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L!GHTS OUT #37

D.C. Armory

Washington, D.C.

10,000

Desktop 1920 x 1080

[From inside the D.C. Armory in the Nation's Capitol Washington, D.C., the house is packed to the roof with 10,000 fans that are in pandemonium as the building is lit up with a marvelous light show at the main stage and above the ring. Several camera angles pan all throughout the building, capturing all of the excitement. As the electric introduction subsides, the view starts to transition to ringside with a tight closeup of the star studded commentary crew of Elijah Carlson and Perry Wallace sitting intently at the broadcast table. However, before they can begin to rundown the card for tonight, the arena is engulfed in darkness as the lights go out.]

WARRIOR! 

[The lights dim as the entrance ramp fills with smoke. The beginning beat of “Warrior” by Dead by April begins to play. Usually Kaelan Laughlin bursts through the curtains with high energy. Ready for a fight, but not tonight. Slowly she walks out from behind the ropes. Her body completely covered by the elaborate studded jacket she wears. Her dark colored pants cover her legs, and on her face looks to be a burnt fox mask. Covering her appearance. She makes her way to the ring quietly. She doesn’t acknowledge anyone or anything as she’s introduced. She just slides into the ring and asks for a microphone. Letting her music die when she finally gets it before speaking through the mask.]

 

KAELAN LAUGHLIN

I messed up. I messed up bad in my own hometown. My family… My friends. They sat there and they watched me burn. There was nothing they could do. I brought it on myself anyways. People might say I bit off more than I could chew but… The only way I wanted to beat Kaven Drell was at his own game. Anything less wasn't good enough for me. I paid the price… I’m burned pretty badly. Wrestling has never been more painful for me… and well… My face has seen better days. In fact.. I shouldn’t just tell you about it.. allow me to show you.

 

[Kaelan removed the burnt fox mask quickly. People were expecting it to be burnt and grotesque but shockingly enough it seemed to be pretty clear. Aside from a small burn on her cheek that seemed to be healing. She grinned as she threw the mask to the floor and stepped on it. The fans erupted when they saw that for the most part Kaelan seemed to be okay. She wasn’t going to reveal what the rest of her looked like.]

 

KAELAN LAUGHLIN

I’m just kidding. My face actually made it through okay. The rest of me is a bit gnarly right now but it’s fine. I just wanted to make Kaven back there happy for a fleeting moment before I ripped it all away. You see because most people who have faced Kaven have tucked tail and run after losing to him. That’s what Kaven wanted to do to me. To destroy me. Well I’m standing here right now and I’m telling you Drell it’s going to take a lot more than fire to get rid of The Warrior Queen. I’m not done with you yet by a long shot. If I have to fight the entire roster from the bottom again to get to you and rip you apart I will. I’ll be Warhorse Champion again. I don’t care. Whatever it takes.

 

[She grinned as the fans cheered louder for her. She nodded her head taking in their appreciation in the moment before lifting the mic to speak again.]

 

KAELAN LAUGHLIN

You tried to end me Kaven. You won the battle but I promise you this. You did not win the war. I said I was going to start at the bottom and rose through the ranks of this company and take every title one by one, and I meant it. I will not stop until I am the Trench Warfare Champion. If someone happens to end Kaven before I get the chance? Then the person holding that title is my new goal but Kaven has bested me more than once now and I have a lot to prove to him.. and to everyone else. The Warrior Queen will rise like a Phoenix from the Ashes and I will carve a bloody path through the Battleground once again on my way to the top and there’s nobody who I will let stop me.

 

[Kaelan threw the mic down as “Warrior” by Dead by April began to play again and she exited the ring with a look of determination on her face as she smiled a wicked smile walking her way to the back.]

PERRY WALLACE

Up next we have a three way on our hands and before you all ask, no, it does not involve Leela in any way whatsoever. I know, I’m just as shocked as you all joining us here tonight.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I still don’t believe it. That shit has to be a fucking bit. There’s no way innocent Leela is getting DP’d by two men. Especially not THOSE two men.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Both combined are a huge downgrade from Cosmo, right?

 

[“Play God” by Sam Fender hits throughout! Miles Lucky slinks through the curtain to end up out on the stage.] 

YOU WERE CRACKING ALL YOUR FINGERS

WITH YOUR EYES FIXED TO THE FLOOR

SOUND IT ECHOED DOWN THE STREET

BY THE MONUMENT YOU HEAR

MIKE DEMPSEY

The following battle is a Triple Threat Match scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, standing 6’2” and weighing in at 180 pounds, he is Miles Lucky!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I still don’t feel like this is this dudes real name. He one of your Witness Protection guys, Perry? If he is, I hope whoever is after him doesn’t watch Battleground. It’s probably a bunch of war pigeons or some shit though.

 

PERRY WALLACE

What if the murder hornets were after him? Imagine how crazy that would be. I’d shit myself. Nobody is scared of a pigeon. I mean goddamn, they made a terrible rap song after pigeons.

 

[Lucky continues his way down the ramp. Avoiding both security barriers with an obvious anxiousness. Miles slides into the ring to a mixed reaction from the Union Battleground fans but more positive than his first match..] 

WHOA LET THE SUN BEAT DOWN UPON MY FACE

AND STARS TO FILL MY DREAM

I AM A TRAVELER OF BOTH TIME AND SPACE

TO BE WHERE I HAVE BEEN

T' SIT WITH ELDERS OF THE GENTLE RACE

["Kashmir" by Bond begins to play, the violins cutting through the silence and drawing everyone's attention. Just as the drums kick in, Michael Hayden steps from behind the curtain, pausing to take a look at his surroundings. Letting the umbrella rest over his shoulder, Hayden takes a moment to soak in the atmosphere. Marching to the ring, Hayden stops just at ringside before scanning the crowd once more. Letting out a loud "WHO?!" through the mask, Hayden hops onto the ring apron before raising the umbrella into the air. Stepping inside the ring, Hayden removes the mask, staring daggers at his opponent. Maintaining eye contact, Hayden removes his jacket, handing it to a ringside worker before stretching for his match.]

 

MIKE DEMPSEY

And his opponent, standing 6’2” and weighing in at 227 pounds, he is Michael Hayden!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

This is one of those dudes that’s been all over the wrestling world and yet I don’t think I’ve ever seen him wrestle anywhere that isn’t focused on geometry. Still, he’s built a reputation for himself, along with the wrestling school that he runs. I think it’s a wrestling school anyway. Will be interesting to see how he does here tonight.

 

PERRY WALLACE

I’m not sure if you’re aware of this but school’s out for the summer, even geometry class that I know you loved so much when you were younger. 

 

["Chasing Rabbits" By Eazy Mac begins to hypnotically play across the PA system as the lights in the arena dim, to where you can barely see a few feet in front of you. A few small lights still left on the stage show you that a smoke has started to consume the stage.]

ONE PILL MAKES YOU LARGER AND

ONE PILL MAKES YOU SMALL AND

THE ONES THAT MOTHER GIVES YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING AT ALL

GO CHASING RABBITS

MIKE DEMPSEY

And their opponent, standing 5’10”, weighing in at 213 pounds, from Pontiac, Illinois, he is “The Burner” Flash Kassidy!

 

PERRY WALLACE

Oh look, it’s Flash, the guy who doesn’t know how to include someone else on the rotation. And I don’t mean that little shit Jay either.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Jay’s a good dude. Always looked out for his buddy Chris Trippier. Flash is just hipster Dakota Smith. Weed Football.

 

[As that last line gets said, a spotlight hits the center of the stage and Flash Kassidy Moshes forward, his hair flying into his face. He then throws his head back and takes a stance on the stage, legs slightly spread, with a cocky as fuck smirk across his face - showing off his golden grill. He looks around the arena through his signature shades, his head ever bobbing to the beat of the song. Flash nonchalantly takes a step forward and starts making his way down the ramp, the entire time vibing to his own entrance music.]

SO TAKE A HIKE AND PUT ACID TABS IN YOUR MAXIPADS

COP A FANNY PACK AND ACT LIKE HALF THESE CATS WHO BATTLE RAP

MY TUNES DOPE, HEAVY HAYMAKERS LIKE SUMOS

[As Flash approaches the ring he walks over to the steps, grabbing the ring post with one hand and pulling himself up. He stands on the apron for a few more moments continuing to just really get into his theme music. He then jumps up on the ropes, as if going for a springboard before dropping down inside the ring and instantly laying back against the ring ropes. Flash pushes his back up against the ropes a few times before bouncing forward and stopping in the middle of the ring. He then runs one hand through his long blond hair before chuckling to himself. As he walks over to his corner there is a bit of drunken, loose swagger to his steps. He puts his back up against the corner, and waits until the very last minute to take off his shades. }

 

PERRY WALLACE

And there’s our three! I told you that Leela wasn’t in the middle of this three way!

 

[DING!]

 

[Flash strikes out immediately at Miles! Kassidy throws punches to begin working Lucky into the corner before finishing with a solid elbow across the mouth that sits Miles down, flat on his bottom! The Burner goes to turn around, but gets wrapped up from behind by Hayden for a quick german suplex!]

 

PERRY WALLACE

Come on Flash! You should know better than to not keep one eye looking over your shoulder in this type of match.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Does he though? Does he really?

 

[Michael quickly gets back to both knees to crawl over and hook a leg of Kassidy!] 

 

...One! 

 

KICK OUT! 

 

PERRY WALLACE

It’s going to take more than that to put Flash down but I can’t blame Michael for trying to end this match early on.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

If you know you’re not going to win the match it’s kinda dumb to try and pin them. I know, what commentators are supposed to say is that that causes your opponent to expend energy but really, it doesn’t. I mean we’re talking about rolling your ass over just to get one shoulder off of the mat. 

 

[Flash leaps up to find Hayden reaching his feet as well. Both men turn to begin throwing blows, but turn to see Miles charging at both for a double clothesline! Lucky gets up off the mat to look down on both opponents. He peers at Michael then at Kassidy. Suddenly, he rips Hayden’s shirt off before Michael knows what's happened! Flash raises up off the mat only to have the shirt wrapped around his neck by Miles Lucky! He twists both ends of the shirt to further strangle The Burner!] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

How the fuck am I supposed to take Miles Bla—Lucky serious when he did shit like this? Happy pigeon day you rotten bastards!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I don’t even know what the fuck pigeon day is.

 

[Hayden gets up to find his shirt is now gone. He then peers up to see his two opponents, with Lucky trying to strangle Kassidy still. Michael leaps up then charges at the two men leading Miles to release his hold suddenly and pull out a red rape whistle. He blows it before pointing at Hayden, who appears confused by this man completely.] 

 

[Kassidy comes in from behind during the confusion to hammer Hayden with a big elbow to the back of the head! This sends Michael down onto one knee leading Flash to hit the ropes directly in front of him to slingshot back at  Hayden for a violent yakuza kick! The Burner hooks a leg while Lucky watches on the entire time.]

 

PERRY WALLACE

Mike’s down and Flash can end it right here!

 

...One! 

 

...Two! 

 

BROKEN UP!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

But he didn’t. 

 

[Kassidy rolls over to end up on one knee. He peers up to see the creepy wide eyed stare of Miles Lucky. Lucky’s unnerving ability to hold eye contact is unrivaled thus far. Flash comes right at Miles, who spits right in his face! Kassidy can’t believe it. Lucky asks the referee for the time before being rolled up from behind by Michael Hayden!] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Jesus fucking Christ! Did that dude really just spi—there’s Hayden from behind with a roll up!

 

...One! 

 

BROKEN UP! 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

It’s a good thing they hired me to bring some class to this company because Jesus Christ these guys all act like they came straight out the trailer park.

 

[Flash stomps the pin out immediately! Hayden flops out of the ring while Kassidy continues to stomp on Miles! Lucky rolls around attempting in vain to avoid the sharp heels of The Burner! Miles manages to also get out of the ring to avoid the onslaught of Flash Kassidy. Lucky gets to his feet and immediately makes his way towards the announcers table. Eli and Perry both watch on as Lucky takes hold of the extra headset. Miles speaks into the mic in an almost whisper…]

 

MILES LUCKY

I’m just here so I don’t get fined.

 

PERRY WALLACE

I’m going to need you to step six feet back from the plexiglass and maybe even give some effort out there instead of whatever the fuck you call what you’ve been doing.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

While you’re here though, let’s have a conversation. What’s your real name? We both know it’s not Miles Lucky. 

 

[Lucky thanks both commentators before sitting it back down on the table. Miles then takes off both of his boots and gives them to Eli for safe keeping. He then turns around to face the ring only to find Hayden! Michael kicks him in the gut in order to cradle up his head. Hayden then DDT’s Lucky face first into the concrete floor! Miles rolls over to reveal his nose was broken during the maneuver! Blood trickles down his face while Michael gets back up and plans to get Lucky back into the ring. Hayden looks up to see Flash Kassidy springboarding off the top rope at him for a wicked swanton bomb! All three men end up on the outside floor.] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

You’re pissing in those boots before the end of the night, right Eli?

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Why do… what the fuck?

 

[Flash and Lucky stir first. Kassidy stumbles up after taking an awkward landing. He grapples up the larger Hayden and rolls him back into the ring. Flash limps up onto the apron in order to get back in the ring himself. Lucky crawls over to the ring steps while Kassidy pulls Hayden to the closest corner in haste. Flash then makes his way over to the turnbuckles to begin the careful climb to the top. Now nursing an obviously twisted ankle. The Burner gets to the top and quickly leaps off for his signature maneuver with camera flashes throughout! Miss! Michael gets pulled out of the way at the last possible moment by Lucky! Hayden hit the back of his head on the concrete floor during the exchange with Flash before and has been in a daze since.] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

I think the medical team needs to get Michael into concussion protocol ASAP!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

They’re busy examining Williams backstage right now.

 

[Hayden somehow gets to one knee only to be captured up from behind by Lucky! Miles suplexes Michael back and over his head into the corner turnbuckles, where he crashes and burns! Lucky then swings around to find Kassidy rolling around on the mat clutching at the ailing ankle. Kassidy peers up suddenly to see Miles crawling slowly at him with an expressionless glare. Flash attempts to get up only to be cradled up suddenly by Lucky for a headlock driver! The maneuver leaves The Burner out cold.]

 

[Miles rises to his feet to take his own shirt off. He throws it into the crowd before heading towards Flash slowly. Suddenly he stops and realizes his shirt is gone. Miles looks around the ring momentarily for his lost shirt before turning into a balled fist of Michael Hayden! Flash remains on the mat lifeless while Michael catches Lucky with another right hook! Miles reaches up to put a thumb in each eye of Hayden with force! Michael stumbles back leading Miles to kick him in the gut. He cradles Hayden’s head for his signature cradle DDT, 9:30! Lucky hooks a leg!] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

This could be it! Miles’ may get lucky after all...

 

...One! 

 

...Two!

 

...Three!

 

[DING! DING! DING!]

 

MIKE DEMPSEY

Here is your winner, Miles Lucky! 

 

[The referee holds up the right hand of Miles Lucky. The face of the winner is covered in blood from the busted nose. Lucky tries to steal the referee’s watch before he fights him off! Miles takes it off his wrist before rolling out of the ring to hold it high into the air. The crowd gives a warmer reception.]

 

PERRY WALLACE

I can’t believe he just stole that man’s watch right here in front of all. And you wonder why I choose to stay behind this plexiglass box, Eli.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I honestly… I don’t know what the fuck I’ve witnessed. Why is there a pair of boots here? And why did he just steal that man’s watch? I mean referees make like fifteen dollars a night plus a free hot dog and drink. Guarantee he could have found that same watch at Walmart if he was that desperate. But whatever, I’m going to need a hazmat team to come take these boots away before the next match. So lets go backstage while they get this shit cleaned up.

[Backstage the scene comes to life showing two scientific diagrams of the male and female anatomy taped haphazardly to an otherwise bare, white wall. Already dressed in his wrestling attire is Danny Rizzo, who quickly comes into view as the camera pans out slightly. In his hands, though, is a long retractable metal pointer and he instantly slaps it against the diagram of the male physical anatomy.]

 

DANNY RIZZO

Boys have penis.

 

[Right after, he shifts the pointer to point at the female anatomical diagram.]

 

DANNY RIZZO

Girls have vagina.

 

[He lowers the pointer and then turns his attention to the camera that frames him in the center of the shot.]

 

DANNY RIZZO

Now I know that’s probably not news to many people, but Jesus Christ if you pay attention to Jason Van Owen and Maxx Bennett you’d think they’d just discovered it. You almost wonder if they’re the retarded step siblings of Jason Cashe with the plethora of dick and fart jokes the two of them have at the ready. And hey, if tonight was a contest of kindergarten humor, those two would be sure to win. Bravo to them for that.

 

[A bit of a sarcastic chuckle rumbles up from deep within him.]

 

DANNY RIZZO

Unfortunately for them, they’re going to be stepping into the ring with two grown ass adults tonight. Now you’ve heard them cry about being shamed for who they are but sometimes, that’s what you have to do to children or grown ups who have the mental capacity of children. You have to shame them. You have to make them aware of their foolishness. I’ve tried to do that and it hasn’t worked. So what comes next when words don’t work. Leela?

 

[Leela Watts comes into the frame next in her full ring gear as well. She has a grin on her face as she looks at Danny but then frowns at what he’s got on the wall. She shakes her head.]

 

LEELA WATTS 

Well when words don’t work? You gotta put people back in their places with punches and kicks, and also some flippy cool moves that make all the people happy to see!

 

[Leela the entire time she talked was animated. Demonstrating punches and kicks and even doing a full twirl around before stopping when she made herself dizzy. She stumbled a step before looking back at the camera.]

 

LEELA WATTS 

You wanna know an animal that actually frightens me? I mean Danny already knows this but Maxx and Van Owen don’t so I’ll tell them. It’s a Venomous Snake. The worst thing you could be is a Snake and I’m noticing that’s what our opponents are. One minute they don’t want to shame me? The next that is exactly what they are doing. Saying I don’t really want to be a Tag Team Champion with you? I guess they missed the part where I’ve been dying to do that with you for months. In fact. We didn’t even sign our contracts until we knew we were ready for it but no. I don’t want to be a Champion with one of my best friends in the entire world. That is just crazy.

 

[A smirk comes across Danny’s face as he observes Leela while she speaks. When she finishes he immediately cuts back in.]

DANNY RIZZO

Almost as crazy as thinking the fact that you train together somehow makes you unique or separates you from the rest of the pack. But hey, when you’re grasping at straws you might as well take two handfuls, huh? You see, Maxx. You see, Jason. It’s not about all of the big things that every single person who tries to break into this business does. It’s not about the same things that every other tag team does just to maintain the status quo. What really matters is the little things. The things that some of us have and others don’t. So while you two were so busy focusing on all those childish things. All those silly little wise cracks. All those dick and fart jokes. All of that amazing discover that, heh, boys have penis and girls have vagina. You missed out on the one part of the human anatomy that separates the dime a dozen nobodies like you two are destined to be from the ones who find their way to the mountain top in spite of it all.

 

[Using his pointer once more, Danny slaps it on the upper torso right where the human heart is diagramed, his eyes quickly shifting back to look directly into the camera.]

 

DANNY RIZZO

It’s heart. And Leela and I? We’ve got it in bucket loads.

 

[Holding out his fist for Leela to bump, he pretends like it hurt as soon as she returns the first bump and the two return to conversing as the scene shifts elsewhere.]

[Crash! The cameraman was running up on a loud noise, the sound of a Ladder hitting the ground and clattered against the ground, still rattling as the scene cut in, Van Owen back first on the ground in his full Capt. Save-A-Ho get up, squeezing Maxx around her middle as she thrashed around everywhere! Above them was, of course, a noose hanging from a nearby support beam.]

 

VAN OWEN

Damn it, Maxx! You can't fucking kill yourself to get out of watching Star Wars!

 

[Maxx was wearing something a little more ring attire adjacent, booty shorts and a matching crop too with WH emblazoned on the front. Struggling free she stamps her left foot down with a pout.]

 

MAXX BENNETT

I already told you I aint wanna watch that shit!!

 

VAN OWEN

It's not a big deal, Maxx! Fuckin' hell, stop goddamn struggling!

 

[Finally, he was grabbing up the Blonde and hefting her over his shoulder!]

 

VAN OWEN

If I can dress as Captain Save-A-Ho, you can watch this dumb shit!

 

[Maxx lets out a dramatic scream and kicks her legs, still trying to wrestle free.]

 

MAXX BENNETT

I’d rather dieeee than watch that nerd shit! The costumes were funny, this is sad virgins jacking off in their moms basement bullshit and I WONT DO IT YOU CANT MAKE ME AHHHHH!

 

VAN OWEN

I-- look, just bring your ass. Goddamn boujee ass, I hate nerds ass, gotta be trifling and difficult ass!

 

[Grunting, Van Owen promptly moved to carry her off screen, before shouting 'may the force be with you, mother fucker!' to a concerned looking stagehand!]

[Maxx Bennett and Danny Rizzo will start this match for their respective teams. Rizzo and Max stand across the ring from each other as the referee calls for the bell!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I wish I understood the dynamic between Maxx and Jason Van Owen. Hell, I wish I understood the dynamic between Rizzo and Leela. This match is all kinds of fucked up. I’m pretty sure I saw Maxx backstage snorting coke off a beer vendors dick. Who knows. I’m sure this is all going to go swimmingly though, given that everyone got along so well before the match and weren’t critical of each others personal lives at all.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Let me tell you some of the things I’ve heard about Maxx and Mike Powers after Adrenaline one week. Between that and everything else you’ve heard about she makes Leela look like a virgin.

 

[DING!]

 

[Danny and Bennett go right at one another to end up in a grapple in the center of the ring. They swing each other around with Maxx gaining the upper hand with a sudden irish whip! Rizzo hits the ropes to come back for a big time lariat! Bennett quickly gets up only to catch a chop block from behind! Danny leaps up to quickly apply an abdominal stretch on Maxx close to Leela. Watts slaps the back of Rizzo for a tag! She glides through the ropes and begins kicking Bennett while Rizzo continues to hold on the maneuver. Jason Van Owen comes out of nowhere to hit Danny with a drop kick to the face! Danny releases Maxx and falls through the ropes and out onto the apron.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Goddamn Jason, be careful with him he’s already got brain damage clearly. 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Why are you always being mean to Danny?

 

[The referee pushes Jason towards his corner while Bennett gets back to his feet. He turns around to see Watts kick him in the gut! Van Owen bends over to catch a picture perfect jawbreaker that puts him flat on his back! Leela quickly hooks a leg!] 

 

...One! 

 

...Broken UP! 

 

[Maxx gets up still in a bit of a daze to find Leela charging at her full speed ahead! Bennett takes off to counter with a ring rattling spinebuster! The maneuver robs Watts of all her oxygen. Bennett uses this opportunity to make her way towards Van Owen in the corner. Maxx lunges forward as she approaches her partner to make the tag!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Maxx puts Leela on her back, a place they’re both completely familiar with.

 

PERRY WALLACE

If I had to guess, I’d say Leela is more of a missionary type so obviously she’s more experienced on her back than Maxx. Out of everything Mike told me, he didn’t mention Maxx on her back a single time.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Who the hell is Mike? 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Mike Powers, duh! Keep up, I already mentioned him by first and last name earlier.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Honestly, I usually stop paying attention when you talk.

 

[Van comes through the ropes as if he were on fire! Watts gets back to her feet only to be taken hold of for clinched muay thai strikes! The close quarter licks leaves Leela in a daze. She tries every way to escape with no success. Suddenly, Jason releases his hold only to swing around to catch Watts with a violent spinning back fist! Leela lands flat on her back. Owen hovers above Watts and begins similuating masterbation over her while glaring at Danny Rizzo. Danny bounces through the ropes only to catch a lariat from Maxx out of nowhere! Van Owen pins Leela!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Van Owen, simulating an act performed by thousands of teenage boys around the world to the same scene.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Whoever told him that this would be a good idea has never been laid. I’m sure there’s a script someone wrote that he’s going by because this is not how a gentleman acts.

 

...One! 

 

...Two! 

 

...Kick Out! 

 

[Jason hits the mat with frustration before sitting up. Watts leaps to her feet to catch him completely off guard! She hits the ropes on the opposite side of the ring to slingshot back at Van, who takes off at her! The two wrestlers meet in the center of the ring with Leela hitting the Lou Thesz Press before dropping two mean elbows down onto Van Owen!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

What strength shown by Leela Watts. You know, I saw Leela’s porn producer tweet something earlier tonight about Leela carrying her team to victory. If they manage to win, it sure looks like he hit that projection right on the head. Probably not the only thing he’s gonna hit tonight, either.

 

PERRY WALLACE

You need to learn how to be nice young man. She’s a girl next door, and not the type in whatever porno you’re about to name. 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Girls Next Backdoor.

 

[Leela gets off of Owen to make her way toward Danny in the corner. Jason gets up after gathering himself just in time to see the tag made between Rizzo and Watts!] 

 

[Rizzo almost snarls at Van Owen after the taunt on Leela before. The UnYielding rushes at Jason full speed ahead to take him down with a sling blade! Van leaps up only to be grappled up from behind by Rizzo for a brutal inverted atomic drop! The final top Valor Pro champion then grapples up his opponents sticks after Owen hits the mat flat on his belly. Danny adjusts his body to pull Jason to the center of the ring before applying a Texas cloverleaf!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Rizzo with another man flat on his stomach. You think he’s mistaking him for Kaven Drell?

 

PERRY WALLACE

I always thought they were more of a tummy sticks duo to be honest. 

 

[Maxx stands in the corner reaching out for Van Owen, but she may as well be in outer space. She realizes this and begins to stomp on the apron to keep her partner in this one. Danny sits further down on the back of Van Owen fully hoping to break him into two seperate pieces! Van calls Leela a whore and laughs before Danny drops down further to apply even more pressure!] 

 

[Bennett drops down off the apron after realizing Rizzo wants a tap here. Maxx rushes over to the security barrier. She coughs right in the face of a fan in the front row who runs because of these virus filled times! Maxx steals the folding chair the fan was sitting in before turning to rush back towards the ring. She slides in as Van Owen raises his right hand off the mat. Just before Van Owen is able to tap however, Maxx swings the chair with all she’s got at Danny’s head! Bennett connects to knock Rizzo senseless. Jason sighs in relief on the mat. All four wrestlers want to go on to face the Hellcats for the biggest tag team pay day in the sport anywhere today.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Okay, how is that not a disqualification? How does that make any sense at all? Jesus Christ, I’m seriously EXHAUSTED with the wrestling business being turned into a fucking Home Depot fetish advertisement.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Speaking of which, are you ever going to let little Hadley watch the videos from Genie’s days in the Home Depot division?

 

[Maxx looks at the referee after swinging the chair and not hearing a bell. It hits her suddenly that there are no rules here in Union Battleground. Bennett then begins swinging the chair down onto Danny without mercy! Leela leaps up onto the back of Maxx! She tries to throw her off with little luck. The larger wrestler drops the chair then stumbles forward two steps before falling back! Maxx sandwiches Watts between herself and the steel chair!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Nope. Not even going to say it. This one is too easy.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Let your inner Vassa out for the world to hear!

 

[Leela rolls out of the ring while Bennett stumbles back towards his corner. Danny and Van Owen remain down on the mat. The cloverleaf took its toll while the chair shots from Bennett have left Rizzo in a complete daze. Danny shakes his head and raises up while Jason comes in looking for a pin only for The UnYielding to roll him up instead!] 

 

...One! 

 

...Two! 

 

...Broken UP! 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Danny Rizzo might be a cuck, but he just outsmarted Van Owen on that one so ask yourself what that says about him.

 

PERRY WALLACE

I don’t think anyone in the world considers Van to be intelligent so Danny outsmarting him was really an easy task, for anyone. Even Raab...

 

[Bennett breaks up the pin but it was so close! Rizzo raises up to hold three fingers up at the referee in protest! The ref holds up two at him in response. Danny hits the mat with frustration while Van Owen rolls around from his opponent. Rizzo leaps up to give chase but Watts tags herself in from the apron! This appears to make Rizzo angry but he heads for the corner while Leela slithers through the ropes.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Uh oh. Is that a hint at trouble in paradise? I mean, besides the fact that she fucked his best friend behind his back. And then he fucked his best friends ex behind her back. It’s all completely normal in the wrestling business but it looks like maybe they aren’t quite as on the same page as they lead everyone to believe.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Hold on, timeout. What in the hell are you talking about right now and where can I catch this soap opera for myself?

 

[Maxx gets pushed towards her corner but she brushes past the zebra to nail Danny with a clobbering forearm in the corner! The violent shot sends Rizzo off the apron and down onto the concrete floor! Bennett glides through the ropes to give chase while Leela takes Van Owen off his feet with a sudden russian leg sweep in the background.] 

 

[Watts follows up with mounted punches on her downed opponent, Van Owen! Rizzo gains the upper hand on the outside of the ring with a spinning heel kick that knocks Maxx nearly senseless! Leela catches Jason with a sharp elbow shot in the temple that leaves him in a daze also. She rolls him close to the center of the ring. Rizzo rolls Bennett into the ring at the same time. They share a brief stare and nod leading Danny to push Maxx alongside Van Owen. Leela and Rizzo both head for the opposite corners across from each other. They each scale the top as the camera shots switch between the two. Rizzo and Watts leap off at the same exact time looking for flying headbutts! The crowd comes unglued as both take flight and miss! Both Van Owen and Maxx roll out of the way at the last possible moment.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

That would have been the end of it had they connected. It’s probably going to be the end of it now for both of them. But… wait a second what’s going on?

 

[The crowd suddenly begins to go crazy for some reason unknown to the four wrestlers that remain down inside the ring. Kaven Drell rushes through the crowd to jump over the security barrier.]

KILL! DRELL! KILL! 

 

PERRY WALLACE

OH SHIT, HERE WE GO!!!

 

[Maxx rolls out of the ring while Leela appears out on the canvas. Rizzo rises to his feet just in time to see Drell slide into the ring. Danny rushes at Kaven, who delivers a ripcord elbow shot that leaves a deep cut across the forehead of Rizzo! Drell stomps down on Danny, who appears out cold. Kaven continues kicking him until Rizzo rolls out of the ring. Drell then turns to take hold of Van Owen’s right wrist. He pulls him over on top of Danny Rizzo! The referee drops down to count!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Kaven Drell came to collect a debt tonight and he just cost Danny Rizzo and Leela Watts the interim tag team championship and a shot at the Battalion Champions. I’d say that’s one hell of a receipt left.

 

...One! 

 

...Two! 

 

...Three! 

 

[DING! DING! DING!]

 

PERRY WALLACE

Eli, I’m going to need you to fill me in on all the details revolving around this little love triangle because I did not see this coming.

 

MIKE DEMPSEY

Winners and new number one contenders for the Union Battleground Battalion Championships, Van Owen and Maxx Bennett! 

 

[Kaven Drell gets a slice of revenge, staring on patiently from the outside of the ring. Maxx Bennett and Jason Van Owen smartly roll themselves out of the ring and begin backing up the ramp, celebrating their victory and the championship opportunity against Frankenstein and Hayden that they’ve just earned for tag team wrestling’s top prize. Inside the ring, though, the scene is a lot less joyous. Leela Watts comes too and spots the busted open Danny Rizzo, who has managed to roll himself onto his side, blood dripping down off of his forehead to the canvas. Disappointment evident on her face, knowing that the opportunity that she and Danny both believed was theirs for the taking had slipped through their fingers.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Rizzo doesn’t look like he knows where he’s at. Leela looks like someone just shot her dog right in front of her. And Bennett and Van Owen got the hell out of dodge before Kaven Drell could turn his attention on them. But they’ve got other things to worry about now with a championship opportunity on the horizon. And… OH SHIT!

 

[It was only going to get worse, though, as Leela slowly helped him back to his feet. A moment later the onlooking Kaven Drell rolled himself back into the ring and looked to line Danny up with another brutal ripcord elbow to the forehead just as he had gotten back to his feet but at the last moment Leela shoved Danny out of the way and took the full brunt of the blow herself, being flattened down to the mat herself. For a moment, Kaven pauses, his eyes staring down at Leela in confusion as Rizzo rolls to his hands and knees, staring at the fallen Leela Watts with panic in his eyes. He shouts to her and then crawls in her direction but Drell intervenes, stepping to stop him from getting any closer to the blonde. Drell assists Rizzo forcefully in bringing him back to his feet, immediately Kaven latches onto Danny’s forehead, violently bringing his own skull directly down onto Rizzo’s. Not once. Not twice. But over and over against until the body of the former Valor Pro Wrestling Apex Champion crumbled to the canvas.]

 

PERRY WALLACE

Oh no, poor Leela! What have you done?!

 

KAVEN DRELL

DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU DID?!

 

[Kneeling, Drell takes a handful of Danny’s hair into his hands and twists his head roughly so that he is looking directly at the motionless body of Leela Watts. With his free hand, Drell points at her.]

 

KAVEN DRELL

You brought this on yourself. YOU DID IT! SO LET IT BURN, DANIEL. LET. IT. BURN.

 

[Pushing himself back upright, Drell pulls Danny up onto his shoulders in one fluid motion and then hoists him over the top rope, tossing him down to the outside of the ring making it perfectly clear that the bad night for Rizzo was about to get much, much worse. With a sickening thud, Rizzo slammed off of the thin cushioned mat that provided minimal protection from cold, hard concrete. Rolling himself out of the ring, Drell dropped to the floor with ease and began stalking Danny with a sinister sneer etched into his expression. Blood now found itself pouring down Rizzos face to an even greater extent than it had been. Simultaneously, Drells face was a mask of crimson but not his own as spatters of blood speckled his forehead, his cheeks and a fresh beard that had about two weeks of growth two it. In his eyes, malice twinkled as he placed a stiff boot to the back of Rizzo’s head and then began searching underneath the ring for something more fun to play with.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

This is going to get bad. Wallace, call in one of your favors with the FBI and make sure we’ve got a way out of this place if this fucking lunatic loses his mind again.

 

PERRY WALLACE

They’re already stationed out back ready to get me out of here if things get out of hand. If you admit that The Very Hungry Caterpillar is the greatest piece of literature then I will make sure they protect you as well.

 

[After a few seconds pass, Drell finds what he’s looking for and retrieves it from underneath the ring. A long, wooden table is pulled out first, followed by a small, red can with a flammable warning printed on the side and an accompanying set of matches. For good measure, Drell plants a couple more kicks to Rizzo to keep him down and then blasts him with the red can to the back of his head before turning his attention back to the table, dragging it a little farther down near where Perry Wallace (behind his plexiglass cubicle of course) and Elijah Carlson found themselves seated. A long pause happens as Drell stares at the two me, sneering in their direction as he pulled the legs out and set the table up fully. What followed next was no shock as Drell quickly emptied the contents of the red can out onto the table and then ignited the book of matches, setting it ablaze completely before tossing it down onto the table top.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

GODDAMN STOP WITH THE FIRE!

 

PERRY WALLACE

YES!!! Burn it the fuck down!

 

[In one burst of light and heat, flames erupted much to Kaven’s delight. Gleefully he sauntered down to retrieve the fallen Danny Rizzo who, as Kaven pulled him back up, tried to put up a fight but had so little left in him that there was nothing he could do as Drell hoisted him up onto his shoulders and then with a burst of speed ran and slammed him through the flaming table. The crowd, suddenly so quiet the sound of a pin dropping could be heard, stared on as ringside workers with fire extinguishers quickly put out the blaze.]

 

[Seated a few feet away, resting against the side of the ring, was a cackling Kaven Drell. Over and over again he shouted at the workers to let it burn, but of course they didn’t. The glee on Drell’s face quickly was one washed with annoyance as the voices of the commentary team reached his ears. Pushing himself up, he sulked over to the two men, staring Eli dead in the eyes for a moment before barking that he should watch his mouth or Hadley would end up fatherless. Seconds later Drells attention turned to Wallace. Approaching, Drell leaned his head forward to press it to the glass, blowing Perry a kiss before pulling his head away. Where his forehead had touched the plexiglass was left an imprint of blood, which Kaven used to draw a heart before stepping away and rolling back into the ring. There, he retrieved Leela Watts, lifting her up onto his shoulders, carrying her out of the ring, and back up the entrance ramp leaving the entire scene at ringside in chaos.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Listen, alright. I didn’t retire to have to put up with this bullshit. I’m going to need some extra security at ringside from now on.

 

PERRY WALLACE

I offered to have one of these plexiglass forts made for you and you turned me down. And yes, you heard that right. It’s a fort and you sir should be jealous.

[And of course, there Danny stood, right under a no smoking sign with a cigarette in hand because he was such a rebel and he had to do these sorts of things. Standing there proper in his boots and jeans, with his black GHB T-shirt and his Na Fianna hoodie with the Na Fianna insignia crossed out because that’s the kind of edgy he was these days. Why not, right? It was all ironic and therefore acceptable. Just like the fact that he was on his third cigarette, which was all very healthy for him in prep for this match.]

 

DANIEL MacNAMARA

It’s coming to an end, one way or the other, isn’t it?

 

[Cue dramatic and yet cool inhale of his cigarette.]

 

DANIEL MacNAMARA

I beat Bryan Williams and prove that NVR has the superior champion over Union Battlegrounds, that GHB has the superior scion that they’ve sent, or he beats me and I suppose the good guys win, hail caesar, and the lights stay on for another day.

 

[And that’s when he exhaled a plume of smoke, and flicked his cigarette aside.]

 

DANIEL MacNAMARA

That’s what they want you to believe. That if Bryan beats me, this is over. It’s not over though. It’s never fucking over. You beat me, another one pops up. We’re an infestation, a walking hive. One goes down, three more rise. Whatever you think that you’ve done to clear us out, you just cause more of us to come up in the place of the fallen. He couldn’t stop the infestation deep into the heart of Yamashi. Na Fianna couldn’t stop it, Filth Parade couldn’t stop it, The Hellcats couldn’t stop it. Does he can stop it here because we don’t have a foothold yet? I’m nothing more than a harbinger of the inevitable, the flag bearer of a freedom that will burn the world alive and turn it all into cinder.

 

[There that snort of derision was as he adjusted his hoodie, slipping his hands into his pockets.]

 

DANIEL MacNAMARA

Bryan is ready to do what no other opponent’s yet to do: go the distance. He’s willing to beat me to the point past submission, to do all of the fucked up things it takes to beat one of us. After all, it’s one tribe against the world. We’re united, instead of splintered. After tonight though, you’re going to see just how deep we infest ourselves when we’ve decided to occupy a place. After tonight? There’s no more heroes, no more company men, there’s nothing more than the flag of GHB and NVR flying high. There’s nothing more than the world that the Butcher tried to create before me.

 

[And without warning, the camera’s scene snapped black.]

MIKE DEMPSEY

The following battle is set for one fall! Introducing first, standing 5’5” and weighing in at 130 pounds, from Los Angeles, California, she is ”The Butterfly” Indi Rhyder!

KARMA, KARMA, KARMA, KARMA, KARMA CHAMELEON

YOU COME AND GO, YOU COME AND GO

♫​

['Karma Chameleon' by the Culture Club hits over the PA System, and Indi Rhyder skips out onto the stage to a pretty big ovation. She leaps back and forth along the stage, a huge bubbly smile placed upon her lips. She turns to give the camera a wink as she passes on by down the ramp, slapping hands as she goes.]

 

PERRY WALLACE

Even though she’s all the way up there, I’m pretty sure that wink was for you watching on the monitor, Eli. 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Not gonna lie. In my younger days when I was still a single man, I’d have given Indi a different kind of face paint. But now I’m happily married to the most beautiful woman in the world with two wonderful daughters and another gift from my loins on the way.

 

[The Interstellar Star Child slithers beneath the bottom rope to end up in the ring. She nods at James, who acknowledges her back in a show of respect. Rhyder then winks at Radford before climbing up on the turnbuckle in the opposite corner in order to further rile this already pumped crowd! She leaps down to wait in said corner.]

 

PERRY WALLACE

She’s a bit too happy going into this match against…

 

MIKE DEMPSEY

And her opponent, standing 6’2” and weighing in at 240 pounds, he is the former Union Battleground Champion “The Butcher” Dakota Smith!

 

PERRY WALLACE

Perfect timing, Dempsey. Not rude at all for you to cut me off mid-sentence. As I was saying, she seems a bit too happy to be stepping into the ring with The Butcher. 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Sorry what was that, Perry? I couldn’t hear you over the sounds of all that figurative deep throating you’re still doing.

 

[The finger splitting, ear shattering licks of “Your Disposal” by Cattle Decapitation bursts throughout the arena in a violent rage as the entire arena goes black. White strobe lights flicker at the entrance ramp, as a thick black smoke obscures the stage. After a few moments, Dakota appears in the middle of the smoke - as if he just materialized there. 4CW is in the house. Smith’s eyes are dead set on the ring, as the strobe light flickers, giving a slow-mo effect as he cracks his neck to the left and then to the right. As vicious snarl forms on his cracked lips, piercing through his beard he starts to march his way down to the ring.]

 

PERRY WALLACE

There he is, the man who was robbed of the Union Championship against Lyin’ Bryan Williams who was just recently called out by our retarded president on Twitter. 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

You can’t say that word without getting suspended.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Okay my niqqa.

YOU ALONE ARE YOUR DISPOSAL.

A LIFETIME OF STAINS, WASTING AWAY SLOWLY DOWN THE DRAIN.

NO MERCY, NO REPRISAL.

NO SECOND CHANCE!

[As the growl from that last line penetrates throughout the arena, Dakota begins to march down to the ring. His boot steps are heavy, and his arms twitch and tingle at his sides as he seemingly growls and argues with himself underneath his breath. The strobe light gives everything a rather abstract horror effect as the butcher lashes out some unsuspecting fans at ringside. Dakota cockily grins as he runs his fingers down one of the scars on his stomach, chuckling to himself before continuing to make his way down to the ring, a bit more aggression in his stride.]

 

PERRY WALLACE

Hey Eli, do you think Indi realizes this isn’t the time to be all happy-go-lucky.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Goddamn Perry. Be nice you fucking bully. Let someone bring a little bit of joy to this world you’re constantly sucking the life out of. Fucking Buzz Killingtons dad here on commentary with me.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Excuse me...

 

[Rolling in under the bottom rope Dakota plants his fists into the mat and pushes himself up. As he gets to his feet a deranged, almost animistic grin twists across his face. As the butcher stands in the center of the ring with his head turned down towards the mat the strobe-light ceases, just in time for him to lift his head up and let out a small chuckle. Rolling his neck around his shoulders, Dakota backs himself into his corner and takes a seat - waiting for the match to begin.]

 

[DING!]

 

PERRY WALLACE

There’s the bell, and may god have mercy on her soul.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

You never know when Dakota’s arthritis is going to flare up on him and cost him another important match. Seems to happen all the time these days.

 

PERRY WALLACE

At least he doesn’t have the alpha bitch on his plate tonight or else he’d have to hit her with eight finishers and still pull her tights to get the pin.

 

[The bell echoes throughout leading Smith to rush at Rhyder for a fast headbutt! The shot causes her to fall back into a seated position on the mat. Dakota walks right up to Indi and stomps down on her left hand that’s placed flat on the mat! Rhyder snatches her hand to her chest with an obvious broken middle finger. Smith hits the ropes directly behind him to slingshot back at Indi for a vicious knee shot! The Butcher wastes little time in going for a pin!] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

This one is over quicker than I thought.

 

...One! 

 

...Kick OUT! 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Damn, Dakota can’t even kill a butterfly anymore.

 

[Indi immediately rolls out of the ring to rethink her approach here. Dakota rolls out on the opposite side then ducks low to use the apron to get out of Rhyder’s sight. A kid in the crowd begins screaming that Smith is coming to Indi, but Dakota peers at the kid and uses a thumb across his throat to indicate shut up. The message is received. Smith continues his way around the ring before rising up right before he gets to Indi, who turns to catch him with a violent elbow! Then another! Dakota turns away from Rhyder, leading her to fall to both knees to pull at both ankles of the former champion from behind! Smith falls face first into the middle ring step! Indi attempts to regather herself while Dakota spits out two teeth!] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Dakota’s going to have the same smile as his autistic cousin now… ouch.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

But at least he’ll be able to mean it when he says WOW… READING now.

 

PERRY WALLACE

With those teeth now missing I think it’s pronounced weading.

 

[Rhyder struggles briefly to grapple Smith up around the neck to help him roll back into the ring before following behind. Indi halts her progress on the apron. She stands up to face out into the ring and watches Dakota. Smith ends up in the center of the ring, flat on his back. He winces and reaches up at his mouth for the missing teeth and to wipe the blood from his lips. Smith raises up suddenly leading Rhyder to leap up onto the top rope to springboard off at Dakota for a meteora! The Butcher’s head snaps against the canvas! Indi leaps back to her feet in a single bound to get a pop from the crowd. She then walks over to Smith to cradle up both legs before applying a figure four leg lock!] 

 

[The two wrestlers end up entangled in the center of the ring. Smith twitches while grinning at the pain he feels. Dakota scoffs at Rhyder, who ignores this entirely. She continues to apply more and more pressure. Dakota refuses to submit.] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Keep cranking down on it, I’m sure he’ll feel some displeasure eventually. 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Don’t encourage it or Tara is going to get jealous at home and cost another man his kidney.

 

[Indi continues to apply pressure while Smith leans forward as far as he can. Rhyder does the same to taunt this monster. Dakota makes her pay with a solid elbow shot that hits the mark! Indi turns as she hits the mat flat! The Butcher leaves his mark across her forehead in the form of a gash. It begins to bleed profusely. Smith staggers up still feeling the effects of the meteora. He reaches down to take hold of Rhyder around the neck with both heads. Smith dead lifts the Interstellar Star Child for a chokeslam! The entire ring shakes as he falls down alongside Indi to hook a leg!] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

WOW THE CHOKINATOR!!!

 

...One! 

 

...Two! 

 

Kick Out! 

 

PERRY WALLACE

No way she kicks out with a normal count!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Hold up. What the fuck is a chokinator?

 

PERRY WALLACE

It’s a maneuver so devastating that it makes anyone watching piss their nappies instantly.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Do you think jet fuel melts plexiglass? Because I’m really getting tempted to find out.

 

[Smith gets back to his feet quickly to argue the count. The ref brushes it off. Dakota sets his sights back to Rhyder quickly. He walks over slowly to bend down and grapple her back to somewhat of a vertical base. Smith then delivers a wicked back hand chop! Then another! Dakota comes in with a headbutt that sends Rhyder into the corner back first. Smith twitches as he makes his way over to her. He leans back back to come in with a final decisive back hand chop!]

 

[Dakota hoists up the smaller Rhyder onto the top turnbuckle. Rhyder kicks out with both feet to nail Smith in the chest! It sends him back, leading her to leap up on the top rope from a seated position to springboard off at Smith for a diving spear! The maneuver robs The Butcher of all the air in his lungs while Indi hooks a leg!] 

 

...One! 

 

...Two! 

 

... Kick Out! 

 

PERRY WALLACE

I have to give the girl some credit. She didn’t get the three there but she’s brought a fight to The Butcher more than I expected.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Build up a lot of endurance with as many trips to Coachella as she’s made. I’m surprised you’re not more of a fan, Perry. Pretty sure she could hook you up with the best LSD you’ve ever had.

 

PERRY WALLACE

I have never touched drugs in my life… not once.

 

[Rhyder hits the mat with frustration after the kick out at two and three quarters. Smith raises up with his eyes wide in shock. She almost got him, fair and square. Dakota shakes it off quickly to get back up. Indi goes to push herself up off the mat only to be stomped back flat on the mat! The Butcher has come for his pound of flesh. Smith kicks Indi directly in the face! Then again! Dakota places his right foot across the throat of Rhyder without mercy. The crowd boos as Smith steps on the throat with all his weight. Indi clutches at her throat then rolls out of the ring almost as if by mistake. She ends up in a pile alongside the apron on the outside floor!] 

 

[Dakota makes his way across the ring to the farthest side of the ring from Rhyder to wait. Indi rolls around on the floor in real pain. She manages to push herself up to one knee somehow. Rhyder then wobbles to both feet and swings around to see Smith charging right at her from across the ring. She reaches up to grab hold of the middle rope just as Dakota dives! Indi pulls herself up with perfect timing to catch Smith diving between to top and middle ropes! The sudden shot sends him back into the ring, flat on his back!] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

She’s got Dakota down and needs to capitalize if she intends keeping him down for three seconds.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

With a guy like Dakota, who enjoys being punished like Laughlin did with Sadie, you’ve got to stay on him and keep hurting him until his body gives out on him. The man is so brain damaged he doesn’t remember safe words anymore.

 

[The Butterfly struggles to get back into the ring. Smith appears out cold with her slow to regain momentum.  Rhyder rolls back in to crawl slowly toward Dakota. The crowd goes wild as she takes her shot right now. Indi hooks a leg to push both of The Butcher’s shoulders flush against the mat!] 

 

...One! 

 

...Two! 

 

..Kick OUT! 

 

PERRY WALLACE

As much as it pains me to say this, I just don’t know how much more Dakota can take before she lucks up and scores the pinfall.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

You only get so many chances and you’ve got to make the most of them. As much shit as I give Dakota for being old and broken down, you can only let him hang around so long before he makes you pay for it.

 

[Smith gets back up to find Rhyder hitting the mat with pure frustration. He takes off her full speed ahead! Rhyder swings around while simultaneously standing up to catch a violent european uppercut from The Butcher! Indi staggers back, but does not go down. Dakota rushes in to cradle her up for a brutal cut throat neckbreaker that wows the audience. Smith gets back up to stare down Rhyder from above. Indi looks up at him and immediately begins to push herself up off the mat. Smith backs into the ropes to come forward fast at Indi for a knee to the face! The shot sends Rhyder flush on the mat.] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

I don’t know what kind of stuff Indi’s into but I can guarantee that isn’t the type of facial she was expecting this evening.

 

[Dakota circles his prey briefly before bending down to hoist up Indi. He adjusts for a full nelson lift into a knee strike to the back of Rhyder’s skull! GOREWHORE! Smith drops down to pin Indi slowly as if to further taunt.] 

 

...One! 

 

...Two! 

 

...Three! 

 

PERRY WALLACE

There you fucking have it!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Indi had her chances she just never quite seemed to be able to make the most of them. And like I said, with Dakota even at this stage in his career, when you’ve got the chance to put him away you have to do it. Otherwise he’ll break you in half like he just did to Indi. Let that be a lesson learned to anyone watching backstage.

 

[DING! DING! DING!]

 

MIKE DEMPSEY

Here is your winner, ”The Butcher” Dakota Smith! 

 

[The referee comes in to hold Dakota’s hand high in victory! The Butcher pulls his hand away almost immediately. He walks over to Indi and begins stomping down on her while laughing hysterically. The referee comes in to stop the assault only to catch an elbow for his troubles. The violent lick sends the zebra to the mat in a pile. The Butcher reaches up and carefully wipes his hand across his lips. He then holds the hand out in front of his body to see the blood. This enrages him further leading him to give Indi an extra stomp.]

 

PERRY WALLACE

Ouch! No Dakota, she’s already dead!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

At least he’s not trying to steal the referee’s watch.

 

[The crowd boos furiously as Dakota gives that thousand-yard stare out into the crowd. Just then, the boos transform into cheers as Dick Devereaux emerges from the crowd and slides into the ring undetected! He raises a clenched fist in the air which reveals it’s wrapped in barbed wire glistening in the limelight! Dakota has a subtle look of confusion and just as he circles around to investigate why the sudden cheers, Devereaux bull rushes toward him and flattens him with his signature Homing Missile spear! The crowd erupts as Devereaux mounts his foe and begins raining down a flurry of punches with the barbed wire wrapped fist!]

 

PERRY WALLACE

Someone get The Butcher knockoff out of here! All he can do is attack Dakota from behind and he’s proved my point once again.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Perry shut up before you end up starring in a reboot of Mya Denton’s favorite clown movie featuring Devereaux’s pal Squirtle. Or Squiggly. Or whatever the fuck his name is.

 

PERRY WALLACE

No one is worried about him and his insane clown posse. I bet the bunch of them working together can’t figure out how to spell Butcher Lite’s last name.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Just don’t say I didn’t warn you when you end up doing your best Leela Watts impersonation with his buddies.

 

[While the crowd continues to cheer fanatically, Devereaux finally lets off with the punches and stands over Smith to start stomping away at the now bloodied Dakota’s head. After the series of kicks, Devereaux relinquishes his attack and rolls out of the ring and disperses back into the crowd. While surrounding fans cheer and try to pat him on the shoulder and back, Devereaux points at Dakota and though it’s inaudible, you can clearly figure out that he’s letting him know that this war isn’t over between the two of them.]

 

PERRY WALLACE

He isn’t going to know how to act when he’s forced to step inside the ring with Dakota instead of blindside attacking him.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

They’ve been in the ring together before you dumb fuck. I don’t know that it’ll turn out any different than it did last time, but I don’t know that Dick Devereaux cares. By the time Dakota is done with him, though, he might wish he never had kept this shit going. Only time will tell.

 

PERRY WALLACE

I meant alone in the ring with Dakota and no clowns tagging along. Which I understand can be difficult for him. Anyway, I think it’s a good idea to get the cleaning crew out here to clean this shit up.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

They might as well just stay out here at this point with how this whole night has gone. While they’re busy doing that, we’re going to take a break and see you all again in a few moments for our main event of the evening between Bryan Williams and OI OI OI Connor Macnamara. I’m sure nothing fucking retarded is going to happen in this match. Just good, clean wrestling with no outside involvement or fuckery at all. So stay tuned!

[Static fills the screen as we cut away from ringside. Visual glitches are seen as the audio pops in and out. Eventually the static settles, as we are left with a dark room.]

 

BRYAN WILLIAMS
Hello.

 

[A light turns on, as Bryan pulls down on the cord to the ceiling light. We’re in a small room, trapped here with Bryan. It’s exaggerated by the camera angle, fisheye and stuck right in Bryan’s face.]

 

[He smiles.]

 

BRYAN WILLIAMS
It has been a while. Not long enough for you all to miss me though.

 

[Bryan pauses, looking around the room.]

 

BRYAN WILLIAMS
Say, how about that match? Boy, Dakota and Indi sure can go. You know, if I was a betting man I’d say about now there should be a challenger to my title. Normally I don’t go this long without having some sort of challenger.

 

[Bryan pauses again.]

 

BRYAN WILLIAMS
James was great and all, but I don’t see him fighting for a chance at my title any time soon. I think Dakota is still a bit busy, distracted.

 

[A smirk appears on Bryan’s face.]

 

BRYAN WILLIAMS
I guess that would leave my ol’ pal Indi next on the list. Considering how she’s been in the ring since we last faced, I wouldn’t be surprised.

 

[Bryan chuckles.]

 

BRYAN WILLIAMS
Not why I’m here though. I’m sure you’re all ready for the big match, right? NVR comes walking into our territory, in the form of Daniel MacNamara. I must say, Danny has done quite well for himself in our neck of the woods. You know, for someone who likes to tout themselves as a “NVR exclusive” he sure does like to do his dirty work here.

 

[Bryan pauses, again.]

 

BRYAN WILLIAMS
I won’t try to hold that against him, I won’t be surprised if you don’t though. No, I imagine you all are ready to let him know what you really think about him. After all, he's done some real heinous things lately. Hell, I know a few people who would just love to get their hands on him…

 

[Bryan plays coy, chuckling to himself again.]

 

BRYAN WILLIAMS
No tricks here, Danny! I promise! You can bring all your GHB buddies too, I won’t mind. I got nobody waiting in the back for you. No, this is going to be all taken care of by my hands.

 

[Bryan looks down at his hands, the camera glitches and we see him wearing the mask. He holds his hands up to the camera, they’re covered in blood. The scene glitches back out, Bryan is back to normal.]

 

BRYAN WILLIAMS
I’m sure you’re confident in your abilities to stand with me, but tonight is going to be a bit different for you. A different experience than what you’ve been incurring as of late. You see, Danny, I have no qualms in gutting you. Pulling your insides out and watching you squirm. I’m going to make this as difficult for you as possible. As uncomfortable as possible, because it’s what you deserve.

 

[Bryan smiles.]

 

BRYAN WILLIAMS
Let’s face it! You’ve had this coming now, and it only took you about a week to accrue this wrath. The carnage that’s going to be served by yours truly will have a receipt written out by those you once cared about the most. It’ll be watched by Union loyalists all over the Battleground Network! You will be laughed at by those who despise you the most in NVR.

 

[Again, he chuckles.]

 

BRYAN WILLIAMS
I can’t imagine that you have many allies there right now.

 

[Bryan sighs, clapping his hands together.]

 

BRYAN WILLIAMS
Get ready, Danny! The show’s about to start very… very soon.

 

[Bryan reaches up, pulling the cord as the light goes out. Back to darkness, we cut away from this scene.]

[Somewhere within the arena lurks none other than THE Willie Pete. We’re using the term ‘lurk’ because it’s intended to make him sound like a dangerous creature waiting to strike. Whether or not that resonates with the fans is still yet to be revealed. Nonetheless, he’s lurking. Be afraid! Surprisingly, Bobby Benson is nowhere to be found. Probably because Bobby’s look and loud mouth don’t really lend themselves to ‘lurking’. Surprisingly, for a lurker, our hero, THE Willie Pete looks a little sad.]

THE WILLIE PETE
It’s been a while now since I’ve been face to face with Brodie. Not sure whether or not we’ll see her again beneath the Union banner. It’s a shame really, isn’t it? She was fifty percent the reason I joined this pleasant little promotion. Maybe we’ll see her again, but only time will reveal that bit of truth.

[Lurk. Lurk. Lurk. Willie’s making his way down a corridor and it doesn’t seem clear where he’s headed. Wandering aimlessly, maybe.]

THE WILLIE PETE
Then there’s the other fifty percent of the reason I’m here. That will be revealed soon enough, a bit of revenge perhaps? A touch of the bloody vendetta say? Or maybe I’m here for the palatial locker rooms and food service? This could all be a ruse, in fact, what if everything we see and hear is a ruse? Ah, well, that would be venturing into rambling Daniels-Mathews territory and we can’t have that, now can we? All will be revealed soon enough.

[FLASH and the lights come up. Willie’s confronted by Bobby Benson.]

BOBBY BENSON
Willie! Baby! I’ve been looking for you forever! We need to get back up front pronto! Social distancing fan meet and great! It’s like meeting women who want to flash their tits at you in a cattle run! Hurry up!

[Willie nods his approval.]

THE WILLIE PETE
Let’s have at it, then!

[With that said, the two leave the scene together, abandoning any lurking in favor of the want for fans to fawn all over them. This is the life of a professional wrestler, one minute you’re lurking and the next, some bimbo named Bunnie is asking you to sign her bolt on giant tits.]

MIKE DEMPSEY

The following battle is scheduled for one fall and is for the Union Battleground Warhorse Championship! Introducing first, the challenger, standing 5’7” and weighing in at 135 pounds, from Fascination Street, she is ”The Muse” Anna Daniels!

 

[Darkness falls on the arena because this is how the best wrestling entrances start. The Teemba edit of Solid Space’s “A Darkness In My Soul” begins to play much to the bemusement of the crowd. It plays for a bit, building up through the somewhat extended intro before the top of the ramp is swept with light revealing Anna Daniels! Hurray!]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Welp, Anna Daniels is getting another chance at success here in Union Battleground after falling short against the fucking lunatic you all saw out here a few minutes ago in the Trench War Champion Kaven Drell. Hopefully she’ll remember she can apparently bend space and time and take care of business on this earth of the Union Battleground Multiverse.

 

PERRY WALLACE

I’m still a little lost on this whole bending space and time thing. Care to explain in dummy terms for me?

INTO THE WILD

THOUGHTS OF AN

UNEARTHLY CHILD

PLANTS AND ANIMALS

[Anna, to her credit, stands proudly amongst the otherwise dark arena and soaks in the crowd’s reaction, whatever it may be, before giving a side eye to the ring. Making her way down the ramp, she walks as if she’s in a trance while occasionally doing one theatrical gesture or another. In fact, she takes her sweet ass time in doing so because the (Time) Lord doesn’t have to rush for your plebs. You wait for the (Time) Lord. She wipes her feet on the apron oh-so-nicely… before exploding between the ropes and in the ring like an absolute loon.]

 

MIKE DEMPSEY

And her opponent, the champion, standing 6’ even and weighing in at 205 pounds, from Shaniko, Oregon, he is the fighter that burns hot and can barely be contained, he is the reigning, defending, undisputed Union Battleground Warhorse Champion, THE Willie Pete!

 

[The unmistakable sound of hastily generated 1980’s montage music can be heard as “You’re the Best Around” by Joe Esposito hits. Follow that with some sweet eighties laser beams shooting around the audience, you’ve got yourself a guy in his forties who just can’t seem to let go of his childhood.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I think it’s great that Hartman has gone on to bigger and better things since you closed 4CW for the safety of others, Perry. I didn’t even know he had the ability to wrestle so this is pretty cool.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Gabriel Hartman is a man of many talents but wrestling is not one, unless you count wrestling a raccoon for a half eaten chicken wing. I hate to be the one to break it to you Eli but that is not Hartman, that’s Willie Pete!

TRY TO BE BEST

‘CAUSE YOU'RE ONLY A MAN

AND A MAN'S GOTTA LEARN TO TAKE IT

TRY TO BELIEVE

THOUGH THE GOING GETS ROUGH

THAT YOU GOTTA HANG TOUGH TO MAKE IT

[Pete doesn’t really care what anyone thinks as he steps through the entrance out onto the stage. He stands before the crowd, trying to remember whether or not he turned the oven off, before he makes his way down the ring ramp.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

He used to be a lot more friendly though. I guess success has really gone to his head. 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Out of all the years I have worked with Hartman, I have never seen him spend a single penny. I know the rumor going around is that I didn’t pay him but I did, and with benefits. Hartman is sitting on a pile of cash like Scrooge McDuck.

TRY YOUR BEST TO WIN THEM ALL

AND ONE DAY TIME WILL TELL

WHEN YOU'RE THE ONE THAT'S STANDING THERE

YOU'LL REACH THE FINAL BELL!

YOU'RE THE BEST!

AROUND!

[Once Willie gets to the ring, he climbs the ring steps and casually enters the ring. Casually, like he’s going into the kitchen to make a sandwich, or going into the bathroom to take a shit, casual. He’s so calm, it’s ridiculous. Once it’s clear that he’s one hundred percent prepared and has made peace with the fact that he may soon kill someone, he crosses himself. Willie looks over at Anna, who pays him little attention.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Here we go, our first real championship match of the evening because even though the card said that tag match was for the interim tag team championships, that ring announcer guy said it was just a number one contenders match. I don’t know. Shit rarely makes sense anywhere in this business.

 

PERRY WALLACE

What exactly is an interim tag team champion? You either are or you ain’t, there’s no gray area here. Until someone beats my dad and his girlfriend the champs stay the champs, period.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Well in the mixed martial arts industry, an interim champion is usually named when the regular champion is going to be out for some time with an injury. So, I don’t know. Maybe Ana sprained her pinky toe getting off the couch for a new bag of cheeto’s.

 

[DING!]

 

[Anna and Willie approach each other slowly in the center of the ring. Pete comes in with a knife edge chop! The shot rocks Daniels, but she comes back with a solid spinning heel kick! Willie slightly stumbles back before coming back for a clothesline that Anna ducks! Pete hits the ropes to bounce back at Daniels for a step up enziguri! Willie then hooks a leg quickly after winning the first exchange.] 

 

...One! 

 

...Kick Out! 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

In another universe, Hartman actually just retained his championship right there. But here, Anna went back and time and in this moment she remembered to kick out. Swear to god it’s true.

 

PERRY WALLACE

If she can really go back in time I will gladly pay her handsomely to go back and kill the mothers of all the little pissbabies who have filled their diapers on the timeline.

 

[Anna rolls away after the pin to end up on the apron. She quickly leaps up using her speed almost immediately against the larger champion. Willie gets to one knee before standing up and swinging around just in time to see Daniels springboard off the top rope from the apron at him! Anna connects with a spike hurricanrana!] 

 

[Willie is slow to get up, but Daniels catches him with a back spring elbow just as he gets back to one knee that connects flush against his jaw! Daniels quickly drops down alongside the champion to hook a leg!] 

 

...One! 

 

...Kick OUT! 

 

[Both wrestlers roll to their feet to face down each other down once more. Pete takes off at Daniels for a clothesline that connects at the ropes! Anna holds onto Willie causing both wrestlers to fall over the top rope to bounce off the apron and end up on the unforgiving outside floor.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I don’t get why that happens so much. Like, how are you not meticulous enough in your maneuvers that you actually fuck yourself up with a clothesline as bad as your opponent gets fucked up. Like it’s not that hard to not fall over the top rope, even if they try and grab onto you.

 

PERRY WALLACE

I’m still waiting for you to answer my question weeks ago about how tables magically get placed underneath rings as if they’re even remotely needed at ringside. That’s a question I have asked myself for years and no one has been able to justify it for me.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I don’t know, Perry. I’ve only ever wrestled. I haven’t ever run a company and been responsible for making sure rings are properly put together. So you would know better than I do about why random shit finds its way underneath the ring.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Me? Oh no thanks, I have people for that kind of blue collar work.

 

[Pete and Daniels both hit the floor hard. They struggle to gather themselves but Willie is the first to get back to both feet. The champion wastes little time in getting back to the task at hand, Anna. He bends down to grapple her up. Once Willie gets her back to a vertical base, Anna begins throwing fists! The combination of punches catches Pete off guard and he tries to cover up with little success. Daniels backs him up until he trips over the bottom ring step to fall onto his back. The Muse then leaps up on the middle step to build some height for a double foot stomp that misses! Pete rolls out of the way at the last possible moment.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Damn, I think she literally wanted to kill Hartman there. What do you expect out of a timecat, though? Cats are moody enough as is, I imagine the jet lag from time travel only makes it worse.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Wasn’t sweetie obsessed with a TV show about people traveling in time? You know, back before she faked her husbands death? If Anna only knew this I’m positive she would have chosen a different approach with this whole back to the future bit.

 

[The champion slowly rises to his feet. Daniels rushes at him only to catch a forearm face rake! Willie quickly cradles up Anna for a double underhook piledriver! The two wrestlers end up in front of the commentators table. Pete looks over at the table with both men shaking their heads at Willie’s potential future plans. Willie laughs before bending down to cradle up Daniels, who catches him with a back elbow to his crotch! The low blow sends Pete down to both knees to give the challenger a bit of breathing room. Eli and Perry both point and laugh at the fail which enrages the champion.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Hahaha poor Hartman. That’s got to be as bad as the time he got caught getting head from Kaysie in the locker room while you were out in the ring in one of your two hour segments, eh Perry?

 

PERRY WALLACE

I thought that was Jimmy?! I’ll be honest with you, I was happy to hear that cunt died.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Surprised she didn’t tweet a thot picture about it.

 

[Daniels gets up to look down onto Pete, who remains on one knee. Willie looks over to see an Ipad sitting on the table. He reaches over quickly to snatch it up! Pete swings it up at Anna to catch her in the face! The tablet breaks instantly! Small pieces of glass from the screen end up embedded in her face. Pete stands up while Daniels attempts to wipe the glass from her face, but it only digs the small shards in deeper. The champion cradles her up looking for a powerbomb! Willie picks her up and at the highest point, Anna drops a solid elbow into the center of the champion’s forehead! She also adjusts her body during the powerbomb to end up with both arms around the back of his head. Daniels turns the powerbomb into a facebuster onto the table! The crowd pops at the display of athleticism during the mid air counter! Both wrestlers end up in the remains of the table.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

What the fuck that’s my goddamn table. WHERE THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO PUT MY DRINK NOW?!

 

PERRY WALLACE

THERE IT IS!!! There’s your inner Vassa I was asking about earlier!

 

[The table is now demolished while the big screen replays the counter over and over. Daniels is the first to stir. Her face is now covered in blood after being hit with the tablet. Pete shakes his head, attempting to figure out how that just happened. The commentators are pissed because once again they have no table.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

This is bullshit. I’m calling my wife and having her file a complaint with HR for me. Deal with this commentary for me.

 

PERRY WALLACE

I don’t think that’s a good idea leaving me out here alone with these animals. 

 

[Daniels begins to crawl out of the splintered remains of the table and back towards the ring. The champion finally begins to show some life. He peers up to see the replay to finally realize what happened. Willie shakes it off then makes it up to one knee. Anna continues to crawl wanting to take the fight back inside the ring. Pete stumbles up to both feet to give chase. Daniels makes it to the apron and uses the edge to pull herself up. She struggles but manages to get back into the ring just as Willie reaches her.] 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Hello, yes. Gen? Hey. I need you to do me a… no I’m not going to bring pickle chips home with me. No. GEN FUCKING LISTEN GODDAMNIT!

 

PERRY WALLACE

I’ll get door dash to bring you some princess!

 

[Both wrestlers end up back in the ring. Anna struggles to see after being hit with the tablet. She gets to her feet and bends over briefly. The champion catches her from behind with a running one arm bulldog! Willie quickly flops down alongside her to make the pin!] 

 

...One! 

 

...Kick Out! 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I’m sorry baby I didn’t mean to raise my voice I’m just having a rough night okay. Fucking Hartmans stupid face just broke my table and now I have nowhere to set my drink. And this is REALLY a stressful time for me and I just need you to… Gen…. Gen… Hello?.... HELLO? Oh fuck no this bitch did not just hang up on me.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Oh look at that, she’s calling her papa!

 

[Pete gets to back his feet as does the challenger, The Muse. Willie comes right at her and realizes her eyesight is not great now. He rushes in only to catch a swift kick from Anna! Then another! Daniels begins working Pete towards the corner with a punch and kick combinations. She works him into the corner then attempts to irish whip him into the far corner, but Willie counters with an irish whip of his own! Willie sends Daniels into the far corner, where she turns slightly before impact to hit back first! Pete follows up by taking off full speed ahead right at her! He hits her with his signature knee strike in the corner! Daniels falls forward onto the mat which leads the champion to bend down to go for a quick pin only to be rolled up by Anna!] 

 

....One! 

 

...Two! 

 

...Kick Out! 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Haha imagine getting beaten by a roll up. Remember that time Elite Aidan got hit with like six billion finishers from Dakota and wouldn’t stay down? Hartman reminds me a lot of her.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Insert arm flex emoji and googoo fuck me twitter lesbian eyes.

 

[Willie kicks out at the last possible moment. The crowd pops while Pete realizes with wide eyes how close he just came to losing his championship. Daniels manages to get up to one knee with a smirk across her face. Pete has tried to kill her during this championship match but has yet to succeed in this endeavor.] 

 

[Pete gets up and comes right at Anna again, who counters with a spinning heel kick that hits the mark! The sudden kick sends the champion flat on his back. Daniels still can’t see clearly but finds the turnbuckles in the corner and immediately begins to scale them. She climbs all the way to the top. The suspense throughout continues to build as she leaps off the top turnbuckle corkscrew shooting star press that she transitions in mid air to a twisting leg drop! Pete rolls out of the way at the last possible moment! Miss! Daniels crashes and burns on the canvas while the champion staggers up.] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Okay so I guess maybe now people will stop going to the top rope. I mean, who do these people think they are? Me?

 

PERRY WALLACE

If they were pretending to be you, they’d climb the screen and jump off as if there was a pool underneath. I can name five people here tonight I wish would do that into a pool filled with concrete.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I can too but it would just be a list with your name on it five times.

 

[Pete ends up hovering above Anna, who remains flat on her back in pain. The champion delivers a standing moonsault that wows the crowd! Willie quickly gets up to continue this assault with a double footstomp down on the challenger!] 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Perry, I think Hartman is on steroids. You should probably sit down and have a talk with him.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Fuck that, I made the mistake of reaching for a fry on his plate one day and nearly got my finger bitten off.

 

[Willie rushes over to the corner while Daniels struggles to cut up. Blood trickles down her face from all the tiny cuts. Glass in her eyes have left her essentially blind, but she doesn’t seem to care much. All this woman wants to do is fight. Pete climbs the turnbuckles in the corner until he reaches the top. Anna staggers up to face away from the champion before slowly turning, leading him to leap off the top for a violent missile drop kick! Daniels nearly turns a complete flip in the air after the lick! Pete gets up quickly to get back to his opponent. Anna fights at him but he uses a knee to the gut to halt that. Pete taunts her with an air jerk with his right arm and hand before delivering his Golden Star Powerbomb! The champion falls down alongside Daniels to hook a leg!] 

 

...One! 

 

...Two! 

 

...Three! 

 

[DING! DING! DING!]

 

MIKE DEMPSEY

Here is your winner AND STILL the Union Battleground Warhorse Champion, THE Willie Pete! 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I don’t believe it. Somehow Gabe Hartman is still the War Horse champion. Will Anna Daniels ever get another title shot again? I think whatever she uses to travel through space and time isn’t functioning properly because, damn. Or maybe on another timeline she just won the War Horse championship. Maybe none of this is even real. Maybe it’s all just a dream. 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Her time traveling machine is broke like the ice cream machine at McDonald’s. If she really could travel in time she would have been prepared to counter that and score the pinfall herself. Makes you think what’s really going on up there in that little brain of hers.

 

[Willie stands up breathing heavy as the referee hands him the championship. Pete holds both arms high with his title above his head. The crowd gives a mixed reaction while medical staff come in to check on Daniels.] 

[The cameras cut to the car park where Indi Rhyder is sitting on the steps to the Commodore, surrounding the area are several members of ‘The Fam’ who seem to be watching Indi closely. She grins at the camera and reaches her hands up, wiggling her fingers in a spirit finger style before letting out a loud sigh.]

 

INDI RHYDER

I hear our dear friend Williams is skulking about in the dark looking for a challenger, it’s almost as though he forgot I already earned that right… silly boy, don’t you know the more you try to avoid the inevitable the faster it comes at you?

 

[She slaps her hands down into her lap and begins to giggle, as the giggle builds it seems to morph into something darker and her eyes dart towards ‘The Fam’ before that calm expression glides over her face and she looks at peace once more.]

 

INDI RHYDER

But… we know Bryan, she knows. That we deserve the BIG stage, that you are finally going to get a challenger one on one, who can pry that thing from your hands… it’s not about Saving the company anymore.. no no no. It’s about… fate. Kismet. Destiny!

 

[Indi gets a little breathy as she speaks, rolling her head back and twirling some hair around her fingers. She seems to forget she’s even mid speech for a beat or two, the galactic princess going a little space cadet. One of the bystanders bangs his hand on the side of The Commodore and that seems to bring Indi back to the present.]

 

INDI RHYDER

You can’t escape us, Bryan Williams. Eventually she comes for everyone and your time, is almost up.

 

[With those parting words Indi hops up to her feet and disappears inside her home on wheels, leaving the camera to cut back elsewhere.]

MIKE DEMPSEY

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for the Main Event of the evening! The following battle is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, standing 6’3” and weighing in at 179 pounds, from Armagh, Northern Ireland, he is the reigning and undisputed NVR Wrestling World Champion, Daniel MacNamara!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

OI! OI! OI! OI! OI! OI! OI!

 

PERRY WALLACE

Wait a second Eli, that’s not Kaelan. Please tell me there isn’t another person here who speaks in oi. I’d rather just kill myself.

Daniel MacNamara - Theme Song
00:00 / 00:00

[Daniel appears on the stage with his championship as “Bring Me The Disco King” by David Bowie and James Maynard hits throughout. MacNamara gets the crowd riled up almost immediately. Boo’s come down as he almost struts to the ring. MacNamara walks up the rings steps before gliding between the ropes to take center stage.] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Jesus Christ a goddamn soulless ginger. Lord please help us all and eradicate him and his kind from existence. Thank you and god bless. 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Did you have a stroke there? I swear for a moment you said you wanted to irradiate him from existence. Was it bells palsy? Good thing there’s a few second delay and that shit could be covered up quick huh.

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN IT WAS A LONG RUN

 SHOOK MY HEAD AND MY WAY HOME. 

BUT WHEN I TURNED I LAID MY EYES ON A DIRTY ANGEL WITH A BROKEN HALO.

SPIRITS LEAD ME TO THE OTHER SIDE

MIKE DEMPSEY

And his opponent, standing 6’2” and weighing in at 219 pounds, from New York, New York, he is the reigning and undisputed Union Battleground Champion, Bryan Williams!

Bryan Williams - Theme Song
00:00 / 00:00

GINGER, THIS IS SARAH.

PICK UP IF YOU'RE THERE.

I'M AT THIS PLACE ON PICO BOULEVARD CALLED TECH NOIR...

♫​

[The introduction of the song is sudden, we hear an ominous tone that follows the Terminator line. The keys are dragged out, lingering in the air as the song gets to a slow start. Seconds pass, as a backing track is finally introduced along with the lengthy notes. Eventually, after a minute, the song really kicks into gear. Neon strobe lights flash along with the beat, a shadowy figure keeps in the darkness. Slowly, we see Bryan Williams methodically walk out from the back. Williams wears the top trophy in Union Battleground around his waist. He's dressed for a fight, his jacket covering his torso and his baseball bat in hand. It rests comfortably on his shoulder as it keeps its dangerous message. The wolf mask on his head stays contrasted with the neon lights and the darkness. Bryan keeps his head low, as the song continues to play along. The techno beat ramps up more and more, as the lights around him shimmer and dance.]

 

PERRY WALLACE

Well look who it is everyone! It’s my best good friend Bryan Williams and he’s come here tonight to ruin each and every bit that he crosses.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Like the bit where you and Dakota were going to embarrass Union Battleground by lording that title all over 4CW only for 4CW to end up closed, Dakota to end up without a title, and you to end up on commentary here? 

 

PERRY WALLACE

One, don’t hate because I was one of the first in this country to take action and close up shop before things got as bad as they are here. Two, leave it to little Dick to jump in where he doesn’t belong to cost Dakota the match. And three, I was basically begged to come to the booth so you can suck it my friend. I’d much rather be at home with my face buried between my wife’s ass cheeks.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I recorded that last sentence for Hadley so she can hear what you said when I asked you if you wanted to come visit her.

 

PERRY WALLACE

What the fuck?!

 

[The song continues to play, as Bryan stands on the top of the ramp. With his head down, Bryan lets the baseball bat fall from his shoulder, the weight of the bat being pulled towards the ground. His head snaps forward, as he slowly begins to make his way down towards the ring.]

 

[Williams props his bat up against the ring steps, then climbs the steps to glide through the ropes. This crowd stands behind this guy firmly. The two men each hold up their respective world championships to rile this crowd further. The referee takes both titles before calling for the bell!] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Care to explain to me the significance of that geometry class championship being featured on the show tonight? You know I can’t get behind this bullshit.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

It’s a champion versus champion showcase, Perry. You booked me in enough of those bullshit matches I would think you’d understand.

 

PERRY WALLACE

I did book you in a good bit of those with actual championships that matter and have prestige. Name one time I booked you in the math club. I’ll wait.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

This match isn’t about me. It’s about this RED HOT BATTLE that’s about to kick off between Daniel Macnamara and Bryan The Leviachicken Williams

 

PERRY WALLACE

I hope it ends in a double suicide.

 

[DING!]

 

[The two champions circle one another slowly. Then like a switch, both come forward throwing punches! The crowd comes unglued for this pay per view caliber match up! The two wrestlers swap blows briefly before MacNamara uses a knee to the gut! Bryan bends over and Daniel cradles him up for a fisherman suplex! MacNamara then quickly goes for a pin!] 

 

...One! 

 

...Kick Out! 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Why is it that every match someone tries to score a pin within the first minute and then acts surprised when the other person kicks out after the weak attempt? I mean I know the majority of them are glorified geometry wrestlers but come on.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

They must not be very good at geometry or they’d have the angle needed to apply the appropriate amount of pressure to an opponent's shoulders down pat.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Nice one!

 

[Both men leap up to their feet after the quick kick out with Williams catching Daniel with a wicked superkick out of nowhere! Bryan immediately rushes over to MacNamara to follow up by hoisting up the NVR Champion. He gets Daniel back to a vertical base before Irish whipping him into the ropes. Bryan hits the ropes on the opposite side looking for a clothesline but MacNamara ducks it! Daniel bounces off the ropes on the opposite side of the ring to slingshot back at Williams! MacNamara nails Bryan with a pele kick that hits the mark!] 

 

[Daniel rolls to his feet to come up alongside Williams, who remains down. He cradles up Bryan for a German suplex that MacNamara holds through! Daniel stands up again while never releasing his hold on Williams. He again German suplexes Union’s top champion! MacNamara holds through once more and stands up while Bryan appears in a daze. Williams eyes widen as he is thrust backwards for a final and decisive German suplex! MacNamara hooks a leg!] 

 

...One! 

 

...Kick Out! 

 

PERRY WALLACE

You’re not going to see me get behind Williams very often in a match but I hope he destroys this ginger nobody. I will be nice to him forever if he did and he would do the world a great service.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

That’s a damn lie and you and I both know it. 

 

PERRY WALLACE

I SWEAR!!! I would be so nice to him if he killed this ginger kid in the ring here tonight.

 

[Williams kicks out at one and a half before rolling out of the ring. He falls off the side of the apron to end up on the outside floor. Danny Boi rolls out of the ring to give chase on the opposite side. He hits the outside floor and immediately makes his way around towards Bryan Williams. Bryan gets up and turns around to see a charging MacNamara coming right at him! Williams adjusts his feet to get low to catch the charging NVR champion in dead stride! Bryan cradles him up for an exploder suplex into the ring steps! Daniel catches the sharp edge of the top steel step that quickly draws blood! Both men end up down on the outside floor. The crowd is riled up for this one.] 

 

[Bryan gets to his feet to see Daniel rolling around on the floor holding his bloody wound. Williams staggers toward him only for MacNamara to raise up and pull the champions legs out from beneath him! Bryan falls back and now both men are down.] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Curb stomp that man’s face to the ground Williams! Don’t let him pull you down to his worthless level!

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I’m sure no one notices the irony in you mocking Williams all night only to cheer for him now.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Excuse me Eli but my options of people to get behind here in this match is pretty fucking slim. I’m working with what I got, man.

 

[Williams gets back up slowly while MacNamara does the same on the other side of the ring steps. Bryan stands straight up just in time to see Daniel leap up onto the steps and leap off for a superman punch! The violent lick rocks the Union Battleground Champion! Daniel takes hold of Williams by the back of the neck before he can fall. He drags Bryan over to the barricade aiming to smash him into the top of it face first! Williams puts out both hands to counter! Williams throws a wild elbow back at Daniel that hits the mark allowing him to readjust to smash MacNamara face first into the steel security barrier!] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Praying to the lord right now that headshot causes severe brain damage.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

You didn’t make a big enough donation to Rev’s church this month. God isn’t going to hear your prayer.

 

PERRY WALLACE

After the show remind me to show you this dirt I have on Rev.

 

[Williams takes a step back while MacNamara can now feel the blood coming out of his busted lips and nose. Bryan takes hold of Daniel by the left wrist to Irish whip towards the edge of the ring apron! MacNamara holds on however to counter with a whip of his own! Williams hits the apron full speed ahead before falling down onto the floor.]

 

[Daniel watches as Bryan pulls himself back up by the apron. The Union Champion gets up to one knee leading MacNamara to come in from behind with a vicious claymore kick to the back of the head! Daniel drives his skull face first into the apron!] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

If you can hear me all the way in the back, we need a clean up on the apron. There’s no telling what diseases that little ginger is carrying.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

You don’t need to shout to the back. After the first four matches they just posted up over there at the time keepers table. Maybe if you’d stop breathing through your mouth that plexiglass wouldn’t fog up so quickly and you’d be able to see them.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Fuck you!

 

[MacNamara peers down at Bryan as he approaches. He notices that Williams now is busted open. A gash across his right cheek. Daniel bends down to hoist up Bryan on the apron before rolling him on into the ring. MacNamara follows close behind to roll him up into a pin!] 

 

...One! 

 

...Two! 

 

...Kick Out! 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Normally I would sit here and act surprised that Williams or anyone was able to kick out of that but in this instance, that’s hardly the case. Any second now Williams is going to stop playing cat and mouse with this kid and rip his fucking head off for the entire world to enjoy.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I don’t know man. He was the leader of Gen Now. I mean he was smart enough to get the fuck out of that bullshit but sometimes his judgment is questionable.

 

PERRY WALLACE

The leader responsible for recruiting Sativa. He’s a goddamn genius!

 

[Daniel raises up with an expression of pure frustration. MacNamara gets up and walks over to the corner. He begins taking the padding off the turnbuckles by undoing the string. He pulls it off quickly to reveal the exposed steel turnbuckle before slowly turning back around to look down onto Bryan.] 

 

[Williams stirs on the mat. He has come to his senses after eating the apron with Daniel’s help. He rises up slowly only to be grappled on up to his feet by MacNamara. The NVR Champion positions the two wrestlers in the far corner. Bryan gets whipped into the corner by Daniel with force! Williams turns to hit the exposed turnbuckles back first! The steel digs into his back to leave a cut all the way across. Bryan peers up to see MacNamara charging directly at him! Williams falls down before lunging forward to trip Daniel in full stride! MacNamara falls to catch the steel turnbuckle forehead first! The crowd gasps after they see the blood squirt!] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

YES!!! Please tell me there’s going to be lingering brain trauma and that ugly redhead is never going to be able to wrestle ever again.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

If I did my math correctly it would say that the likelihood of that working out in your favor is pretty minimal. The Oirishman is into this kind of stuff. Just go watch his matches in Yamashi. What Williams is doing to him right now is child's play. 

 

[MacNamara’s was slightly scalped across his forehead by the exposed turnbuckle. Even Williams appears a bit shocked by the gash that has a bloody flap hanging down. Bryan stumbles back to his feet to make his way over to his bleeding opponent. The blood runs down his face while Williams gets to him. The champion puts two knees in Daniel’s shoulders to hold him down. Bryan then begins dropping elbows down onto MacNamara. The blood flies in every direction. The sticky elbow shots will linger long after this one is over.] 

 

[MacNamara rocks back and forth, causing the flap of skin to do the same, but counters Bryan just enough to get free. Daniel reaches up with both hands to smear his own blood into both eyes of the Union Battleground Champion! Williams falls off attempting to wipe his eyes clear. MacNamara attempts to stand up, but slips in his own blood! Bryan gets up while still trying to regain his sight and he slips in the blood to fall back! He hits his head hard against the canvas and does not move afterwards.] 

 

[MacNamara rolls to his feet to find Williams flat on the mat. Daniel wipes his face while the medical staff gets ready in the back to sew him up afterwards. MacNamara rushes to the closest corner. He climbs up onto the top turnbuckle that remains exposed. Bryan pops up suddenly and lunges at the corner to pull the NVR Champ’s feet from beneath him! The crowd gasps as Daniel hits crotch first on the exposed turnbuckle! Williams leaps up onto the middle turnbuckle before cradling up MacNamara. Bryan then super suplexes Daniel while flashes throughout capture the moment forever! The high impact maneuver leaves both down on the mat.] 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Danny acting like that hurt his ball-less crotch is the best selling that I’ve seen from that kid. 

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

How do you know it’s ball-less? First hand knowledge?

 

PERRY WALLACE

Because I have an inside source that told me he’s a little bitch just like this other retard named Badger that I’ve heard nothing but terrible things about.

 

[Williams crawls over to Daniel to make a pin.] 

 

...One! 

 

...Two! 

 

...Break! 

 

PERRY WALLACE

And leave it to Williams to not capitalize and finish this match once and for all so we can all go home.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

I don’t know why I decided to let you lead commentary through this match. You try and give an old dog a bone and this is what happens.

 

PERRY WALLACE

Why are you talking about this old man’s bone?

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Antonia said you were having problems and I just got a text message from Derrick La’Bell. He says you’re a bitch, by the way.

 

PERRY WALLACE

I’d kick the shit out of Derrick. We both know MMA is scripted and that dummy couldn’t land a punch if I stood still and closed my eyes.

 

[Williams looks over to see the left foot of MacNamara propped up on the bottom rope to halt the pinfall attempt. Bryan uses the ropes to get up off the mat. He then bends down to assist Daniel only to be rolled up into a pin out of nowhere by MacNamara!] 

 

...One! 

 

...Two! 

 

...Kick Out! 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Those roll ups may come easy in geometry class but you’re actually going to have to try a little harder here Danny boy and I just don’t foresee that happening.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

We’re like fifteen minutes into this match and he’s been in control for a large portion of it. What the fuck are you even talking about?

PERRY WALLACE

Williams hasn’t had a single concussion thus far so by that fact alone Danny has not been in control of this match. Try again please.

 

[MacNamara immediately raises up to protest the count. Williams leaps to his feet in a single bound! Daniel rushes to get to his feet as Bryan hits the ropes across the ring from MacNamara. Williams slingshots back at Daniel, who counters with a violent spear! The maneuver nearly cuts the Union Battleground Champion in two! Williams lies on the mat while MacNamara gets back up to a vertical base. He wipes the blood off his face in order to see again. Daniel makes his way over to Bryan with true malice intent running through his mind. He bends down to grapple up Williams, who counters with a punch to the gut of Daniel! MacNamara bends over as Bryan gets up to cradle up The NVR Champion for a blue thunder bomb!] 

 

[The Union crowd is roaring with cheers as Williams turns the tides back in his favor. Both men lie on the canvas and continue to bleed with MacNamara looking the worst. Just then, another wave of commotion from the crowd stirs as Dakota Smith emerges from the main stage!]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Oh look. Dakota’s here. I’m sure he just wanted to see the match up close and personal, and couldn’t find a seat in the arena with this sold out crowd. I wouldn’t expect any kind of fuckery to occur in the next few minutes at all. 

 

PERRY WALLACE

I hope he’s coming to the ring to kill everyone in it.

 

[Williams gets up to his feet to find MacNamara doing the same. Dakota now stands on the apron and distracts the referee from the action! Bryan catches MacNamara with a ripcord lariat out of nowhere! MANTRA! Williams flops down on the mat alongside The NVR Champion to hook a leg but the referee doesn’t see it! Bryan throws the leg down in a fit of anger and struggles to get to his feet to confront Dakota. Just as Williams gets upright, Johnny Vachon, Jacob Kuntz, and the behemoth RotGut spill out from the crowd with chairs in hand! All three members of the Genocidal Hate Brigade slide into the ring and rush at the Union Battleground Champion! In one swift motion, all three men smash Williams with a triple ConChairTo! Quickly, all three guys carry MacNamara over and drop him on top of Williams before sliding back out of the ring and disappearing through the crowd, all the while Dakota finally backs off from the apron and points the referee to the action. The referee spots the cover and looks like he hits a slip and slides through all of the blood to make the count!]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Hey look the Dogs of War showed up. I’m absolutely stunned. I can’t believe they would ever think of interfering in a match like this. WHAT A SHOCK!

 

PERRY WALLACE

I think you’re referring to the wrong group.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

They’re all the fucking same. 

 

...One! 

 

...Two! 

 

...Three! 

 

[DING! DING! DING!]

 

MIKE DEMPSEY

Here is your winner, Daniel MacNamara! 

 

PERRY WALLACE

That’s about the only way that amateur was winning a match here tonight. Show’s over everyone, let’s go home. There’s nothing here to celebrate.

 

[Medical staff immediately rushes down the entrance ramp to tend to both men. Bryan and Daniel both continue to bleed. The mat is stained in crimson red now. MacNamara slowly gets back to his feet as the referee continues to slip and slide to hold his hand high in victory with a chorus of boos raining down on him.]

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Well folks, it’s getting past Perry’s bedtime and he gets cranky if he doesn’t get his ovaltine at the usual hour so that’s going to be it for us tonight here in Washington, DC. I’m Elijah Carlson, and this here is my partner Perriwinkle Wallace. 

 

PERRY WALLACE

Good night everyone and if you’re out there watching, eat a dick Badger you dumb bitch.

 

ELIJAH CARLSON

Jesus fucking Christ, this is always a fucking shi-

 

[Roll Credits]

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