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Relapse III: Let it Burn

SSE Arena, Belfast

Belfast, Northern Ireland

9,252

Desktop 1920 x 1080

[Static fills the perceptions with a digital snowy visual and raspy audio. This lingers almost to the point that it starts to hypnotize and completely draw the viewer in before things kick into gear. A quick flicker of the Battleground Network logo flashes and then without warning the visuals of violence drown out the senses.]

 

[Glimpses of some of the best moments from the Crown of the King Cobra Tournament roll out in succession; mainly highlighting the dominance of the undead mummy Inaros, the gruesome brutality of Lisa Seldon, the plucky will of Finn Whelan, and the dastardly ploys of Mikey Svarro. One by one, the opposition falls, until finally the haunting beauty of the Egyptian summoner Umi is seen holding the King Cobra Championship, with Inaros closely guarded by her side. Of course, this would be the last we see of the pair, and quite possibly the last of the annual championship tournament.]

 

[Changing gears, the hot pink-haired Alyssa Daniels is featured through her record-breaking Union Battleground Championship title defenses. From the likes of Kimitsu Zombie, Flash Kassidy, and at the same time, Kaelan Laughlin and Matt King, ”The Heart of Infinity” rewrote what it meant to carry the top prize championship. That is, of course, until her shocking announcement that she would be relinquishing the title right after the return from the midseason break. But we'll circle back around to that in a minute.]

 

[Flashback to the scenes of post-King Cobra, and now those Battalion Beauts are at the forefront. The reigning champion Osaka Rebels lay out the open challenge, and six teams will rise to the occasion. A series of three matches unfold leading up to War of the Worlds, where the teams of Fallon Lockhart and Josh Kennedy, Lisa Seldon and Ana Hayden, and Flash Kassidy and Jay Sinclair all stand victorious in their elimination matches and move on to a fatal four-way Main Event bout with the reigning champions of Hanako Takeuchi and Masatake Kawamata. In the end, new champions were crowned in a chaotic cluster of flying bodies as The Hellcats reigned supreme on this night in Chicago and this would be the stepping stone of ushering in a new standard to tag team wrestling in the Battleground.]

 

KILL! DRELL! KILL!

 

[The chant of the masses surges in next, and it's the epitome of deconstructing the status quo. Of course, this is the war cry of one, Kaven Drell. A man who planted his flag in the Battleground on day one by gifting the longest-reigning and most successful War Horse Champion, Elena DeDraca, her only loss. This was just a sample of what was to come from Drell, as the loose cannon steamrolled through the competition en route to cashing in and securing the Trench War Championship. No one has been able to stop this machine to date but could hints of downfall be on the horizon? It depends on who you ask.]

 

[The timeline gets reshuffled back to the end of Alyssa Daniels making her announcement to step away and glitched images of acting Owner Gunnar Graves scattering in-between frames. The booming voice of the older Graves brother sounds off with his announcement that the newly vacant Union Battleground Championship will be on the line in the coveted Guerrilla Warfare match.]

 

[Fast forward to that night and highlights of the final four competitors are cut together. James Radford, Bryan Williams, and Indi Rhyder all show promising hope of capturing the title, but it was the man known as The Butcher, Dakota Smith, that stood tall over the stack of nineteen other bodies. These four would be glued to the Union Battleground Championship picture for the remainder of the season, but it was Bryan Williams that separated himself from the pack and finished the season at Coup de Grace as the Champion of the Battleground. With the final impressions of Williams, Smith, Radford, Rhyder, and the returning Dick Devereaux, this was a night that laid a foundation in which season four would be built on. Will the competition continue to grow, or is someone waiting for the most opportune time to Let it Burn?]

[The feed goes live inside the SSE Arena and the Belfast fans are on their feet. Several camera angles pan through the crowd to capture the energy emitting from wall to wall inside the building. Things begin to settle down, only slightly, as the focus shifts to the commentary table where the one and only Dante Reed sits with a grin from ear to ear as he readies for his que.]

 

DANTE REED

Ladies and gentlemen, we are live exclusively on the Battleground Network here in Belfast, Northern Ireland at the SSE Arena, Belfast for Relapse III! I'm Dante Reed and tonight we officially kick off season four of Union Battleground! We've been through some crazy times as of late, but you also get the sense that we're just scratching the surface! 

 

Tonight we have a sweet lineup in store for the fans here and those watching at home. Three titles are on the line plus four highly anticipated grudge matches. To kick things off, we have Anna Daniels taking on Cyrus Riddle. Two competitors who most recently come off of losses to become number one contender to the now vacant War Horse Championship. It was Willie Pete who won the triple threat bout, but Daniels and Riddle still have some beef lingering from that contest. Tonight they settle it and potentially put their name back in title contention. 

 

After that we got the fellow Irishman and NVR World Champion Daniel McNamara coming back to the Battleground to face Erik Holland in yet another I Quit match! Ole Danny Boi beat up on Johnny Vachon at the season three finale Coup de Grace in the Spanish version No Más match, and right after he called out Holland to jump right back into the same scenario. Can Daniel go two-for-two tonight or has he bitten off more than he can chew?

 

From there we go into battle with Indi Rhyder taking on the Battleground debuting Miles Lucky. Indi somehow got overlooked at a shot at the Union Battleground Championship after her win over James Radford at Coup de Grace, so surely she has that as big motivation for tonight. Miles on the other hand has a monumental opportunity at hand and if he’s anything like his name suggests, he’s in position to catapult himself right into that title discussion. 

 

Run it back to the War Horse Title, tonight we will see Wendy Wynne and Willie Pete face off in a rematch for the vacant strap. Wynne got robbed by Kaven Drell when he interfered in her match against Kaelan Laughlin for the title, but gets another crack at it against a man she’s beaten already. 

 

Then we move to the back half of the card and we get to the Butchers War Games match! Dick Devereaux leads his team of Squiggly and the hardcore legend Kuk Killswitch as they take on Dakota Smith and his bat shit crazy cohorts of Jacob Kuntz and RotGut. We saw the return of Devereaux at Coup de Grace when he smashed Dakota Smith over the head with his signature baseball bat. Whichever way this match ends tonight, you can guarantee it won’t be the last. 

 

Then we move into the Co-Main Event. Bryan Williams makes his first defense of the Union Battleground Championship against a very familiar foe, James Radford. These two have been intertwined since entering the Battleground, scratching and clawing their way to the strap. From Guerrilla Warfare to their triple threat encounter that included Indi Rhyder, these two have constantly been in the same discussions. Radford’s manager Bobby Benson somehow pulled some strings to make this match happen despite Radford’s loss to Indi, so you get the feeling this is do or die time for Country Fine. 

 

And then finally, the match we’ve all been waiting for — the Inferno match for the Trench War Championship between Kaven Drell and Kaelan Laughlin! Belfast’s very own Irish Rose looks to be the first to finally put down the phenom and do it at his own game. There has been so much animosity built between these two as a result of constant ambush attacks both inside and out of the ring. Family members attacked and mind games set on an endless loop, this matchup has become very, very personal. We’re all looking forward to the culmination of this rivalry and we’re just hours away. 

 

Before I turn things over to the action, I have a very important announcement to make. This is it for me. This is my last broadcast for the foreseeable future for Union Battleground. I have found not one but two absolute LEGENDS of the business to take my role. While I’m saddened that I’m closing this chapter of my career, I’m happy to fully focus on Union Grand Prix and elevate the brand of the Network to uncharted heights. So allow me to be the first to introduce to you…

 

[Dante allows for a dramatic pause and gestures to the main stage. The crowd goes quiet as they wait with bated breath. Finally a set of heavy guitar riffs shred through the PA system followed by a low bass melody. The crowd knows the song and bursts into cheers right before the hook.]

KILLING IN THE NAME OF…

[The voice of Zack de la Rocha snaps the crowd to attention as they look to the top of the ramp. The lights dim down, shrouding the raucous crowd in a heavy shadow and the cheers grow even louder with intensity. Finally a single spotlight shines down and out comes Elijah Carlson! The crowd pops as the 4CW North American Champion pauses for a moment to take in the reaction. Eli begins to head down the ramp but stops about midway. He puts his index finger up and lip syncs to the crowd to hold on. He then looks over his shoulder, and following slowly behind is the mother fucking notorious Perry Wallace!]

 

DANTE REED

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Elijah Carlson and Perry Wallace!

[Eli waits for Perry to catch up before the two continue to head down the ramp. As they reach ringside, they split off to opposite sides and play up the front row crowd before meeting at the commentary table. Dante gives Eli a fist bump and offers up a chair, while Perry holds up his hand inside of the plexiglass shaking his head from left to right.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

See, Perry. That’s what a real businessman looks like. That’s how a professional carries himself. Maybe take a few notes that way when you decide to open 4CW in a few months for a couple of shows you won’t be out here acting like Rob Jones on his paddleboat.

 

[Holding up a single finger to stop Eli, Perry reaches in his inside jacket pocket and pulls out a headset. Placing it on, he looks back to Eli from behind the plexiglass.]

 

PERRY WALLACE

For the safety of the fanbase, I don’t see 4CW reopening anytime in the foreseeable future. It was a tough decision, but one with the best interest of everyone involved. It’s unfortunate the rest of the country didn’t follow suit when I did. We could have really saved some lives in these uncertain times.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Do you think if someone knocked that plexiglass over that you’d be like a turtle flipped over on its back?

 

[Eli reaches over and gently shoves the plexiglass cubicle.]

 

PERRY WALLACE

I’m going to have to ask you to settle down before my two hombres have to get involved. They worked hard on setting this thing up.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Damn, I can’t believe it. Hadley blocked her Papa’s phone number. That’s crazy, man.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Just wait! I’ve been watching some really cool videos on making tree houses out of this stuff. She’s going to love it.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Do these “hombres” of yours have proper documentation. I don’t want ICE busting in here because you brought illegals all the way to fucking Ireland, Perry.

 

PERRY WALLACE

I’m not quite sure to be honest. I’m still trying to figure out if the smaller one has a teardrop tattoo under his eye or if it’s just a mole.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

You better hope it’s not a mole because I heard Theejay is hanging out around the arena somewhere and he’s looking to hurt you.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Theejay trying to hurt me is like Derrick La’Ball trying to win his last fight. It ain’t going to fucking happen!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Aren’t you the same guy that was hiding under his desk every Adrenaline because someone was always looking to kick your ass?

 

PERRY WALLACE

That was all theatrics.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Alright, well before this turns into a segment that would rival the shit you and Kaysie used to put out, let’s get this show on the road shall we?

 

PERRY WALLACE

Hold on just a second, I was fitting to call Feets and include him in tonight’s commentary masterpiece.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I will literally give these two all of the money in my wallet to disassemble that cubicle just so I can cough in your face if you even think about calling that dumb fuck. 

 

PERRY WALLACE

You better not say stuff like that too loud. I’d hate for you to get quarantined here for weeks and have to eat nothing but potatoes.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I’m not part of the susceptible group, Perry. Even if I did have it I’d most likely be asymptomatic. You, on the other hand. Well, you’d probably die. But I don’t have a problem with that at all.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Excuse me but I don’t have to sit here and be spoken to like that. On with the show. Chop, chop!

TELL ME ABOUT YOUR LOVE AFFAIRS

TELL ME ABOUT YOUR MORAL RESIGNATION

OH, UH-OH, OH OH OH OH
UH-OH, UH-OH

[‘Les Os’ by The Unicorns hits and for the handful of fans who recognize who the song represents are driven to immediate attention as a non assuming man in a simple black Tom Ford suit steps out onto the entrance stage. He’s already equipped with a microphone. It’s Harvey Lohman and he’s about to tell you why you should pay attention to him. The music cuts.]

HARVEY LOHMAN
Ahem, oh well it’s so good to be here. Yes. It. Is. If you ask me, it’s been too long since I was able to attend a Union Battleground event and even moreso, it has been ages since I’ve been welcomed to make, well, a fairly big announcement.

[His is a toothy grin, not quite cheshire, but otherworldly enough to stir a faint sense of foreboding and discomfort in those who are paying close attention. To everyone else, he looks like a little clown in an expensive suit.]

HARVEY LOHMAN

For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Harvey Lohman and up until…

[He checks his smart watch.]

HARVEY LOHMAN
Oh about three weeks ago, I was a simple lawyer, pretty cautious and quiet. I wasn’t up to much, but now, here I am. I am once again the representative of a professional fighter. I’m not an agent, a manager, or anything like that. No, I’m just the guy who keeps his client out of jail.

[He lets out a devilish giggle.]

HARVEY LOHMAN
Because he has a tendency to get...jailed.

[Wink.]

HARVEY LOHMAN
I’m here to let you all know that Jove Belane is coming back. He might even be on the next episode of Lights Out. Wouldn’t that be something? For those of you who don’t know who Jove Belane is, well, he was the man who was on the verge of making quite the ‘impact’ on Union Battleground, before, let’s say, personal reasons drew him away. But yes, those ‘personal reasons’ are all cleared up and he’s ready.

[The guy is small, but he might as well have horns. He exudes a kind of energy which can only be recognized as the pure ‘fine wine’ of evil.]

HARVEY LOHMAN
So! I hope you’re all ready for Union Battleground to be up-ended by the man who I represent-Jove Belane. We will see you all very soon.

[The mic drops, ‘Les Os’ hits, and Harvey’s gone just as quickly as he arrived.]

MIKE DEMPSEY

Ladies and gentlemen, we are LIVE exclusively in the Battleground Network here at the SSE Arena, Belfast in Belfast, Ireland — and this is Relapse III: Let it Burn! The following battle is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, standing 5’7” and weighing in at 135 pounds, from Fascination Street, she is ”The Muse” Anna Daniels!

 

[Darkness falls on the arena because this is how the best wrestling entrances start. The Teemba edit of Solid Space’s “A Darkness In My Soul” begins to play much to the bemusement of the crowd. It plays for a bit, building up through the somewhat extended intro before the top of the ramp is swept with light revealing Anna Daniels! Hurray!]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I want to say something nice about Anna but she doesn’t follow me on twitter. Plus she let AJ Morales into the Hellcats. So, that’s like 4 billion negative points for her there. I’m sure she’s going to do swell tonight, though.

 

PERRY WALLACE

You say something nice about someone else? I’d like to fucking know when. You’ve never said anything nice about me, your father in-law.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Shut the fuck up you fat bitch. This is how this is going to work. I’m going to be the Steve Johnson of this tandem. You know, the one who knows what the fuck he’s talking about. And you? You’re going to be the dumb fat bitch Vinny Vassa who knows nothing and eventually chokes to death on a turkey leg.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Vinny couldn’t even fit in this plexiglass barrier I had specifically constructed because I knew I’d be sitting beside you and all your toxic negativity BullEli. Everyone’s watching to see me anyway!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

We’re sorry, all circuits are busy now. Please try your dumb bullshit again later.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Hey, guess who dies in the new Final Fantasy 7. You’ll never believe it.

INTO THE WILD

THOUGHTS OF AN

UNEARTHLY CHILD

PLANTS AND ANIMALS

[Anna, to her credit, stands proudly amongst the otherwise dark arena and soaks in the crowd’s reaction, whatever it may be, before giving a side eye to the ring. Making her way down the ramp, she walks as if she’s in a trance while occasionally doing one theatrical gesture or another. In fact, she takes her sweet ass time in doing so because the (Time) Lord doesn’t have to rush for you plebs. You wait for the (Time) Lord. She wipes her feet on the apron oh-so-nicely… before exploding between the ropes and in the ring like an absolute loon.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

So, anyway, Anna is some kind of time wizard or something like that. Which is ironic since you’d think if you could actually travel space and time that you’d go back and fix every single time you’ve lost. But, of course, like most wrestlers, she’s full of shit.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Man, I wish I had those abilities. There’s a lot over the years that I’d go back and change.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Me too. Like you being born. I’d completely erase that moment from history.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Mother fucker, I rescued you from Canada and donkey shows south, south of the border. I have to use two souths there because that guy, your father, was a dumb fucking retard.

 

MIKE DEMPSEY

And her opponent, standing 6’3” and weighing in at 227 pounds, from London, England, Cyrus Riddle!

COVER YOUR EARS AND SHUT YOUR EYES

'CAUSE WHAT I’M ABOUT TO SAY WILL RUIN YOUR NIGHT

THIS IS A CALL OUT AND I’M NOT SCARED TO DROP SOME NAMES

YOU’VE DUG YOUR GRAVE, AND HAVE NO ONE BUT YOURSELF TO BLAME

I SEE THE WORLD IN BLACK AND WHITE

BECAUSE TRUE COLOR ALWAYS FADES UNDER THE RIGHT LIGHT

[From behind the curtain, Cyrus Riddle emerges. With a black bandana wrapped around his face and a Kylla custom hooded leather vest decorated in blood splatter with two switchblades going through his initials designed on the back, he stands firm and examines the crowd with all to be seen on his face being his gaze. He holds up two fingers to the crowd with his arms outstretched before making his walk to the ring.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Lucky for Anna, it looks as though Cyrus lost his voice again. Shocking, right? So she shouldn’t have any problem winning this match since we all know that being able to talk has everything to do with in-ring ability.

 

PERRY WALLACE

That explains a lot actually. I can see why Derrick La’Balls in his mouth is so fucking terrible.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Do you feel safe behind your plexiglass? I bet Riddle would be willing to climb in there and get a little messy with you.

 

PERRY WALLACE

That fat bitch is sitting at home all alone. Don’t you ever reference her to me again you son of a bitch. That’s Riddle’s messy playpen.

 

[Cyrus approaches the ring with confidence in his steps, accompanied only by the subtle hints of methodical approach as if to be zeroed in on a victim.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Whoa, no need to go all Alpha Aidan, Perry. Riddle’s got that look in his eye on the way to the ring that says he’s going to try and recreate one of the three halfway decent moments of his ninety seven year career. Tell me, Perry, do you feel good that you’re responsible for enabling him for years on end? He should’ve crawled into a hole and died by now but here we are. All thanks to you.

 

PERRY WALLACE

The real question here is do you and everyone else feel good about being responsible for enabling me for years?

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I was honestly hoping you’d die from a drug overdose. Or from some rare form of STD contracted from Kaysie.

 

PERRY WALLACE

How’s Nevaeh doing these days, Eli?

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I’d say text her and ask her but it would take the rest of the show for her two functioning fingers to type up a response for you.

 

[Cyrus’ ascends the middle outside turnbuckle as the chorus begins to play, pulling the bandana from his face and throwing the hood backward only to mouth the next part in imitation of the lyrics.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Jesus Christ, Cyrus, how fucking long does it take to get to the ring. Hurry your shit up.

 

PERRY WALLACE

You weren’t around for the early 2000’s were you? His entrance doesn’t have nearly enough lyrics in it.

 

[His trademark smirk followed by a tongue glide along his bottom lip can be seen as he looks around the arena and jumps down to climb between the top and middle ropes. In the middle of the ring, he removes his vest slowly to reveal his heavily tattooed body and physique, not without that always evident bit of arrogance. He tosses the jacket over to the ring attendant and stands in the corner.]

 

[DING!]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Oh thank god finally.

 

[Anna begins to sway directly in front of Cyrus, who appears confused by this. Daniels halts her dance suddenly to dash forward at her larger opponent! She drives her right knee into the gut of the unsuspecting Riddle with force! Cyrus doubles over while Anna hits the ropes just behind him. She bounces off to slingshot at her opponent, who is facing the opposite direction now. Riddle throws a spinning elbow out of nowhere that catches the charging Time Lord flush on the jaw! The sudden shot takes her completely off her feet to halt her momentum dead!] 

 

[Riddle turns around to look down at Daniels. He swiftly begins dropping big stomps down on her with true malice intent. Cyrus buries his heel into her rib cage over and over hoping to break Anna before she gets going.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Taking a page right out of Sadie’s playbook here, except without the leather. Cyrus has grabbed control early in the match and is already looking to put Anna away for good.

 

PERRY WALLACE

That’s just nasty.

 

[Riddle reaches down after one last decisive stomp to bring Daniels back to her feet. She immediately begins kicking at Cyrus, who punches her directly in the face! Blood oozes from both nostrils as she falls through the ropes and out onto the apron.]

 

[Daniels almost falls off the side of the ring apron, but catches herself. Riddle stalks her from inside the ring methodically. Playing to the crowd by haunting this fan favorite. Cyrus stops to watch on as Anna slowly pulls herself up by the ropes in an apparent daze. Riddle changes tactics by running toward the opposite side of the ring. He bounces off to build more speed in order to hit Daniels with even more force. Anna comes to life suddenly! She was playing possum the entire time. She leaps up onto the top rope to springboard off at the charging Cyrus Riddle! She hits him with a picture perfect shining wizard that takes him completely off his feet! The crowd pops as she quickly scoops up a leg to pin Riddle!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Hey… do you think this is actually the first version of this match? Or do you think Anna has actually gone back in time and she’s changing history so that this is actually an alternate timeline?

 

PERRY WALLACE

Look Eli, if we’re going to sit here and talk about space and time then we’re going to need a little LSD. I’ll be honest with. I’m not quite feeling being trapped between this plexiglass tripping out of my fucking mind. However I will say that does sound way more pleasant than contracting the ‘rona from one of these dummy wrestlers climbing in that ring tonight.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

*muttering under his breath* Wish you’d trip on cyanide.

 

...One! 

 

...Two! 

 

...Kick Out! 

 

[Riddle kicks out at the last possible moment. Most of the frontrow believed he was finished, but he lives on. Anna peers up at the referee holding up three fingers in disbelief. The ref assures her it was two.] 

 

[Riddle pulls something out of the pocket of his wrestling trunks as Daniels and the referee discuss the count. Anna sits up on one knee as Cyrus comes in from behind with piano wire! He wraps it around her throat before falling back on the mat! The camera pans close to reveal the wire digging into the throat meat of the Time Lord. She desperately attempts to break free before this man can literally cut her throat!] 

 

[Daniels suddenly goes limp. Riddle releases her after feeling her dead weight simply let go. Soon as Cyrus does this however, Anna rolls out of the ring! Riddle grins at her through the ropes after noticing small trickles of blood running down her neck. The piano wire dug in enough to draw blood all the way around her throat. Small children in the front row cry before burying their heads into the chests of parents or guardians to hide from the unfolding scene. Anna reaches up with both hands to feel the cuts and warm blood. Riddle dips between the ropes to taunt Daniels as she realizes how close he came to cutting her throat. Cyrus mouths off at her before spitting directly in her face! The Time Lord reacts with an overhead kick! The heel of Daniel’s bounces off the skull of Riddle to send him back into the ring and onto his bottom!]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Hit him so hard I heard him say ‘Yes Mistress’ as he fell back into the ring.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Interesting. I always figured Riddle as a swallower.

 

[The solid kick sends Riddle into a daze while Anna wipes the blood across her face with both hands. The camera pans close to show the blood covering her now almost like war paint. Daniels slides back into the ring to come up from behind her foe, Cyrus Riddle. Anna begins laying into the seated villain with sharp kicks to the kidneys and spine! One right after another to build on this momentum further and further!] 

 

[The Union Battleground Medical crew watch from the edge of the stage. They believed Daniels to be in real danger with the cut around her throat but she refused. Anna continues her onslaught inside the squared circle with decisive kicks until Riddle falls down on the mat. He struggles to put up any kind of defense.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Welcome to the Anna Daniels snuff film. 

 

PERRY WALLACE

This should be a piece of cake for Riddle given his experience.

 

[Cyrus somehow manages to get up on one knee. He swings around to locate Anna, who catches him flush on the temple with a spinning heel kick! The crowd pops as she goes for a pin!] 

 

...One! 

 

...Two! 

 

KICK OUT! 

 

[Riddle kicks out then immediately rolls out of the ring. Anna Daniels will not relent. Cyrus gets over to the announce table while shaking his head. Riddle mutters something to the commentators before turning around to see a charging Daniels dive through the ropes! Anna nails Riddle to push him into the announce table! Cyrus bounces over the top of it leading the commentators to dive out of the way!] 

 

[The Time Lord rises to her feet to find Cyrus laid out alongside the security barrier. The camera pans close to show Daniels face covered in her own blood purposely. Cyrus stirs, but realizes he doesn’t have the true measure of this woman.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Okay, that’s really just not sanitary. I’m all for killing Riddle but there’s no need to risk spreading bloodborne pathogens. 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Bet you wish you had brought a plexiglass barrier. Now who’s the dummy, dummy?

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Let’s be real, the only reason you brought that plexiglass is because you’re afraid Derrick is gonna show up and whoop that ass. Wouldn’t blame him either.

 

PERRY WALLACE

That big dumb bitch couldn’t beat my dick.

 

[Riddle stumbles up after shaking the fog in his head. He focuses both eyes to find Anna Daniels standing directly in front of him! She takes hold of his wrist to irish whip him with all she’s got into the edge of the ring apron! Cyrus slams his right knee into the apron edge that causes him to nearly fall. He uses the apron to stay in a vertical base but his knee is obviously hurt. Daniels slithers on the floor behind him like a predator watching it’s hurt prey just waiting for the perfect moment to strike.] 

 

[Cyrus rolls into the ring, but clutches at the knee the whole way. Daniels glides into the ring behind him with wild eyes. Riddle begins to stand up but Anna kicks him in the back of the right knee cap to send him down onto the mat, belly first! Daniels then reaches down to take up the hurt limb of her opponent. She twists the knee with everything she’s got. The crowd roars as she steps on his left foot for even more leverage to twist his knee even more. A pop can be heard that causes the referee to call for the bell!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Well, that sounds like there’s knee surgery in Riddle’s future. Which is fine because it’s not like he’d keep up his end of the bargain if he was going to be booked anywhere after this match. Though I don’t know why anyone would waste their time either way.

 

PERRY WALLACE

I’m going to have to ask you to tone it down a bit, Eli. This isn’t radio where you talk about everything that went down on the Adrenaline prior.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I’ve never been on a radio program where I talk about what went down on the Adrenaline prior. Sounds fucking retarded if you ask me.

 

[DING DING DING!] 

 

[The medical staff rushes down to ringside in a hurry, but Anna refuses to stop twisting the knee even further. Cyrus passes out shortly after the pop is heard but Daniels has lost it.] 

 

MIKE DEMPSEY

Ladies and gentlemen, due to a referee stoppage, here is your winner, “The Muse” Anna Daniels!

 

[The referee and two ring grips manage to pry Anna off of Riddle to allow them to look at his knee. Daniels smiles ear to ear. The blood across her face still glistens in the bright lights but she feels fulfilled after possibly shelving this asshole for months with a simple pop.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Okay, production crew. Do your job and take us somewhere else. Tired of seeing this blood kink woman on my monitor.

[The slow rolling smoke of a cigarette pushed out of his opened mouth as Danny stood backstage, holding that cancer stick between the fingers of his right hand while his left grasped the edge of that NVR World Championship that he all too happily draped over his shoulder like a piece of plate armor. It was shield after all, was it not? The thing that defended him almost as much as he defended it.]

 

DANIEL MacNAMARA

Here we are again, at another I Quit match with a man who claims that they’ll never quit. They all say that though, don’t they? That they have no quit in them, that they’re invincible, that they can’t be broken, and that I lack what’s necessary to beat them. They say that, because that’s what they feel that they need to say. It’s tough guy rhetoric isn’t it? It’s..

 

[Danny let out a sudden, sharp, bark of laughter. He let it really spill out of him for a hard moment. The cigarette dropped out of his hand and he had to hold his chest to stop it, lifting that hand up to brush it through his red hair. The laughter made no sense, it was almost alien, it didn’t fit. Drawing that hand from his hair, he made a sniffling sound.]

 

DANIEL MacNAMARA

Sorry. I .. suppose going through the motions was a bit much for me. I do it so often that sometimes I honestly believe it myself. Erik Holland hasn’t even been on my mind lately. I should be happy right now. I’ve come home, to Northern Ireland, to stomp an arrogant arse into nothing, and I feel very little. No excitement, no disdain, just nothing. I don’t say that to be edgy, I say that because in my heart there’s a knot in lieu of alleviation, a silent anxiety for things to come that I can’t quite articulate because it’s both new and familiar all at once in an oxymoronic way.

 

[Danny soon shrugged his shoulders, as if to say ‘what else can I say?’]

 

DANIEL MacNAMARA

Despite this, I’m oddly at peace with myself going into this. I have nothing to gain from this match. If I lose, then I’ve lost to Erik Holland, a man I hold in low regard. If I win, then I’ve beaten Erik Holland and.. No one cares because it was Erik Holland. I’ve been fighting men and women that have come repeatedly for my head and crown, that want to dethrone me, and one of them, one day, is going to succeed in taking me down. No man can win every time, and I’ve already put my body through hell time and time again. I sustained injuries in the match that I took this belt in.

 

[Adjusting his left shoulder, clutching that belt tighter.]

 

DANIEL MacNAMARA

I took in more injuries fighting Johnny Vachon, Riley Savell, then Tillman, then Matias. Never resting, never giving myself time to truly adjust. Now, after this? I have to put more pretenders in their place. So, once more in the breach, dear friends. I have a would be monster to show their place to.

 

[Danny honestly just shrugged, again, and walked off without a further ounce of ceremony.]

MIKE DEMPSEY

The following battle is an I Quit Match, where the only way to win is to have your opponent say, “I Quit”. Introducing first, standing 6’6” and weighing in at 281 pounds. From Silent Hill, he is “Haunted” Erik Holland!

WE MUST SURVIVE!

ELIJAH CARLSON

Now, I’ve never been a fed head before. But if I had been a fed head, as a fed head I would say that that dumb bitch that’s coming out with Erik Holland right now is as soft as they come. I bet you’re blocked by her on twitter too, aren’t you Perry?

 

PERRY WALLACE

I’ve lost count of who’s all blocked me over the years. I’d love to be able to see the list but unfortunately I can’t and as a fed head, I blame Twitter for the toxicity. 

 

["The Haunted" ERUPTS over the sound system kicking up an air-raid siren style strobe light that pulses steadily but angrily on the stage. Lyal "Lyric" Allen comes bounding through the curtain first rocking her latest outrageous makeup and costume, waving to the crowd and bounding around like a super-ball. She heads to center stage as she sees her beloved charge Erik Holland advancing onto the stage. Holland turns around once, taking in the cheering crowd. Lyric wraps her arms around him, whispering something in his ear and then points at the ring, unleashing Erik Holland to make his way to the squared circle. He makes his way deliberately there, muttering to himself. Maybe he's talking to himself, talking to his fans, talking to his demons--we're not really sure, but he seems to be aware of the LOUD but mixed reaction that greets him, touching fists with his cheering fans--even going head to head with some, and ignoring the ones that are booing. Lyric is right behind him, slapping five with the fans, even getting a couple of hugs.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

During the coronavirus crisis of 2020 we should all remember that this dumb cunt was out here hugging people. Who knows how many countless senior citizens are going to die because she couldn’t abide by the social distancing guidelines.

 

PERRY WALLACE

If anyone catches it they can only blame themselves for hugging someone with a dumb name like Lyric.

 

[Erik and Lyric stop as they get to ringside, Lyric pulling him down for a kiss and last instructions before sending him tearing into the ring under the bottom rope. He lunges at the referee or the ring announcer, ending up sticking his head and upper body through the top and middle ropes as red strobes blaze all over the place. He stares out at the rolling, moshing swarm of fans, a sick smile playing across his scary-looking face. Lyric struts over and kisses him one more time then heads back to the backstage area and allows him to mug for the camera, spitting threats at his opponent (and perhaps the cameraman too) riling up the crowd even more, before he goes to each turnbuckle, acknowledging them by smashing his hand into the top buckle on all four corners.]

 

[Finally as the chaos begins to subside, Holland falls against a turnbuckle pad with his butt on the mat, muttering still, with a thousand yard stare locked onto the entryway. The lights return to normal and the music fades, as the crowd brings up one last roar ready for the fight.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Wish this douchebag with his vietnam stare would have died over there instead of Bubba. 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Look man, I can hijack this commentary and talk all day long about the war in Vietnam and Abbot Howard.

 

MIKE DEMPSEY

And his opponent, standing 6'3" and weighing in at 179 pounds, from Armagh, Northern Ireland, he is Daniel MacNamara!

 

DON'T WORRY ABOUT A BITCH WHO NEVER BEEN IN YOUR PLACE

ALWAYS MOVE IN SILENCE, NEVER QUESTION YOUR FATE

(RULE NUMBER 2)

ALWAYS CHECK IN ON YOUR NIGGAS, GOTTA MAKE SURE THEY STRAIGHT

IF I'M GETTING MONEY, THEN YOU KNOW WE ALL GOT A PLATE

ELIJAH CARLSON

OI! TOP O’ THE MORNIN TO YA LADDIE! I honestly didn’t know that the whole Macnamara family was from Ireland until recently. But then again I don’t really pay all that much attention to wrestling families. Between the Savells, the Wilsons, the Cornetts, the Kennedy’s and god knows who else, I just generally give up on anyone whose third cousin twice removed suddenly comes back from the grave to be the greatest professional wrestler ever seen. But what I do know about Daniel Macnamara is that there is no love lost between him and Erik Holland. He was pretty outspoken on twitter after the most recent series of Yamashi programming, and I think he’s genuinely looking forward to the opportunity to hurt Erik Holland here tonight.

 

PERRY WALLACE

I honestly have no fucking clue who this MacMana dude is. I first started seeing him on Twitter in the last couple months I suppose. Anytime you want to have a conversation about the state of professional wrestling now and its future I can go all night long because it ain’t looking too good with a lot of the up and coming talent these days.

 

["Smack A Bitch" by Rico Nasty hits the loud speakers and Danny walks out into darkness, pausing momentarily to take in the ambiance as it goes from black to low light levels. Standing at the top of that ramp, he makes a beeline for the ring. At the edge, he makes a vertical leap onto the canvas while he grabs the second rope and pushes down on it only to step between the second and top rope. In that ring, he walked towards the center of it and threw back his head, lifting his arms right as the lowlight turned black again, before going back to normal.]

 

[DING!]

 

[The bell sounds and without hesitation, both men rush at each other like raging bulls. MacNamara catapults himself in the air and tries to connect with a Superman Punch, but Holland is able to duck under it and grab his opponent by the waist. Danny Boi tries to break free from the clutches, but Holland bridges back and slams his opponent with a heavy German Suplex. MacNamara doesn't even have time to react before Holland swivels around and begins gouging at Danny's eyes! Erik digs his thumbs into MacNamara’s eye sockets, but Danny is able to quickly scramble his way out before any serious damage can be done.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

This action is hotter and heavier than Sativa’s DMs from other dudes. And just like anyone happening to read those dms, Erik Holland is trying to gouge out eyes.

 

PERRY WALLACE

I wish it were my eyes being gouged out here watching this.

 

[Daniel starts to get to his feet but Erik keeps the pressure on him and traps him in a front headlock. Holland hooks the arm over his head and picks his opponent up high in the air. Daniel stays suspended for several seconds before Holland drops the bottom out with a nasty brainbuster. MacNamara lays sprawled out and motionless after the impact, and Holland grins with evil intentions. After marveling at his work, Holland rolls out of the ring, and as you can expect, begins digging under the apron.]

 

[Holland looks like a kid in a candy store as he pulls out a couple of steel chairs and a table. Holland slides the chairs in the ring then begins setting the table up on the outside. When Erik finishes setting the table up and turns his attention back to the ring, MacNamara has recovered and is waiting to pounce. Danny Boi runs the ropes and perfectly times his leap over the top rope and catches Holland with a diving Hurricanrana, impaling him into the table!]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Funny how those tables always seem to be perfectly placed. 

 

PERRY WALLACE

I bet you two hundred that there’s a ladder underneath the ring as well.

 

[The crowd bursts into cheers as Daniel rises back to his feet and dusts off shards of table scraps off his shoulders. Daniel picks up Holland by the hair and thumps him with a few stiff jabs for good measure then begins smashing Holland face-first into the barricade. The front row fans are emphatic with the upclose sight of violence, and this fuels MacNamara even more. Daniel finally finishes things off by Irish whipping Holland away from the barricade, where he smashes into the steel steps. The monster of many names lies on the floor in a fog with blood beginning to trickle down his forehead while MacNamara breaks from the action to play into the crowd.]

 

[Daniel’s ears perk as he strikes an idea and begins walking over to the timekeeper’s table. He begins digging under the table, and eventually pulls out a Butane torch, assumingly for tonight’s main event. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pack of cigarettes and begins lighting one up with the torch. He takes a long drag and exhales a plume of smoke, really taking in this moment. MacNamara takes another drag then turns to search for his opponent… Bad mistake, obviously. As he turns, Holland is standing behind him with a fire extinguisher in hand! Erik pulls the pin and squeezes the trigger and bellows out a huge cloud which blinds MacNamara.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Haha, Daniel looks like Genie when I finish every night right now.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Things not working properly down there, champ?

 

[Even though MacNamara is a chain smoker based on his promotional work, the extinguisher is too much for his lungs and he begins to crawl on his hands and knees trying to escape. Holland can barely spot the red hair from the cloud but stalks him down and slams the extinguisher down onto MacNamara! One strike is all it takes for Daniel to flatten out and start writhing in pain, clenching his lower back. Holland tosses the extinguisher aside and begins stomping away at MacNamara’s back repeatedly. Erik grabs a handful of Daniel’s red hair and goes to lift him to his feet. However, right as MacNamara gets under his feet, he unleashes an explosive high crotch lift to get Holland up on his shoulders and free falls down to the concrete floor with a high angle slam! The Belfast Screwjob causes the crowd to roar with cheers but now both men are on the floor looking lifeless after taking some major damage.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

The fans are really behind Danny in this one. You can hear them promising a quarter of their potato crops and five bottles of whiskey a piece if he is able to win this match tonight. I think I heard one of the Price family promise one of their sisters to him in marriage too.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Oi? Oi, oi, oi?

 

[Eventually, both men begin to stir at the same time. As they get back to their feet, they begin trading punches. Back and forth, each strike only seems to garner more adrenaline as the fight now begins to travel around ringside. Blood is now beginning to seep into Holland’s eyes and blurring his vision. MacNamara takes note of it and changes up his attack with a high knee right into the sternum! The knee folds Holland over, which MacNamara follows up with his FAUGH A BALLAGH striking spear into the apron!]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

What a spear. It looks like Danny has taken those promises from the fans to heart. And… oh god what’s he building? That’s… that’s one table. And then another. It’s a damned hardware store under the ring.

 

[With Holland down, it’s MacNamara’s turn to start digging under the ring. Danny Boi pulls out not one, but two tables from under the ring and begins setting them up. After setting them up, he grabs one and stacks it on top of the other! MacNamara certainly has something in mind here as he goes back under the ring and eventually pulls out a ladder! The crowd grows loud with cheers as Daniel sets up the ladder, but just as he does, Holland stirs back to consciousness and rocks Daniel with The Move From Another World release Dragon Suplex! MacNamara narrowly misses the stacked tables but is clearly dazed as he gives off that thousand yard stare up to the rafters. Holland looks at what MacNamara has concocted with the tables and ladder and decides to take matters into his own hands. He picks MacNamara up and tosses him over his shoulder and begins ascending the ladder!]

 

PERRY WALLACE

I fucking told you!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

No, Erik. If I was a fed head I would tell you that as a fed head I wouldn’t climb up that ladder. Nothing good ever comes from jumping off shit that high in the air. Unless you’re me. Then it usually works out.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Does it really work out in the long run?

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Yes, Perry, it does.

 

[Rung by rung, Holland continues to climb with each step shaking the ladder and nearly spilling over to the sides until he finally reaches the top. Both men are battered, bloodied, and bruised and now elevated to nearly twenty feet in the air. Holland begins to try and move MacNamara off of his shoulders, but Danny Boi finally starts to retaliate and hammers away with some vicious elbows to the temple. The crowd gasps with each strike as the ladder continues to sway, but Daniel looks determined to better his position. After softening up Holland’s cranium, MacNamara slides off his shoulders and now has Holland’s head hooked under his arm! A look of surprised enthusiasm rushes over Daniel’s face as he knows what needs to be done.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Holy… fuck. I want to say don’t do it. But do it Danny. DO IT!

 

PERRY WALLACE

Crossing my fingers that they both land badly on their necks.

 

[With one full body jerk, MacNamara hits the Last Dog Barking Snap Suplex from the top of the ladder and the two men come crashing down at meteoric speed! As the two make the plunge, it’s clear their landing spot is not what was calculated and MacNamara ends up smashing through the double stacked tables and Holland lands on the barricades and absolutely folds like a lawn chair! The crowd is in shock and awe at the sight, believing Erik Holland is in critical condition. MacNamara begins to slowly stir out of the rubble and army crawls over to Holland. With what little he has left, Daniel hooks his leg around Holland’s and cranks back on his neck and puts him in a Twister! With a cameraman up close on the action, you can hear Holland shout the words “I Quit” and the referee calls for the bell!]

 

[DING DING DING!]

 

MIKE DEMPSEY

Here is your winner, Daniel MacNamara!

 

[Danny Boi doesn’t let go until the referee threatens to disqualify him. Finally he releases the hold and begins to struggle back to his feet, with his hometown crowd chanting his name in unison. Danny ignores the referee trying to raise his hand in victory, instead picks up his cigarette off the floor from earlier, and sparks it back up with a lighter in hand. Danny shuffles his way up the ramp while puffing on the bent and nearly broken cigarette, looking like a damn hero to these soulless gingers in the house tonight.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Well, I can’t wait to read a big rant about how toxic it was that Danny did that to him. But Erik Holland got exactly what was coming to him. Maybe now he’ll shut the fuck up and stop being a big fucking bitch baby on twitter.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Can you please just be nice for one goddamn second? You’re going to get me blocked just by sitting here tonight.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

You’re welcome for doing you that favor and sparing you.

[The scene opens with Bobby Benson pacing back and forth in one of the many hallways within the bowels of the SSE Arena. He is wearing a neon green suit with black question marks like The Riddler, and his megaphone has ‘THE Willie Pete’ spray painted on its side. When he turns to face the wall behind him the camera can see that ‘Country Fine’ James Radford has not been abandoned, as it is embroidered on the back of the loud jacket.]

[Finally, seeming exacerbated, he spins around to face the camera and points an accusing finger at the lens.]


BOBBY BENSON
THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, BRYAN WILLIAMS! You piece of unscrupulous garbage!

[Bobby seethes as the finger falls to his side and he begins to pace again, growing more and more irritated.]

BOBBY BENSON
By all that is holy, I have no idea how you managed to get one over on Perry Wallace, Dakota Smith, and I, but GET ONE OVER YOU DID!

[His shrill voice rises and it sounds like nails on a chalk board.]

BOBBY BENSON
And now James is upset, and I don’t know why. I really don’t. That country bumpkin couldn’t find a win to save his life, but because I look after my clients and realize their best interests before they do, I took matters into my own hands! I picked a fight with Bryan Williams! I put myself in harms way! I made sure that The Pride of Jackson was always in the periphery of the Union Battleground title picture, and yet…HE DOESN’T WANT ‘ME’ AT RINGSIDE!

[The vein running up the middle of Benson’s forehead looks like it is on the verges of bursting as he tears at the air feebly with his arms like a madman.]

BOBBY BENSON
Well that’s just fine! FINE! I don’t need to be at ringside to watch James Radford tear that lily livered sack of shit, Bryan Williams, a new one. I’ll still get the residuals from being the manager of the NEW Union Battleground Champion, so whatever!

[Bobby pauses for a second, looking shiftily from side to side as his tongue flicks like a snake to wet his dry lips. He can be heard mumbling to himself softly, “Will I get residuals even if I’m not out there?” Seeming to answer his question positively he gyrates and nods vehemently.]

BOBBY BENSON
Yes, Yes! So how about I focus my efforts on someone who actually does want my input, a great friend of mine and yours, and the man that is going to kick that stupid bitch, Wendy Wynne, right in her ham wallet! I am of course talking about the one and only Willie Pete!

[Bobby beams a confident grin at the camera and stands aloof for a second, but when nothing happens, he looks around past the camera in confusion.]

BOBBY BENSON
Pete? PETE WHERE ARE YOU? GOD DAMN IT! He was here just a minute ago….

[Benson shudders with another heavy sigh, shaking his head in utter disbelief.]

BOBBY BENSON
Abandoned again…What the hell is this world coming to? Where the Manager of Manager’s can’t even keep up with his own charges? You know what…it doesn’t matter.

[Bobby gives the camera stern stare, getting back his rhythm.]

BOBBY BENSON
All you idiots really need to know is that Willie Pete is going to completely destroy Wendy Wynne here tonight, and finally, after months of planning and scheming….Country Fine, James Radford, will become the new UB Champion and put the human waste bucket known as Bryan Williams in his place! NOW GET OUT OF MY WAY SO I CAN FIND SOME FUCKING BODY!

[Bobby shoves past the cameraman and stalks down the hall madder than fire, and the lens follows him go until finally fading back to ringside.]

[“Play God” by Sam Fender hits throughout! Miles Lucky slinks through the curtain to end up out on the stage.]

YOU WERE CRACKING ALL YOUR FINGERS

WITH YOUR EYES FIXED TO THE FLOOR

SOUND IT ECHOED DOWN THE STREET

BY THE MONUMENT YOU HEAR

MIKE DEMPSEY

The following battle is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, standing 6’2” and weighing in at 180 pounds, he is Miles Lucky!

 

[Lucky continues his way down the ramp. Avoiding both security barriers with an obvious anxiousness. Miles slides into the ring to a mixed reaction from the Union Battleground fateful.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Miles…. Lucky? That can’t be a real name, right? Someone just opened up one of those name generators and went with the first thing that popped up. Oof. This guy is going to have a hell of a time against the Coachella Queen.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Sharing a name with wrestling’s biggest registered sex offender is anything but lucky.

MAN IS SCREAMING THROUGH A MEGAPHONE

"GET YOUR HANDS OFF THE MIDDLE EAST"

EVERY WORD WOULD HERD THE CYNICAL

EVERY WORD WOULD CUT YOUR TEETH

MIKE DEMPSEY

And his opponent, standing 5’5” and weighing in at 130 pounds, from Los Angeles, California, she is ”The Galactic Princess” Indi Rhyder!

KARMA, KARMA, KARMA, KARMA, KARMA CHAMELEON

YOU COME AND GO, YOU COME AND GO

['Karma Chameleon' by the Culture Club hits over the PA System, and Indi Rhyder skips out onto the stage to a pretty big ovation. She leaps back and forth along the stage, a huge bubbly smile placed upon her lips. She turns to give the camera a wink as she passes on by down the ramp, slapping hands as she goes.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

If you wanted to do LSD, this is the time to do it. 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Stop lying, you wouldn’t drop acid with me right now.

 

[The Interstellar Star Child slithers beneath the bottom rope to end up in the ring. She nods at James, who acknowledges her back in a show of respect. Rhyder then winks at Radford before climbing up on the turnbuckle in the opposite corner in order to further rile this already pumped crowd! She leaps down before standing in the corner directly across from Miles.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Wait a second what the fuck is James Radford doing out here? Did he just show up for Indi to wink at him? He’s got a match later on tonight against Bryan Williams for the Union Battleground championship. Go get ready for your match, James, don’t be out here flirting with the fucking Coachella girl. Jesus.

 

PERRY WALLACE

You and me can both agree that he doesn’t have to spend too much time getting ready. He’s going up against Williams and unless he has that Butcher knockoff out here helping him like he did against Dakota this one should be a walk in the park.

 

[DING!]

 

[The two wrestlers strike out at the same time! Indi hammers Lucky with a left hook, but he counters with a right cross that sends Rhyder back into the ropes! Miles follows up by clotheslining Indi over the ropes and out of the ring! Rhyder bounces off the apron and ends up on the outside floor. Lucky rushes over to the referee to ask the time.]

 

[Indi looks on from the outside. This man appears to be completely unhinged to her. Lucky swings around and his confused expression turns sour. Rhyder slides back into the ring and the two begin swapping blows in the center of the ring! The crowd pops!] 

 

[Miles suddenly takes hold of Rhyder’s right wrist to slingshot her into the ropes with an irish whip! Lucky rushes toward the ropes in the opposite direction to build speed. The two wrestlers meet in the center of the ring with Indi ducking the clothesline attempt swiftly! Both wrestlers bounce off the opposite ropes to meet back in the center of the ring, where Rhyder strikes with a perfect sunset flip that she transitions into a pin!] 

 

...One! 

 

..Kick Out! 

 

[Lucky sits up fast! Indi peers over to see Miles crying. Lucky appears consumed by how Indi attempted to pin him. Hurt by the very notion. Rhyder is confused by this reaction and her expression tells the tale.] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Are you kidding me?! Is he seriously crying right now in the ring? Jesus fucking christ…

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I’m man enough to admit that I cried when Hadley was born. And we both know you cried big man tears every time Kaysie told you to go diving in her fish market. 

 

[Indi gets to her feet and takes off at the crying wrestler full speed ahead. She hits the spear, but Miles shuffles his feet and cradles her head for a violent DDT counter! Lucky then hooks a leg quick!] 

 

...One! 

 

...Two! 

 

...Kick Out! 

 

[Rhyder manages to get a shoulder up to break up the pin. She peers over to see Miles picking at scabs on his elbow. Blood pools around the exposed flesh as it was not healed. Lucky eats the scabs shortly after picking them. Indi nearly gets sick but pushes herself up. She has never encountered an opponent like this.] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Seriously, who in the fuck thought it would be a good idea to offer this retard a job? Let me guess, after the show we’ll find him in the back parking lot licking every window he can find.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

While I agree that this wasn’t necessarily the best hiring the world has ever seen, lets not forget you once employed Drew Stevenson, Nirvana, Madman and worst of all Silk at one point in time. You have a history of hiring fucking retards yourself.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Neither of them were eating their own scabs retarded.

 

[Indi comes at Miles, who remains on one knee. He springs up suddenly to begin punching at Rhyder! Lefts and rights in a flurry of pain. Rhyder falls through the ropes to end up out on the apron. This leads Lucky to hit the ropes on the opposite side to slingshot himself back at Indi, who slowly pulls herself up on the apron. Rhyder leaps up onto the top rope then springboards off for a flying thrust kick that finds its mark! Indi kicks Miles in the chest to send him to the mat, flat on his back. Indi is thinking pin while Lucky scoots towards the corner to escape! Rhyder watches as he leaps up and points at her. Miles then begins screaming and shouting nonsense at Indi. Rhyder rushes at Miles, who counters with an open hand slap that can be felt throughout!] 

 

[Indi touches the side of her face. A big red handprint now covers the side of her face. Rhyder turns to face Miles, who has begun picking at his skin again. Indi comes at Lucky, who lunges forward for a big shoulder tackle! Rhyder bounces back up and swings around to catch another shoulder tackle! Indi bounces back to her feet, but this time catches a back elbow smash! Miles' precise elbow shot sends a tooth of the superstar flying through the air. The camera pans to show it hit the mat. The crowd collectively gasps!] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Oh great, here come the tears again. Let’s all gather ‘round and watch Peckerman-lite cry like a little tittybabby because he knocked her tooth out.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Maybe the last name of Lucky is ironic? I don’t know. I honestly am not sure what I’m witnessing right now. 

 

[Lucky watches as Rhyder hits the mat. She appears out. Miles instead, makes his way over to the tooth. He picks it up and peers closely at it before putting it away in a pocket for keeps. Miles then turns slowly to see Indi now stirring. Rhyder staggers up to one knee when a boot hits her in the face out of nowhere! Indi is able to duck the second boot thrown by her deranged opponent!]

 

[The referee even appears confused by how this has all unfolded thus far. Lucky charges at Indi, who counters with a side stepping irish whip into the ropes! Miles slingshots back at her, where she catches him with a wicked basement dropkick! Indi staggers up to take hold of her fallen opponents legs. She works up the crowd before applying her figure four leg lock! Lucky thrashes on the mat before realizing they are positioned in the center of the ring.] 

 

[Indi puts the pressure on to build on the low dropkick. Miles takes his shirt off then uses it to bite down on. The wrestlers eyes widen as he peers directly into the eyes of Indi Rhyder. He refuses to tap.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

That shirt probably reminds him of the pillow he’s usually biting at this time of night.

 

PERRY WALLACE

And you said that I was Vassa in this commentary duo.

 

[Lucky begins to rock side to side while never breaking eye contact with Indi. The two stare into each other’s soul while Indi wants to finish this, right now. Miles manages to rock onto his side to begin pulling Rhyder along for the ride! Lucky rolls on over to reapply the pressure of the maneuver! Indi begins reaching out now to find a way out of this!] 

 

[Miles continues to punish Indi with his reversed figure four. Rhyder digs her nails into the mat to begin pulling them both closer to the ropes. Indi reaches out with only a foot now between her and the bottom rope. Lucky shifts his body and she lunges out to take hold of the bottom rope! No rope break in Union and Miles knows this. Rhyder pulls herself out onto the apron then takes hold of the edge to yank both wrestlers beneath the bottom rope and out onto the outside floor!] 

 

[When the two wrestlers hit the outside floor, Miles releases the hold and ends up on his back alongside Indi. He raises up then climbs on top of Indi to begin choking her! Rhyder wiggles beneath him but Lucky has two knees for each shoulder to pin her down on the outside floor. He squeezes at the throat of Indi to choke her out! Rhyder’s eyes begin to bloodshot as this man strangles the life out of her. Indi uses her free legs to knee him off from behind! Lucky falls forward to clip the end of the announce table, temple first.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Damn… did you see that sweat fly? Good thing you had that plexiglass Perry or you’d have been fucked.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Goddamn right it was. The entire world is getting sick and this fool thinks it’s a good idea to wrestle within six feet of someone else. Fucking schmuck...

 

[Indi staggers up while still clutching at her throat. She believes Lucky would have killed her in front of this capacity crowd with no issue. Rhyder’s entire demeanor has changed after this realization. Lucky stirs on the floor which causes Indi to rush over. She helps him up before pushing him toward the ring. Miles hits the apron then climbs up on it to rollback in. Indi runs toward the ring to slide in. Lucky appears almost concussed after busting his head against the edge of the table. Rhyder has little regard for his safety since he’s shown already his lack for hers. Indi gets up to come face to face with Miles Lucky. The two start swapping blows immediately!] 

 

[Lucky catches Indi with a solid uppercut! Miles follows up by adjusting his position before cradling Rhyder up into a suplex into the corner! He then quickly rolls her up into a pin!] 

 

...One! 

 

...Two! 

 

...Kick Out! 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Please for the love of God just let this end already. Rev, I swear, if you’re listening. If you can speak with the funny magician in the sky and get him to hurry this shit along, I’ll make a sizeable donation to your congregation.

 

PERRY WALLACE

I’m not quite sure that’s even possible but I’m all for it. End this now or end me. I need a quick break. 

 

[Miles hits the mat with two balled fists to demonstrate his frustration. Indi rolls away from Lucky to gather her bearings. That was close. Lucky gets on his hands and knees in front of the referee to display his displeasure. A sad expression crosses his face before Indi comes in from behind with a bulldog to drive his face into the mat! The crowd pops as Indi hits the corner fast! She climbs up on the middle turnbuckle to boost herself on up to top. She turns around to face out into the ring just as Lucky stumbles up. She leaps off as he begins to turn to catch him with two knees to ride him to the mat with one of her signature maneuvers! The crowd is worked up as Indi points back at the corner indicating she wants to take a “trip”!] 

 

[Lucky lands flat on his back directly in front of the corner. Indi rushes to the corner to leap up to land in a seated position on the top rope on both thighs to bounce backwards onto Miles for  Kharmic Trip! The crowd pops as she hooks a leg!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Please. Please. Please. Let this be it.

 

...One! 

 

...Two! 

 

...Three! 

 

[DING DING DING!]

 

MIKE DEMPSEY

Here is your winner, “The Galactic Princess” Indi Rhyder!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Thank fucking God. Not that it was ever really in doubt but after securing this victory you have to believe that Indi is going to be gearing up for a match with whoever it is that leaves Belfast with the Union Battleground Championship. Be it Bryan Williams or, fucking hell, James Radford. And if Bobby Benson shows his face out here tonight I’m going to kick his stupid teeth in.

 

[Indi stands up as the referee comes over to raise her right hand high in victory. Rhyder nods at Miles in a show of respect. Lucky rolls out of the ring and appears to be talking to himself. Indi works up the crowd before dashing through the ropes.] 

[The big screen lights up and the fans are obliged to pay attention. Given the fact that there’s nothing else for them to do, it’s a fairly easy task. It’s a dark look at the SSE Arena; the location is unclear. Then there’s a voice over and it sounds a lot like Bobby Benson. So we’ll just go with that.]

BOBBY BENSON
Somewhere, buried deep within SSE Arena is a bowling alley. Isn’t that incredible? There’s a shopping mall which boasts one dynamite food court. Willie and I both wanted to go bowling and it was very nearly a reality thanks to the face that I bring my bowling ball everywhere I go. I bowl a two-seventy average. I could have gone pro, but I’d rather be here with you all, and of course, my client Willie Pete. You know, the one who doesn’t get handsy with me?

[The lights flicker a bit and Bobby’s debonaire mullet is illuminated from behind. Soon he’s completely lit. The mood lighting looks more like the arena just forgot to pay the electric bill.]

BOBBY BENSON
Tonight, my client Willie Pete goes one on one with Wendy Wynne. If you rewind the tape a little bit, you’ll remember that Wendy put Willie down in his debut match at Union Battleground. She should have left him in the dust, but thanks to Willie’s perseverance and two-hundred IQ, here he is all caught up with Wendy Wynne! The title is on the line too and you and I both know that there’s nothing more I’d like to do tonight than welcome a nice big hunk of gold into The Family. Will he do it? Well, let’s hear from the man himself.

[The camera shifts to Willie Pete. Oh, not just any Willie Pete either - THE Willie Pete.]

THE WILLIE PETE
Right. Wendy Wynne, or who I lovingly call Wynner, and I will go to blows once again tonight. Ours will be the saga of the ages. It will overshadow all of the other matches tonight. We will be the two people that all the fans talk about when they look back at Relapse III. Maybe it will be because one of us is permanently mamed during the match. Maybe I pop out one of Wendy’s eyeballs and destroy her depth perception forever ruining her plans to one day become a jet pilot. Maybe Wendy rips my balls off and leaves me singing soprano and thus I move on to a lucrative singing career. Maybe….

[Pause for dramatic effect.]

THE WILLIE PETE
We both die! That’s right, maybe tonight we both become the sacrificial lambs for the show ratings. I can live with that. I can put Union Battleground before me, but can Wendy? Oh ho ho, I’m not so sure about that. It seems like it’s all about Wendy, all the time. That’s fine, by the way, she can be all about herself - because so am I. Tonight, I’m all about Wendy Wynner. I’m going to sense her every move. I’m going to know what she’s going to do, maybe even before she does. I’m also going to be there at the end, win or lose, to let her finally declare how much she loves me.

[There’s a gasp!]

THE WILLIE PETE
That’s right! I think Wendy Wynner has a little crush on lil ole me. Yep. So I’ll be there when she’s ready to come to terms with her emotions and when she does - I’ll tell her no! I’ve got a cloudy and complicated relationship with Brodie going on right now. Yeah, it’ll probably end in my death, but that’s a whole ‘nother thing. First and foremost are these incredible mind games I’m working on Wendy right now.

[The lights cut and the screen shuts down, leaving the fans to mull over what was said and decide whether or not any of it really made any sense.]

MIKE DEMPSEY

The following battle is scheduled for one fall and is for the vacant Union Battleground War Horse Championship! Introducing first, standing 6’ even and weighing in at 205 pounds, from Shaniko, Oregon, he is the fighter that burns hot and can barely be contained, he is THE Willie Pete!

[The unmistakable sound of hastily generated 1980’s montage music can be heard as “You’re the Best Around” by Joe Esposito hits. Follow that with some sweet eighties laser beams shooting around the audience, you’ve got yourself a guy in his forties who just can’t seem to let go of his childhood.]

TRY TO BE BEST

‘CAUSE YOU'RE ONLY A MAN

AND A MAN'S GOTTA LEARN TO TAKE IT

TRY TO BELIEVE

THOUGH THE GOING GETS ROUGH

THAT YOU GOTTA HANG TOUGH TO MAKE IT

[Pete doesn’t really care what anyone thinks as he steps through the entrance out onto the stage. He stands before the crowd, trying to remember whether or not he turned the oven off, before he makes his way down the ring ramp.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

This guy was in 4CW, right? He was one of your interviewers?

 

PERRY WALLACE

You mean Hartman? I sure hope he survives with 4CW no longer operating. And Pete, he was there right before things closed up…due to the ‘rona. I pride myself in being one of the first people to take responsibility early on before things got as bad as they are now.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Nobody cares, Wallace. It was a joke you fucking dunce. Willie looks homeless. Hartman was homeless. Jesus, I don’t have the time or crayons to break every statement I make down for you. 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Can I get suspended from air for calling you a faggot?

TRY YOUR BEST TO WIN THEM ALL

AND ONE DAY TIME WILL TELL

WHEN YOU'RE THE ONE THAT'S STANDING THERE

YOU'LL REACH THE FINAL BELL!

YOU'RE THE BEST!

AROUND!

[Once Willie gets to the ring, he climbs the ring steps and casually enters the ring. Casually, like he’s going into the kitchen to make a sandwich, or going into the bathroom to take a shit, casual. He’s so calm, it’s ridiculous. Once it’s clear that he’s one hundred percent prepared and has made peace with the fact that he may soon kill someone, he crosses himself.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

He looks awfully casual for someone on the verge of competing for a championship. I haven’t been following Union for all that long, but from what I understand the War Horse championship being contested this evening is one that can be cashed in for a shot at the Trench Warfare championship. Of course, we’ll see that title defended in the main event this evening as Kaelan Laughlin, previous owner of the War Horse championship, cashed the championship in after a DQ loss to Willie Pete’s opponent this evening, Wendy Wynne.

 

PERRY WALLACE

I honestly have no idea what the fuck you just said. So what, the championship is basically a number one contenders shot? Help me out here.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

The War Horse champion defends the championship at every show, I believe, but then can choose to cash it in for a shot at the next tier of championship. Kaven Drell defended it successfully five times before cashing it in for a shot at then Trench War champion, Kimitsu Zombie. Kaelan Laughlin held it most recently and defended it successfully once against Flash Kassidy and managed to retain against Wendy Wynne at Coup De Grace, but only because of the champions advantage, losing against Wendy by disqualification. That’s why Wendy is getting another opportunity at it tonight. Make sense yet?

 

PERRY WALLACE

So couldn’t the person who wins that belt just challenge for the next one without having to go through the hassle of defending?

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I guess so, but most people who win a championship want to defend it rather than just give it up. There’s a little risk involved you know? Cash it in and lose and you go home with nothing. 

 

PERRY WALLACE

I’m not a child Eli, I understand what you’re saying. Don’t speak to me like I’m Feets. Why waste time defending it when you can step up and go bigger. Maybe that’s just me.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Because there’s something to be said about taking the championship you’ve got and making it the top championship in the company. Like I did for over a year in your company, Perry. And I’ve got 2,001 inches of dick that can get sucked right now if anyone wants to say anything.

MIKE DEMPSEY

And his opponent, standing 5’2” and weighing in at 125 pounds, from Salem, Massachusetts. She is “The Wicked Witch” Wendy Wynne! 

 

[“Under Black Flags We March” by Archenemy hits across the arena. The crowd boos wildly as a hooded figure emerges from the curtain. Suddenly the lights dim out completely before a deep evil female laugh can be heard throughout! The lights flash back to life within a thick red hue to reveal the figure throwing the hood off. The Wicked Witch has arrived! The crowd comes unglued.]

YOUR HATE IS OUR TRIGGER

REVOLUTION NOW

THE MORE WE HAVE TO SUFFER

THE MORE WE WILL FIGHT

WITH OUR FISTS

UP IN THE AIR

[Wendy makes her way down the ramp. Fans reach out for high fives that she dismisses completely. Wynne slides into the ring to end up back on her feet in the center of the ring. She throws the robe off to roaring boos.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Speaking of Wendy Wynne, I feel like if she’s going to call herself the wicked witch she needs to paint herself green before every match.

 

PERRY WALLACE

What kind of kink you cooking up over there? Does my little princess paint herself green for you?

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Pocahontas is Genie’s thing and I’d gladly pillage her village every single night. You’re welcome for the third grandchild, by the way.

 

PERRY WALLACE

I’m looking forward to meeting...him. Please don’t speak about her like that to me ever again. Cool?

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

What you gonna do if I do, bubble boy?

 

[Wynne doesn’t even look at Willie to further this psychological warfare between the two. Pete stands in the corner ready to fight. Wendy watches on as the referee holds up the WarHorse Championship high. The fans cheer, leading Wynne to roll her eyes.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Wendy’s gotta be feeling motivated after being screwed out of a clean victory at Coup De Grace by the reigning Trench Warfare champion, Kaven Drell.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Sometimes all it takes is a little extra motivation to pull off the unthinkable.

 

[DING!] 

 

[Wynne comes flying in at Willie Pete looking for a clothesline, but he shuffles his feet to end up in position for a drop toe hold! The Wicked Witch eats the mat, face first!]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Holy shit the homeless guy can actually wrestle?

 

PERRY WALLACE

WOW, a drop-toe hold! 

 

[Willie hits the ropes quickly on the opposite side of the ring. Wendy pushes herself up to one knee in order to swing around. When she does, Pete catches her with a step enziguri! Wendy hits the mat flat on her back. Willie rolls her up backwards into a pin!]

 

...One! 

 

...Two! 

 

KICK OUT! 

 

[A whistle can be heard after the kick out! Wendy backs up into the corner while blowing into a bright red whistle. She points at Willie and claims that pin was sexual in nature! Willie rushes into the corner at her with a big knee to the face before he can be me too ed out of this arena!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Apparently Wendy thought there was something a little intimate going on there and didn’t like it very much. It’s amazing to me that you didn’t get sued out of your mind for something similar. You and Joe Biden do have a lot in common, after all.

 

PERRY WALLACE

What the hell did I do?! Who would ever want to sue me?

 

[The Willie Pete looks down at his foe. This woman has terrorized him for months on twitter. He bends down to pick up the rape whistle only to be rolled up into a pin by The Wicked Witch!] 

 

...One! 

 

...Two! 

 

...Kick Out! 

 

[Pete kicks out at two and a half! Willie raises up with wide eyes. He took his eye off the ball for three seconds and it nearly cost him this match. Willie slowly stands back up. Wendy grins up at him. The right eye of Wynne begins to blacken from the knee to the face, but she could care less.] 

 

[Willie walks over to Wynne, who remains in a seated position on the mat. She lunges forward at him with a vicious uppercut! The low blow hits its mark causing Pete to hit both knees directly in front of Wendy! She reaches out and takes hold of his head in both hands before delivering a skull rattling headbutt! Then another! The third headbutt causes a gash across the forehead of Willie Pete. The blood trickles down his face leading Wendy to lean forward and lick it!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Oh fuck no. FUCK NO!

 

PERRY WALLACE

Behavior like that is how stupid pandemics start in the first goddamn place. I for one am disgusted!

 

[Wynne then pushes him back on the mat to hook a leg!] 

 

...One! 

 

...Kick Out! 

 

[Pete kicks out then quickly rolls out of the ring. The blood has gotten in both eyes which leaves him essentially blind. The Wicked Witch wastes little time in giving chase. She rolls out of the ring to find Willie staggering around. Pete wipes both eyes attempting to regain his vision while Wynne looks below the ring skirt just behind him. Wendy locates a broomstick. It’s almost like she knew just where to look. Wynne rises to both feet after gripping the weapon in both hands preparing to smack Pete in the back of the head with it. Willie swings around to kick The Wicked Witch in the gut before delivering a DDT on the outside floor! Wendy drops her broomstick while Willie Pete counters this, essentially still blind.] 

 

[Pete finally manages to get the blood out of his eyes. He ends up on his hands and knees out from Wendy. Willie finds the broomstick and realizes the witch’s plan. Pete picks it up then slowly rises to both feet. Wynne attempts in vain to get up but ends up on her hands and knees instead. The Willie Pete comes up from behind her still gripping her weapon for a wild swing across her back! Wendy wails out in pain as the broomstick snaps across her spine to leave splinters flying out in every direction!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Is it me or is the art of pro wrestling lost on pretty much everyone today? You don’t need to bleed. You don’t need to add rewards points to your Lowes card for weapons to use. Just wrestle. WRESTLE.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Everybody wants to be a serial killer nowadays.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I blame Dakota.

 

[Pete grins at the carnage. Willie bends down to take hold of Wynne by the hair of her head. He yanks at the red locks to pull her back toward the ring. Pete rolls her into the ring then slides in right behind her.] 

 

[Wendy ends up on her back looking up at the bright lights. Pete scoops up her left leg to push both shoulders flush against the mat for a pin!] 

 

...One! 

 

...Two! 

 

...Kick Out! 

 

[Willie Pete can’t believe it! He looks up at the ref, who assures it was a count of two. Wendy staggers up to bounce into the ropes. Willie turns towards her to catch a lou thesz press! Wynne rides Pete to the mat before sticking both thumbs in each of his eyes! The sharp long red nails dig into both eye sockets leading the crowd to gasp. Willie begins to flail around on the mat attempting in vain to escape this witch’s grasp!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Seriously, Perry. What is this. Why is she allowed to gouge him in the eyes? That’s illegal. Why is the referee not disqualifying her?

 

PERRY WALLACE

They don’t work for me. How the hell would I know? Larry Collins would never let that ride in his ring.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

You’ve apparently missed how blind your referee’s were. It’s more contagious than COVID-19 I guess.

 

[Pete begins to swing up at Wynne, who continues to rob this man of his eyesight! The camera pans close to see the unadulterated violence continue. Willie swings with a ring and catches The Wicked Witch in the nose! The sudden shot to the face causes both of her eyes to water. Pete gets to his feet and again attempts to regain his sight also. Wendy realizes quickly that Willie just broke her nose. The referee checks on both wrestlers and both push her away.] 

 

[Wynne wipes her eyes to finally find her opponent doing the same in the far corner. Wendy takes off at him full speed ahead! She’s looking for a high knee, but he lunges forward with a bicycle kick that catches The Wicked Witch in the face! Blood dribbles down her face while the gash on Pete’s forehead has yet to stop bleeding.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

We’re going to need a brand new canvas after this match is over. There’s blood fucking everywhere man.  

 

PERRY WALLACE

I wouldn’t be surprised if Riddle tried to take it home with him after tonight is all said and done.

 

[Pete hits the mat alongside Wendy, who rolls out of the ring! Willie simply reaches up with both hands to cover his true frustration. Wynne grins on the outside of the ring as she reaches up with both hands to her nose. The wild eyed witch then sets her nose herself in one swift motion! The crowd gasps as the camera pans close to show this in grand detail. Pete watches on in complete disbelief.] 

 

[Pete rolls out of the ring on the opposite side. Wendy’s wild grin fades. She wipes the blood from her face with the ring skirt before taking off around the side of the ring. Willie comes around on the opposite side attempting to meet her in the middle. Wynne gets to the announce table and leaps up on it. Wendy reaches down and begins taking the commentators stuff and throwing at Pete! The Wicked Witch throws the stapler to nail Willie in the forehead! This re-aggravates the gash and the blood flows once more.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Alright, I give up. The gash on Willie’s forehead is bigger than Carmella Wilder’s and I didn’t think I’d ever say those words.

 

PERRY WALLACE

I don’t know, man. Willie’s pretty rough right now. I don’t remember it looking like that.

 

[Pete continues forward to sweep Wendy’s feet! She falls down onto the table, but it does not give way. Willie climbs up on the table while the Union Battleground announce team watches on from either side of the table. Willie hoists up Wynne causing the producer in the back to send the live feed into slow motion… Pete gets Wendy in a double underhook piledriver through the table! The crowd pops as he drives The Wicked Witch through the table face first in slow mo!] 

 

[Willie Pete gets to his feet. Wendy Wynne remains in the splinters and broken wood from the table. Pete hoists her up onto his right shoulder. He carries her toward the ring with her back to the apron. Suddenly, he takes off toward the ring post to drive her into it, back first! Wynne bounces off the post to end up on the ring steps. The corner of the top step cuts her across her left hip during the brutal fall! Pete wants to punish Wynne further.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

You ever get slammed into steps like that, Perry? I can tell you that shit doesn’t feel good. Of course the ones here in Union are apparently sharpened so that the corners become deadly weapons. But, you know, why not? Why the fuck not?!

 

PERRY WALLACE

Sooooo edgy. They’re steps. They aren’t made to be used as weapons. Just like ladders aren’t made to be conveniently placed underneath wrestling rings but that’s a story for another time.

 

[Willie stomps down onto Wendy! The stiff stomps and unforgiving steel steps cause these licks to be twice as painful. Pete bends down to get ahold of Wynne, who catches him with a wicked elbow! Willie attempts to come in again only to eat another elbow! Wynne knocks Pete down which allows her to get some breathing room. Willie shakes his head to escape the daze while Wendy stands up and staggers over to the security barrier to prop herself up for a moment. A fan comes in with a bottle of beer they apparently snook in. No glass bottles allowed but here’s one. Wendy snatches it away from the fan who loves it!] 

 

[Pete rises to one knee and notices Wendy coming at him! She smashes him over the head with the beer bottle! The glass explodes across his skull. Willie does not go down! Wynne still holds the neck of the broken beer bottle and she uses the sharp end to cut Pete across his chest! The crowd comes unglued. Wendy laughs at the blatant display of violence before taunting the crowd to further rile!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

SHE’S GOING TO KILL THAT MAN, PERRY!

 

PERRY WALLACE

Having stepped away for a little bit I’ve caught myself looking back and wondering how nobody gets arrested for ninety-five percent of the shit we do in the wrestling business.

 

[Pete crawls toward the ring but touches his chest to see the cut isn’t too deep, but still. This championship match has a street fight feel to it that Willie did not see coming. Wynne watches as Willie pulls himself up by the ring apron to roll back into the ring. She gives chase while still holding the sharp bottleneck. Willie Pete manages to get up inside the ring. Wendy glides in behind him to charge back at him looking to slice him once more! Pete swings around to kick her in the gut! Wynne bends over which allows Willie to cradle her up for a Golden Star Powerbomb! He holds through it for a pin as the crowd pops!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Haha… no way.

 

PERRY WALLACE

WOW A POWERBOMB!!!

 

...One! 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

You gotta be kidding me.

 

PERRY WALLACE

I had to say it.

 

...Two! 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Is that Aidan Carlisle dressed up like Willie Pete?

 

PERRY WALLACE

Hope she dies.

 

...Three! 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

… you’re telling me that Wendy damn near murdered that man and she got beat by a fucking powerbomb out of nowhere?! I need a drink.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Calm down, Vassa. No need to be drinking at the booth. It was a powerbomb, man. Like you know… WOW A POWERBOMB!!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

You know, sometimes when I’m watching these matches it almost feels like the wrestling gods just get tired of this shit and say okay it’s gotta end I need to go to bed. Or something along those lines. 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Oh boy let me tell you.

 

[DING DING DING!]

 

MIKE DEMPSEY

Here is your winner, AND NEW Union Battleground War Horse Champion, THE Willie Pete!

 

[Willie stands up covered in his and Wynne’s blood. A real war that he’s won. The referee holds Pete’s hand up high with the championship! The crowd pops!] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Here is your winner and the horse cock champion… AIDAN CARLISLE!!!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

….. What the fuck are you talking about? Jesus Christ, take us somewhere else please.

 

PERRY WALLACE

You said she was dressed up like Willie!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

We’ll be back in a minute, folks. Go bleach your eyes and forget this shit ever happened.

MIKE DEMPSEY

The following battle is a War Games Match! Introducing first, representing Team Dakota, he is Jacob Kuntz!

 

[The lights began to flicker in strobe-like fashion inside of the SSE Arena, as the cage that hung over the ring throughout the night was finally beginning to lower. As it slammed down into the ring, locking into place “ Faggot” By Mindless Self Indulgence started to blare throughout the arena.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Real talk, how many of team Dakota do you think have tag teamed Tara. I mean, this guy looks like he was bred in the mountains of West Virginia by Dakotas mother and a bear. But Tara did sleep with JPD and his one functioning kidney. So, would it really be all that shocking to find out she’s playing conductor to the Team Dakota train?

 

PERRY WALLACE

I’m not touching that one.

I'VE BEEN DENIED ALL THE BEST ULTRA SEX

I'VE BEEN DENIED ALL THE BEST ULTRA SEX

[Through the distorted, bass heavy techno beat Jacob Kuntz makes his way out to the back with a military bag strung over his shoulder. Peaking through the top of the bag are a good number of light tubes, light tubes that Jacob pets as if they were a pet before continuing his way down the ramp. Through his deranged and perverted snickering, Jacob’s eyes frenzied throughout the arena - his smile only growing larger as he nears the cage. Stepping up the steel stairs, and dipping through the middle rope, Jacob enters the ring and instantly takes to his corner, dropping his bag of goodies near at the base of the turnbuckle before leaning up against it and fondling himself while he waits.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

What do we call this version of Dakota Smith? Is this Dakota before his prison fetish? No no I got it. This is Dakota after he got ditched at his high school prom. Also, I refuse to call Dick Devereaux’s team Team Dick, so we’re just going to call them Dick Devereaux’s team. Whoever they send out first, boy I hope they’re prepared to deal with that teenage heartbreak angst. That shit makes you do crazy things. Not me, I never had to deal with that but I saw others who went through it and it was scary.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Just refer to Devereaux as the Butcher knockoff like I have for years.

DEATH IS ON THE MIDWAY GAMBLING WITH SOULS

ROULETTE ON THE WIRE, ACE IS IN THE HOLE

I SINK BENEATH THE FEELING, MOON IS IN MY HANDS

A CROOKED WHEEL OF 21, I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND NO

["Grease Paint and Monkey Brains" by White Zombie starts to play as the lights dim down. After the intro we see Squiggly come out from the back sporting a pig mask with clown makeup smeared over it. He wears his signature tie made of firecrackers, and is pushing a shopping car filled to the brim with things that just ooze violence. Squiggly pushes the shopping cart down to the ramp, curving it as he reaches the cage. Using sheer strength, the deranged clown lifts the shopping cart filled with weapons up and launches it into the ring, through the door. Squiggly then stomps up the steps and into the ring, circling it a few times before marching right up to Jacob and ripping off his pig mask - and sporting an absolute delirious grin as he stared Jacob down.]

 

MIKE DEMPSEY

Coming to the ring at this time, representing Team Devereaux, he is Squiggly!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

So, you know when they offered me this job they told me I needed to make sure and sell the wrestlers. Talk them up and explain why they’ve got a chance. But this guy calls himself Squiggly. I’ve got nothing, Perry. Take this shit away I’m going to Facetime with Hadley for a few minutes.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Oh great, another clown for Mya Denton to bang outside after the show. Was this dude one of the thirty in that video a couple years back that was considered art by people defending a pedo? Leave the clowns at the circus and not in the goddamn ring.

 

[Jacob, on the other hand, just smirked as he quickly pulled a lighter out from his pocket and grabbed ahold of Squiggly’s tie! Kuntzy lights the firecracker tie, and shoves it in the face of the clown, tripping him down to the ground as the firecrackers pop off in his face. The referee calls for the bell, and this match begins!]

 

[DING!]

 

[The last firecracker having exploded in Squig’s face, Kuntzy presses his attack, grabbing Squiggly by the ears and shoving his knee down into his nose. After grinding his knee into Squiggly’s face for a few moments, Jacob lets go and stands back up - pushing his hair back and scanning the ring. He sets his sights on a steel chair that was brought in via the shopping cart, Kuntz grabs the chair and sets it up on top of Squiggly, specifically over his chest and neck. Kuntzy then grins as he steps up on the chair, placing one foot on the seat, and the other on the back fo the chair - keeping his balance for a few moments as he mimics surfing. Jacob then kicks the chair back as he leaps up, landing with his full weight on the chair as it drives into Squiggly, the jagged edges driving into his neck and chest.]

 

[Rolling off of Squig, Kuntz holds onto his ribs having taken the fall badly, but thus was his style. Squiggly pushes the chair off of him and clutches at his neck as he tries to get up to his feet. The clown gets up to one knee before Jacob rushes forward, Squiggly catches him however, popping him up and clocking him right in the jaw with THE PUNCHLINE! Kuntz is wobbly on his feet, giving Squiggly all the time in the world to regain his senses and press the attack. Squig hits Kuntz with a spinning back chop directly to the throat, giving some payback from earlier. Squiq then pushes Kuntz up against the cage, grabbing him by the hair and raking his face across it - really grinding his flesh against the chain link. Squig pulls Jacob’s head back, looking him in the eyes before poking him in those same eyes and smashing his head against the cage.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Hi Hadley! Hey sweetheart. Daddy misses you. He would really rather be anywhere else in the world right now than having to watch this horse shi-... I mean, this really nasty stuff. But most of all he’d much rather be at home with you. So, how about this. I’ll read you a story. I brought your favorite book with me. Swimmy.

 

PERRY WALLACE

I have a better idea. How about grandpa reads her The Very Hungry Caterpillar. That’s way better anyway.

 

[Kuntz goes blasting backwards due to the impact, as Squig grabs two light tubes out of the military bag. As Jacob gets to his knees, Squiggly smashes the light tubes over his head one after another. He then takes one of the jagged, broken pieces of tube  and begins to drive the glass into Kuntzy’s head, carving a smiley face! As Blood gushes from Jacob’s forehead, The Heroin Hero screams out for more, grabbing squiggly by the dick and starting to pull. Squiggly stops carving and withers in uncomfortable pain before stabbing down, shattering the rest of the tube into Jacob’s forehead. Kuntzy, rolls backwards, fumbling around on the ground holding his face as Squiggly takes a few seconds to acknowledge the crowd, bursting out with an intense chuckle fit. He stomps over to Jacob and gives him a few good stomps to the midsection before grabbing him from behind the head and lifting him up to his feet. Squiggly throws Jacob’s head underneath his arm and lifts him up into the air, twisting and suplexing Jacob into the ropes and cage, Kuntzy impacting off like a bag of wet rice - thudding down onto the canvas.]

YOU ALONE ARE YOUR DISPOSAL

A LIFETIME OF STAINS WASTING AWAY SLOWLY DOWN THE DRAIN

NO MERCY, NO REPRISAL

NO SECOND CHANCE

ELIJAH CARLSON

HEY ASSHOLES KEEP IT DOWN I’M TRYING TO READ MY DAUGHTER A STORY! Fucking Dakota. He should know better.

 

PERRY WALLACE

I wish you’d stop pay attention to the match. I can’t carry us both.

 

[With “ Your Disposal” by Cattle Decapitation blaring, Squiggly looks to the ramp, as Dakota Smith stalks his way down to the ring. He wears a violent grin and a ravenous glare as he stares of Squiggly, who is getting ready for him. But instead of using the door, Dakota starts to climb up the outside of the cage - eyes locked with the demented clown the entire climb. The butcher puts one leg over the top of the cage and lets it dangle, looking down at the clown who was ready to throw down. Squiggly was dancing, laughing, clapping he wanted to play with Dakota, that much was certain. But in all of this, he failed to realize that the bloody tampon of wrestling known as Jacb Kuntz had gotten back up to his feet and was sneaking up behind him. Kuntzy cocks his foot back and lets it rip, sending his foot directly in between Squig’s legs - lifting him up into the air. Before the clown can even react, Kuntz has fish hooked him! Kuntzy pulls Squig’s head back, and spits in his mouth before bionic elbowing his face down into the mat.]

 

[The Butcher, who still sits atop of the cage watches down with fanatical amusement, not looking to come down from his perch any time soon. With Squig down holding his testicular region, Jacob walks over to the bag he brought in before and dumps it out into the ring - a multitude of light tubes, thumbtacks, and broken glass emerge from the bag onto the canvas, as well as some other objects of violence. Jacob kicks the thumbtacks and broken glass around, spreading it throughout the ring and making sure his blood drips down onto it. By the time he turned his attention back to the clown, Squiggly had already gotten back up to one knee. Jacob stumbled over to him and grabbed him by the face, pressing his thumbs into his eyes. Squiggly chuckles out in pain as Jacob drags him over to the shopping car, he then shoves the clown's head in between his legs and lifts him up, Alley-ooping him up and over his head with the JEEPERS CREEPERS! Squiggly bounces off the showing cart chest first, landing onto a pile of broken glass and tacks!]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Okay Hadley, tell mommy to turn off the television so you can listen. Are you ready? A happy school of little fish lived in a corner of the sea somewhere. They were all red. Only one of them was black as a mussel shell. He swam faster than his brothers and sisters. His name was swimmy.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Just so we’re clear folks, Grandpa would have read Nemo instead of this. Since Eli is occupied ruining my granddaughter's taste in literature I have to run the show. Is it just me or is every person that dresses up like a clown a fucking nut job and needs to be put down out back? 

 

[Jacob wipes blood away from his eyes, as he looks up at Dakota - who still sits atop the cage like a gargoyle, a sickening grin on his face as he watches the violence down below. Kuntzy had a smile as wide the grand canyon, as he threw his arms out and taunted the Union audience, flicking blood in their direction before focusing back on Squiggly who has just started showing signs of life. Jacob stumbles over to the clown and grabs him by one ear, slowly lifting him back up to wobbly feet, before pushing him back onto the ropes and lighting him the fuck up with knife-edge chops! One after another directly to the chest, just using his hand slapjack with these chops! Finally after a good eight seconds, Kuntzy subsides with his onslaught and takes a few steps back. He reaches into the pockets of his blood soaked cargo shorts and pulls out a raggedy pack of cigarettes. He takes one out and puts it in between his lips before lighting it up.  Jacob takes a drag, and pulls the cigarette from his lips and that is when Squiggly pounces forward! He uses the ropes for an added push and sends his head directly into Kuntzy’s with a headbutt!]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

One day a tuna fish, swift, fierce, and very hungry, came darting through the waves. In one gulp he swallowed all the little red fish… haha your mom would know something about that. But only swimmy escaped. Perry, for God’s sake, do your job and call the match.

 

PERRY WALLACE

On Saturday he ate through one piece of chocolate cake, one ice cream cone, one pickle, one slice of Swiss cheese, one slice of salami, one lollipop, one piece of cherry pie, one sausage, one cupcake and one slice of watermelon.

 

[Squiggly then begins to bite down on the forehead of Jacob, pushing him down onto the mat - making sure he gets a few good chunks out of him. The demented clown then grabs the cigarette from the mat, and holds Jacob’s nostril open, shoving the lit cigarette inside! Jacob squirms and spasms on the mat as he scratches frantically out his face, trying to claw the cigarette out of his nose. Squiggly lets out a chuckle before falling backwards on his ass, taking a much needed breather. Dakota yelled down at him from atop the cage, calling him a pussy and just generally demeaning Squiggly in any way that he could.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

He swam away in the deep wet world. He was scared, lonely and very sad. Ugh, babygirl hang on one second. Daddy will keep going we just have to wait for these doucheba… these very rude gentlemen again.

 

PERRY WALLACE

You better watch your mouth when you’re speaking around her!

BORN TO BLEED FIGHTING TO SUCCEED

BUILT TO ENDURE WHAT THIS WORLD THROWS AT ME

BORN TO BLEED FIGHTING TO SUCCEED

BUILT TO ENDURE WHAT THIS WORLD THROWS AT ME

[The harsh unforgiving tones of "In Ashes They Shall Reap” By Hatebreed cut through the violence as The Hardcore Legend himself, Kuk Killswitch comes barreling through the curtain, running down the ramp and directly onto that cage! Dakota braces himself, pulling a metal spike from his pants and motioning Kuk to come up! Squiggly starts to get up to his feet just as Kuk reaches the top of the leg, Kuk starts to grab at Dakota’s leg, but The Butcher fends him off with the spike. Squiggly pushes himself forward, using everything he has to climb up the ropes and onto the cage, as Dakota turns to fight him off - Squiggly spews pink mist from his mouth and directly into Dakota’s face! Squiggly falls backwards, as Kuk uses this to gain the upperhand and mount the cage with Dakota,Kuk hits a swift headbutt straight to Dakota’s temple, before pushing up from the cage to a standing position. Kuk then pulls Dakota up to his feet, pushing his head underneath his arm and lifting him into the air and leaping from the cage onto the weapon scattered ring with a suplex!]

 

HOLY FOOK! HOLY FOOK! HOLY FOOK!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

LANGUAGE YOU INBRED IRISH FU… POTATO FARMERS! IM READING TO MY DAUGHTER! Oh, sorry for yelling baby. Don’t get upset. Here, I’ll keep reading. But the sea was full of wonderful creatures, and as he swam from marvel to marvel, Swimmy was happy again.

 

PERRY WALLACE

JESUS FU--UDGING CHRIST DAKOTA JUST GOT CUCKED.

 

[Dakota’s body bounces off of the mat and into the ropes in a bad way, when his body finally plants into the mat he instantly takes a fetal position. Kuk moans and groans on the ground, pushing himself back up to his feet as Squiggly does the same. Jacob Kuntz on the other hand had already risen, leaning back up against the ropes gushing blood with his hand down his pants. The battered clown looks over to Kuk - the two Dick Devereaux team mates smiling at one another before looking back at Kuntzy - who just tries to get his nut before being mauled. Whether or not he got that nut will forever be unknown, but what isn’t unknown is that Kuk and Squig jumped Kuntzy like he owed them money! Slamming him up against the cage until he crumbled to the ground and stomping the ever loving shit out of him until his blood splattered their boots.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

… that’s pretty gross. And is this dude really named Kuk? Come on now, that’s too easy. OH RIGHT! Story. So Swimmy saw a medusa made of rainbow jelly. A lobster who walked about like a water-moving machine. Strange fish pulled by an invisible thread. A forest of seaweed growing from sugar candy rocks. An eel whose tail was almost too far away to remember. And sea anemones who looked like pink palm trees swaying in the wind.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Yes, his name is cuck, but he’s edgy like Karnage Wrestling and spells it with a K. I don’t think these deathmatch wrestlers are too bright if I’m being honest with you.

 

[Kuk gets down on his knees next to Jacob’s body and repeatedly starts to strike him in the back of his head, driving his face into thumbtacks and shattered glass. Squiggly searched around for a weapon, and one wasn't hard to find as he latched onto a Japanese Kenzan, a small spiked disc. Squiggly holds it up in the air for all to see before limping over to Jacob and pushing it down in his stomach. Taking a few seconds to step back, Squiggly then jumps up in the air double foot stomping the Kenzan into Jacob’s stomach! Kuk watches with fire in his eyes as he picks up the shopping cart, putting it back up on all fours - it was a little bit bent but could still do the job for what Kuk had in mind. Squiggly and Kuk confer with one another for a few moments before they both lift Jacob up, Double Suplexing him into the shopping cart. The Audience then begins to roar as the two men pick the shopping cart up, take a few steps back and then go running forward, launching the cart with Jacob in it, into the steel cage wall!]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Then, hidden in the dark shade of the rocks and weeds, he saw a school of fish just like his own. ‘Lets go swim and play and SEE things’ he said happily. ‘We can’t’ said the little red fish ‘The big fish will eat us all.’ ‘But you can’t just lie there’ said Swimmy. ‘We must think of something!’

 

PERRY WALLACE

Hey Eli, you listening? I just remembered how happy I am that I don’t have to worry about coordinating a similar match like this but on a larger scale in a few months. Some owners may not care about the health of their fanbase but I for one will do whatever I can to help prevent the spread of coronavirus.

 

[The sound of metal hitting metal, and human flesh flopping down to the mat is all that is heard from the car rash of a spot the world had just witnessed, Squiggly and Kuk look to themself with great confidence, both smiling and taking pride in the destruction they had just caused. It’s at that point they turn their attention to Dakota Smith, who hasn't moved since being suplex off the cage, as they circle around his motionless corpse a rumbling quakes throughout the arena.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Then suddenly he said ‘I have it! We are all going to swim together like the biggest fish in the se-’ ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

 

PERRY WALLACE

What’s going on here?! They have Dakota right where they want him.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

You see, Perry, this is a War Games match and they can’t let it end before all of the wrestlers get to the ring.

I AM BE DANGEROUS NOW

NOT ME HURT WHEN STAIRS FELL DOWN

ME PUSHED BY YOU

ME HIT HEAD

ME NOSE BROKE

SOON YOU BE DEAD

[With the raging sound of “Facefisted” by Dethklok blaring over the speaker system, RotGut made his way out from the back. His eyes wild, and foaming from the lips he charges down to the ring - sprinting like a god damn fucking bear up the steps and just bulldozing throught Squiggly and Kuk with double clothesline! Even though RotGut was in the ring, the entrance music didn’t stop. And it certainly didn’t stop as RotGut picked up the limp body of Jacob Kuntz and started using him as a weapon. Squiggly was the first one of Team Dick to get up to his feet, and for his victory he got to eat Kuntzy’s ball sack to the face as RotGut ran through him. Kuk was up next, and RotGut just threw Kuntzy at him! Kuk tumbles to the ground with Kuntzy on top of him, but the onslaught of the beast known as RotGut doesn’t stop there! He lifts Kuk and Kuntzy both up in a very awkward looking position and slams them into the turnbuckle!]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Ugh… why does that guy smell like he’s been rolling in pig shit for the last month? Actually. Nevermind. Don’t answer that. I have a story to finish. So, Hadley, Swimmy taught them to swim close together, each in his own place, and when they had learned to swim like one giant fish, he said ‘I’ll be the eye!’

 

PERRY WALLACE

So, one guy’s name is Kuk and the others is RotGut. Like, is that on their birth certificate or something because nobody can be that dumb to pick a ringname for themselves like that.

 

[RotGut tosses Kuntzy aside like a used condom and just starts laying into Kuk, strike after strike, headbutt after headbutt all while being violently shoved back into the corner anytime he would try to escape. RotGut wrapped his meaty hands around Kuk’s throat and started to choke the life out of him, all while screaming in his face. Squiggly gets back up to his feet and grabs a bundle of light tubes, smashing them over to RotGuts back but the monster doesn’t stop - he barely even notices the attack. As the light begins to drain from Kuk’s eyes, Squiggly goes over to the downed Kuntz and pulls the kenzan out of his stomach. Squiggly then using all of his force and might, stabs the kenzan into RotGut’s back and pulls down! Tearing the failed genetic experiments back wide open! Blood begins to pour down the gash in Rot’s back as he lets out a bloodcurdling roar, letting go of Kuk and turning his sights on the fucking clown!]

 

PERRY WALLACE

This isn’t wrestling at all! This is just a slasher film with bad actors and Dakota.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

And so they swam in the cool morning water and in the midday sun, and chased the big fish away. The end. YAY!

 

[Squiggly chuckles, knowing he’s in danger - but like the lunatic he is he faces danger head on, unleashing a furt of blows and chops onto RotGut, who just eats them all. With an insane amount of force, RotGut shoves the two hundred and forty-five man clear across the ring - just as Squig regains his balance, Rot is on top of him. Smothering him up against the ropes and cage. Rot then grabs the clown by the ears and throws him into the corner, before he picks up the chair from earlier and just launches it straight at Squiggly’s head, the loud metallic smacking sound sending shivers down all who is watching’s spine. Squiggly would have crumbled to the ground, if RotGut wasn't on top of him with blinding speed - just clubbing him with forearm after forearm directly to each side of the clown’s temple.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Alright sweetheart. Daddy’s gotta go work again now. Papa Perry would talk but he’s stuck behind plexiglass like a pissbaby named Vossler. But we’ll talk about that another day. Love you. See you soon!

 

PERRY WALLACE

Don’t be angry at me when she loves her grandpa more one day.

 

[RotGut lets up finally, breathing through his nostrils like a bull as he backs his way up to the opposite corner that squiggly was in. Then like a tank on full throttle RotGut Barreled forward, Squiggly ducking just a split second before certain decapitation. Well, it’s not so much as he ducked, as he just fell forward onto his knees - either way this just pissed Rotgut the fuck off. He grabbed the bloody and beaten clown by the ears, dragged him to the center of the ring and just started kneeing the ever loving shit out of his face with VAGINAL DISCHARGE!]

YOU FUCKING BLEED NOW

[And just like that the carnage induced guitar riffs of “ Everybody Bleeds Now” tears through the arena, in the same way that “The Butcher” Dick Deveraux tore down the ramp with his trusty baseball bat in hand. RotGut didn’t even notice as Dick entered the ring, still kneeing’ Squiggly to death. Dick gets a vicious grin across his lips upon realizing this, he then walks up to RotGut and sets himself up perfectly. The Butcher known as Dick cocks his baseball bat back and swings away cracking RotGut in the back of the head with enough force to drop the behemoth down to the ground with a mighty thud! Dick knows better than to stop there, repeatedly smashing the bat down onto the back of RotGut’s neck and head.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Fucking hell, what kind of train wreck is this? No wonder Dante wanted to get the fuck away from ringside for good.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s the Butcher ripoff and he’s come here to tonight to prove to the entire world that he doesn’t wish he was Dakota fucking Smith.

 

[With all wrestlers now in the ring, the cage door is now locked and a pinfall can now be achieved.]

 

[Dick helps Kuk back up to his feet, and the two continue to lay waste to RotGut, stomping and cracking him with the baseball bat. Somehow, someway Kuntzy gets back up to his feet and charges at Dick, but loses energy and collapses mid-run. Dick catches Kuntzy’s chin with the bat and keeps him up on his knees, giving him a few words and violent grin before Kuk bounced off the ropes and cleared Kuntzy’s head off with a big boot to the side of his dome. The SSE arena are on their feet cheering and roaring for more as Dick and Kuk stomp around the ring like they own the place - really playing up the crowd. After a few moments of this, Devereaux finally catches his eye on Dakota Smith - who has been in the fetal position at the corner of the ring since getting suplexed off the cage. Dakota has been motionless for some time now, but Dick aims to change all of that as he stalks up to the downed man, twirling his bat in his hands as he inches closer.]

 

[Dick reaches down and grabs Dakota by the back of his head… And then in a split-second, Dakota launches himself forward, metal spike in hand and begins to violently jab it into the face of Dick!]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

HE WAS PLAYING POSSUM!

 

PERRY WALLACE

Dick’s getting just what he wanted! He’s getting a face full of the real Butcher! Cut his fucking face off, Dakota!

 

[Dick stumbles backwards onto the mat, with Dakota on top of him - like something out of a slasher film, Dakota jabs and jabs the metal spike into dick’s face. Kuk finally realizes what is happening, grabs a hold of Dakota, and tries to pull him off - but Dakota just throws his head back, connecting directly to Kuk’s nose. As the blood flows from Killswitch, Dakota pushes off of Dick and grabs Kuk by the side of the head, giving him jaw cracking european uppercut before lifting him up onto his shoulders and delivering a twisting samoan drop, known as the Dovah Death Drop! Kuk reals in pain from the added torment of the glass and thumbtacks that still scatter the ring, but Dakota looks as if he was just getting started.]

 

PERRY WALLACE

There it is! The Dovah Death Drop!

 

[Dakota gets back up to his feet, and hurls himself around so that he can continue going after Devereaux, but to his surprise Dick is already to his feet and swinging that bat a hundred miles an hour! The baseball bat cracks against Dakota’s shoulder, snapping it in half against his flesh as he let out a pain ridden roar! Dick kicks Dakota in the gut, not giving him a second to breath before lifting him up and powerbombing him onto the shopping cart, which was now just a mangled piece of twisted metal. With a crimson mask covering his face, Dick falls backwards, crawling backwards towards the rope as he takes a breather.]

 

[For the first time in awhile, Kuntzy starts to move - slowly dragging himself up the ropes and climbing up the cage at a very sluggish pace. Devereaux notices this, and pushes himself up to his feet - as he goes to make his way to Kuntzy his path is stopped by the monster known as Rotgut who just comes in from out of nowhere and smothers Dick up against the cage. Rotgut is throwing punches, and Dick is doing his best to reciprocate - the two men just having themselves a good ol’ fashion brawl. Bloody splatters against the cage and the mat as the two men duke it out - RotGut eventually getting the upper hand and charging forward, lifting Dick up and going for a slam - but Kuk had gotten back up to his feet and swung the edge of a steel chair directly into RotGut’s knee, tripping the man and freeing Dick.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Do any of these men even care about winning? Do they care about surviving? Did we get hired to come commentate for a series of murder porn matches? Perry how did you rope me into this?

 

PERRY WALLACE

I don’t even know what the object of this match is other than to mutilate the other person. But things may get tricky with multiple teams of three people and them having to possess the brain capacity to keep up with who’s who.

 

[Dick and Kuk help their fellow team mate Squiggly back up to his feet - even though the clown was more jelly than man at this point. While they do that, Kuntzy makes it to the top of the cage and just spawls out on top of it, blood and other bodily fluids seeping from seemingly all orifices.]

 

[Team Devereux stand tall in the ring, as Dakota Smith and RotGut get back up their feet - Rot with a noticeable limp. The five men stare each other down for what seems like an eternity until Rotgut rushes forward! Taking on Kuk and Squiggly while Dakota squares up against Dick, Butcher V Butcher style. For the first time in this match, something that can be considered professional wrestling happens as Dakota and Dick lock up in the middle, both men trying to vie for power but they are seemingly evenly matched. Dakota tries to slip under Dick’s arm, but Devereaux catches him by the nostril and flings him back, delivering a swift elbow to the jaw before lifting Dakota up in the air and slamming him down onto the blood stained mat with a snapping powerslam! On the other side of the ring RotGut pushes Kuk down to the ground and clobbers Squiggly with a few overhead hammer fists before gorilla pressing the man up into the and spinning around in a circle, slamming him directly onto his face with the Horrorcaust!]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Alright, I’m not gonna lie. That was pretty cool. Why not just do that shit all the time instead of…. Oh fuck it nobody is going to listen to me anyway. Nobody ever does even though I’m always right.

 

PERRY WALLACE

I know exactly how you feel.

 

[Just as the behemoth of a man turns around he gets blasted by a spear from Kuk, which sends the two men through the middle rope, breaking the cage door, and tumbling down onto the padding below in what could best be described as a car accident. This leaves Dick Devereux the only man left standing in the ring, and he realizes this as he starts to climb up to the top rope. Once there he turns around and looks down at Dakota before running his thumb across his neck and spitting down at the man while yelling that he is The Real Butcher of Union Battleground. Dick then flies off the tope rope, arms extended going for a diving headbutt! But at the very last second, Dakota grabs the steel folding chair from before and pops it in front of his face. The loud smack of flesh of metal ringing throughout the audience as both men take the damage, Dakota sacrificing himself to fuck up Dick.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

That right there is what makes Dakota Smith great at times. It’s also what costs him victories that he should otherwise have without having to work too hard. Work smarter, Dakota. You don’t have to sacrifice yourself to kill your opponent. It’s enough to just beat him, especially after what he did to you at Coup De Grace. Especially after what he cost you. Make him suffer knowing he can’t beat you in the ring don’t just try and kill him. Fucking amateurs, man.

 

PERRY WALLACE

If it wasn’t for Dick interfering in that match, Dakota would still be the Union Champion. Dakota should kill him right here and now!


[With everyone being laid out in and around the ring, The dick man himself Jacob Kuntz starts to push himself up to a standing position on top of the cage. He has his back towards the ring, not even looking at it as he gazes out at the arena from behind his crimson mask. From the amount of blood you could barely even tell, but he Jacob had a sickening grin on his face - then as if he hadn’t even thought about he lunged himself backwards, crossing his arms going for a coffin drop! THE HEP C! AND HE LANDS DIRECTLY ON TOP OF THE LIFELESS BODY OF SQUIGGLY THE CLOWN WITH THUNDERING BOOM! Both men lay lifeless, as Dakota Smith drags himself over to Jacob - pushing him off the body of Squiggly and covering the clown for himself. ]

 

… ONE!

 

… TWO!

 

… THREE!

 

PERRY WALLACE

There you have it! Now let’s lock the Butcher and his copycat in a cage tonight and not open it until one of them isn’t breathing anymore.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Alright calm down. Don’t cut your wrists on that edge. No, wait a second. Scratch that. Please do, actually.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Shut up you twitter lesbian.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I am no longer affiliated with the twitter website.

 

[DING DING DING!]

 

MIKE DEMPSEY

Here are your winners, Dakota Smith, Jacob Kuntz, and RotGut… Team Dakota Smith!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Alright folks, give us a few minutes to have some supremely underpaid ring hands clean up all the blood and gore here at ringside. I’m sure there’s no danger of contracting anything unsavory. All of these men seem like they were sure to be completely up to date on their shots and vaccines. We’ll be back for the Union Battleground Championship match between James Radford and Bryan Williams in just a few moments.

[The crowd cheers. A bell is rung. Bryan Williams is crowned the Union Battleground Champion.]

 

BRYAN WILLIAMS
We did it.

 

[Bryan's voice can be heard, speaking in the background as we watch the footage of his title victory. He raises the championship up in slow motion, while we catch glimpses of Dakota Smith and Dick Devereaux.]

 

BRYAN WILLIAMS
We went into this match with one goal, one idea to stop the cancer that was going to kill Union Battleground from inside. Dakota Smith had to be stopped at all costs.

 

[Footage is shown of the match, the brutality that Bryan endured throughout.]

 

BRYAN WILLIAMS
We took a lot of punishment. We put our body on the line for the betterment of Union, and we made it through to the end. Dakota couldn't stop us, he knew once he stepped into that ring that he had sealed his fate against us.

 

[We see various moments through the match of Bryan not quitting, kicking out numerous times to keep the match going.]

 

BRYAN WILLIAMS
Our body might have been punished, but our spirit was never broken. Dakota Smith couldn't stop us, he couldn't kill Bryan Williams. Now we stand before you as the Union Battleground Champion, ready to defend our title for the first time.

 

[The scene cuts to images of James Radford throughout his time in Union Battleground. We see him losing to Indi Ryder at Coup de Grace.]

 

BRYAN WILLIAMS
James Radford thinks of himself as an underdog. Somebody that might be overlooked in this match. Well James, we can tell you right now that we know who you are. James Radford isn't an underdog, he's an underachiever. 

 

[Again and again we see images of James' failures, the trials he's been through here in Union. We see him getting eliminated in Guerilla Warfare by Bryan. We see the punishment he takes.]

 

BRYAN WILLIAMS

James, you have fooled yourself into thinking that this is a game you can play. You took time away from the business and now it has cost you. Time catches up, and it drives a deep wedge into what you want to become. You failed yourself by leaving in the first place, and now you've fallen far behind.

 

[Suddenly there's no more footage, just a close up of Bryan's head in frame. The mask is with him.]

 

BRYAN WILLIAMS

We cannot allow failure like that to lead this company. We had already worked so hard, bled for so long to get here. There isn't a scenario where we allow this to happen. No, James, it cannot happen. We won't allow you to become Union Battleground Champion.

 

[Bryan grows quiet, as he looks down at the ground.]

 

BRYAN WILLIAMS

We don't blame you for trying, James. We know that anyone would kill to be in your position right now. Union needs a leader, somebody that they can count on night after night to be a beacon of light in the darkness. So much effort, so much energy was put into stopping Dakota. And now you think you can take that away from us?

 

[Bryan shakes his head, looking back up at the camera.] 

 

BRYAN WILLIAMS
Bullshit.

 

[The mask contorts, as Bryan sneers. His face twisting with rage, the mask seems to follow him every step of the way.]

 

BRYAN WILLIAMS

You cannot stop us, because you don't know what it takes to do so. You only know failure, you only know getting to the top only to fall all the way down below. So James, be prepared. Tonight you are not going to experience something new. Tonight will not be a joyful moment for you. Instead you'll only suffer the same fate as before, the same disappointment you've always known.

 

[The scene cuts back, a slow shot of Bryan raising the Union Battleground Championship high above his head.]

 

BRYAN WILLIAMS

Tonight you will watch us walk out as champion. 

 

[With that, we cut to black.]

[The scene opens to the hallway leading towards Guerrilla Position where ‘Country Fine’ James Radford stands ready to go out to the match that could completely make his career. He looks a little nervous as he fidgets from side to side, checking the tape on his fists to make sure that everything is battened down.]

[With a deep sigh he steadies himself and then turns towards the camera.]


JAMES RADFORD
Tonight’s the night. No more talking. No more picking at the scabs. I’m going to do one of two things out there. Either I win the Union Battleground Championship and defeat Bryan Williams in the process, or I fail. There is no quarter, no room for second place. Bryan knows this just as well as I do, which is why I know he’s just as ready.

[James pauses to pull his vest tight down across his shoulders, knocking his head from side to side to loosen up.]

JAMES RADFORD
Bryan, I realize that my manager, Bobby Benson, has caused you a lot of trouble over the past couple of months. Hell, he’s caused me a lot of trouble. I think after being thrown together in that tag match at [R]ev Pro we found out a lot about one another, and you were right. If I could just keep my head up and not constantly have to watch over my back for what he’s gonna do I’d have probably already made it big by now.

[The Pride of Jackson rolls his shoulders a few times before placing both hands on his hips and looking up at the ceiling. He seems to be in prayer for a second, right in the middle of this shoot, and after an amen lowers his gaze to stare hard into the camera.]

JAMES RADFORD
All the more reason, Bryan. All the more reason for me to stick to my path and come into this thing with guns blazing! I don’t know where that little shit is right now, but I guarantee he’ll make his presence known before it’s over and I’m not going to allow myself to get distracted.

[He wiggles his fingers between himself and the camera while still addressing the champion.]

JAMES RADFORD
Cause this ends the way it was always mean to end. Me and you, one on one. Forget Dakota Smith and Indy Ryder. Forget 4CW and who is the hero or not. Forget shit heel managers, tarnished promoters, and everything that’s come before.

Tonight, I’m sending you for a ride on The Confederate Railroad, and you damn well better be ready to receive it!

[With that, James Radford gives one last look down the hallway for Bobby Benson, and not seeing him shrugs before making his way to guerrilla just as his music begins.]

MIKE DEMPSEY

The following battle is scheduled for one fall and for the Union Battleground Championship! Introducing first, standing 6’1” and weighing in at 256 pounds, from Jackson, Mississippi, accompanied by Bobby Benson, he is “The Pride of Jackson” James Radford! 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Nope. Fuck Bobby Benson. That idiot has been trying to get me to sign a contract with him for months. I’d rather have Wrigley represent me alongside that trio of retarded brothers he became an Uncle Tom for than that fucking redneck bitch.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Believe it or not, Wrigley isn’t that bad of a lawyer. He’s helped me in a few jams.

GIRL YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO HURT REAL BAD AND CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP

YOU SHOWED ME HOW THIS TOWN CAN SHATTER DREAMS

ANOTHER LESSON ABOUT A NAIVE FOOL THAT CAME TO BABYLON

AND FOUND OUT THAT THE PIE DON'T TASTE SO SWEET

NOW IT'S GUITARS, CADILLAC'S, HILLBILLY MUSIC

[Just as the song hits it's chorus two spotlights converge on the stage as James Radford saunters out from behind the curtain wearing black boots, leather pants, vest, and a black stetson hat. Radford’s manager, Bobby Benson, comes out to stand alongside Country Fine. They pauses at the top of the stage to stare out at the crowd with hands cupped over their eyes, and both gives the camera a tip of the hat followed by a wink just before making their way down the ramp.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

But for James Radford this is the opportunity of a lifetime. He might not feel like he deserves it, but he’s here and you can’t let that get in the way of what can be accomplished this evening. You don’t know when you’re going to get another shot at the top championship in a company. Trust me, I know that better than anyone don’t I, Perry.

 

PERRY WALLACE

All I can say on the subject is that it sucks to be you. I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for it if I were you.

 

[James slaps a few hands as he passes by while the camera swings around to follow behind him, focusing in on the confederate flag sewn into his vest. Benson wears a grin across his face after Willie Pete’s performance earlier. The two men shuffle towards the ring with Benson standing ringside while Country Fine rushes up the steel steps.]


 

MIKE DEMPSEY

And his opponent, standing 6’2” and weighing in at 219 pounds, from New York, New York, he is the reigning, defending, undisputed Union Battleground Champion, Bryan Williams!

GINGER, THIS IS SARAH.

PICK UP IF YOU'RE THERE.

I'M AT THIS PLACE ON PICO BOULEVARD CALLED TECH NOIR...

[The introduction of the song is sudden, we hear an ominous tone that follows the Terminator line. The keys are dragged out, lingering in the air as the song gets to a slow start. Seconds pass, as a backing track is finally introduced along with the lengthy notes. Eventually, after a minute, the song really kicks into gear. Neon strobe lights flash along with the beat, a shadowy figure keeps in the darkness. Slowly, we see Bryan Williams methodically walk out from the back. He's dressed for a fight, his jacket covering his torso and his baseball bat in hand. It rests comfortably on his shoulder as it keeps its dangerous message. The wolf mask on his head stays contrasted with the neon lights and the darkness. Bryan keeps his head low, as the song continues to play along. The techno beat ramps up more and more, as the lights around him shimmer and dance.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I don’t know if he still goes by Leviathan or not but Bryan Williams has perennially been one of the most underrated stars in the world of wrestling. That probably has to do with not being able to win the ‘big one’ so to speak up until Coup De Grace. But, all the same, even now he feels a bit underappreciated. This is a big match for him, though. Not just because his championship is on the line, but because it’s his first defense. Winning a championship is one thing, but being able to hold onto it when someone is giving you their best shot is a whole other story. Tonight, Bryan Williams either confirms what a lot of people are saying, that he got lucky and only won because of Dick Devereaux. Or he proves a lot of people wrong and solidifies himself as a legitimate star worthy of top billing around the world. This isn’t about respect. It’s about legacy and what people will remember him for. 

 

PERRY WALLACE

There’s nothing to confirm. I was there the night he won the belt and beat Dakota thanks to little Dick. Had Dick not popped up during the match, Dakota had Williams down for the count. There’s no changing that fact no matter what the outcome is here tonight.

 

[The song continues to play, as Bryan stands on the top of the ramp. With his head down, Bryan lets the baseball bat fall from his shoulder, the weight of the bat being pulled towards the ground. His head snaps forward, as he slowly begins to make his way down towards the ring.]

 

[Williams props his bat up against the ring steps, then climbs the steps to glide through the ropes. This crowd stands behind this guy firmly. Radford watches on as Williams hands the championship to the referee, who holds it up high. The two men share a brief staredown as the bell echoes throughout to begin this world championship match!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

It’s interesting to see Williams in this role. Usually he’s the plucky underdog that fans are behind. Or, at times, we’ve seen his ego shine through. But I can’t say that I ever remember seeing Bryan Williams as the man determined to save a company from itself. That mindest might have worked against the likes of Dakota Smith. I’m not sure how it will work against someone like Radford. Either way, we’re about to find out who wants it more.

 

PERRY WALLACE

I sure as shit don’t miss the conversations about who wanted it more after each Adrenaline. That’s a conversation no owner wants to have over and over and over.

 

[DING!]

 

[The two men circle one another to draw silence from the crowd. The anticipation grows as they grapple in the center of the ring! Radford swings Bryan around, but Williams uses a knee to gain the advantage. He irish whips James into the ropes before bouncing into the ropes on the opposite side. Williams catches Radford with a european uppercut that staggers Country Fine! Bryan then cradles up the dazed challenger for an exploder suplex! The crowd pops as Bryan hooks a leg!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Williams goes for the quick pin. I doubt it keeps Radford down but at least it’ll make him expend a little bit of energy to kick out.

 

...One! 

 

...Kick Out! 

 

[James pushes himself back up while Williams leaps up! Radford catches Bryan off guard with an atomic drop from behind! Williams stumbles forward, where James grapples him up from behind again only this time with a sleeper hold! The champion reaches out for the ropes but is unable to reach!] 

 

[Bobby Benson trash talks the champion on the outside of the ring. The Pride of Jackson continues to apply more pressure while Williams wiggles down to adjust his body before reaching back with both free hands. Bryan wraps his arms around the back of Radford’s head to drop down into a jawbreaker! The counter breaks the hold instantly. Benson pulls James out of the ring from beneath the bottom rope. Bryan holds his neck on the mat but quickly raises up to find the challenger.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Smart decision by Benson to pull his client out of the ring right then. That jawbreaker looked like it hurt and you certainly don’t want to let the moment swing back in Williams favor. Take a breather, collect yourself, and get back to work. 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Now that’s what a good manager does, unlike that dumb cunt crying about suing a company for getting attacked because she showed up to ringside when she wasn’t even booked.

 

[Bobby and James begin to argue because he pulled Radford out. The two men find themselves at odds early on in this championship match. James gets to the apron to see Williams rushing towards him inside the ring! Bryan baseball slides beneath the bottom rope to kick James with real force! The shot sends Country Fine into the security barrier shoulder first!] 

 

[Williams lands on both feet alongside the apron. Radford ends up leaning against the steel barrier. Fans slap his back while Bobby Benson slinks out of the way. Williams walks slowly towards Radford as if stalking prey. Benson grabs the baseball bat that the champion left sitting against the ring steps. Bobby grips the bat in both hands then comes up behind Bryan, who is approaching Radford. Williams bends down to get ahold of James only to be swatted from behind by Benson with the champ’s own bat!]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I’m sure Perry here feels like Williams is getting all that he deserves and more. But you’ve got to feel for the man, having to fight a war on two fronts right now. It’s hard enough to defend a championship when the odds are even. But Benson being here at ringside gives Radford a distinct advantage, and this is just another illustration of why that’s true.

 

PERRY WALLACE

It’s completely fair. Bryan Williams is a professionally trained wrestler and Benson is, well, not a professionally trained wrestler? I honestly can’t tell you what the man is but one way or another I’m sure that Williams had this coming!

 

[Bobby rushes over to Radford. James slowly gathers himself after hitting the steel barrier with his full weight. Benson points at Williams, who has yet to move. James staggers up to both feet before bending down to get ahold of the champion. Radford hoists him up then pushes Bryan towards the ring apron. Williams rolls beneath the bottom rope and ends up flat on his back in the center of the ring. James slides in behind him then quickly goes for the pin!] 

 

...One! 

 

...Two! 

 

...Kick Out! 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Just a little to slow getting Williams back into the ring there but still, he nearly had him. Gotta keep the pressure on now, though. 

 

[Williams rolls over while Benson loses it on the outside. Bobby leaps up on the apron to grab a hold of the top rope. He stomps on the apron and uses one hand to hold up three fingers at the referee. The referee and Radford both confront Benson. James assures him it’s fine while the ref threatens to remove him. Suddenly Williams burst between the two men to nail Bobby with a bicycle kick in the face!  Benson flies off the apron to hit the outside floor hard. Williams and James begin throwing punches while Bobby is laid out now on the outside.] 

 

[Radford catches Williams with a knee in the gut suddenly! James then irish whips the champion into the ropes before attempting a clothesline that misses! Bryan hits the ropes on the opposite side and comes back at James with a violent discus lariat that nearly turns the challenger inside out! Williams hooks a leg!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

The man has had brain trauma already. We don’t want him turning into this generations Chris Benoit. Christ, could you imagine the people they’d interview on Dark Side of the Ring if he did? 

 

PERRY WALLACE

I’m crossing my fingers that Williams takes that role seeing as the man’s had at least twenty concussions within the past three or four years.

 

...One! 

 

...Two! 

 

..Kick Out! 

 

[Radford kicks out, but Williams reaches over to apply a kneebar! Bryan applies pressure while James attempts in vain to escape. He thrashes his arms about reaching for ropes or help of any kind with no luck at all. Williams amps up the punishment while Benson stirs on the outside floor for the first time. Bobby raises up to see the big screen over the entrance ramp. Radford is in trouble leading Benson to get up and walk over to the timekeepers table. Williams continues to apply pressure. Bobby reaches for the Union Battleground Championship but the timekeeper takes it first! Benson then grabs the ring bell before taking off!] 

 

[Bobby slides in the ring, but Williams notices him immediately. The champion releases the knee bar and leaps up to his feet. Benson gets up to hold the bell out in front of his face to swing it at Bryan. Williams swings his body around just as Bobby takes off at him full speed. The champ superkicks the bell directly into the face of the manager!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

THANK GOD! That’s the sweetest sound I’ve ever heard outside of the sound of my daughter laughing. Awe, yes. Good guy Eli is here folks. 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Bryan Williams should be fined for attacking helpless and defenseless Bobby Benson with the ring bell!

 

[DING!]

 

[Benson is knocked out cold by the bell. The referee rolls him out of the ring just as Radford realizes what has transpired. Williams turns his attention back to James with a grin across his face. Country Fine rises up to face down the champion.] 

 

[Medical staff rushes down the entrance ramp to take care of Bobby Benson. He will need medical evaluation after that lick. Williams watches as they come in and take the manager out swiftly. Bryan turns to see Radford limping at him for a sloppy cross body! James is now favoring his right leg like an injured animal in the wild. Williams stumbles up to one knee only to be cradled up by the challenger for a pump handle slam! James gets up quick while still favoring his injured leg while climbing up on the middle turnbuckle before turning to face out into the ring! James dives off looking for a splash, but Williams holds up both knees! Country Fine crashes and burns!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

OOF. Radford's ribs. Regardless of how this match goes, if those ribs are bothering him after the match someone tell him to come see me. I know a guy that can help him out.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Help him out for how long though? Eventually it’s going to catch up with him and you know about that more than anyone else.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

It wasn’t my ribs that caught up with me, Perry. And at the end of the day it still didn’t matter. I was the greatest wrestler to ever work for your company. Period. Not even your son was better than me.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Watch what you say about my baby boy!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

What the fuck are you gonna do about it? Swear to god I’ll help Derrick bust that plexiglass.

 

[Radford rolls around on the mat holding his ribcage in pain. The champion rolls to his feet realizing he may have cracked a rib or two with that counter. Bryan hurries over to James to drop heels into his sides with precise stomps! Bryan bends down to grapple James up into a blue thunder bomb that the champ transitions into a pin!] 

 

...One! 

 

...Kick out! 

 

[Radford pushes himself up off the mat quick to catch Williams off guard! James gets Bryan in a side head lock before pushing him off to reach out and hook him for a reverse gut wrench suplex! The video on the big screen show’s Bobby Benson being loaded into an ambulance in the back. This captures the attention of James. He looks on after standing back up. Williams quickly gathers himself on that mat in these precious wasted moments.] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

An Ambulance?! Bryan Williams is just going to get away with sending that poor man off in an ambulance? What the fu--

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Be careful, Perry. Or it’ll be you getting loaded into an ambulance next. Chicken man is gonna fuck your shit up if he hears you talking like that.

 

[James turns back around after Benson is loaded to find Bryan Williams! The champion captures up the challenger for a fireman’s carry that he transitions into an extended knee! James rolls out of the ring before Bryan can attempt a pin. Radford falls off the side of the apron to end up on both knees on the outside floor.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Great ring awareness there by James Radford. But, oh boy, he looks pissed.

 

[James becomes enraged after that exchange. He finds the champion’s baseball bat on the outside of the ring. Radford fights the urge, but loses this battle in his mind. He picks up the bat and uses it almost as a cane. The right leg of the challenger continues to fail him. He shakes it off before sliding back into the ring. Williams immediately drops stomps on the right leg of James Radford! He attempts to roll out of the way to defend some way but Bryan continues to work on the injured leg until Radford swings up and out with the bat! Williams snatches the bat away from him!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

It’s hard enough to win a title when you’re completely healthy, but that leg of Radford’s is really starting to give him problems.  And with Benson completely out of it, you’ve got to be betting on Williams to walk away with this one now. Especially with his prized bat in his possession.

 

PERRY WALLACE

What is this?! The champ can’t even defend what’s his straight up? He has to rely on weapons to get the job done? Tsk tsk...

 

[Williams drops down on top of James and uses the bat to choke him! The champion presses the bat down with all his weight behind it to wedge the throat of the challenger between the bat and mat. Bryan’s eyes are wild with violence as a grin creeps across his face as he chokes James blue. Radford’s eyes start to roll back in his head leading Bryan to drop the bat and hook a leg!] 

 

...One! 

 

...Kick Out! 

 

[Williams rolls his eyes then raises up only to catch a headbutt from Radford! Then another! James sends the champion to the mat before stumbling up to both feet. Country Fine quickly grapples up Bryan for a running powerslam! James then stands up and begins to work the crowd before delivering a shimmy shake elbow drop! Radford pushes himself up still favoring the right leg but grapples up the champion once more for an irish whip into the far corner! James lines himself up directly across the ring in the opposite corner. He takes off looking for Rebel  Yell but Bryan counters with an overhead kick! Both men hit the mat!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

WHAT A KICK! Man, it’s almost like he’s been watching my old matches and taking notes. Can’t help but be a little bit proud.

 

[Bryan and James both struggle to get back to their feet. Both appear hurt from this brutal encounter. Williams uses the ropes to pull himself up as Radford does the same, mere feet away. James takes off at Williams only to catch a spinning back fist! Bryan hits the ropes on the opposite side of the ring while Radford hits a knee. Williams comes back at the challenger with a bicycle knee that nearly takes his head off! The champion leaps to his feet to work up the crowd!] 

 

[Radford stumbles back up, unwilling to quit whatsoever. Williams comes in to attempt a ripcord lariat, but misses! James rolls up the champion from behind after ducking the murder death kill attempt!] 

 

...One! 

 

...Kick Out! 

 

[Williams rolls to his feet to find Radford already staring him down. James takes off at Bryan, who does the same exact thing. Just before they meet in the center of the ring, Williams hits a drop kick on the right shin of Radford that sends him face first into the mat!] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

No matter what James tries, Williams is one step ahead of him to stop him in his tracks.

 

[James rolls around on the mat holding his right leg. Williams rises to his feet and walks over to Radford, who stumbles up to one knee. Bryan drops a balled fist right between the eyes of the challenger, who rises to his feet like he’s just caught his second wind! Williams appears confused, but attempts another balled fist, but Radford blocks it! James then elbows Bryan in the mouth! This causes the champion to stumble backwards before he comes in with a ripcord lariat that hits the mark! Bryan nearly turns Radford for a flip with MANTRA! Williams quickly drops down alongside James to hook a leg!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

That’s all she wrote.

 

...One! 

 

...Two! 

 

...Three! 

 

PERRY WALLACE

As much as I hate to say it, Williams actually did well out there tonight defending against someone clearly not ready to challenge for the company’s top tier championship.

 

[The timekeeper comes out with the Union Battleground Championship. He hands it to Williams before walking over to the bell in the corner. He picks it up and rings it three times.] 

 

[DING DING DING!]

 

MIKE DEMPSEY

Here is your winner AND STILL Union Battleground Champion, Bryan Williams!

 

[The crowd pops for the champion as the referee holds his hand high in victory. Williams' first defense has been a success. He holds the championship high into the air with his left hand while the ref continues to hold the other up high. The champ’s music hits which works the crowd up even further. The Union Battleground fateful are riled as the Main Event looms.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Crazy to think that we’ve still got one more match to go tonight. And after all the chaos. All the violence. All of the gratuitous bloodshed and gore, what’s coming next between Kaven Drell and Kaelan Laughlin.. It just might top it all. 

 

PERRY WALLACE

As messy and blood soaked as that canvas is, I’d refuse to enter the ring if I were Kaelan or Kaven. They’re literally stepping into an STD.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Have you ever watched a Kaven Drell promo? He’ll probably lick the ring when he gets in it. But we’ll be right back.

[The beginning beat to “Warrior” by Dead by April begins to blare through the speakers.]

WARRIOR! 

MIKE DEMPSEY

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the moment you’ve all been waiting for — it’s time for the Main Event of the evening! The following battle is an Inferno Match and it is for the Union Battleground Trench War Championship! Introducing first, standing 5’6”, weighing in at 135 pounds, from Belfast, Northern Ireland, she is “The Irish Rose” Kaelan Laughlin!

[After the first scream of Warrior, Kaelan Laughlin comes bursting through the curtains with a grin on her face. She soaks up the cheers from the fans for a moment nodding her head before she starts walking down the ramp.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Well, you can tell the Belfast crowd is fully behind their favorite daughter. Like Dante said in the opening moments of the show, this match is personal. Some might say that Kaelan has played right into Kaven Drell’s hand, but I’ve never known her to be someone who backs down from a fight. And she certainly is going to give Drell the fight of his life tonight. She wanted this match, wanting to take the fight to his world. In return, I’ve heard that he asked for it to happen right in her backyard and that’s how we ended up here in Belfast tonight. Drell has toyed with Kaelan’s niece. Kaelan has made comments about Kaven’s daughter. And tonight, someone is going to burn because of it. I’m not sure either of these two can emerge from this the same as they were before they step into the ring tonight.

 

PERRY WALLACE

An inferno match ain’t shit compared to a McDonald’s creativity deathmatch. Kaelan’s been through that and a lot more following. She should be right in her element here tonight against a man I can say I’m not too familiar with other than the brief acquaintance at Bad Company. Kaven’s made quite a name for himself here in Union, along with Kaelan, and this is a match I have been excited to see.

 

[Kaelan pauses on the steel steps throwing an arm up in the air to the reaction of more cheers before she climbs them and quickly climbs between the ropes, walking over to the middle to end up standing on the turnbuckle. She leans forward while throwing up the devil horns with her title draped over her shoulder proudly. Kaelan then hands the strap over to the referee, who holds it high into the air.]

MIKE DEMPSEY

And her opponent, standing 6’2”, and weighing in at 217 pounds, from Indianapolis, Indiana, he is the reigning, defending, undefeated, undisputed Union Battleground Trench War Champion, Kaven Drell!

I DEFY YOUR DEFIANCE

IT'S ALL LIES IN ALLIANCE

I'VE BEEN DAMAGED, LEFT IN RUIN

'CAUSE I'M BROKEN, FLAWED AND HUMAN

[On the final syllable of the word "human" Kaven Drell emerges, moving at a methodical pace without really paying any attention to his surroundings with his gleaming championship belt dangling over his shoulder. The fans respond positively to him, though he pays them little mind as he slowly makes his way down toward the ring.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

And there he is, Perry. I don’t know if he’s a blight upon Union Battleground as a company, or if he’s what makes them unique. But you can’t deny that inside the UBG ring, Kaven Drell is something special. He’s undefeated up to this point. He is the sole loss on Elena DeDraca’s record in this company. He put Michael Kelly out of business here. Kimitsu Zombie took time away from the company after finding her way in his path. He’s a man who has professed a desire to tear Union Battleground apart from the inside, and reshape it in the image that he sees as one that benefits the fans rather than the likes of the Graves family. Throughout this match you’ll hear the crowd, even in Kaelan’s home town, chanting his mantra. Kill. Drell. Kill. And tonight, he has promised to take everything that Kaelan Laughlin holds dear, and let it burn. You almost forget there’s championship on the line with how personal this is between these two. But this is the stuff that rivalries that are remembered for years to come are made of
 

PERRY WALLACE

As I mentioned earlier, Kaven Drell isn’t a man that I’m too familiar with, but this is Union Battleground and the people here are. The man’s made Union Battleground his playground and he’s the first name I think of when I hear the words Union Battleground.

 

[Near the end he drifts to the left toward the rows of fans being held back by a barricade, allowing a few of them to reach out and slap him on his chest or pat him on his back as he pauses to stare into the ring, his eyes are not focused on any one thing but more the broad task at hand. Eventually, Kaven heads to the ring steps and takes a few sure steps up them, ducking in between the ropes into the ring where he soon finds a seat in his corner and waits for the sound of the bell to signal the beginning of the match. The referee points at a ring grip who lights a flame! The flame ignites all the way around the ring apron. The ref then explains that a win can only come after one of these two have been set on fire.]

 

[The referee takes a step back to hold up the Trench War Championship before calling for the bell!] 

 

[DING!]

 

[Drell and Kaelan both strike out! They begin swapping blows in the center of the ring completely encircled by flames. Kaven gets a foot behind the left ankle of Laughlin and pushes her over! She nearly lands face first into the fire! The pipe around the ring shoots the fire out in perfect flames all the way around. Kaelan ends up facing it but begins to push herself up when Drell hops on her back! He takes up two handfuls of her red hair and begins pushing her head toward the flames!]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

In all seriousness, Perry, do you think it’s possible to actually set a firecrotch on fire? Not that I know if Kaelan’s carpet matches the curtains but one can only assume. She is Oirish after all. Look out on the crowd and it’s like 110% gingers here tonight. I think your hair is even turning red just being here.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Let’s go ahead and get one thing straight right now. If that were to happen, you have to promise to put me down. I can’t imagine living life as a ginger and I’d rather fucking kill myself. I like having a soul.

 

[Kaelan can feel the heat on her face when she lunges her head back to catch Kaven on the chin! The shot breaks his hold and causes him to fall off of her. Laughlin rolls to her feet looking for a fight!] 

 

[Kaelan takes off at Drell to catch him in a tilt-a-whirl headscissors takedown! She rolls to her feet as does Kaven! She attempts a roundhouse kick that he ducks! Kaven comes up to counter with a backhand chop! Then another! Drell continues with chop after chop until he works Laughlin into the far corner. Kaelan appears in a bit of daze leading the champion to cradle her up for a belly to belly suplex out of the corner!] 

 

KILL! DRELL! KILL!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

What did I tell you, Perry? They’re chanting already. Look around and you’ll see lighters all around the arena igniting when they chant his name.

 

PERRY WALLACE

You’re telling me! I’d pull mine out if I wasn’t inside of this plexiglass whatever the fuck this thing is. The ring has already been painted in blood tonight and now it’s time to burn the son of a bitch down to the ground.

 

[Drell gets back to his feet then takes his time. He peers around the ring searching for anything to punish this woman with. These few moments allow Kaelan to recover. She rolls to her feet to find Kaven with his back turned to her. Laughlin comes flying in from behind Drell with a drop kick to the spine that sends him face first towards the fire. He nearly eats it, but somehow manages to stop himself mere inches from the flames! Kaelan comes in from behind after the save to toss him through the ropes and out of the ring. She then mocks the champion from inside the ring!] 

 

[Kaven barely avoids being burned on his way through the ropes. On the outside, he immediately looks around for something to hurt Laughlin with. He gets beneath the ring skirt and searches while Kaelan riles up the crowd by continuing to taunt the undefeated champion.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Come on Kae, stay on him. I know it’s your home town and all but you know better than that. You can’t give that guy an opportunity to dig around under the ring. With the way this night has been going he’ll probably find C4 under there.

 

PERRY WALLACE

I would say I bet he finds a ladder underneath there but they’ve already been used. There’s no telling what’s underneath there that has no business being there in the first place.

 

[Drell pulls out a chain and a silver can. The can contains paint thinner, a flammable liquid. Laughlin turns to further mock Kaven when she notices what he’s holding. The champion carefully unfolds the nozzle before pointing the can inside the ring. He squirts it a long distance and as it lands on the fire it ignites the canvas in a line straight towards Kaelan. She stomps it out abruptly before calling Drell to bring it on!]
 

[Drell walks up to the apron and kicks other weapons out from beneath the skirt. He bends down and tosses in nearly everyone he’s found. A staple gun, a bag full of mystery, and a kendo stick. Kaven then carefully walks up the ring steps to leap over the top rope and back into the ring! Kaelan meets him and they immediately begin throwing punches! Kaven swings the can of paint thinner at Laughlin that sends her to the mat, flat on her bottom.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

What do you think, Wallace? Is there another ladder under there? Someone needs to explain why there’s paint thinner and a fucking stapler under the ring though. Are they doing arts and crafts while prepping for the show?

 

PERRY WALLACE

After seeing some of the people here tonight, I think it’s a pretty safe bet to say that the paint thinner was intended for them to kill what little brain cells they have left.

 

[Drell picks up the kendo stick and walks slowly towards Laughlin. She lunges forward with a balled fist for a low blow! Kaelan rises to both feet after picking up the kendo stick and can of paint thinner. She squirts the liquid on the end of the weapon while taunting the champion. Kaven squirms back to a standing position as she hovers the kendo stick above the fire to ignite the end of it! The fire causes the crowd to gasp before Laughlin smacks Drell across the back with it! Then again and again! Flames and hot embers fly as she continues to smack him with the weapon that pinches the flesh with each lick! The referee comes in as close as he can but Drell does not catch fire. Kaelan drops the weapon leading the referee to stomp it out!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Holy shit that’s it! Kaelan Laughlin has done it. Just like that this match is over!

 

PERRY WALLACE

Now hold on just a minute! I’ve seen Riddle go up in flames before, what the hell was that?!

 

[Kaven lies on the mat with smoke coming off his back. Laughlin points at the smoke but the referee declares he never ignited. Kaelan rolls her eyes at the call before making her way back over to Drell. She takes hold of him by the neck and helps him back up to a vertical base. Laughlin irish whips the champion into the ropes, where he bounces off but gets a quick burn on the shin before returning. The sharp pain causes him to hit one knee! Kaelan comes up with a knee to the face to send Drell down on the mat. Laughlin hits the mat alongside him to help push his head toward the flames along the apron. Drell fights this off by shaking his head left to right before delivering a back elbow to Kaelan that busts her mouth open!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I guess he wasn’t actually on fire? I’m not sure, but the referee declared this match is going to continue on and Kaelan Laughlin just ate a face full of an elbow from Kaven Drell.

 

PERRY WALLACE

I’m sure Hudson would say that’s not all she’s eaten behind her husband’s back.

 

[Kaven staggers to his feet with a sly grin across his face. The expression on a man who loves this kind of violence. Drell quickly gets the small mystery bag he tossed in. He unties the small piece of string that holds the secret. Kaven turns the bag upside down while looking into the eyes of Laughlin, who remains on the mat. Thumbtacks begin to pour out onto the canvas. Kaven Drell’s favorite weapon has made its grand entrance.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

OF COURSE THERE’S THUMBTACKS! Gotta have something to hang up all those pictures they were painting while setting up the ring.

 

PERRY WALLACE

I can’t wait for the day someone pulls a crane out from underneath the ring.

 

[Drell uses the tip of his boot to spread the tacks all over the middle of the ring. He then calls for Kaelan to bring it, and she obliges. Laughlin lunges at Kaven, who moves to catch her with a drop toe hold! Kaelan lands face first into a pile of the tacks!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Jesus Christ, she has a husband to go home to lets try not to completely mangle her face.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Her husband has seen a lot worse in Sadie’s basement.

 

KILL! DRELL! KILL! 

 

[Kaven gets up quickly to come in behind Kaelan. He takes two handfuls of her hair from behind then drives her face back into the tacks. The champion grinds the challenger's face into the tacks and canvas with little regard or concern for her!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Or, you know, don’t listen at all. That’s fine too.

 

PERRY WALLACE

This reminds me of the conversations I have with my other son. These people know what they’re getting into when they step into one of these matches. Well here’s my question. Why doesn’t anyone ever wear any proper P.P.E. before stepping into what essentially becomes a construction jobsite when it’s all said and done.

 

[Kaven suddenly lets her go before attempting to shove her towards the fire! Laughlin twists around on the mat and hits Drell up the side of the head with the paint thinner can! Kaven hits the mat on his side in a daze while Kaelan’s face is cut to pieces from the thumbtacks. A camera alongside the ring pans close to show her pulling them out of her flesh.] 

 

[Laughlin turns around to face Drell. Kaven slowly makes his way to the corner, careful to avoid the flames along the apron. Kaelan slowly gets to her feet before taking off full speed at Drell in the corner. He lunges forward right into a running double axe handle! Kaven falls down flat and burns his right wrist on the flame! Kaelan quickly flips him over to apply a double underhook crossface! Laughlin locks it on directly in front of the flames. She attempts to move Kaven’s face closer to the fire but he holds her back!] 

 

[Kaelan continues to apply pressure while attempting to burn the face of her opponent. Blood drips off her chin, where the thumbtacks dug into her flesh. One was bent in her forehead and remains stuck in like a fish hook. Kaelan could care less about any of that in his moment. Drell uses his weight to roll the two over causing Laughlin to burn her back thus releasing the hold! Kaelan falls off the apron and onto the outside floor holding her back while Kaven ends up breathing heavy on his side still in the ring.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Man, we’ve seen a lot of violence and gore tonight but Kae’s trying to kill that man with thumbtacks still stuck in her face and blood dripping down off her chin. 

 

PERRY WALLACE

She’s come a long way to get where she is today. We’ve seen her go through so much over the years to become the woman she is tonight in that ring.

 

[Kaelan manages to get to one knee on the outside. She uses the apron to assist in standing up. Suddenly, Drell reaches down from inside the ring to take hold of her red locks again! Kaven pulls with all he’s got attempting to get Laughlin close enough to the fire. Kaelan reaches up and pulls the unbalanced champion over the top rope! He bounces off the apron and ends up on the outside floor directly in front of Kaelan. She begins dropping stomps as the fire illuminates her fury.] 

 

[Drell rolls around on the floor as Kaelan continues her stomping onslaught. She finds a box cutter peeking out from beneath the ring skirt. Laughlin quickly snatches it up and takes her time sliding the blade out. She then turns her attention back to the champion.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Oh god. No, Kae. Don’t do that. He’s got a kid. You don’t want to make little… whatever her name is an Orphan. You don’t have to do this!

 

PERRY WALLACE

Yes she does! It was fate for her to find that razor and settle this once and for all! Why else would that be casually placed at ringside!?

 

[Kaven ends up on his back, where Kaelan jumps on top of him to straddle the champ! She then takes the open box cutter in both hands to stab down at Drell! Kaven takes hold of both her wrists in each hand to halt this! The crowd comes unglued at the display of pure violence. Kaelan continues attempting to bring the blade down to stab Drell, who manages to push her off. The box cutter gets tossed up into the air and into the ring.] 

 

[Kaven gets free then rushes for the ring steps. Laughlin gives chase and both wrestlers end up back in the ring of fire. Kaelan attempts to hit Kaven with a knee but he counters with a russian leg sweep at the last possible moment! Laughlin leaps back to her feet only to be mowed down by a lou thesz press that he transitions into mounted punches! Kaven hits here with a big left, followed quickly by a sharp right! Laughlin attempts in vain to escape the clutches of the champion.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

The champion is battering an already beaten up challenger. You can see the wounds inflicted to Kaelan’s face earlier beginning to open up once more. Drell isn’t in much better shape himself but right now he’s in control and he’s got bad intentions.

 

PERRY WALLACE

This is the last place that Kaelan wanted to find herself. She better do something quick before Kaven shows the entire world why he’s undefeated inside of that ring.

 

[Drell stops punching to begin pulling Kaelan by the hair of the head once more towards the flames! He reaches out to use the bottom rope as a brace to help pull her faster but the rope catches on fire after being pulled over the flame. The entire bottom rope breaks loose all the way around after the tension is broken! This moment allows Laughlin to escape the grasp of the deranged superstar.] 

 

[Kaelan gets to her feet leading Drell to come right at her! She catches him with a kick in the gut swiftly followed by a DDT! Laughlin leaps to her feet then rushes over to the closest corner. Drell shakes his head on the mat to gather his bearings while Kaelan scales the turnbuckles to end up on the top. She adjusts her position once on top to wait patiently. Kaven slowly gets up and begins to turn which leads Kaelan to leap off! Drell turns to see her just in time to snatch her out of the air in the crossbody attempt to counter with a wicked powerslam!] 

 

KILL! DRELL! KILL! 

 

[The champion then picks up the staple gun that he tossed in earlier. Kaelan ends up flat on her back. Drell begins to staple her hair to the canvas! He staples it many different times. Kaelan attempts to roll away but cannot! She has been stapled to the mat by her hair! Drell continues to put staples in to ensure she can’t go anywhere!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Oh god. Perry this is bad. This is real bad. 

 

PERRY WALLACE

She knew what she was getting into. This is bad but isn’t bad what they signed up for?

 

[Kaven rolls to his feet while Laughlin struggles with all she’s got to escape. Drell slowly and methodically walks over to the can of flammable paint thinner. Kaelan continues to struggle as he walks over to peer down at her. The crowd comes undone when he begins to squirt her with the paint thinner. Drell pours it all over his opponent then is careful to make a line going away from her and to the far corner just mere inches away from the flames. An expression of pure horror crosses the face of Laughlin as she desperately attempts to pull her hair free from the twenty some staples holding her flat to the canvas.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

No. Nono. No don’t do that. Don’t you fucking do it, Kaven. Don’t you do it!

 

[Kaelan looks around where she can. She can’t turn her head all the way around but notices the open box cutter at her feet. Laughlin reaches out with her left foot to pull it closer to her while Drell lights the kendo stick once more. Kaven holds the lit weapon up high into the air to further rile this already crazy crowd. Drell glides through the middle and top rope to end up out on the apron. He skips over the fire to find himself on the outside floor.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Perry let me behind that fucking plexiglass. Let me in. I don’t feel safe right now.

 

PERRY WALLACE

You’re on your own my friend. There’s only enough room one and one of us has to read Hadley good bedtime stories in the future.

 

[Kaelan pulls the box cutter closer until she can finally reach it with her finger tips. She quickly grabs it up and immediately begins cutting at her famous red locks with the short blade. Laughlin saws at her hair while Drell laughs out loud before sticking the kendo stick beneath the ropes to light the paint thinner in the corner. The flames ignite and head for Laughlin, but she manages to cut the last strand of hair away and roll out of the ring before the entire ring ignites up in the flames!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

HOLY SHIT!

 

PERRY WALLACE

Oh shit, where’s my mask. I’m not inhaling that shit!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Oh, you mean this mask? The one that you forgot to keep inside your shitty little cubicle? It’s mine now.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Son of a bitch!

 

[Laughlin lets out a huge sigh of relief that she managed to escape a certain fiery death. The Fire Marshall suddenly comes out as the entire ring begins to burn. The ropes melt loose as alarms go off and water begins to come down all around. The accelerant burns bright as this show gets shut down by the city's fire marshall. The crowd becomes unglued and starts to riot, wanting to see the end of this one.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

FUCK THIS MATCH PERRY I’M NOT READY TO DIE!

 

PERRY WALLACE

Shut down by the fire marshall! That’s why I fucking hate Paw Patrol!

 

[Kaelan reaches up to realize she cut half of her hair off to escape. An angry expression crosses her face when she turns around to find Kaven Drell! He hoists her up into the air. Drell kisses her on the lips before heaving her into the ring! She goes right through the center of the burning canvas to disappear inside the actual ring covered in paint thinner!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

He killed her. Oh my god he fucking killed her. Perry she’s dead. We just watched a man murder his opponent. Over a fucking championship. Jesus. I need to call my wife. No, I need to get the fuck out of here.
 

PERRY WALLACE

Don’t fucking touch anything and leave nothing behind. We need to get out before we become a suspect. I’m not spending the night in jail.

 

[DING DING DING!]

 

MIKE DEMPSEY

Here is your winner AND STILL Union Battleground Trench War Champion, Kaven Drell!

 

[The scene all around turns dangerous as medics and firemen march down the entrance ramp while Drell watches the ring burn. He holds his arms up victoriously while embers fly through the air. A referee attempts to put Kaelan out on the opposite side. She will have to go to the hospital for the burns she’s received in this match.  The fire marshall tries to stop the crowd from rioting as a figure leaps over the security barrier just behind Kaven Drell!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Who the fuck is th-... is that who I think it is?

 

[The hooded figure throws the hood back to reveal Danny Rizzo! The final Apex Champion from Valor takes hold of Drell from behind! The champion gets thrown into the burning ring by Rizzo out of nowhere! The camera shot pans close from behind Danny to show a silhouette of the former top Valor champion. He watches Kaven burn up close after tossing his former colleague into the fire without any hesitation. Chaos ensues all around as the Union credit’s are shown at the bottom left hand of the screen.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t know what the hell has just happened but they’re shutting us down. So let me just say, Vinny Vassa you fat piece of shit I know you’re sitting at home jealous that I’m here doing your job better than you ever did. So let me rub some more salt in the wound as we get the fuck out of here. I’m Elijah Carlson, and this is my partner Perry Wallace signing off. Good Fight… and good night!

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