the corner of the ring as both wrestlers lie motionless on the mat. Payne is first to make some movement as the crowd cheers on. She grabs Danny by the foot and drags him away from the corner, and with every bit of strength she has, rolls on top of him to make a cover.]

 

… One!

 

… Two!

 

… Thre — Kick out!

 

PERRY WALLACE

Almost there Morgan, shouldn’t take much more to put this shit mother fucker down for the count.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

What do you expect out of someone who thinks Sativa isn’t a racist?

 

PERRY WALLACE

To be perfectly honest I expect to wake up one day only to see her suicide trending with memes...AND BEFORE YOU CRY MORGAN I WAS REFERRING TO MARY JANES BORN ON FOUR TWENTY NOT BECAUSE OF WEED BUT BECAUSE OF HITLER.

 

[No! At the last possible moment, Daniel launches a shoulder up off the mat and flings Morgan off of him in the process. Morgan is still disorient, reeling from her own attacks, but tries to get back to her feet. As she struggles, MacNamara soon follows and begins to work back up to a base stance. Both of these fighters are operating on fumes as it seems to take everything they have to finally stand up. As Danny stands upright, you can see shards of wood splintered into his back and a chunk of his forearm missing and blood gushing down to the palm of his hand.]

 

[Morgan mails in a slow, stiff jab that connects, but Danny fires back with one of his own. Blood sprays from MacNamara’s fist as it connects to Morgan’s cheek. The blood momentarily blinds Morgan long enough for Danny to fire off a series of punches and back her into the ropes. Danny then grabs an arm and Irish whips Morgan across the ring. On the return, Danny rushes in and delivers a Superman punch, but Morgan ducks it just in time. She bounces off the opposite ropes to come back and launch a clothesline, but Danny somehow ducks that as well. Morgan rebounds off the ropes for a third time and on the return, she and MacNamara simultaneously hit the FAUGH A BALLAGH! The two execute the signature striking spear and collide literally head on and collapse on the mat!]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

CLEAR THE WAY ME BOYS.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Please God let them both be brain damaged after that!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

After?

 

PERRY WALLACE

Zing!

 

[The crowd is on their feet as both competitors continue static in their movement. The referee doesn’t even bother giving a standing ten count, as those archaic rules are tossed to the roadside here in the Battleground. FInally, Daniel MacNamara is first to action as he gradually begins to push himself up off the mat. As he finally lumbers his way up to his feet, he signals the end for Morgan Payne. He stands overtop of her and deadlifts her up by the waist in a modified wheelbarrow position. MacNamara pops his hips and lifts Morgan up high to finish her off with the Bad Dog’s Bite muscular bomb, but then out of nowhere, Morgan Payne lunges forward and sweeps MacNamara up with a rollup pin!]

 

… One!

 

… Two!

 

… Three!

 

[DING! DING! DING!]

 

PERRY WALLACE

HA!!!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

It’s the classic Dakota Smith finish. WOW…. A ROLL UP.

 

PERRY WALLACE

There weren’t enough finishers leading up to that, no pulling of the tights and no using the bottom rope for leverage. 

 

MIKE DEMPSEY

Here is your winner, Morgan Payne!

 

[Daniel MacNamara violently kicks out, but it’s too late for him. Morgan Payne doesn’t stick around for the ceremonious hand raising as she quickly rolls out of the ring. As she backpedals her way up the ramp, she keeps a sharp eye on MacNamara in the ring, who is fuming and ends up shoving the official out of the ring. Danny and Morgan continue to toss inaudible insults back and forth, but Morgan gets the upperhand in this go-round.]

 

PERRY WALLACE

You’re never going to hear me say this again unless she beats him again or one of the other retards who act just like him but I’m happy she was able to get the win here tonight over the shittiest wrestler to EVER compete in a Union ring.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Look at you. This is growth. I’m proud of you for actually being able to congratulate her on her win. Also, I think Finn Whelan once competed in Union so I’m not sure that Danny is actually the shittiest wrestler to ever compete in a Union ring. But that’s neither here nor there.  Anyway, next up is… OH MY GOD ITS A TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH?! HOLY FUCK ARE THE HELLCATS ACTUALLY HERE?! Oh my god we’ll be right back folks. This is fantastic.

[Scene fades in.]

[Oh look, another paragraph. You love your bracket paragraphs. We don’t blame you, Gungra. It IS quite fashionable. We might steal it.]


GUNNAR GRAVES
Dialogue will go here. Notice the full name in all caps followed by the dialogue like so. Please follow this format to make the show look uniform and make things easier for me. And my name isn’t “Gungra”.

[We’ve never heard Gungra actually speak. We don’t think we’ve ever actually met the man. He’s like Vince McMahon Sr. All anybody knows about him nowadays is that picture where he looks all grumpy. Is that a rumbling baritone?]

GUNNAR GRAVES
Dialogue will go here. Notice the full name in all caps followed by the dialogue like so. Please follow this format to make the show look uniform and make things easier for me. Something something Kaven Drell.

[Do fictional figureheads have voices? You are a picture and words but then again, so’s the rest of us. It is quite possible we are projecting our perceptions onto you much like others do the same to us. They squawk and say “We don’t understand you, Anna”. But that is quite alright. We barely understand us half of the time.]

GUNNAR GRAVES
Dialogue will go here. Notice the full name in all caps followed by the dialogue like so. Please follow this format to make the show look uniform and make things easier for me. You shouldn’t be talking about this.

[Why not? Nobody reads these things anyway. They skip to the matches. Consider this a safe space! A chance to ramble and take up precious air time. Gods knows we’re about to. Have you noticed a pattern with most the opponents you’ve handed us thus far?]

GUNNAR GRAVES
What?

[Simmer down, buddy. That’s not going to get over as a catchphrase. But yes! A pattern! Kaven Drell went mad. Willie Pete seems to have ran away to the gutters where he lives. Cy Riddle would’ve ran if he didn’t get stretcher carried back into obscurity. All we need is somebody to get inspired and we’d have the whole damned trifecta. We’re not even winning matches and we’re more of a service to you than most of the roster playing pretend tonight.]

GUNNAR GRAVES
You are not supposed to ̨̆t̯̄ǟ͔̝l̝̪͘͡k͙̙̾̚ ̼̎ą̜̈́͝b͕̱́͡ǫ̗͈̽͋́ụ͋t̠̬̺͖̗̿̑̓͂͗ ̡̢̪̦͆̅͒̕̚͟t̼͓̹͖̤́͗̍̇͝ḧ̢̟̯̫̜͆̑́̓ī̡̟̥̗͇̐̏̓̊s͈̥̮̙̭̈́̽͋͠͝.̢̟̙̫͚̑͆̊͆̒

[Oh, my. Are you okay, Gungra?]

GUNGRA
M̶̧͎̺͈͙̗̤̱̤̱̯̠̦͈̀̈́̃͛̈́̑̀͠͝Ý̶̢͎̗̜̑͑̍ ̶͕̦̳͈̻̩̒̂̐̍̓̆N̷̡̨̡̢̛̬̙͎̫̹̰̩̹̩̉̈̈́̈́͂̃̈̕̚̕̕͜͝Á̸͓̯̬̘͖̀̅̅̏̏̊͒̂̾̀M̸̪͍̣̲͂̌͂̈̅̽̾̃̚Ë̶̛̙̭͉͕͚̤̱͕̹̱̱́̽̌̽̿͗̆̀̋̉̿ ̶̗͓͈̩͓͈̱͙̪̹̤̀̏̈́̓̉͂̎̐̆͑I̵͍͇̯͚̊̌̔̓͆͆̈́̀͛͒̋̇̕͝S̴̡͈̭͇̖̙̝̰̐̓͒̏̅́̈̎̕̕ ̸̨̳̱̳̰̖̌̑̉̔͛͜N̶̘̯͖͍̩͎͇̈͒̉̈́̂̊̃͘̚̚͜O̴͖̗̺͆̉͝T̶̝͂͌́͑ ̶͇̅͌̂̓̍͒̃͊̀̚̕͝G̸̤̦̤͈͊͌̿̀́͛͊̌̌̌̃̚Ù̵̢̡̯̤͓͈͓͚̪̖̹̳̤N̷̡̬̝̫͉͔̩̳̱̱̊͊͋́̍̈̂̏͐̚͠͠G̴̟͎̮̻̝̯͈͖̣͑́͊͊͘R̷̨̧̦͇̳̺͉̖͙̦̃́̔̆͛̅͛̔́́͊̈́̓͜Ả̶̧̤̘͈̤̣̩̫̘̿̋͗͘͝ͅĄ̶͙̩̺͇̺͔̃̅̇A̷̧̳̞̫̻̝̯̺̞̟̪͉͕̗̿̃A̶̖̹͙͐̈̈A̵̩̳̱̬͙̥̝̺̭̖̺͕̿̎̄̋̀̃ͅẢ̵̧̢̧̧̛̛̼̠̠̳̙̣̺͑͆̓̀̓̒̚Ą̶̭͚͇̠̓̓͆͆̎͌̄͊!̶̨̠̥͈͇̯̤͕̜̌̾͒͐̊͑̉͋̑̐

[Gungra’s steely photographic face is popping, flashing, enflamed before our eyes. Personally, we blame Charlie Brown. That isn’t our scene anymore. His ashes scatter to the four winds in surrender. Such a shame. We were having such a nice conversation. Oh, well. Back to your plays, humans. And remember...]

[We’re watching.]

[A red cylinder of light ignites in an otherwise dark room. It whirs and hums as it moves slowly back and forth, twisting and turning before being brought back to a steady, upright position. A few seconds later another burst of light ignites a few feet further away. This one is green, and much like the red cylinder it too rotates and twists and turns in the darkness. Orchestral music plays softly in the background, building the tension to the scene until in a swift flurry of motion the two cylinders collide, clashing loudly. Over the collision a squeal of laughter is heard, and then a grunt as the red cylinder moves away sharply and then lowers to the ground. Then a groan follows and a moment later the light comes on.]

 

LEELA WATTS

Oh my god, Danny. Are you okay?

 

[Leela lowers her own replica light saber and looks at her tag team partner and.. Friend? With concern. As she draws closer to Danny, who is kneeling with his head lowered, she reaches out to check on him only to have him quickly sweep her off of her feet, tackling her to the couch. She squeals, whether with glee or terror we may never know, but he quickly pins her to the couch cushions and raises his own light saber, that he had never let go of, to her throat with a relatively evil grin on his face.]

 

DANNY RIZZO

Say it.

 

[Leela shakes her head no.]

 

LEELA WATTS

Never!

 

DANNY RIZZO

Say it and I’ll let you up.

 

[She pouts, jutting her bottom lip out in protest.]

 

DANNY RIZZO

All you have to do is call me Sith Da-

 

[There’s a loud knock on the door. Once. Twice. And then a third time. Followed by a voice telling them it was time for their match and asking if they were ready. As Danny glances back over his shoulder to answer, Leela twists her hips and tosses Rizzo off of the couch and down onto the floor, pinning him down triumphantly. She leans forward and plants a kiss on his nose before tossing her own light saber over onto the couch as she stands up and adjusts her gear.]

 

LEELA WATTS

Are we ready, Sith Daddy?

 

[Danny’s eyes light up, surprised that she was willing to say it in such a public manner. But he sits up and tosses his own saber over to the side before climbing back upright as well.]

 

DANNY RIZZO

To bring balance back to the Battalion Championships with you? Definitely.

 

[She smiles and kisses his cheek before they move to the door, Rizzo opening it and allowing her to exit first, as the championship match they had spent countless hours preparing for awaited them.]

MIKE DEMPSEY

The following battle is scheduled for one fall, and is a Triple Threat Match for the Union Battleground Battalion Championships! Introducing first, the challengers, weighing in at a combined weight of 312 pounds, the team of Danny Rizzo and Leela Watts!

 

[Danny Rizzo and Leela Watts are already in the ring. They both stand in the same corner taking in this capacity crowd. Both turn their gaze towards the entrance ramp as the interim champions arrive.] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Where the fuck did they come from?!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Backstage. You were busy with that 8-ball when they came out.

YOU'LL NEVER TAKE US ALIVE

WE SWORE THAT DEATH WILL DO US PART

THEY'LL CALL OUR CRIMES A WORK OF ART

YOU'LL NEVER TAKE US ALIVE

MIKE DEMPSEY

And their opponents, weighing in at a combined weight of 354 pounds, they are the interim Battalion Champions, the team of Maxx Bennett and Jason Van Owen!

 

[“Partners in Crime” by Ash Costello plays throughout. Van Owen slinks through the curtain with Maxx Bennett alongside him. The two strut out across the stage. Maxx saunters toward the edge of the ramp to taunt a fan, who appears to be pro Hellcats. After a brief exchange with the fan, Jason and Maxx continue their way down the entrance ramp.]

 

PERRY WALLACE

Stab my eyes, Eli. I’m begging you!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Listen. This is exciting. THE BATTALION CHAMPIONSHIPS ARE ACTUALLY BEING DEFENDED! It’s been so fucking long I wasn’t even sure they really existed anymore.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Could have seen them at Bad Company but reasons...

 

[Bennett and Van Owen reach the ring steps and Jason goes ahead to hold the ropes for his partner. She glides through and he follows suit. The two then immediately begin to talk trash back and forth with Leela and Danny, who stand in the opposite corner. Maxx shakes her ass for the crowd while Jason points at it to further enrage Rizzo and Watts.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Baby, I know you’re watching at home and I want you to know that my eyes were not looking at Maxx just now. You are the most beautiful woman in the world and the only one I ever look at. Ever. 

 

[The lights dim until the arena falls black. There’s an ominous hammerfall as "Destroy 2000 Years of Culture" by Atari Teenage Riot hits the ground running.]

IT'S A DEAD WORLD AND IT'S ABOUT THAT TIME TO CLEAR THINGS HERE!

ONE GENERATION FOLLOWS ANOTHER

BUT SOMETHING IN MY HEAD SAYS KEEP GOING

DON'T GIVE UP

MIKE DEMPSEY

And now making their way to the ring, weighing in at a combined weight of 258 pounds, they are the reigning, defending, undisputed Union Battleground Battalion Champions, the team of Anastasia Hayden and Lisa Seldon, The Hellcat Spangled Death Squad! 

 

[Lisa and Ana, a pair of Hellcats burst from the curtain amidst a swirling mass of red and purple spotlights. Ana steps forward, throwing up her weird, surfer dude hand gimmick. Lisa hangs back and leaves her to it. Ana chucks her mouthguard in and marches her way to the ring. Lisa saunters after.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Haha LETS FUCKING GO THEY’RE ACTUALLY HERE! THE WOMAN I WAS GOING TO BEAT FOR THE 4CW CHAMPIONSHIP AND LISA ARE ON THEIR WAY TO THE RING.

DESTROY 2000 YEARS OF CULTURE

DESTROY 2000 YEARS OF CULTURE

[Ana hops up onto the apron and throws another hand up to the crowd. She then steps through the ropes and gives up the floor. Lisa jumps to the apron in a single stride, leans back to shoot a wink down the camera barrel and then goes up and over the ropes into the ring. Ana has already taken her perch on the top buckle, arms folded, chewing her mouthguard idly. Lisa steps in front of her and leans back into the corner.]

 

PERRY WALLACE

There’s my dad! And holy shit I can’t believe I’m personally at a tag match where Lisa decided to show up.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

This is the greatest night ever. Look at those beautiful championship belts. They’re real. They’re actually real. I thought they were a myth. You know, like Jesus.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Rev’s not going to appreciate that comment.

 

[Frankenstein and Hayden hand over the belts after holding them up at Maxx and Jason, who do not appear impressed. The ref holds the coveted championships up high before calling for the bell. Leela Watts and Maxx Bennett will start this one.] 

 

[DING!]

 

PERRY WALLACE

I’m just playing Lisa. I didn’t have anything to say about Badger.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Why would you have anything to say about a badger?

 

PERRY WALLACE

Why wouldn’t I? It’s expected at this point.

 

[Maxx and Leela circle on another briefly before locking up arms in the center of the ring! They swing each other from left to right searching for supremacy. Bennett headbutts Watts suddenly which allows her to Irish whip Leela into the ropes! Maxx goes for a clothesline as Watts slingshots back at her and misses! Watts dodges to hit the ropes on the opposite side! She bounces back towards Bennett for a picture perfect headscissors takedown!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Do you think Leela is like those church girls who seem innocent on the outside but really they could suck a golf ball through a garden hose?

 

PERRY WALLACE

She did used to get DP’d...

 

[Watts leaps back to her feet while Bennett struggles. Leela begins lighting her up with a combination of kicks! Ana Hayden taunts Watts from the HellCats corner. Watts halts her offense to turn and jaw back at the decorated champion, who is famous for her own kicks. These few moments cost Watts. Maxx wraps both arms around her from behind causing her eyes to widen with real surprise. Bennett catches her with a german suplex!] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

I’m surprised Maxx actually knows how to suplex something other than eight dicks inside her at once.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Isn’t that more of Leela’s thing?

PERRY WALLACE

Mike Powers told me that Maxx let him shove a softball up there once.

 

[Maxx bounces back to her feet while Leela pushes herself up as well. Bennett takes hold of Leela’s right wrist to slingshot her into the far corner, her team’s corner. Van Owen holds onto Watts after she hits back first against the turnbuckles and falls down to a seated position in the corner! Maxx aligns herself directly across from Leela before taking off full speed ahead! She nails Watts with her signature bronco buster! The crowd pops!] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

That doesn’t seem to bother Leela much considering she’s had her head sandwiched between two dudes at once.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Man, I remember the days when you used to call Leela sweet and innocent. How the mighty have fallen.

PERRY WALLACE

Maybe if I’m mean to her Kaven won’t try to set me on fire again like Richard Pryor.

 

[Bennett gets up and holds her right heel against Leela’s throat, using the turnbuckles as a brace while she tags in Van Owen! Tag Made! Jason glides through the ropes to take over for Maxx. Watts falls forward, where Van Owen cradles her up into a vertical suplex position. He hammers her with liver and kidney shots to soften her up before delivering the maneuver. Jason hooks a leg after impact!] 

 

...One! 

 

…KICK OUT! 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Sorry Jason Van whatever the fuck but it’s going to take more than one person to keep her down on her back.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Jason Van Owen. Jesus Christ, Perry, at least TRY.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Jason Van Badger’s a big ol tittybabby bitch.

 

[Both wrestlers bounce back up, but Van Owen catches Leela with a short arm lariat that sends her in a airbourne barrel roll! Jason rolls to his feet and quickly bends down to cradle up Leela from behind! Watts jabs an elbow into his ribcage which causes him to release his hold before she catches him with a wicked jawbreaker! Leela catches all of it and leaves Van Owen on the mat. Watts gets fired up and heads for the closest corner in a hurry! She leaps up on the middle turnbuckle to bounce on up to the top! Leela leaps off but not before Hayden slaps her for a tag! Watts leaps off looking for a diving headbutt! Miss! Van Owen holds up two knees at the last possible moment! Watts crashes and burns. She busts both lips on a kneecap and can even feel a tooth or two loose possibly. Jason unknowingly hooks a leg quickly! The referee won’t count and this causes Van Owen to lose it. He leaps up to confront the ref, who points behind Jason. Van Owen turns around to catch a spinning heel kick from Ana! The crowd pops as Hayden cradles a leg after he hits the mat!] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

THANK YOU DAD!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

So… Ana Hayden is your dad. Does that mean that Michael Hayden is your mother?

 

PERRY WALLACE

My dad had an operation a while back, chill.

 

...One! 

 

...Two! 

 

BROKEN UP! 

 

[Rizzo stomps out the pin! Danny continues to stomp down on the two wrestlers even after it’s broken up. This prompts Lisa Frankenstein to glide through the ropes. Rizzo turns around and the two come nose to nose in the center of the ring. The crowd comes unglued at this possible match up. The referee sends both to their respective corners before a fight can break out. Seldon notices two fans in the third row with very large flags. They are solid black with simply a blood red Union Battleground star in the center of each one.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Hey, where did those two banners come from? I bet they’re not going to be used to try and convince everyone that Lisa and Ana definitely are all about Union Battleground and defending their championships or even performing here regularly as a tag team, or that the fans actually like them. Right? No way anyone would believe that would happen, right?

 

[Van Owen gets up to one knee, where Hayden hits him with short kick after short kick to the face to finally send him back to the mat! Ana leaps to her feet and walks over to Jason, who remains down. She bends down and he reaches up to roll her up into a pin! Van Owen holds the back of her tights for better leverage!] 

 

...One! 

 

...Two! 

 

BROKEN UP! 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Eli, do you see how nice my dad is in that ring? Letting that retard think he has a shot when everyone watching around the world knows it doesn’t exist. Sh--he’s such a nice fella, even with Lisa pitching in to make it even more believable.

 

[Seldon breaks up the pin right after a count of two! Maxx comes through the ropes right at Lisa, who floors Bennett with a violent right hook! Ana rolls up to one knee while Van Owen turns over to his right side. He pulls what appears to be brass knuckles out of his pockets. One set reads, “Van” while the other one, “Owen”. He carefully slips them on before standing up to face Hayden down. She comes in with kick combinations to work him towards the ropes! Suddenly, he comes in with an uppercut that rocks the champion! Ana’s mouth fills with blood while Jason grins and backs into the ropes to feel a violent slap against his back. Danny Rizzo makes the tag!] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Goddamnit Danny, hit him like a man for sucker punching my father!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

He was tagging himself into the match Wallace. You’re so fucking retarded sometimes.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Maybe we’ll get cancelled? We can at least hope, right?

 

[Danny glides through the ropes, where Jason confronts him. The two have a shoving match. Hayden remains in a daze but is already crawling towards Seldon in the HellCats corner! Danny catches Jason with a backhand chop that causes people in the front row to clutch their own chest in response! Van Owen gets pushed out of the ring while Rizzo spins around just in time to see Lisa Seldon be tagged in. The crowd explodes with cheers at these two facing off!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Huh. Didn’t know that a Rizzo and Seldon match was one that was all that hotly anticipated. I didn’t know people here would recognize Lisa since it’s been so long since they last saw her.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Definitely not because she changed the way she looks.

 

[The two wrestlers meet in the center of the ring already throwing punches with Lisa dashing knee shots in when close enough! Frankenstein gets the upper hand in this fight with a knee shot to Danny’s ribcage! She irish whips the Valor’s final top champion into the ropes but he comes back with a sling blade counter! Seldon hits the mat, where Danny hops on top of her for mounted punches!]

 

[Lisa uses two knees from behind to buck Rizzo off! He hits the mat face first, unable to adjust to catch himself! Seldon leaps to her feet in a single bound! She comes in from behind with knee strikes to the back of Danny’s head before applying a japanese stranglehold! Leela has seen enough and glides through the ropes. The camera pans to Ana, who smiles big with bloody stained teeth. She then leaps up onto the top rope to springboard off directly at Leela! She catches Watts with an aerial arm drag! Maxx Bennett dashes through the ropes to begin stomping down onto Lisa and Danny to break up the hold. Lisa refuses at first to break it, but finally relents!] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Oh shit, I forgot she was even in this match! She must have been jerking off that fat fuck sitting in the front row.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Listen, you should know better than everyone else that it gets really fucking hard to keep track of what everyone is doing in these sort of big ass tag team matches. Sometimes people just get lost in the shuffle.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Tell me about it. I tried that gay nerdy computer pretend wrestling once and wanted to kill myself for attempting to write a clusterfuck of a cage match.

 

[Watts rolls out of the ring while Ana follows to circle the ring to get back to the HellCats corner. The two begin trash talking on the outside before swinging on each other again! Leela leaps up suddenly to nail Ana with a solid overhead kick that hits the mark! Hayden hits a knee while Watts walks off to get back to her corner. Ana grins slightly knowing this isn’t over.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Wow and there’s heat between Ana and Leela too?

 

[Seldon gets up and ducks a punch from Van Owen! Jason took a swing from his corner and still wears the brass knuckles because there are no rules in the Battleground. Lisa lunges forward to catch Jason with a wild elbow to the jaw! The impact causes him to fall off the apron and hit the back of his head on the unforgiving concrete floor below! Frankenstein swings around, only to be cradled up for a facebuster by Danny Rizzo! The UnYielding quickly cradles up a leg!] 

 

...One! 

 

...Two! 

 

...BROKEN UP! 

PERRY WALLACE

Papa to the rescue!

 

[Close! Hayden stomps out the pin while never taking her eyes off Leela. She gives Danny an extra stomp or two to stick in the mind of Watts. Seldon rolls to her feet while Danny staggers back to his. Lisa comes in close to catch Rizzo with Muay-Thai Clinch Strikes! The UnYielding begins catching knees to the face in close quarters and no escape! Seldon works him towards the ropes where Maxx Bennett reaches out to slap the back of Danny!] 

 

[Van Owen loses one of his brass knuckles on the floor but still has one. He watches on as Maxx glides through the ropes to face down one of the most famous living wrestlers. Jason bends down beneath the ring skirt to look for something. He comes back up holding piano wire.] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Now that you’ve found it, feel free to hang yourself from the side of the ring you dumb jerk.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Sure, lets not question why there’s piano wire under the ring. 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Would have been way more believable if he pulled a line of anal beads from Maxx’s revolving door of an asshole.

 

[Lisa grins wide at the sight of Bennett. She simply flicks her hair at Lisa in response while turning her back to her but as she does this, Ana spits a wad of saliva blood directly in her face from the apron! Bennett is completely shocked by this and wipes her face in utter disgust!] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Oh come on now, Maxx. Don’t act like that’s the line when you’ve had at least seventeen bodily fluids shot over your face.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

It’s definitely not the first time she’s been spat on. Or shat on. Or pissed on. You’re also rather accustomed to wrestlers depositing bodily fluids on their opponents in a ring, aren’t you Perry?

 

PERRY WALLACE

We’ve seen a lot of crazy shit inside of a 4CW ring but nothing tops someone getting their ass eaten with a spork and also pissing on them in the same match.

 

[While Maxx is horrified by what just happened, Seldon slips up behind her to roll Maxx up into a pin!] 

 

...One! 

 

...Two! 

 

...BROKEN UP! 

 

[Van Owen stomps the pin out! Seldon raises up only to find piano wire wrapped around her throat from behind! Jason digs the small sharp wire into the throat of the deathmatch god. Hayden slips through the ropes to come to Lisa’s aid only to be rocked by none other than Leela Watts! Her and Maxx begin stomping down on Ana after she hits the mat! The referee has lost control completely.] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

DO SOMETHING REF! Help my pops for fucks sake.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

This shit with the piano wire was a lot more effective at the beginning of the movie Ghost Ship.

 

PERRY WALLACE

I know exactly what you’re talking about and I wish the same fate for like ninety five percent of geometry oriented wrestling.

 

[Little trickles of blood stream down the front of Seldon’s throat. Jason intends to see if he can cut her head off with this thin piece of wire. Suddenly, from behind Van Owen and Seldon, Danny Rizzo comes in with a bulldog to Jason that halts this beheading completely! Danny leaps up before getting on top of Van Owen for mounted elbow shots! Seldon falls back into a seated position and touches her throat to find it bleeding from where the wire dug in.] 

 

[Leela and Maxx continue stomp on Hayden, who attempts in vain to cover up! Frankenstein realizes this and stumbles back to her feet while Danny and Van Owen fight on the mat. Jason has rolled the UnYielding over and now drops mounted punches down on him before Rizzo rolls him back over! The two end up rolling off the edge of the apron and onto the outside floor, where the fight continues!]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I think we can assume that neither Jason nor Danny will be making the final pinfall this evening. Way to get distracted you stupid fucks. This is why the Hellcats are going to retain. Not that I know anything about tag team wrestling.

 

PERRY WALLACE

If you can’t win tagging with my son then tag team wrestling ain’t for you, chief.

 

[Leela suddenly realizes what she’s doing by helping Maxx stomp Ana when it's far too late. Hayden attempted under her skin and it worked. Ana is legendary at this tactic and many others. She stops just as Lisa grapples her from behind for a sleeper hold neckbreaker! Bennett stops stomping after this and Ana takes hold of Maxx’s right ankle and twists it with all until there’s a pop! Leela, in a daze, trips through the ropes. She ends up hitting the back of her own head on the concrete with violent impact! Maxx screams out in pain while Ana laughs on the mat with a bloody smile still. Van Owen catches Danny with a solid left hook with his remaining brass knuckle to change his fortune in this fight! Rizzo falls over the security barrier but manages to hold on to Jason’s shirt to pull him on over it as well!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Yep, lets just go fight out in the crowd like a bunch of fucking retards and leave your partners in the ring against the tag team champions of literally everything everywhere. Sound strategy.

 

[Hayden rolls out onto the apron to use the ropes to get back to her feet while Maxx remains on the mat. She clutches at her ankle that Ana possibly just broke or fractured. Hayden gets yanked off the apron suddenly and hits the concrete floor, spine first! Leela dives on top of her with blood running down her back from busting her head open earlier when she hit the outside floor awkward!] 

 

[The referee looks around and sees everyone fighting. Rizzo now has a busted jaw but manages to steal a fan’s chair to deliver a pump handle slam on Van Owen across said open chair! It shatters beneath the dead weight of Jason allowing Danny to catch his bearings. Meanwhile, back inside the ring, Bennett is in trouble.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

So Rizzo has a broken jaw. Maxx has a broken ankle. Leela busted her head. Boy it’s a good thing the Hellcats haven’t broken a sweat in this match. You’d almost think the other two teams didn’t show up to do their promotional work for the show. But I swear to god I remember seeing something from both of them. 

 

PERRY WALLACE

I don’t even know how to respond to that statement so I’ll just go with the classic git gud and stop being a bitch… Badger.

 

[Maxx still clutches at the ankle, but slowly turns around to face the other side of the ring. She turns as the camera pans around to show her point of view. Lisa Frankenstein stands before her with a bloody throat in a horrifying image for any wrestler today. Bennett wrinkles her forehead with rage as she gets on her hands and knees as if to crawl toward the danger rather than run. Lisa makes her pay with her Man Opener! The roundhouse kick nearly takes Maxx;s head off! The violent impact is shown in slow motion before returning to regular speed as Frankenstein hooks a leg!] 

 

....One! 

 

…Two! 

 

...Three! 

 

[DING! DING! DING!]

 

MIKE DEMPSEY

Here are your winners, AND STILL the undisputed Union Battleground Battalion Champions, The Hellcat Spangled Death Squad!

 

[The crowd erupts with cheers while Danny shakes his head with real disappointment out in the crowd. He then continues to stomp down on Jason to deflect blame a bit. Ana rolls back into the ring after catching Leela with a solid super kick. Frankenstein rolls out of the ring and points at the two fans holding up the two large black Union Battleground flags. Hayden follows after her and the two women take the flags from the two. Solid black with just a blood red Union star in the center. The two HellCats then get back into the ring still bloody and bruised. The referee hands them their championships as they get back in. Ana and Lisa put the straps around their waists before rushing to opposite corners still clutching the large flags.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Oh my god NO WAY THEY ACTUALLY USED THOSE FLAGS! Man, I bet no one saw that coming at all halfway through the match when Lisa just HAPPENED to spot them when they hadn’t been there for the previous two matches. I am stunned, Perry. Absolutely shocked.

 

[The two women then begin waving the flags while standing high on the turnbuckles. The crowd becomes deafening. The statement has been made and the best tag team in professional wrestling spells it out clear in this final scene in an image that will live on forever.] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Happy fathers day, dad! You deserve it!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Congratulations to the Hellcats for being the overlords of everything. I still would have beaten Ana for the 4CW title. And we certainly want to wish the teams of Bennett and Van Owen, and Rizzo and Watts, the best as they recover from the one thousand injuries they suffered for some apparent reason in this match. ONTO THE NEXT ONE!

 

PERRY WALLACE

It’s a damn shame that everyone who got injured tonight is going to act perfectly fine like nothing even happened while performing on my best friend Natalie’s event for her daughter Paris. Going to no sell harder than Vivi no sold those awards she won at Phe’s End of the Year event while selling the same award Sam Tolson won the year prior.

[It’s day time so this presumably occurred long before this evening’s show started. A busted up AMC Gremlin in banana yellow rolls down the service entrance ramp of the Credit Union 1 Arena. The back bumper is covered in old band stickers, most notably the Misfits skull. The tail pipe spits black smoke as it comes to a stop just feet before a rolling metal door. The driver side door swings open with a metallic creak and a creepy little man steps out. Adorned in weathered tennis shoes, beige cargo shorts, and a faded Scorpions t-shirt. He looks like he smells of piss and cigarettes.]

SHORTCUT
Yo. Where is the valet? That one of you two specimens?

[He approaches one of the two burly security guards standing sentry. The one security guard tosses an unimpressed glance at his partner. With a sigh the first guard turns and looks back down at the human mistake standing before him. The guard pushes his aviator sunglasses to the edge of his nose and stares into Shortcut’s soul.]

SECURITY GUARD #1
Who are you?

SHORTCUT
Is that a fuckin’ joke? You having a fuckin’ go at me pal?

[Shortcut steps forward and tries to bump chests with guard but is instantly shoved backward. The passenger side door opens with a less alarming creak and out steps a man in black combat boots, faded black jeans, and a stark white t-shirt. He is wearing gas station sunglasses. The passenger slams the car door in an foolish attempt at intimidation but it does not latch.]

BAZ JACOBI
Fuck.

[Baz’s hair is long and seemingly greasy, his beard is also quite lengthy. His general appearance is miles below “unkempt”. Upon closer inspection you can see that the reason that his shirt is so clean in juxtaposition to everything else he is wearing is because it is brand new, still sporting fold creases. His attempt at “looking sharp”.]

BAZ JACOBI
Shortcut! What the fuck is the problem? Where the hell do we park ol’ Gizmo here?

SHORTCUT
Don’t worry joe I’m handling it! These two clown shoes are tryna give me shit but they obviously don’t know who the fuck we are!

[Jacobi walks around the car sliding his hand on the dented hood and gets in the second security guard’s face. Jacobi is more their size but the second guard doesn’t flinch. It would take a lot more than a man who looks like he woke up in a ditch to shake these guys.]

BAZ JACOBI
That true hefty? You giving my man guff right now?

 

[The second guard pipes up in a course, authoritative tone.]


SECURITY GUARD #2
If we do not know who you are we can not let you in the building.

 

[Shortcut throws his hands up in anger and quite nearly slams his hands on the hood of Gizmo but stops short, having caught Baz’s eye. Baz’s cocked eyebrow screamed “not the car”. Shortcut’s temper fizzles but only momentarily. He soon turned back to the security guards and threw his hands in the air out of frustration again.]

SHORTCUT
The disrespect! This is inconceivable! The fact that you don’t know who the TALENT is shows a real lack of professionalism!

SECURITY GUARD #1
You know that you can just tell us who you are and I can see if you’re on the list, right?

 

[Baz slaps his noggin in mocking fashion. He is on the roster, even though he is not booked on this particular show he has every right to be here. Baz gestures for Shortcut to go ahead with a nod toward the guards.]

SHORTCUT
Yeah! Of course I knew that. My name is Shortcut.

[You would think that Baz would be angry with this move but he seems pleased as punch. No sooner does Shortcut’s own name leave his lips does the guard respond -- without consulting any kind of list.]

SECURITY GUARD #1
You aren’t on the list.

 

[Shortcut huffs, stomps, and throws his hands in the air yet again! This is clearly a little creep who does not enjoy being told no. His sense of entitlement is palpable.]

SHORTCUT
The audacity of this fuckin’ clown shoe!

BAZ JACOBI
Fuck. Now what the hell do we do?

 

[Baz is dejected, not being allowed into the building for his first show with the company. The question he asked is aimed at Shortcut but it is the second security guard who offers the answer.]

SECURITY GUARD #2
You can take your...uh...vehicle and leave.

BAZ JACOBI
What was that friend? Was that a snicker? Are you snickering in the direction of Gizmo? THAT my friend is a 1978 AMC Gremlin!

[Baz gestures to the death trap behind him, the passenger door still creaking while swinging errantly. The sun makes it look vaguely presentable but when a cloud covers it you see it for the piece of shit that it is.]

BAZ JACOBI
That is a goddamn American classic you pile of puke!

SECURITY GUARD #2
How is that dumpster on wheels even running?

BAZ JACOBI
(whispers kinda) I don’t know actually… (louder now) BUT it runs great and it is beautiful. You’re both being super dicks and I want your goddamn badge numbers.

SECURITY GUARD #1
We don’t have badges. We aren’t cops.

BAZ JACOBI
Okay well that’s good. We don’t like cops. BUT we also don’t like you!

 

[Baz goes to poke the guard in the chest but stops about an inch short. He’s not that stupid. At least today he isn’t. He’s relatively sober.]

SECURITY GUARD #2
Sirs, we must insist that you leave.

SHORTCUT
Oh we’re gonna leave. We’re gonna leave FOR GOOD!

[Shortcut moves toward the driver side door. He is irate but he is well aware that a physical confrontation with these men would likely be the worst route to go.]

SECURITY GUARD #2
Excellent.

BAZ JACOBI
No! Not for good! We’ll be back. We’ll be back real soon and we’re gonna get into this building whether you two bustas like it or not! Come on Shortcut.

 

[Baz and Shortcut get back into Gizmo. Baz falls down into the seat and stares at the decade old air freshener hanging from the rearview mirror. It looks like it was red at some point but now more of a salmon pink. Shortcut tries to start Gizmo up but the engine won’t turn over.]

BAZ JACOBI
The fuck is wrong?

[Shortcut tries again. No luck.]

SHORTCUT
It’s dead.

BAZ JACOBI
Fuck eh? Probably for the best because I was gonna ask you to just drive through this metal door. What a way to debut right?

SHORTCUT
That would probably kill us.

BAZ JACOBI
Yeah but if it didn’t it would be a great way to debut. Get the people talking you know?

SHORTCUT
Honestly? Yeah it would be great.

 

[The two sit in Gizmo staring forward at the two security guards who are just staring right back at them. It’s an awkward situation and you can see that both guards are doing their best to stifle laughter. You have to admire their dedication to professionalism, despite what Shortcut may think about them. Suddenly Baz gasps.]

BAZ JACOBI
Oh shit. I have an idea.

SHORTCUT
I’m listening.

BAZ JACOBI
What if I give them MY name?

[End.]

[Ring grips flood the left side of the entrance ramp. They are all involved in moving a tall large object towards the side of the ramp. The security barrier on this side is pushed way further back than usual to make way for whatever it is. The grips push the large structure and finally get it into place before locking the wheels beneath. Cables are attached on all four sides of a huge black tarp that conceals this large secret.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

We’re back again folks and I’m sure this one is going to be a lot more tightly contested than the Battalion Championship match was since everyone in this match showed up and did their promotional work. Haha. Oh wait. 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Oh no...

 

[The cables are attached to pulleys high above and are slowly pulled to reveal a store front butcher shop! The crowd pops at the very sight of it. It has no roof but everything else. Meat hooks still swing inside with angus beef attached inside from the ring grips moving it. Meat cleavers are on every wall along with any other kind of knife anyone could dream of. Meat slicers and anything you would find in a small town butcher shop. It has a window front with a bloody Union Battleground star. The large window allows everyone to see inside.] 

 

MIKE DEMPSEY

The following battle is a Butcher Shop Massacre Match! If one of them survives, they win! Introducing first, standing 6’3” and weighing in at 243 pounds, from Washington D.C., he is “The Butcher” Dick Devereaux!

YOU FUCKING BLEED NOW

["Everyone Bleeds Now" By Hatebreed suddenly hits and the lights begin to flash violently to the beat. The ramp puts out smoke as red lasers begin to strobe around the arena. Dick Devereaux comes out from the back through the smoke with an irritated look spread across his face and a water bottle in hand. He looks around before he begins to nod his head to the beat and begins to pour the water bottle over his head. He tosses the water bottle into the audience as he continues to nod his head to the beat. He begins to bend over as he holds his bald head. He then violently starts to bang his head as he begins to punch himself over and over again. Dick then flips his wet head up and raises his fists before lowering them and beginning down the ramp. Dick looks at the ring, but instead heads for the makeshift butcher shop. He walks over to the door and kicks it open! Glass flies as the door slams into the counter inside! Devereaux will get to pick his weapons before Smith.] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

It doesn’t matter what happens here tonight, we all know that this fucking guy is nothing more than a knockoff and doesn’t deserve to call himself The Butcher, even if he’s dressing up as Dakota for Halloween.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Squiggles or whatever the fuck his clown friends name is must have throat fucked Dick’s voicebox out of commission. Fucking pathetic, really. Weeks and months dedicated to putting this dumb piece of shit over and he couldn’t even hold up his end of the bargain.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Let’s not act like he hasn’t been known to do this time and time again.

 

[The finger splitting, ear shattering licks of “Your Disposal” by Cattle Decapitation bursts throughout the arena in a violent rage as the entire arena goes black. White strobe lights flicker at the entrance ramp, as a thick black smoke obscures the stage. After a few moments, Dakota appears in the middle of the smoke - as if he just materialized there. His eyes are dead set on the ring, as the strobe light flickers, giving a slow-mo effect as he cracks his neck to the left and then to the right. As vicious snarl forms on his cracked lips, piercing through his beard he starts to march his way down the ramp.]

YOU ALONE ARE YOUR DISPOSAL.

A LIFETIME OF STAINS, WASTING AWAY SLOWLY DOWN THE DRAIN.

NO MERCY, NO REPRISAL.

NO SECOND CHANCE!

[As the growl from that last line penetrates throughout the arena, Dakota begins to march down to the ramp. The former Union Battleground Champion admires the structure created by the newly formed MURDER Studios from a napkin drawing Smith dropped awhile back.] 

 

MIKE DEMPSEY

And his opponent, standing 6’2” and weighing in at 240 pounds, from The Depths of Hell, he is “The Butcher” Dakota Smith!

 

[Dakota peers through the window, but does not see Dick. The referee calls for the bell and realizes this one will not be contested what so ever in the ring. Smith creeps toward the now broken door to the small butcher shop.] 

 

[DING!]

 

PERRY WALLACE

Let’s go Kooter, kill this pussy once and for all!

ELIJAH CARLSON

Yeah, please. 

 

[Smith walks through the door with little regard for his own safety and it costs him! Dick swings a meat hook at him that’s attached to a short chain! Dakota catches it across his shoulder blades and hits one knee! The hook doesn’t pierce skin but conjures up thoughts for many of the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Devereaux attempts to swing the hook again but Dakota ducks it at the last possible moment! Dick swings around to catch a boot to his right knee cap from Smith! Devereaux hits a knee before getting thrown head first into a small glass cabinet that displays meat! Dick crashes through the glass collecting cuts before ending up in a pile inside.] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Eli, since Dakota’s a little preoccupied in the ring I’m going to have to ask you to take a shot.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I don’t drink anymore.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Do it anyway and scream Kimitsu ZOOOOMMMMBBIIEEEE into the microphone.

 

[Dakota twitches before smacking himself in the face to control these spasms. He then makes his way toward a large meat slicer behind the glass display he just destroyed with Big Dick. Devereaux finally comes to, inside the display completely upside down. The sound of a meat slicer being turned on echoes through the small makeshift butcher shop. The camera pans over to Dakota who has a sadistic grin across his face. Smith looks up at the wall to see at least a hundred different knives. He reaches up to grab one when Devereaux hammers him from behind! Dakota slams into the wall and many of the knives fall to the floor! Smith comes up reaching over his shoulder at his back. A camera zooms closer to reveal Dick found a deboned t-bone and now it's stuck in the right shoulder blade of Dakota Smith!] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

What the fuck!?

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

That’s more offense than Watts, Rizzo, Van Owen or Maxx Bennett managed to muster against the Hellcats last match.

 

PERRY WALLACE

My dad’s great, isn’t he?

 

[Devereaux finds himself behind Dakota, who is now down on one knee. Smith can’t reach the t-bone that’s stuck deep in his shoulder. Dick comes forward with a knee to the back of Dakota’s head to drive him face first into the corner of the steel table that holds the large slicer!] 

 

[Devereaux notices the meat table saw on the opposite side. The blade gleams in the lights and is sharp enough to go clean through bones of any kind. Dick believes this could be more effective than the slicer and reaches down to take hold of Smith. He slowly drags him toward the other side of the small makeshift shop. Smith is in somewhat of a daze after catching the corner of the steel table top. Big Dick gets to the Heavy Duty Floor Model Meat & Bone Saw.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

It’s always nice to see the guys that really put in a lot of effort get the shine they deserve. Like Dick Devereaux. I mean he’s completely dependable. Never known to let anyone down and disappear into thin air. Haha. Oh wait again.

 

PERRY WALLACE

GOTEM BITCH!

 

[Dick turns the saw on and the sound can be heard throughout. The mics inside are top notch so the crowd gets the full effect. Devereaux quickly lifts up Dakota with glass still stuck in both arms from going through the meat display case. Dick takes hold of the back of Smith’s head and begins pushing it toward the moving saw! Dakota’s eyes finally focus to see the moving saw mere inches away from his face! He puts both hands up against the edge of the large table saw for defense, but Dick won’t relent!] 

PERRY WALLACE

Throw him off to the side Dakota!

 

[The two large men shake the entire small structure in this battle. Dakota somehow slips out of Dick’s grasp and spins around to end up behind Devereaux! He shoves Dick into the saw and he hits his left forearm right into the blade! Blood flies and hits the pristine white wall directly behind the saw! Devereaux falls back onto the floor clutching at the deep cut immediately! The sudden shifts cause the entire structure to rock and all the dangling meat hooks swing back and forth once more. Smith bends down and picks up a meat cleaver. The camera circles him as he looks down at it in his hand. Dakota then straddles Dick and puts the sharp end up to his throat. Devereaux leans in a bit to cut himself slightly before spitting up into the face of Dakota Smith! This enrages the former company champion leading him to bring the cleaver down with all he’s got at the former two time company champion in Devereaux, who rolls out of the way!] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Close, but not close enough unfortunately.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

When the written transcript of this match comes out it’s going to be 2,000 words longer than it ever should have been.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Maybe we can listen to a robot read it on YouTube.

 

[Dick gets to his feet, but still holds his arm that continues to bleed. The blood drips onto the floor to leave a fresh trail for Smith to track him anywhere he goes. The referee stands outside the small makeshift butcher shop unwilling to go in. There’s enough room sure, but nowhere near enough room to stay safe. Devereaux decides to exit to find something else to fight Smith with when he’s hit in the back suddenly! Dick falls forward onto his hand and knees. He could hear the familiar sound of metal smacking against the floor after being hit. He peers back to see the meat cleaver lying on the ground. Dakota threw it fully hoping it would stick in his back but fortunately for Big Dick that did not happen. He decides to pick it up himself and bends down to grab hold of the large knife. Devereaux looks up to find Smith already on him! Before Dick can react, Dakota takes hold of the back of his pants from behind then rushes toward the large window! Smith tosses Dick through the large pane glass!]

 

PERRY WALLACE

DAMN! That looked like Raab being thrown through a glass pane by the hands of Dakota.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

RAABINATOR!

PERRY WALLACE

I still can’t believe you bullied him for speaking out about that woman who raped him.

 

[Devereaux crashes through the thick glass to completely destroy the bloody star. He ends up out on the entrance ramp rolling around in the broken glass. Dick is now bleeding badly and hit his head on the edge of the entrance ramp. The medical staff comes down with equipment to check on him. Dakota is still inside the shop attempting to pull the t-bone out of his shoulder in vain. The crowd comes unglued when the three paramedics surround Devereaux. They boo because they do not want this one to end this way. A Doctor rushes down the ramp when one of the paramedics claims Dick has stopped breathing!] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Thank you God.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I really do feel bad for Dakota, you know. He carried this shit. Did his best. Sold the ever living fuck out of a guy who didn’t deserve it. Does he get to wave a big Union Battleground flag around after the match is over with too? I mean it should have been over seven paragraphs ago, but what do I know.

 

PERRY WALLACE

The baby that Dakota hit with the chair that one time put up more of a fight than Dick.

 

[Smith suddenly appears in the doorway! He comes out with two handfuls of meathooks attached to small chains! He swings them at the doctor, paramedics, or anyone else unlucky enough to be nearby! The referee catches the edge of one of the hooks to the side of the skull! The rest are caught in the crossfire as well. Bodies are now laid out all over the entrance ramp.  The doctor had a large bag underneath his arm and Smith picks it up quickly. He unzips it and peers inside. Dick is not breathing or moving. Dakota pulls out a defibrillator! Smith twists the knobs and a humming noise can be heard as the device charges up!] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

NNOOOO… Don’t do it! Let the impostor die!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Don’t worry it’s not like he’s going to acknowledge anything that happened here tonight.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Can’t argue with you there.

 

[Dakota stumbles over to Devereaux quickly and rips away what’s left of his t-shirt. Smith holds the two paddles out and screams something inaudible that was most likely, “CLEAR!”. He presses the paddles against the bare chest of Dick and his body reacts with violent shakes and convulsions! Devereaux opens his eyes as his chest heaves up and down once more. A mic nearby catches what Smith says next.] 

 

“YOU DIE WHEN I SAY!”

 

PERRY WALLACE

For once let God have this one!

 

[Devereaux snatches the paddles away from Smith suddenly! Dakota doesn’t have time to react before Dick presses a paddle on either side of Dakota’s face! The charge was full and it blasted Smith off of Deveraux and out onto the entrance ramp, flat on his back!] 

 

[The crowd has already been traumatized by Miles Lucky and now these two men killing each other over a nickname has them riled even further. Smith has two large red marks on his face from the paddles that will have to be treated later because he took out the entire medical staff.] 

 

[Dick raises up and begins coughing. He is lucky to be alive and still doesn’t completely understand why he stopped breathing. A rare expression of pure shock crosses the dangerous man’s face. Smith begins to stir on the ramp. He rolls over onto his belly in order to push himself back up to his feet. Devereaux somehow stumbles up with broken glass stuck in his arms, back, and chest. When Dakota landed on the ramp before, it pushed the t-bone steak stuck in his shoulder even deeper in. Both men are hurt and bleeding but refuse to quit.] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

I’m never going to be able to eat a t-bone again without that image in my head now.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I doubt a T-Bone was part of your diet of cocks regimen anyway.

 

PERRY WALLACE

I’m more of a ribeye kind of guy if I’m being honest.

 

[The two men both stumble up somehow and Smith takes off at Dick to drive him through the front wall of the makeshift butcher’s shop! The window on the other side of the door also helped the integrity of the small structure and now the entire front wall is gone. It begins to creak and lean.] 

 

[Smith and Devereaux both end up on the floor inside. Shards of glass and pieces of wood are all over now. Dick appears out but Dakota somehow pushes himself back to a vertical base. The crowd goes fucking crazy. Smith yanks down three meathooks attached to the small chains. These hooks are smaller but still deadly. When Dakota hit the floor before it drove the t-bone even deeper into his shoulder that now you can barely see it poking out. He pays it little attention and rather stumbles over to his opponent. Devereaux gets yanked up to a seated position by Smith. Dakota then takes one of the meat hooks and digs it into the shoulder blade of Dick! He writhes in pain momentarily before a second is hooked through right alongside the first! Devereaux winces at the pain before the third hook slices through his back meat. Smith then twists the three chains together in a sadistic braid before tossing it up to a small steel beam at the ceiling!]

 

PERRY WALLACE

Bleed this motherfucker dry!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I’m going to take a nap.

 

PERRY WALLACE

The fuck you ain’t! I need you to watch my back in case Drell comes back out here. Wait a second, I mean I need you to be awake so I don’t have to put my life on the line to keep you safe. I already saved you once!

 

[The chains fly over the beam with ease because there’s no roof. Smith catches them when they hit the floor. These are longer chains which allows him to pull Devereaux up into the air by the meat hooks stuck into his back! The crowd lets out a collective groan each time Dakota yanks at the chains. Smith pulls him high up off the ground before tying the chains off on a piece of jagged steel on the closest wall. Devereaux kicks his feet about but, it just adds to the pain.] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

This should have been done a long time ago to Dick when he first started pretending to be Dakota. 

 

[Dakota walks over to the opposite wall as the small structure shifts and shakes. He approaches a fire axe encased in glass. Smith swiftly headbutts the glass with all he’s got! Shards of glass flies again and a few stick in his face but he doesn’t care one bit. Dakota then pulls the fire axe out of the bright red box and then begins chopping at the remaining walls! The crowd can’t believe what they are seeing!] 

 

[The referee stands on the ramp watching this when the small structure completely implodes in on itself! The fans gasp as debris flies in every direction! The dust takes a few moments to clear but when it does… Dakota Smith now stands in the rubble holding the axe over his shoulder. The referee calls for the bell!] 

 

[DING! DING! DING!]

 

MIKE DEMPSEY

Here is your winner and the ONE TRUE BUTCHER, DAKOTA SMITH!

 

[Smith collapses soon after this is announced. No one comes to help either men because Smith took them out earlier. The event staff backstage desperately make calls to get more medical people in the building while other wrestlers come down to dig Dick out of the collapsed butcher’s shop.]

 

PERRY WALLACE

Leave mystic little dick dead where he is and help Dakota. There’s no saving Dickie’s dead corpse and the world would be a much better place with him gone forever.

[Indi Rhyder has once again found herself a little spot backstage to relax and prepare for her upcoming match. One or two members of the family are sitting around her and each of them seem more focused than anything, listening out for any potential issues.]

 

INDI RHYDER

I really thought there was more than that to it, you know? But I guess not guys. I guess not. I wanted there to be more, sometimes a hole is just a hole and no matter how much deeper you try and dig; the hole remains nothing more than a hole.

 

[She doesn’t seem to really be talking to anyone in particular, more just chatting into the wind as it were. One of the men close to her nods, as though he’s been taking it all in. But it really is impossible to tell if that's who she meant her words for.]

 

INDI RHYDER

This is a big night, probably even the biggest night really. So I have to be prepared, always be prepared.. And always let your conscience be your guide. Ha. I wonder if he got the thread to pull, it doesn’t seem as though he did. I can’t imagine such a level of hatred.

 

[She sighs and shakes her head.]

 

INDI RHYDER

But here we are and here we go.

MIKE DEMPSEY

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for the Main Event of the evening! The following battle is a Ladder Match, and it is for the Union Battleground Championship! Introducing first, standing 5’5” and weighing in at 130 pounds, from Los Angeles, California, she is ”The Butterfly” Indi Rhyder!

KARMA, KARMA, KARMA, KARMA, KARMA CHAMELEON

YOU COME AND GO, YOU COME AND GO

♫​

['Karma Chameleon' by the Culture Club hits over the PA System, and Indi Rhyder skips out onto the stage to a pretty big ovation. She leaps back and forth along the stage, a huge bubbly smile placed upon her lips. She turns to give the camera a wink as she passes on by down the ramp, slapping hands as she goes.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

COACHELLA QUEEN! 

 

PERRY WALLACE

What?

 

[The Interstellar Star Child slithers beneath the bottom rope to end up in the ring. Rhyder climbs up on the turnbuckle in the opposite corner in order to further rile this already pumped crowd! She leaps down to wait in said corner.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

She’s just my absolute favorite, Perry. I don’t really understand anything she’s talking about when she speaks but you’ve got to respect someone who wanders around with all that jizz glitter on her and still finds a way to be completely content with life.

 

PERRY WALLACE

What the fuck is jizz glitter?

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

It’s that body glitter shit that girls like Indi bathe in.

GINGER, THIS IS SARAH.

PICK UP IF YOU'RE THERE.

I'M AT THIS PLACE ON PICO BOULEVARD CALLED TECH NOIR...

[The introduction of the song is sudden, we hear an ominous tone that follows the Terminator line. The keys are dragged out, lingering in the air as the song gets to a slow start. Seconds pass, as a backing track is finally introduced along with the lengthy notes. Eventually, after a minute, the song really kicks into gear. Neon strobe lights flash along with the beat, a shadowy figure keeps in the darkness. Slowly, we see Bryan Williams methodically walk out from the back. He's dressed for a fight, his jacket covering his torso and his baseball bat in hand. It rests comfortably on his shoulder as it keeps its dangerous message. The chicken mask on his head stays contrasted with the neon lights and the darkness. Bryan keeps his head low, as the song continues to play along. The techno beat ramps up more and more, as the lights around him shimmer and dance.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Say what you want about Bryan Williams and his concussions, lord knows we all have, but I’m actually happy for him. He’s finally managed to find himself at the top of a company, leading the way, and he’s gone through some talented people to get there.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Be honest with me, Eli. Could he beat you?

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I’m just a humble commentator that’s a 4CW Hall of Famer, former 4CW Champion, unbeaten North American Champion that holds every record of significance in said company. So who am I to make a prediction like that?

 

MIKE DEMPSEY

And her opponent, standing 6’2” and weighing in at 219 pounds, from New York, New York, he is the reigning, defending, undisputed Union Battleground Champion, Bryan Williams!

 

[The song continues to play, as Bryan stands on the top of the ramp. With his head down, Bryan removes the Union Battleground Championship from around his waist as he holds it up high for the crowd to see. His head snaps up, Bryan puts the Union Battleground Championship on his other shoulder, as he begins to walk down towards the ring.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Tonight provides a unique test for Bryan, though. In the past he’s waged war against men of chaos and to a certain extent, evil. That isn’t Indi. She’s pure of heart and someone who the fans completely adore. He doesn’t need to save this company from her. She’s one of the good gals. How will he handle that?

 

PERRY WALLACE

What did he have to save the company from before? It’s not like he was fighting for your freedom after Bush did 911.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

That’s his schtick right now, Wallace. That he saved Union from people like Dakota.

 

[Williams props his bat up against the ring steps, then climbs the steps to glide through the ropes. This crowd stands behind this guy firmly. Standing on the second rope, Bryan again holds the Union Battleground Championship up high for the audience to see.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

It’s nights like these that make or break a champion. If Williams can overcome this challenge then you have to think he’s going to be holding that championship for a long, long time. 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Debatable. He couldn’t even beat me at beer pong!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Wallace. Shut the fuck up.

 

[The crowd slowly begins to die down as Bryan hands off the company’s top prize off to the referee then backs into his corner. The ref hoists the glimmering title high over his head before hooking the strap to the lowered cable. As the title begins to ascend toward the rafters, the crowd picks back up with dueling chants for both Bryan and Indi. Both of these wrestlers look ready as ever and the referee doesn’t waste any time and signals for the bell.]

 

[DING!]

 

[The bell rings, and the main event is underway. Bryan stands there in the ring, motionless, as Indi eyes him up and down. He’s still holding the bat in his hands, Indi knows she’s going to need a weapon if she’s going to attack him right now. Bryan stirs, jerking upward as he stands up straight. He looks across the ring, over at his opponent, as he tosses the bat aside. Indi moves in quickly, wasting no time as she begins to attack Bryan! Indi swarms all over him, throwing punches and haymakers as Bryan tries to cover up. He’s back up into the corner, but is able to get himself out of the way. Indi charges at Bryan, who pushes her back to the ropes. Indi doesn’t waste a single movement, as she responds with a Jumping Knee that knocks Bryan to the outside!]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I’m sure Bryan is wishing he had held onto that bat, but already he’s being sucked into fighting Indi’s fight. He needs to take a few moments outside of the ring, collect himself, and remember what got him to the position he’s in right now.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Oh you mean that little bitch Dick that died earlier who cost Dakota the championship to begin with?

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I know you think what you just said is words, but oddly it sounded like the same noise Sasha Grey is famous for making.

 

[Indi doesn’t react, as Bryan gets back up on the outside. He waits for her to make a move, but she stays in place. Bryan chuckles to himself, sliding back into the ring as he waits for her to do something. It feels like this will break down at any moment, with either person looking for the other to crack. Indi doesn’t hesitate again, she charges at Bryan once more. Bryan sidesteps her, sending her back to the ropes again. This time Bryan catches her, cracking her with a Forearm that sends her spilling through the ropes, and outside of the ring! She gets back to her feet, climbing up on the apron as Bryan reaches for her. Indi, quick thinking, grabs Bryan and falls to the ground below as she drops him throat first onto the top rope!]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Indi’s well prepared. She’s got her opponent well scouted. And more importantly she’s fighting on her own terms. 

 

[Indi crawls around on the outside, trying to get her bearings as Williams is back to his feet. Bryan jumps out of the ring, but Indi slides back inside. Bryan quickly does the same, only for Indi to catch him with a Running Dropkick to the side of his head! Bryan rolls backwards, where Indi meets him with a Shining Wizard for his troubles! She’s doing what she can to keep Bryan down early in this match. Bryan tries getting back up, but Indi catches him with an Elbow that drops him back down to the mat.]

 

[Bryan staggers up, shooting upwards to his feet where Indi catches him with another hard elbow shot. She grabs his right arm, putting her right foot under his chin. Throwing herself down towards the mat, her foot shoots into his jaw, causing him to fall backwards! Indi uses this time to plan out her next move, as Bryan is trying to get back up to his feet. She rushes forward, using both of her knees as weapons as she strikes the middle of Bryan’s back! Bryan falls through the ropes, landing on the outside. Indi watches as Bryan tries to get back up, she looks to the ropes and decides right there. Sprinting full speed, Indi rushes towards Bryan and leaps through the ropes! Her suicide dive is caught, however, as Bryan meets her with a steel chair shot!]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

And. Just. Like. That. Bryan Williams regains control of this match, bringing Indi’s momentum to a grinding halt.

 

PERRY WALLACE

I will admit. It’s nice to finally see someone else in one of his matches get a concussion other than him.

 

[The shot echoes throughout the arena, Indi’s face is immediately a sea of crimson red. Bryan falls backwards, leaning against the barricade. He pulled it out from underneath the ring, and now Indi is in trouble. Bryan brings the chair down across her back, smashing it with intensity we haven’t seen from him yet. Indi’s cut looks bad, but she isn’t quite giving up yet. Indi kicks Bryan in his stomach, causing him to drop the chair. Quickly, she grabs it and brings it down across his back! Bryan reacts accordingly, but quickly grabs Indi and throws her into the nearby ring steps!]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Alright, easy Bryan. You should know better than anyone else the sort of long term damage sudden impacts to solid objects can have.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Earlier you mentioned a transcript for this event and I just want to point out that in this particular match it’s going to read that Indi’s cut looks bad. Like, how do they know what it looks like?

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Not that cut, Jett.

 

[Indi tries getting back up to her feet, but Bryan is there waiting for her. He quickly grabs her, dumping her to the mat with a Rolling Release Suplex. Indi lands harshly on her back, easily getting the wind knocked out of her in the process. Bryan looks over to the ladders set up around the ring, but he appears to be in no rush to grab one. Instead, he grabs Indi and lifts her back up. Bryan tosses her back inside of the ring, where he follows her.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Back into the ring again.

 

PERRY WALLACE

At this point, why even bother.

 

[Bryan takes his time, walking back over to his downed opponent. Indi still seems a bit out of it, she turns to her stomach and tries to crawl back to her feet. Indi tries to get back up, but Bryan meets her with a Running Boot to the side of her head. This really hasn’t been much of a wrestling match, but more of a fight between these two. Bryan looks to the outside, eyeing up the ladders that surround the ring.  With bad intentions in his mind, Bryan grabs his opponent and drops her neck first over his knee with a Ushigoroshi! With Indi down, Bryan heads to the outside to look at the hardware.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

And back outside of the fucking ring again. Jesus Christ make up your mind.

 

PERRY WALLACE

You leave our lord and savior out of this you heathen!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I didn’t see you at church this morning.

 

[Bryan finds a ladder, after deciding for a moment. He picks it up, looking to hoist it back into the ring. Much to his surprise, and everyone else's, Indi Rhyder is up. She baseball slides into the ladder, causing it and Bryan to go flying backwards. The ladder crashes spectacularly, Bryan crashing backwards into the barricade as the ladder crashes into him. Indi quickly races to the outside, hoping to attack Bryan before he can get back up. Bryan pushes her away, but still receives a boot to the side of his head from Indi. He drops to one knee, and Indi thrusts her right knee out catching him on the side of his face. Bryan drops to the floor, allowing Indi a bit of rest now. Indi picks her opponent up, dragging him back towards the ring.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

And now back toward the ring all over again. Like goddamn just pick one already. Either beat the shit out of each other with stuff that makes no sense to be under or around a ring, or just stay in the damn ring and have an actual wrestling match. Fucking hell. 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Does this qualify as one of those Home Depot matches you’re always talking about?

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

It’s getting there.

 

[Indi slams Bryan head first into the ring apron, before pushing him into the ring. She turns her attention back towards the ladders, grabbing one to bring it inside. With the ladder inside of the ring, Indi looks for a way to keep Bryan down for a good while. His attacks have been all strikes so far, but the beating he’s taken compared to her isn’t much of a comparison. Before Indi can start looking for weapons or anything that would help, Bryan is back on his feet. He chases after Indi, who rushes around the ring. She quickly slides in, getting a head start, as Bryan follows. Indi heads to the ring apron, and uses a Slingshot Spear to stop Bryan in his tracks!]

 

[Indi doesn’t look to slow down, as she quickly climbs up to the top rope. A double stomp from the top is in mind, and she connects all of it on the back of Bryan’s head! Bryan drops down to the mat, allowing Indi a chance at some rest and recovery. With some quick thinking, Indi maneuvers the ladder into the center of the ring. She takes a good look at the Union Battleground Championship hanging high above her, and sets up the ladder. The fans are cheering her on, trying to motivate her to the top. Their silence brings grim news, as Indi discovers far too late that Bryan is back up to his feet. He grabs Indi, pulling her off the ladder and tossing her over the top rope and onto the apron back first!]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Man, all that peyote and meth probably led to Indi forgetting she needed to beat his ass some more before trying to climb that ladder. It’s the little details that matter, Perry.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Is that what you told my daughter?

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I don’t tell Genie anything. We have adult discussions and make our decisions and choices together as a team.

 

[Indi lays on the outside, clutching her lower back after being dropped onto the apron. Bryan looks at the ladder in front of him, quickly deciding to continue what he’s been doing. He rolls outside of the ring, his focus and attention all on his opponent now. Indi lays on the outside, bleeding from her forehead and clutching her lower back. Indi grabs the barricade, pulling herself back up to her feet. The crowd suddenly gets alive with excitement, Bryan grabs Indi and tosses her into the crowd! Up and over the barricade she goes, as Bryan doesn’t look to do much more than that. Indi crashes into some chairs, but she’s not down yet. She hops up to her feet, climbing the barricade and jumping off of it to connect with a Knee to the back of Bryan’s head!]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Well that was dumb as fuck. Why didn’t Williams just climb the ladder after nearly killing her? Fucking CTE man. 

 

PERRY WALLACE

That would be too easy! He has to slowly work up to that point… DUH!

 

[Bryan and Indi crash to the ground, still outside of the ring. Bryan tries getting back up, as Indi lays into him with several forearm shots to his back. Bryan struggles to stand, but in doing so we see  a fury in his eyes, Bryan looks over to his opponent. A headbutt clocks Indi, sending her stumbling backwards as Bryan reaches out to grab her. Before she knows it, she’s hoisted up into a Powerbomb as Bryan drops her on the ring apron! The crowd cries out, they feel Indi’s pain as she clutches her back. Bryan tries to collect himself before getting back into the ring, as his eyes move towards the Union Battleground Championship.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Oh now you want to look at the title, Bryan? NOW?

 

PERRY WALLACE

YOU CAN’T HELP BUT LOOK AT IT HANGING ABOVE THE RING!

 

[With Indi down on the outside, Bryan easily can climb the ladder. Doing so he takes his time, securing his footing as he climbs up it rung by rung. The fans chant for Indi, calling her name as Bryan takes every step. Suddenly, their chants turn to cheers as Indi gets back up to her feet. Nearby, the chair that Bryan used earlier lays next to her. She grabs it, getting back into the ring with an equalizer in hand. Bryan’s advancement is halted, as Indi connects with a solid shot to his back! Bryan falls, crashing to the mat as Indi looks to take back control of this match!]

 

[With Bryan in a good position, Indi quickly heads to the top as she connects with a Kharmic Trip! She lands with all of it, keeping Bryan from getting up anytime soon. It isn’t enough though, as she knows she needs to keep Bryan down for good. Indi thinks it over, looking to head back outside of the ring. She looks under the ring, going as quickly as she can move. Something catches her eye, and she makes a move for it. It takes a little while, Indi struggles, but eventually pulls out a monster sized ladder. The height of this thing would easily reach the championship above the ring, and then some. Indi moves the ladder into place, propping it against the ring.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Do they have that big of ladders at the amish farms that you sell tires to on the side, Wallace?

 

PERRY WALLACE

Probably with their dumb outfits and suspenders looking like fucking toolbags.

 

[The crowd gasps as Bryan dives through the ropes, knocking himself into Indi as they both crash to the ground! She didn’t seem him coming with the Suicide Dive, and Indi definitely paid a cost for it. Bryan seems to have hurt himself in the process, looking a bit loopy as he tries to get back up. He takes his time, gritting his teeth as he fights through the pain to stand back up. Indi doesn’t struggle much, as Bryan lifts her back up to her feet. The nearby commentary table appears to be the next destination, as Bryan slaps and moves objects out of the way. Bryan quickly picks Indi up to her feet, and Powerbombs her right through the announce table!]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

GODDAMNIT WILLIAMS YOU DID THAT SHIT ON PURPOSE I KNOW YOU DID. I SWEAR TO GOD IF I WASN’T RETIRED I’D BEAT YOUR ASS ALL OVER AGAIN.

 

PERRY WALLACE

You’d think these dummies would try to put someone through this plexiglass box I’m in but then I’d have to shoot someone and I don’t even own a gun!

 

[Indi doesn’t move, Eli gets out of the way in time. Bryan grins to himself, before turning around to look back at the ring. He takes the ladder that Indi had gotten, pushing it inside of the ring. Slowly, he sets it up, placing it next to the ladder already inside of the ring. Bryan doesn’t have much time to try for the title, though, as the crowd begins to cheer. His attention is turned towards the broken announce table, as Indi stirs!]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Every single time. I swear to fucking God, Perry, if you’re paying them to do this I’m revoking your grandparent rights. Oh don’t fucking give us that look, Williams, you stupid bitch. 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Why in the fuck would I pay him anything?! He’s a goddamn cheater at Madden and beer pong!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Git gud and quit being a bitch, Perry.

 

[Bryan can’t believe it, Indi is slowly getting back up to her feet! He quickly leaves the ring, walking over to Indi as she slowly walks towards him. Bryan drills her with a right hand, dropping her. He looks around the ringside area, searching under the ring for something. He quickly pulls out a table, setting it up. He grabs Indi by the hair, but she responds with a low blow! Bryan drops to his knees, as Indi collects herself. She’s able to get up to the ring apron, taking a second for herself.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

WILLIAMS YOU’RE TELLING ME THERE WAS A TABLE UNDER THERE THIS WHOLE FUCKING TIME AND YOU HAD TO USE OURS?! I HOPE YOU LOSE AND I HOPE CASHE FINDS A WAY TO GET AROUND YOUR MUTE TOO!

 

PERRY WALLACE

For the record, I had nothing to do with that comment.

 

[With fury in his eyes Bryan slowly gets to his feet. Indi Rhyder does her best to contain him, but his fighting spirit will not allow him to go down. Indi Rhyder tries to kick him from the apron, but Bryan ducks and slams her face first onto the ring apron! Indi watches as Bryan climbs onto the apron with her. He lifts her up, putting her over his shoulder as he intends to drive her through the table himself. Indi, finding her own fighting spirit, fights out of his grasp as she lands behind him! She shoves Bryan, he plants face first into the turnbuckle post! It’s easy to see what comes next, Indi grabs Bryan’s head and uses her Indi’s Circuit to drive him through the TABLE!]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Haha YES! GOOD JOB QUEEN! 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Queen?

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Yes. Coachella Queen.

 

[The crowd is on their feet, as Indi has turned the tides of this match back into her favor! She struggles to get back in the ring, having taken a lot of damage so far. Indi crawls from the wreckage of the table, getting up to a knee as she tries to get back into the ring.]

 

[At the same time, Bryan appears to be trying to get back up as well. Much to the crowd’s surprise, but he doesn’t go for the ring. Bryan’s attention is on something else, his bat. Slowly, both opponents crawl towards their current objective. Indi makes progress heading into the ring, rolling under the bottom rope as she looks at the ladder next to her. Bryan crawls his way over to his bat, using it to help himself back up to his feet.]

 

[Indi gets up, using the ladder to prop herself up. She’s slow to climb, but it isn’t much of a race right now. Bryan’s sluggish in his movements, unable to really race into the ring. Indi’s got a head start, but Bryan has a weapon in his hands. He rolls under the ropes, getting into the ring finally as Indi appears to have made it halfway up the ladder! Bryan starts the climb, using the ladder next to the one that Indi’s on to make his way up to meet her!]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

This whole match, like every ladder match ever, has been building to this point where champion and challenger beat the shit out of each other at the top of the ladder until one finally falls off. Nothing else before this moment really matters.

PERRY WALLACE

I can see the SEF bitch in my head saying prove it to that statement, Eli.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I can’t see him saying anything because he blocked me.

 

[Indi finally reaches the top of the ladder, she sees that Bryan has made it up as well. Bryan doesn’t seem to be too stable, he uses one arm to swing the bat at Indi! Indi is able to move out of the way, trying to keep herself and the ladder balanced. Bryan swings again, but this time Indi is able to catch his bat! He looks to be struggling himself, unable to break it away from her grasp! Indi uses her foot to push the ladder away, as it begins to tip over with Bryan on it! He falls to the outside, crashing to the ground as Indi lets go of his bat! The crowd cheers, there’s nothing left to stop her as she reaches up and unhooks the Union Battleground Championship and drops to the canvas below!]

 

[DING! DING! DING!]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

OH MY GOD SHE ACTUALLY DID IT!

 

PERRY WALLACE

He’d even say prove it to that one while watching it with his own two eyes.

 

MIKE DEMPSEY

Here is your winner, AND NEW Union Battleground Champion, “The Butterfly” Indi Rhyder!

 

[The crowd is in pandemonium right now and Indi Rhyder hasn’t quite grasped what has just happened. The referee raises her hand in victory as she is visibly struggling to get to her feet. Soon the realization starts to sink in as a wave of emotion takes over Indi and she begins to go wild with the fans! Indi can’t help herself but to share this moment with her “buds” and slides out of the ring and heads toward the crowd! Fans continue to cheer and pat her on the back as she guides herself through the wave of outstretched hands. This is a moment she wants to share with the world. She stops about ten rows up and turns with the crowd and just as she begins to hoist the title high in the air, the live feed cuts away from ringside.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

What the fuck is this?

 

PERRY WALLACE

Hopefully the second coming of christ.

[Outside in a relatively empty parking lot sits a production truck. All seems well for the moment until static flashes across the split shot. Whispers seem to float around the interior of the arena as Indi continues to celebrate, not yet having her attention drawn to the big screen inside. Suddenly the door to the production truck bursts open and two employees are deposited down the short flight of steps to the paved lot. Hurriedly they push themselves back up to their feet. Half a moment later one black boot steps out and touches down on the first step as Kaven Drell emerges with a sinister smile etched into his face. One step. Two steps. Three steps and he’s down onto the pavement as well, his vision turning to address the audience inside.]

 

KAVEN DRELL

You didn’t believe I would actually stay away did you?

 

PERRY WALLACE

Security!

 

[A soft, eerie chuckle rumbles from deep within him as he takes a step closer to the building. His once bushy beard now shorter, although beginning to return some of its length that had existed in the past. His right hand drifts up to rub the top of his bald dome before he continues once more.]

 

KAVEN DRELL

No, I wouldn’t miss a night like this. I know that all of you thought I would find a way to show up during my good friends tag team championship opportunity. But I think we all have seen what sort of abject failures they’ve both become without me. No. No. I’m not here for them. But for you…

 

PERRY WALLACE

Thank you God.

 

[A smirk forms on Drell's lips as again he takes another step closer to the building. His pacing is meticulous and ominous, and for anyone familiar with him that’s unsurprising.]

 

KAVEN DRELL

Yes, Indi. I’m speaking to you. Do I have your attention, bud?

 

[Chuckling at his own joke, Drell softly pats himself on the back.]

 

KAVEN DRELL

For so long you’ve been focused on the self proclaimed savior of Union Battleground that you’ve failed to see the true danger to all that you are. Oh, yes, you’ve reached the top of a relatively insignificant mountain. Congratulations on that, by the way. But look around at the masses that just had your back a few moments ago. Look around and ask yourself if they’re really, truly there for you.

 

[Inside the building, Drell now very clearly has Indi’s attention though she doesn’t look bothered by him or his words. That is, she didn’t until the first burst of flame ignited a few feet away from her. And then another. And then another. Slowly, but surely, all over the arena more and more little fires came to life.]

 

KAVEN DRELL

For too long you have been consumed with your own ego, and with conquering the pride of Bryan Williams, a man who stumbled into MY battleground without a clue of the world he was walking into. It’s almost a shame that I won’t get to break him the way I’m going to with you. You see, Indi, while these fans, they might cheer for you. They might buy your t-shirts and drink from overpriced cups with your face on them. But this company? These fans? They burn for me. And you know what I say?

 

[Drell takes another step closer to the building, just a few inches away from the camera that’s focused on him. Inside of the building, the mass of people that once seemed so supportive of Indi Ryder now seems to have been overwhelmed by a surge of the legion that follows Kaven Drell. They’ve pressed over and beyond the security barrier, surrounding the ring. Standing inside of the ring. The throng has completely encompassed the new Union Battleground champion and the flames only grow. Whether there’s panic or not in Indi, who’s to say. But there are no adoring fans in sight anymore. Just the horde.]

 

KAVEN DRELL

Let them.

 

[Maniacal laughter erupts from within as Drell extends his arms outward. Suddenly the shot returns back solely to the inside of the building but it’s as though Drell's laughter has fueled the mass of people on and it seems to echo in every crack and crevice of the arena. Just as they nearly swallow Indi whole there’s a rumble. A panicked scream. A burst of static. And then, the feed goes dead.]

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