EVENT:
VENUE:
LOCATION:
ATTENDANCE:
BEST VIEW:
Relapse IV
Barclays Center
Brooklyn, New York
12,573
Desktop 1920 x 1080
[DING! DING! DING! DING! DING!]
MIKE DEMPSEY
Ladies and gentlemen, we are LIVE exclusively on the Battleground Network here at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn, New York for the beginning of the fifth season of Union Battleground — and this is Relapse Four! The opening battle is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first...
["Cry Little Sister begins to play as the lights drop in the arena. Smoke and fog billowed from under the stage and ramp, rising higher and higher, as the stage lights up in flames that ignited down the ramp in a domino pattern. The faint silhouette of Viduus Morta appeared in the smoke.]
​
♫
LAST FIRE WILL RISE
BEHIND THOSE EYES
BLACK HOUSE WILL ROCK
BLIND BOYS DON'T LIE
♫
​
MIKE DEMPSEY
… standing 6’2” and weighing in at 195 pounds, hailing from parts unknown, presenting Viduus Morta!
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Has anyone ever told Mike he’s an absolute ringer for the dude that comes on ESPN’s First Take with Stephen A. and Molly Qerim-Rose???
​
ELIJAH CARLSON
Hello everyone, I’m here with Alessandro Quagaggasdaasgdrterre. Some of you may not be familiar with him since he has a habit of disappearing for years. To answer your question, AQ, I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about so lets move on.
[Alessandro wants to say something in response to Eli, but his microphone gets cut off as the show goes on.]
[As the smoke cleared into the rafters, Viduus stood fast on the ramp, his eyes jittered left and right, creepily scanning the crowd. Then, with the quickening tempo of the music, Viduus moved to the ring as if he was floating down the ramp.]
​
♫
CRY LITTLE SISTER
THOU SHALL NOT FALL
COME COME TO YOUR BROTHER
THOU SHALL NOT FEEL
♫
​
[Viduus slithered under the bottom rope and raised to his knees to sniff the air around him; the smell of former battles, won and lost, rolled his eyes into the back of his head and, momentarily anyway, he was paralytically entranced. Eventually, he crawled on all fours to the center of the ring, where he stood on his knees once more to taunt the crowd, licking his lips.]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Eli… why on earth is he licking lips? Did he not eat any food today?
ELIJAH CARLSON
I don’t know man he used to look like a giant pile of ash. And this match is giving me indigestion. Who told the dregs of 4CW they should start wrestling again?
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Also I didn’t see Viduus or that guy that does the talking for him produce any pre-match content for this show. Does he regularly be a flake?
ELIJAH CARLSON
I’ve been told I have to be nice so I regretfully cannot answer your question.
[To most, a relapse is a setback, while to others, another chance. Viduus returned to the Battleground ready to feast. Rising slowly, he tilted his head to the left inquisitively -that unmistakable “curious dog”-look that asks, “what treat might you have in store for me tonight?” As the lights returned, he slipped slowly back into the far corner, eerily aware, but anxiously awaiting the answer anyway.]
MIKE DEMPSEY
And, his opponent...
[Boom, clap, boomdeboom clap clap. The drums kick in as the lights go out just before the guitar riff.]
MIKE DEMPSEY
… standing 6’3” and weighing in at 220 pounds...
[A moment later, the entranceway lights up and the rest of the band kicks in. A post-apocalyptic anarchy “A” appears on the screen above the stage, it slowly shifts into the one and only “Vi” sign of Johnny Violence.]
MIKE DEMPSEY
… from Calgary, Alberta, Canada, presenting Johnny Violence!
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
How violent does this guy get. This is the first time I’m seeing him in action?
ELIJAH CARLSON
It’d be better for us if he took a knife and got violent on his own wrists.
[Johnny Violence stood in the bright spotlight below, his arms extended to each side, his palms open and out; he basked in the glow of his own essence. His hood was up, but his Aviators caught the lights from above as the camera panned around him anyway.]
​
♫
OPEN UP, DRINK IT IN
DON’T ASK TOO MANY QUESTIONS
BECOME THE VESSEL FOR THE SHAME
THEY FEED YOU THROUGH SUGGESTION
♫
​
[Brilliant bright lights strobed with the riffing guitar as a grin crept across Johnny’s face, he flashed his fang-like teeth before heading slowly down the ramp. At ringside, he fluidly moved from the floor to the apron with a hop, where he whipped back his hood from his head. He threw his left hand high in the air with a “Vi” sign for the crowd just as the chorus hit.]
​
♫
ALL THEY WANTED WAS VIOLENCE
TO PLANT THEIR SEEDS AND DIVIDE US
IF THEY WANT THE WORST THATS INSIDE US
WE’LL BRING ON THE VIOLENCE
THE VIOLENCE
♫
​
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
This theme song is trash.
ELIJAH CARLSON
It’s called entrance music, AQ, Jesus fucking Christ.
[Johnny enters the ring between the ropes, removes his layers of clothing, and tosses them into a corner. In the opposite corner of Viduus, Johnny does some stretches awaiting the referee. Having checked both competitors, removing all sorts of small weaponry from the sleeves, pockets, and pant legs of each, the referee eventually called for the bell.]
[DING!]
[Neither of these two was competing on the merit of their technical prowess, there would be no wristlocks as they measured one another up here in the onset; nope, after semi-circling the center of the squared circle, a furious brawl erupted; Violence fired a lot of shots, with both hands, elbows, and knees, but with absolutely no concern for defense, he also ate the most shots fired at him. Viduus caught Johnny from the left, spun him around, and dropped him with a neck breaker in the center of the ring.]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
The execution of that neck breaker was really sloppy. I think Viduus be huffing paint fumes before this match.
ELIJAH CARLSON
This is pretty normal actually. A lot of hype followed up with disappointment.
[That wasn’t going to do it, but Viduus wasn’t allowing Johnny to get up easily. As Johnny struggled to get up, Viduus stomped him back down. Vicious boots in the ribs, hip, shoulder, neck, and head, but Johnny was determined to get up and, while the corner pinned him down momentarily, he used the turnbuckles to do so. A few wild shots bought him the time to climb and the superkick he planted, while Viduus stumbled backward, TURNED his opponent THE OTHER WAY just long enough for Violence to snatch his head from behind with a running bulldog that drove Viduus’ face into the canvas.]
[Violence was up and stalking as Viduus rolled to the bottom rope nearest the hard camera. It took some work, but Johnny managed to get the middle rope in Viduus’ mouth. He pressed his knee into the back of Viduus’ head, leaning into the ropes to address the viewers streaming the event on Battleground Network. Now it sounded like he said something along the lines of “creepy fuckers should stay in the shadows,” but please don’t quote me. Regardless of what Johnny said, gagging his opponent with the rope, the referee broke it up when Violence reached around to hold Viduus’ nose. Of course, Johnny tested the five-count to the very last gasp.]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Can you remember the last time anyone actually got DQ’d from a five count off the ropes?
​
ELIJAH CARLSON
No. I can’t remember the last time anyone got DQ’d in Union at all. I’m not even sure what they have refs for. It would be much more interesting if they would just wrestle until someone died.
[The referee forced Violence to remain on the opposite side of the ring while he checked on Viduus. Viduus shoved the official away and refused medical attention, struggling to get up in the near right corner. When the referee waved the match to continue, Johnny crossed the ring as he entered the arena, with his arms out and a “Vi” on each hand, “Let’s go...” ...I think they bleeped him here. Either way, Johnny dared Viduus to test the violence. Weapons be damned.]
[That same, creepy, inquisitive tilt of Viduus’ head stopped Violence’s near-boastful approach in the center of the ring. Instantly ready to throw hands, Johnny called Viduus a freak, a few other f-words, and all but told him, something along the lines of, “quit fucking looking at me like that!” Just before throwing another superkick aimed at Viduus’ face.]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Johnny went to a swamp and was talking to a mask in his pre-match promo. I think he may sniff a lot of glue.
ELIJAH CARLSON
Is this what this is going to be? Huffing paint. Sniffing glue. When are you going to incorporate the other senses?
[Viduus ducked, spun around behind Johnny, and locked around his waist. A German-suplex knocked the wind out of Violence just long enough for Morta to roll, instead of bridging for a potential victory, and plant Violence shoulders down a second time, just to roll off a third before finally holding for the pin.]
[Gassed from preparing to count following each of the preceding German-suplexes…]
.. One!
[...the referee was slightly out of position this third time and the count maybe, could-have-been, a three, but…]
... Tw — Kick out!
[The referee wasn’t as quick to get to his feet as Violence was rolling to the apron and taking a powder; then again, Johnny didn’t have Viduus in his face quite as the referee did either. Just a two!]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Hold up. Johnny just took powder. Is this dude seriously doing a line in the middle of a match?
ELIJAH CARLSON
Maybe it’s cyanide.
[Meanwhile, Violence got the breather he needed on the outside before the ten-count ever commenced.]
… One!
[With absolutely nothing in his arsenal to send himself hurling over the top rope as a human projectile, Viduus exited through the ropes behind the referee, intending to cut Johnny off on the far side of the ring.]
… Two!
[Violence sensed his opponent coming; he used the rings steps for some umph, caught Viduus’ head, and spiked it off of the thin ringside mats with a swinging DDT. The referee may have been at “FIVE!” when Violence ripped Morta up and rolled him back into the ring under the bottom rope. Viduus had his marbles scattered, but he was still rising as Johnny got to the apron. With the top rope in both hands, Violence took aim and waited until Viduus was up and turning toward him before launching.]
[Viduus stumbled backward, catching Violence as he came flying in over the top rope with an attempted crossbody, before dropping Johnny across his knee with a backbreaker and slumping over top of him.]
… One!
[And that was it, Violence kicked out, but Morta kept control and pulled Johnny up by his head. Viduus launched Johnny to the ropes to the left and drew back for a decapitating clothesline that Johnny ducked. Violence stopped on a dime, caught Viduus’ arm, and, with a quick sweep, Violence flipped Morta with PARANOID! -Violence’s version of the Ranhei into a pin.]
… One!
… Two!
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
How is the ghost of Viduus being so resilient. Honestly this should have been a squash match. Johnny is wasting his energy unnecessarily.
ELIJAH CARLSON
I know the feeling.
[Viduus kicked out, but Violence maintained control, working Viduus to his feet to rocket him into the near right corner. Violence smashed Viduus against the turnbuckles with a splash and sidestepped to allow Viduus to stumble forward a few steps. Violence hopped up on the second turnbuckle and took Viduus down with a bulldog. Quicker than a hiccup, as ol’ Saul would have called it, Violence was back in the corner and coming off of the top turnbuckle with a moonsault. Quick hook of the leg and the referee dropped to count.]
… One!
… Two!
… Thr- NO!
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
OMG! Finish him off Johnny!
ELIJAH CARLSON
Gross.
[The dust was already kicking up under the pressure of the referee’s falling hand when Viduus kicked out, it was so close. Violence sat up, questioning the referee. Except to breathe, Viduus didn’t really move at all until Johnny jerked him up off of the canvas. A swift kick to the midsection doubled Viduus over and Violence hooked both arms into the bends of Viduus’ elbows. GLORY FADES! and another cover as Violence grabbed the far leg and rolled every bit of weight he could stack on Viduus’ shoulders.]
… One!
… Two!
… Three!
[DING! DING! DING!]
MIKE DEMPSEY
Here is your winner, Johnny Violence!
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Finally! Johnny called Viduus Big Baddie Voodoo Daddy before this went down. Now that he beat him, does that mean Johnny is his daddy? Or are Viduus’ children now orphans? Does he even have any kids?
ELIJAH CARLSON
AQ we don’t have to talk after the match is over. Dempsey says the winner and then we transition to whatever bullshit is happening backstage. Or a commercial break. Come on man get it together. Life was easier when Perry and I got paid to sit here and do nothing.
[Scene fades in on the underground parking garage, the dying sounds of an engine still echoing off of the walls. Moxie James is emerging from a black Jeep, draping her bag over one shoulder. And there’s a camera in her face.]
MOXIE JAMES
This, really?
[The camera does not speak, because it is a camera.]
MOXIE JAMES
What do you want me to say? I’ve already said everything I need to say to who I needed to say it to. Words aren’t going to win this match. Bullshitting for a camera isn’t going to win this match.
[Moxie is met with silence and the slow red blink blink blink of the camera, on and recording. The cameraman stands silently behind the camera. He does not speak. He is not paid enough for a speaking roll.]
MOXIE JAMES
Okay… well… good chat?
[With a side eye at the whole situation, the camera watches Moxie leave. And what a view it is.]
MIKE DEMPSEY
The following battle is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first...
​
♫
IT DOESN'T HURT ME,
DO YOU WANNA FEEL HOW IT FEELS?
♫
​
["Running Up That Hill" by Avec Sans hits the PA system, with nothing but lots of smoke and dark purple-y/pinkish lighting on the entrance stage to accompany it, like some sort of 80s nightclub. Through the thick smoke, we see her dancing silhouette.]
MIKE DEMPSEY
… standing 5’6” and weighing in at 135 pounds...
[In a black and gold military jacket and a dirty old beanie hat, "The Enemy of the World" Emery Layton sashay's into the light. She's nodding her head to the beat of the music, holding her arms out as she struts down the ramp and swaying her head to the beat of her entrance theme. The fans are mixed at best but Em continues, fully embracing her own corruption.]
MIKE DEMPSEY
… from Anywhere and Everywhere, she is the former Union Battleground Champion, Trench War Champion, and King Cobra Champion, presenting “The Enemy of the World” Emery Layton!
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
If Emery is from anywhere and everywhere, does that mean she can randomly be hiding and creeping in on you from your utility closet?
ELIJAH CARLSON
OI OI OI OI OIIIIIII OI OI OI OI OI! WHY WON’T MY APPLE WATCH PICK UP MY WORDS IS IT BECAUSE OF MY OICCENT
[Once she reaches the bottom of the ramp, she pulls her beanie off and thrusts it into her pocket as she skates up the steel steps and climbs into the ring, taking her time. Once she's in there, she runs to the rope right behind her bouncing off it as she drops to her knees and skids forwards, as all the lights drop except a single spotlight on her and the lights from cell phone cameras as her upper body falls backwards. After a few moments of just simply listening to the response, she nips up and moves off to her corner, removing her jacket and handing it off to someone on the outside.]
MIKE DEMPSEY
And her opponent...
[The crowd doesn’t have long to wait before the lights are dimming back down and a hush steals over the crowd.]
​
♫
BITE MY TONGUE, BIDE MY TIME
WEARING A WARNING SIGN
WAIT 'TILL THE WORLD IS MINE
♫
​
[The lights dim down as purple and blue lights sweep the crowd and wash over the redhead in the ring. As "You Should See Me in a Crown" by Billie Eilish begins filtering through the sound system, Moxie James steps out onto the stage. She tilts her head and fixes her gaze on the woman shifting her weight aggressively from one foot to the other in the ring.]
MIKE DEMPSEY
… standing 5’7” and weighing in at 140 pounds...
[Moxie paused a moment, not out of any trepidation but taking a moment to soak up the smatterings of cheers and applause. They were what pushed her, what drove her.]
MIKE DEMPSEY
… from Los Angeles, California, presenting Moxie James!
[She let her lips curve up into a smirk as she slowly made her way down to the ring, grabbing the second rope and using it to springboard herself up onto the apron before she hooked her arms over the top rope and somersaulted herself over it.]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Imagine if Moxie botched that somersault, and injured herself before the match even started.
ELIJAH CARLSON
Have you ever heard the story of Humpty Dumpty? I could tell you how that would end.
[She was showing off… not just for the crowd but for her opponent as well. She’d promised the veteran that win or lose they would put on a scene stealer of a show and Moxie James had shown up to walk it like she talked it.]
[Before her music even had a chance to die down, Emery Layton rushed her opponent. The redhead had a lot to lose in this match and she knew it. Moxie James dropped down and somersaulted under Emery’s aggressive attempted forearm smash, popping back up behind Layton’s back as the veteran whirled around.]
[DING!]
[The two of them whipped around the ring, each a step ahead of the other as they duck and roll past each other but Layton, ever the veteran, finally puts an end to this back and forth and finally lands a forearm smash across Moxie’s back that knocks the younger woman down to her knees with its intensity. Not wasting any of her forward momentum, Emery rebounds off of the ropes in front of Moxie and hits her with a shining wizard into a quick pin that Moxie kicks out before the ref can even bring a hand down to the mat.]
[The women are up but waste no time with circling each other or taunting. Emery moves quick and aggressive, hitting Moxie with a flurry of kicks, mostly aimed at her knees. If she can ground Moxie James she takes out the majority of her arsenal and Emery is about working smarter, not harder. Layton whips James off of the ropes and catches James on the rebound with “Eat the Music”. James crashes down to the mat, her hands instantly going to her face as Layton attempts a pin that James kicks out of almost immediately.]
… One — Kick out!
[Layton still very much has control of the match, forcing Moxie into a defensive position and unable to scale the turnbuckle where the majority of her move set would come in handy. Superior ring awareness on Layton’s part has her backing the younger woman into a corner quite literally but Moxie’s aggression rivals Layton’s own as Layton accidentally steps into James’ arm reach and Moxie fists a handful of her hair to drag her closer as she rocks Emery with a headbutt. Rather than let the redhead backup or retreat, James follows, headbutting her again and again.]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Yeah Emery getting dutty with headbutt mania running wild right now. Some might say what they’re doing is extreme headbanging. Like in a moshpit. Freakin’ goths.
ELIJAH CARLSON
…. Did you say getting… dutty?
[Alessandro nodded to Eli. Back in the ring with Layton temporarily stunned, James is able to whip her into the ropes and catch her with Talk To God on the rebound, immediately rolling the veteran up for a pin that she kicks out of before the ref even hits his knees. Both women are back on their feet in seconds but Moxie clearly still has the upper hand. She battles Layton into a corner and then retreats to the far corner, coming in running as she lowers that shoulder to slam into Emery’s rib cage. When she tries it again, Layton lifts a foot to catch Moxie but the younger woman sees it and pulls up short, grabbing Emery’s foot and shaking her head in amusement before landing a big right hand that sends Layton toppling through the ropes and to the ring apron. Moxie seizes the opportunity to kick Layton to the floor outside of the ring before she quickly scales the turnbuckle and comes down on the redhead with “Smoke ‘Em If You Got ‘Em”.]
[Dragging her opponent back into the ring, whips her into the turnbuckle but Layton counters and sends her through the ropes, caught up by her leg. Emery clambers to her feet and lands a few kicks on that right knee of Moxie’s that she’s been targeting all night causing James to howl in pain. Layton doesn’t retain the upper hand for long, though. She drags James to her feet but is met with repeated forearm smashes that knock her off kilter. James brings Layton down to the canvas with a leg scissor that knocks Layton into the turnbuckle and James tries to take advantage, stalking over but Layton uses her superior ring awareness to flip James over the top rope and out onto the turnbuckle to put some space between them.]
[James is clearly limping by this point, her right knee obviously bothering her and she winces as she lands on the apron. Layton tries to knock her off the apron with a big right hand but James ducks under it and uses the ropes to help her drive her knee up into Layton’s face. As Emery staggers away from the turnbuckle, James springboards up onto the top rope, bouncing with only one leg, into a diving crossbody and then the pin but Layton kicks out almost immediately.]
… One!
… Tw — Kick out!
[She tries to lift Layton up but that right knee buckles and Emery is able to use that to her advantage, firing off elbows. James shoves Layton away from her to create some space that she uses to rebound off of the ropes into a neckbreaker and then without wasting any time a standing shooting star and another pin.]
… One!
… Two!
… Kick out!
[Layton kicks out after two. As Layton kicks out of the pin, she manages to land another brutal kick to Moxie’s right knee, the younger woman howling in pain and sprawling across the canvas.]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
That right there is experience coming into play. Moxie working hard to get two near pinfall attempts, and despite Emery being you know like “woah fam where the hell am I?”... she manages to have the wherewithal to kick Moxie outta nowhere to get her all staggered.
ELIJAH CARLSON
I need you to get on board with just shitting on everything we see, ok? Stop trying to sell these assholes that will just tweet something stupid on twitter five minutes after this shit goes live.
[As they both try to stagger to their feet, Moxie holding onto the ropes to compensate for her unsteady right leg, Layton sprints forward and knocks her through the ropes to the outside. As Moxie stands up, she’s met with a running dropkick from Layton that sends her back to the ground. As the ref begins the count, Layton slips out of the ring and hefts James back under the bottom rope, climbing in after her.]
[As she drags her to her feet and sets Moxie up for the dragon suplex, James just barely manages to free herself but once again lands badly on that right leg and gives Layton the opening she needs and takes to level James with a German suplex. She goes for the cover.]
… One!
… Kick out!
[James kicks out at one and out of desperation goes for a rolling armbar but they’re too close to ropes and after just a few agonizing seconds Layton is able to reach out and grab the bottom rope, forcing Moxie to break the hold.]
[As they climb to their feet, Layton grabs Moxie and tries to set her up for another German Suplex but Moxie rams her shoulder into Layton’s midsection and drives her into the turnbuckle instead. She manages to catch her with a step up enziguri and goes for the pin.]
… One!
… Two!
… Kick out!
[Layton kicks out after two, much to James’ frustration. The two of them trade blows all over the ring until Moxie sends Layton crashing to the ground with a desperate DDT. With Emery down, she tries to scale the turnbuckle but Layton is there and knocks Moxie down. The two of them trade blows and forearms as they both scale the turnbuckle, looking to knock the other down.]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Hell Yeah! They’re going for an all out throw down. I love it!
ELIJAH CARLSON
OH HELL YEAH BROTHER LETS GO HELL YEAH!
[Moxie manages to knock Emery off of the turnbuckle and quickly looks to finish her off with a split-legged moonsault but suddenly Layton is up and catches James mid-air. Moxie’s skull and shoulders crash into the mat as Layton levels her with a dragon suplex and then the pin.]
… One!
… Two!
… Th — Kick out!
[Layton looks absolutely floored and frustrated that James has kicked out and it seems that the younger woman is running solely on determination as she tries to drag herself to the ropes to get up. Layton pulls herself to her feet and leaps off the second rope into an elbow drop and another pin.]
… One!
… Two!
… Thr — Kick out!
[James still manages to kick out at two. She just will not stay down. Moxie kicks away Emery, landing at least one blow to her face, and buys herself enough time to pull herself up on the ropes but she’s swaying and not putting any weight onto her right leg. It looks like it’s over for her especially when Emery lands “Pull Out The Pin” and transitions it into a pin. This surely is it!]
… One!
… Two!
… Thre — Kick out!
[ Somehow, Moxie still manages to kick out right before the three count. James struggles to her feet only to eat a “Strange Phenomena” by Emery as the redhead once again goes for the pin.]
… One!
… Two!
… Three — NO! Kick out!
[And once again James kicks out just before the three count. Emery can audibly be heard yelling at the blonde to “stay the fuck down” but she’s only met with a weak laugh and a middle finger as James pushes herself into the turnbuckle corner to try to stand but can’t make it off of the ground.]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Unreal game of pinfall tennis happening right now, and Moxie James is showing real Moxy. Haha total pun intended I guess. Anyway she’s showing that she has hella heart, and true grit, and determination. She won’t go down easily.
ELIJAH CARLSON
What makes it unreal?
[Alessandro does this emoji to Eli -_-]
[Back in the ring… It takes four “The Kicks Inside” before Emery rolls James up into another pin that James tries to fight out of …]
… One!
… Two!
… Thre — Kick out!
[… and does, once again, just before the three count. It looks like it’s going to be impossible to keep Moxie down even when she should have let the match end already to avoid more damage to her right knee.]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
This is actually a really good match? What do you think Eli?
​
ELIJAH CARLSON
I think I might call my daughter and read her a bedtime story because that’s never been done live on air before.
[She drags herself back to the turnbuckle, using it to slowly stand before Layton catches her from behind with “Eat the Music” before she scales the very same turnbuckle and decimates James with “The Prikasa” and the pin!]
… One!
… Two!
… Three! — NO! Kick out!
[Still, James manages to weakly kick out just before the three even though she barely makes a move to get herself off of the ground. Snarling in frustration, Layton tangles a hand in her hair and lands several teeth rattling forearms before she goes for the pin again…]
… One!
… Two!
… Three!
[... and this time it takes. Layton gets the three count.]
[DING! DING! DING!]
MIKE DEMPSEY
Here is your winner, “The Enemy of the World” Emery Layton!
[Emery Layton violently tosses the leg down and shoots up to her feet. As the referee raises her hand in victory, Emery cannot take her eyes off Moxie, who lays lifeless on the canvas. A cold snarl slowly turns to a playful grin as Emery subconsciously gives her opponent props for a hard fought contest, although she won’t admit it, at least not right now. Emery soaks in the victory in her return to the Battleground, feeling high off of the adrenaline.]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
An intense match up between two great athletes. I guess Cardboard Emery has nothing on the actual Emery. And as for Moxie. That woman can really go. No shame in losing to Layton tonight, she’ll be back strong as hell I’m sure of it.
ELIJAH CARLSON
GODDAMNIT AQ STOP STEALING MIKE DEMPSEY’S SHINE YOU DON’T NEED TO TALK AFTER THE MATCH IS OVER. FUCK.
[It’s a cold, winter day in Brooklyn and American Tommy is in a bad mood, because….well does it really matter? It seems like he’s in a bad mood most days anymore and it seems like the shift started when Kimi was announced to Union. A camera follows Tommy around Barclays Center opening doors and slamming them when he doesn’t find what he is looking for.]
AMERICAN TOMMY
That goddamn woman. I swear to GOD!
[Tommy opens a few more doors before he looks outside and he finally sees her. Standing above the parking ramp stands Kimitsu Zombie, the woman who ripped out his heart and stomped on it like nobody has ever done. They really haven’t talked since he walked out of the apartment they once shared in Chicago after she broke the news. Well, there was that one time where that dumb bitch sat on him to get a sample for a paternity test where he informed her she can’t get pregnant by anal and she promptly punched him in the nose. Anyways, there she stood and Tommy was not happy to see her. He throws open the door and she turns around and he begins to point.]
AMERICAN TOMMY
YOU!
[She stares at him silently which just seems to piss him off even more. He walks up to and smugly smiles at her.]
AMERICAN TOMMY
You could have picked anywhere to do whatever the fuck you think you are doing, but you just HAD to choose here, huh.
[Again, she says nothing which just again angers Tommy more.]
​
AMERICAN TOMMY
What makes you think you can run a wrestling company, Kimi? You can’t even take care of your own fucking child.
[He smirks at her, because regardless of her reaction he knows she felt that one.]
AMERICAN TOMMY
Do you even know it’s name? Does it even know YOU?
[Tommy smiles and walks over to the railing above the parking garage takes in the view. He turns around and Kimi puts her hands on his shoulders and looks him in the eyes. Tommy finds this a bit weird and shoots her a look. She then takes her hands and puts them around his neck, stroking his cheeks with her thumbs and before Tommy can say anything her expression goes dark and she pushes Tommy over the railing.]
MIKE DEMPSEY
The following battle is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first…
[Darkness falls on the arena because this is how the best wrestling entrances start. The Teemba edit of Solid Space’s “A Darkness In My Soul” begins to play much to the bemusement of the crowd.]
MIKE DEMPSEY
… standing 5’7” and weighing in at 135 pounds…
[The song plays for a bit, building up through the somewhat extended intro before the top of the ramp is swept with light revealing Anna Daniels! Hurray!]
​
♫
INTO THE WILD
THOUGHTS OF AN
UNEARTHLY CHILD
PLANTS AND ANIMALS
♫
​
[Anna, to her credit, stands proudly amongst the otherwise dark arena and soaks in the crowd’s reaction, whatever it may be, before giving a side eye to the ring.]
MIKE DEMPSEY
… from Fascination Street, presenting “The Muse” Anna Daniels!
[Making her way down the ramp, she walks as if she’s in a trance while occasionally doing one theatrical gesture or another. In fact, she takes her sweet ass time in doing so because the (Time) Lord doesn’t have to rush for you plebs. You wait for the (Time) Lord. She wipes her feet on the apron oh-so-nicely...before exploding between the ropes and in the ring like an absolute loon.]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
I don’t know about you Eli. But I am super stoked to be calling an Anna match. She’s easily one of the best wrestlers on the planet. We’re also super tight… look watch this I can get her to wave at me.
ELIJAH CARLSON
She probably stole that off someone she murdered on another timeline.
[Alessandro Quagliaterre, stands up on the commentary table, and frantically waves at Anna, shouting out her name, trying to draw her attention. Eli tries to pull Alessandro back down, because he’s a making an unnecessary scene. Anna is laser focused on her match, but through the corner of her eyes spots Alessandro waving like a psychopath. She then nods to acknowledge his gesture, and waves back. Alessandro then gives a thumbs up and sits back down.]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
See Eli. I told you I could get her to wave at me. Me and Anna are best friends. Don’t you start asking me how many best friends I have. Nobody likes a buzzkill.
ELIJAH CARLSON
And yet here I am stuck doing commentary with you.
MIKE DEMPSEY
And her opponent…
[Like a flip of a switch, the arena flashes with brilliant flares as a familiar upbeat 80’s tune begins to play over the loudspeakers. Red, gold, and green strobes of light flash all throughout the building as the first verse of “Karma Chameleon” by the Culture Club hits the sound waves.]
​
♫
THERE’S A LOVING IN YOUR EYES ALL THE WAY
IF I LISTEN TO YOUR LIES, WOULD YOU SAY
I’M A MAN WITHOUT CONVICTION
I’M A MAN WHO DOESN’T KNOW
HOW TO SELL A CONTRADICTION
YOU COME AND GO, YOU COME AND GO
♫
​
MIKE DEMPSEY
… standing 5’5” and weighing in at 130 pounds, from Los Angeles, California, she is the former Union Battleground Unified Champion, presenting ”The Galactic Princess” Indi Rhyder!
[Just then, Indi Rhyder skips out onto the stage to a huge ovation as the chorus kicks in.]​
​
♫
KARMA, KARMA, KARMA, KARMA
KARMA CHAMELEON
YOU COME AND GO
YOU COME AND GO
♫​​​
​
[Indi Rhyder leaps back and forth along the main stage, a huge bubbly smile placed upon her lips. She turns to give the camera a wink as she passes on by down the ramp, slapping hands as she goes.]
[The Interstellar Star Child begins to pick up speed as she reaches the ringside area, before gliding beneath the bottom rope to end up in the ring. She spins gracefully to climb up on the turnbuckle in the opposite corner to further hype up this already boisterous crowd.]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Gave a lot of love to Anna. I am equally however as pumped to be calling an Indi Rhyder match. I have heard a lot about this hippie chick, she’s one of the most if not the most enigmatic individuals in this industry. She tore it up last year here in Union, I wonder what electricity she will bring this year. Good times huh…?!?
ELIJAH CARLSON
THE COACHELLA QUEEN HAS ARRIVED! FUCK OFF ALESSANDRO YOU DON’T NEED TO TALK RIGHT NOW JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND BASK IN HER GLORY.
[The optimistic and friendly aura nearly sickens Anna Daniels to her core. A snarl on her face makes it obvious she’s seen enough of this parade and decides to put an end to it. Indi is still perched on the turnbuckle, leaving her an easy target for the charging Anna to attack with a flying forearm to the small of her back!]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Yoooo Anna ain’t playing. She’s making Indi catch these hands early.
ELIJAH CARLSON
… what did you think was going to happen? They were just gonna stand there and smile at each other all night?
[DING!]
[The referee quickly calls for the bell and darts over to the corner. While Indi holds on to the ropes, Anna is getting an earful from the official, but she’s in no mood to obey his orders. She shoves him aside and continues the attack on Indi’s lower back, repeatedly clubbing her with her forearms and elbows. During the flurry of strikes, Anna tries to tip Indi over the turnbuckle and to the outside, but The Galactic Princess clamps down on the top ropes.]
[The Time Lord is seething and decides to bend the rules, and some digits. Anna grabs ahold of Indi’s hand and begins bending them back nearly to breaking point. Of course Indi reacts and this gives Anna the opening. Instead of pushing her off like she initially intended, Anna slips underneath the legs and sets Indi on her shoulders in an electric chair position. Slowly and steadily she steps out from the corner, and turns to the center of the ring. Before Anna can follow up with her offense, Indi spins herself around and slings her down with a hurricanrana!]
[The crafty eternal veteran, however, uses her momentum and rolls with the counter-attack, softening the blow to her head while tumbling back to her feet. She rushes in as Indi turns around, but just in the nick of time, Indi ducks a running clothesline. Anna again uses her momentum to springboard out from the corner and comes crashing into Indi with a flying back elbow that rocks her to the mat. Anna quickly kip ups and climbs the turnbuckle.]
[Once she reaches the top, she makes the ever so common mistake of milking it, playfully taunting the crowd before catapulting herself off with her mocking tribute frog splash, From On High. While she’s suspended in the air, Indi rolls in toward the corner and Anna eats the canvas hard. Indi rolls back out and covers a leg for a quick cover as the official slides in for the count.]
… One!
… T — Kick out!
[The sudden pin attempt caught the referee off guard and the delay gave Anna plenty of time to kick out. Indi now goes on the offensive and pulls Anna up to her feet. Anna goes running with an Irish whip, and on the return, she leapfrogs over Indi’s spear. Anna rebounds off the rope once more and catches a grounded Indi with a brutal running knee straight to the face! Indi topples back, and now Anna makes a quick cover.]
… One!
… Two!
[Indi clamps her hands together to cradle Anna’s head and leg then rolls her back to reverse her into a pin.]
… One!
… Two!
… Th — Kick out!
[Anna just narrowly avoids an embarrassing situation and in a fit of rage, pounces on top of Indi and starts dropping hammerfists repeatedly. After a series of strikes, Anna finally steps off, leaving Indi in a heap with a small, yet leaky cut on her forehead. The sight of blood triggers Anna into her deathmatch senses.]
[Anna rolls out of the ring and begins digging under the apron in search of some tools of her trade. She pulls out a chain, a kendo stick, even a double-end dildo probably placed there later for Kuntzy. But finally she pulls out a tried and true steel chair. She marvels at it for just a split second before a regrouped Indi Rhyder comes barreling in with a baseball slide dropkick through the ropes! Indi connects the chair which connects to Anna’s face, knocking her senseless and back into the barricade.]
“IN-DI RHY-DER!”
“IN-DI RHY-DER!”
“IN-DI RHY-DER!”
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
OH MY GOD! Indi just face fucked Anna with that steel chair to the face. Bruh?!?
ELIJAH CARLSON
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS NOW HIT HER WITH SOME OF THAT GLITTER JIZZ INDI!
[The crowd starts to rally behind the former Unified Champion as she pulls herself back up with the help of the ropes. As Anna stumbles to get back to her feet from the outside, Indi starts running. She bounces off the far side ropes to gain some added velocity then launches herself over the top with a corkscrew Moonsault plancha, crashing into Anna and into the barricade once more. Fans in the front row get pushed back from the impact, but they still come unglued being so close to the action.]
[Both women groan in agony on the floor, but since Anna took the brunt of the high-flying maneuver, Indi is first to stir. Eventually she gets back to her feet and makes her way over to the fallen steel chair. She grabs it and lifts it high over her head, but as she tries to smack Anna in the head with it, something — or someone — is stopping her.]
[She peaks over her shoulder and sees a small individual gripping the chair wearing a Skull Kids mask. Is it one of the Skull Kids? A Skull Referee? A Skull Security? Or just a Skull Fan? It’s hard to tell, them things multiply and pop up everywhere like Oompa Loompas. Maybe one of them got lost or left behind during The Community marathon event? At any rate, the interference leaves Indi bewildered, and doesn’t know what to do. She doesn't want to hit a spectator, but does want to hit Anna with the chair. So Indi plays it safe and tries pulling the chair away from the Skull Kid mask-wearing individual, but this person doesn’t let up and pulls back.]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
What the hell are the Skull Kids doing here. They just produced a 30 hour event. Didn’t their mothers tell them to go to sleep. FFS!?!
ELIJAH CARLSON
Does it bother you that they eat ham? Is ham one of the things you can’t eat? What kind of fuck ass religion wouldn’t let you eat something as tasty as ham?
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
I’m Catholic... Eli. I believe our Jewish and Muslim, brothers and sisters, do not eat that particular type of meat.
[Indi and the Skull Fan commence in a tug-o-war for the chair, giving Anna time to gain her wits and slowly creep up behind Indi. Just as Anna gets right behind Indi ready to attack, Indi gives a final jerk and snatches the chair away, but in the process tosses the chair back behind her and smacks Anna right between the eyes.]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
URGH! Again! She thwacked Anna with a chair. This is whack fam!
ELIJAH CARLSON
I swear to god if you say a single bad word about Indi I will fucking ruin you.
[Indi plays it off with a sarcastic “oops” as Anna drops to the floor. Indi tosses the chair aside and decides to pick Anna up to her feet. She goes to toss her back in the ring, but Anna stops by pressing her hands on the apron and grabs a handful of Indi’s hair and smashes her face into the hardest part of the ring. Indi gets stunned and Anna goes on the attack. She grabs her hair once again and drags her to the corner and chucks her into the steel steps. The loud metallic clang echoes through the building, sending shivers down everyone’s spine.]
[Indi ragdolls to the floor, but Anna keeps the pressure on her and deadlifts her up. With Indi resting on Anna’s shoulders, the Time Lord swings around and smashes Indi face first into the ring post. Blood splatters from Indi’s face due to the brute impact and now Anna is ready to continue this fight inside the ring. She presses Indi up over her head and tosses in between the bottom and middle ropes. Before she slides back in, she grabs the discarded folding steel chair and brings it with her.]
[Indi starts to stir back in the ring as Anna slides in. With the chair in hand, Anna waits for Indi to sit up and deliver the head shot. Just as Indi raises her head, she sees the chair coming down and rolls out of the way just in time. She springs up and folds Anna over with a boot to the mid section and causes her to drop the chair. Indi hits the ropes and on the return connects with a running bulldog, face planting Anna right on the chair! Indi rolls Anna over to her back, revealing a busted nose before hooking a leg for the cover.]
… One!
… Two!
… Thr — Kick out!
[It’s going to take a lot more to put the Deathmatch Queen down for good, so Indi decides to take it to another level, literally. Indi heads over to the corner and begins climbing the turnbuckle. As she sits perched on top, she waits for Anna to get to her feet. Eventually, the groggy Time Lord stumbles up, and it’s time for Indi to fly! She flips herself off the top rope and goes for the Cool Rhyder, but Anna reads it mid air and stops Indi dead in her tracks with a front drop kick! The impact sends Indi crashing into the corner where she hangs on the ropes to try and stay upright. Anna pops back up and quickly wraps Indi in a double underhook and drops her face first into the steel chair with the Oncoming Storm! The double underhook brainbuster turns out the lights for Indi Rhyder! Anna Daniels rolls over top of her, hooks a leg and bridges back as the referee slides in for the count!]
… One!
… Two!
… Three!
[DING! DING! DING!]
MIKE DEMPSEY
Here is your winner, “The Muse” Anna Daniels!
ELIJAH CARLSON
…… Fuck off Dempsey. And that’s right Alessandro you stupid bitch you stay quiet. We’re going to commercial. Or something.
[Alessandro does this emoji to Eli -_-]
[At the convenience of those involved, it seems as if the backstage area is completely devoid of anyone. Except for Danny. Danny is there at a catering table, a plate in hand and gathering the beginnings of a breakfast plate because that’s all the table seems to have.]
[A few feet away, we can see a curly set of hair and wide eyes peeking out from around the corner. Trying to be sneaky while also starring daggers at Danny. That’s Miles. And Danny knows Miles is there, he’s fully aware, but the Unified Champion is unaware of his awareness and feels like he’s quite the shadow.]
[Miles springs from the corner. Danny, seeing this coming, takes a single step back to avoid the food and the table that Miles flips. He’s still holding the plate. Miles practically roars to him.]
MILES LUCKY
HEY DANNY!!
[Miles relaxes then and glares at Danny, before leaning against the wall as if nothing happened at all, smiling at Danny.]
MILES LUCKY
Hey, Danny. How are you? You come here often?
[Danny lifts a piece of bacon from his tray and bites into it, his eyes very much so on Miles as he chews that bacon. He wants the other man to see it, yes, he wants him to watch him chomp into that piece of bacon and chew it. Danny knows it’s going to keep driving the man further, the way that he disregards the table flip entirely, the way he actually takes his deliberate time to chew that bacon instead of immediately answering him.]
DANNY MacNAMARA
Hello, Miles.
[Cheeky, he walks by the blonde haired menace before promptly claiming a seat not too far away from him, just close enough to the chaos that the man’s brought down so that he could still smell the ruined food. Delightful. He knows damn well that Miles isn’t going to just let this pass.]
MILES LUCKY
Okay…
[Miles mostly says this to himself, eyes glued on the spit where Danny had been standing before he decided to obviously fuck with him. He’s fucking with him. Okay.]
[Miles is absolutely fuming and he’s an easily overwhelmed guy, the lead up to this night building up with countless other situations boiling up over something that flipping a table didn’t dissipate. That’s a mouthful. Still, he tries to keep whatever composure he has left, despite the visible shaking and clenched fists when he turns around on his heels and walks right over to where Danny is sitting. He starts to grumble to himself as if he can’t be heard.]
MILES LUCKY
Look at him sitting there eating his stupid fucking food. Bacon. Breakfast. Stupid. So fucking stupid. I hate him.
[And maybe he’s talking to us. Why? Who knows, but it’s good to know. Yes, Danny is still eating bacon. It qualifies as breakfast, sure. Though, burgers with bacon on it, you know? You get that at lunch, but should we consider that breakfast? Maybe it’s safe to say that bacon isn’t breakfast on it’s own, but let’s not question him. Let’s get into the meat of it.]
[Still angry, Miles begins talking to him directly. Danny didn’t move as the man approached him. Either he didn’t notice him, or he did notice him and chose to fuel the fire as the man came closer. Why would Danny so obviously provoke him? Was this a trap? Or was he just really tired and wanted to enjoy his orange juice and bacon? Maybe it was a little bit of everything.]
MILES LUCKY
You know, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but I have this big match coming up tonight. It’s a defense against, get this, the champion of NVR. Isn’t that something else? Her name is Karen Willow or something. You gonna watch my match and see me beat her to a pulp or you have other plans?
[Pause. Beat. Danny was sipping his juice before answering him, taking his time to wipe his mouth.]
DANNY MacNAMARA
Is that today?
[Intentional, as if he could ever mess up the timing of that match, but just as Miles was being obvious in his intentions, Danny couldn’t help but to be just that.]
DANNY MacNAMARA
I just swung by here to eat breakfast before my match, with Miss Barrera. You know her, aye? Blue? Small thing with a shaved head?
[There it was. Danny made it a point to confirm that this was, in fact, breakfast for him.]
DANNY MacNAMARA
I really should have invited Karen down here with me. Do you think I still should?
[The way that Danny looks right at him and says that, especially while he’s pushing a piece of bacon into his mouth all but communicates that he knows exactly what he’s doing.]
[He’s playing Miles like a fiddle and while the champion himself was the first to approach, he quickly loses his cool as the scale of this interaction tips in Danny’s favor. Miles is so easily bothered and pushed, naturally devastated as well at the definite and clear label of breakfast.]
MILES LUCKY
Is that today?
[Miles repeats into the air before he starts to laugh. It’s not that sort of, oh Danny, you’re so funny, kind of laugh. It’s, Danny, I can’t believe you, how could you do this to us, fucking breakfast? Is that today? Let’s say somewhere between maniacal and emotional and pepper in sad because it should be noted that his eyes start to water.]
MILES LUCKY
Is that today? Is that today? Is that today?!
[Miles rounds the chair to stand in front of him with each today. I don’t know where you were imagining he was standing, but it was like beside the chair. Not anymore, because he’s in front of it, as was said, and he’s yelling in clear fury.]
MILES LUCKY
Is today the day that I beat Karen?! Today, today? This today? Where I taste her blood and do everything I can to try and break her fucking neck? Is today that day? Is that today? Where I rip her apart piece by agonizing piece, just for you to watch?
[His screaming had lowered somewhere in there as he tried to catch his breath, absolutely heaving. Still, he tries to continue to speak through grit teeth and even then this isn’t all a fraction of everything he wants to say.]
MILES LUCKY
Is that today? I think that might be today, so you should pay attention because someone will probably want a statement from you after it’s over.
[And fuck his orange juice!]
MILES LUCKY
And fuck your orange juice!
[He slaps the cup right out of Danny’s hand, sending it splashing somewhere we don’t have to worry about because it’s out of the picture. Danny responds by looking at his hand, then off screen to the forlorn orange juice that’s never going to be seen again, and then back at his hand, and then to Miles.]
​
DANNY MacNAMARA
I was going to drink that.
[Danny looks right into the camera, dead pan, as if this was a scene from the office. He imagines there’d be a laugh track if it was a sitcom, and then he looks back to Miles.]
DANNY MacNAMARA
Would you please go get me another cup of orange juice, Miles?
[Something completely switches in Miles, sudden clarity gracing his expression as if he’s decided something. He straightens out and seemingly relaxes, regarding and studying Danny for a couple of moments.]
MILES LUCKY
Huh.
[As if finding something in the other man’s features that has drawn him to a conclusion, Miles shrugs and nods.]
MILES LUCKY
Okay. Sure thing, Danny.
[It’s a spectacular display of cooperation as Miles actually gets Danny more orange juice, and it's lucky that it was on a completely separate table for once again the convenience of everyone involved. Really, something to be marveled. He heads back with the breakfast beverage. That’s right, he’s holding it without issue. It’s crazy. He offers Danny the orange juice.]
MILES LUCKY
Here you go, Danny.
[Danny immediately slaps the orange juice out of his hand like the petty piece of shit that he is, his eyes directly on Miles’s eyes during the entire exchange.]
DANNY MacNAMARA
Thank you, Miles.
[With that said, Danny immediately shoves his last piece of bacon into his mouth, and doesn’t break eye contact once. Miles gives Danny a big smile.]
MILES LUCKY
You’re something else, you really are.
[Miles looks around, as if drinking the entire scene in from the table, to the orange juice in some sort of area, to Danny. Miles looks almost proud, as if something has been accomplished.]
​
MILES LUCKY
You know, Danny? I’m really glad we were finally able to have breakfast together. Aren’t you glad? I’m pretty glad. It’s actually a huge relief. I’m pretty happy.
[Miles turns and begins to walk away, still talking to Danny and beaming until he’s gone around the corner, leaving the other man amongst the mess.]
MILES LUCKY
I thought that was really nice, we should do it again sometime! See you later, Danny.
[Danny releases a sigh, and starts to pat himself down for his cigarettes before cutting a look towards the camera just for a moment.]
DANNY MacNAMARA
For all of you that think polyamory can solve the problems of monogamy? You’re fucking wrong.
[Finding his cigarettes, he plucked one from the pack and put its filtered end first between his lips, the man actually looked around to see that Miles was gone before looking back to the aforementioned camera.]
DANNY MacNAMARA
I care deeply for that fucking idiot, but if I tell him that I care about him, he’ll either think it’s a trick, or let it go to his head, and I feel like dealing with absolutely fucking none of that, so what I’m going to do is let him go down the halls, trash everything, then have him address Karen with the same kind of fury he was going to use regardless, and then I’m going to handle that however I have to, because...
[Daniel trailed off, only to shrug those broad shoulders, lighting up that cancer stick so that he could take the first lungful of air.]
DANNY MacNAMARA
Because that’s just how we work.
Check out Skull Kids Wrestling's Marathon Event, The Community, On-Demand exclusively on the Battleground Network and keep up with the latest news and updates on Twitter
MIKE DEMPSEY
The following battle is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first… ​
​
♫
I'M GOING THE DISTANCE, FUCK THE FINISH LINE,
THEY BE HATING ON ME THEY GOTTA GIVE ME MINES,
BULLET A ACTOR, SHE NEED SOME CAMERA TIME,
WHOEVER SAID THAT THEY DOING COKE LINES,
THEY A TRIP, IMMA COME THROUGH AND MAKE THEM DIP
...ITS THE BULLET. BAHAAAA BAHAAAA !!!
♫​
​
[Two giants of men stand with their arms folded wearing a lamb mask over their faces. As lamb sounds flood out the arena Blue Barrera slowly walks in between the two men smirking as usual.]
MIKE DEMPSEY
… standing 5’7” and weighing in at 145 pounds...
​​
[Blue whispers something in the lamb on her left ear before tapping the other one the chest. She nods her before jumping up and down getting a little loose before she begins her way to the ring. Her enforcers don't move. They just stand there. Blue reaches out her hand and gets a little love even though the jeers are pouring down.]
MIKE DEMPSEY
… from Kansas City, Missouri, representing 9th World Performance Institute, presenting “Bullet” Blue Barrera!
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Eli? Why is this thing named after the smurfs?
ELIJAH CARLSON
My mother always said if you can’t say something nice about someone don’t say anything at all.
​​
[Bullet slides under the apron, stays there and acts like she's doing something on a phone. Laughing to herself Blue gets to her feet before walking around the ring talking to herself before she begins getting loose again. She sets up in her corner and continues to get loose awaiting the bell.]
​
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Does she have cancer? Where is their hair?
ELIJAH CARLSON
I wish.
MIKE DEMPSEY
And her opponent…
​
♫
CHEAP SMOKE
RISING LIKE A SPIRIT IN THE
SOFT GLOW OF A NEW YORK STREET
NO GLAMOUR OR GARB CAN HIDE
THE ANIMAL HEART INSIDE OF ME
♫
​
[“A Dog’s Life” by Miracle of Sounds hits the loudspeakers as the lights cut in the arena.]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
OMG! This music! LMFAO!
ELIJAH CARLSON
It’s actually by Miracle of Sounds. It says it right there on the note sheet.
MIKE DEMPSEY
… standing 6’4” and weighing in at 221 pounds….
[Daniel MacNamara walks out into darkness, pausing momentarily to take in the ambiance as it goes from black to low light levels. Standing at the top of that ramp, he suddenly makes a beeline for the ring.]
MIKE DEMPSEY
… from Armagh, Northern Ireland, United Kingdom, presenting Daniel MacNamara!
[At the edge, he makes a vertical leap onto the canvas while he grabs the second rope and pushes down on it only to step between the second and top rope. In that ring, he walked towards the center of it and threw back his head, lifting his arms right as the lowlight turned black again, before going back to normal.]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
I got a $100 million on Danny winning this match. What bookmaker would take such a wager? I know people in Vegas don’t worry.
ELIJAH CARLSON
Could you spend it on paying someone to murder Blue instead? Not like figurative haha I murdered you in the ring. But actual murder.
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Eli if you want to get someone taken care of… you know… I can’t discuss that stuff on air. But holla at me, and I can get a few of my associates to take care of them. You know. And just in case any feds or authorities are listening to this when I say take care. I mean like a spa day, pampering them. Totally not that other thing which my family allegedly does. Anyway back to the action in the ring a smurf is about to get whacked.
[Both competitors stand patiently in their corners but not without jacking their jaws at one another. The official in charge checks off with each one, and calls for the bell.]
[DING!]
[Daniel MacNamara walks up to Blue Barrera and puts up his fists. She circles around and nods, putting her dukes up as well. MacNamara sticks to the center of the ring and a confident Barrera lunges forward for the attack. She throws some punches and MacNamara blocks and dodges them. Barrera then goes for a surprise Double Leg Takedown with all her strength and Daniel goes down.]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Yooo the smurf lady took Danny down. Unbelievable?!?
ELIJAH CARLSON
Something something MMA. Something something lamb KKKlan. I don’t know bud.
[Danny covers up as Barrera rains down some smacks. MacNamara blocks these strikes with his forearms then places a hand on her neck and postures up to push her off. He motions for her to come at him again.]
[This time Barrera runs and goes for a knee strike but MacNamara scoops her up and throws her into an overhead suplex. This sequence is repeated several more times with MacNamara ending a clinch exchange with a huge suplex and basically ragdolling Barrera around. MacNamara always lets her get up each time to do it over again. Barrera then starts to keep her distance.]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
This Barrera chick is getting punked out. She don’t want none of the MacNamara smoke.
​
ELIJAH CARLSON
Yeah, she’s worse at this than she is at tweeting.
[Blue picks at Danny with some kicks and tries to take out his legs by kicking them to pieces. MacNamara definitely slows down from these. He manages to grab one of her kicks after checking them and pulls her into a huge lariat. He places her onto the corner to sit Barrera up to the top rope but she locks on a Rear Naked Choke before he walks away to attack. MacNamara goes limp rather quickly and slumps down against the turnbuckles. Barrera grins and goes to give him a stinkface but then yells out in pain.]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Think Blue ate beans, she be releasing gas. Yuck they need to chew their food properly, serious indigestion.
ELIJAH CARLSON
You notice how her face still looks like she’s a stroke victim after what Daniel Fisk did to her a few months back?
[MacNamara is biting her butt and will not let go. Barrera panics and tries to pry him off but can’t pull away. She gives him a few punches but he still won’t let go and it’s pretty comical to the audience and eventually, a chant from the crowd ignites.]
“EAT HER ASS!”
“EAT HER ASS!”
“EAT HER ASS!”
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
How do we have a crowd here tonight. I saw the Nets play here the other night and it was a virtual audience with the exception of like 10 people. This is ridiculous.
ELIJAH CARLSON
Covid doesn’t exist in the wrestling world.
[MacNamara finally lets go when he grabs her and hits a huge backdrop. MacNamara then goes on the mount and repeatedly slams Barrera’s head on the mat with the utmost hate. The crowd goes silent at this change in MacNamara’s attitude and each thud resonates from the ring.]
[MacNamara then picks a limp Barrera up and throws her out of the ring over the top rope. Barrera takes a nasty spill and MacNamara follows. MacNamara hits Barrera with a Pele kick before she gets up. He rips the padding exposing the concrete then puts her on his shoulders. He hits the Last Howl on the outside. MacNamara tries to drag Barrera into the ring by a hand then seems to lose interest. He goes into the ring and puts an arm around the ref to force him to count Barrera out.]
… One!
… Two!
… Three!
[The crowd grows louder with a deep mixed reaction as Blue continues to lay cold on the ground. Meanwhile, Danny shadow boxes inside to further taunt his opponent.]
… Four!
… Five!
[Barrera begins to stir at five and starts to make it to the ring.]
… Six!
… Seven!
[MacNamara sits on the second rope and lifts the top rope for her to enter.]
… Eight!
… Nine!
[Barrera gets on the apron but is too out of it to make the climb as she stumbles and falls at the final count.]
… Ten!
[DING! DING! DING!]
MIKE DEMPSEY
Here is your winner, Daniel MacNamara!
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Wait. So he won by countout? I would have liked to have seen a submission victory to be honest. Missed opportunity. Nonetheless an impressive victory by Daniel MacNamara. This dude is legit as they come. Pure savage.
ELIJAH CARLSON
He’s alright, really. I think arthritis is starting to slow him down a bit to be honest.
[MacNamara stands tall in the center of the ring, chest puffed out and snarling. The referee raises his hand all the while medics come racing down the aisle. But it doesn’t stop there, the new owner of Union Battleground, Kimitsu Zombie, steps forth into the main stage! She stands still front and center with an ominous lopsided smirk. Soon after, security guards come racing past either side of Zombie, making their way toward Blue Barrera. The medics are shoved aside as the guards snatch up Blue and begin escorting her away!]
ELIJAH CARLSON
Ah fuck what is Kimitsu doing here? Wait she owns this place now? Goddamnit.
[A drop of blood hits a solid black background before pooling into a thick font that reads two words, “MURDERProductions”. A small office glitches into focus suddenly! The union star sits in the corner prominently. A woman in her early forties sits behind a neat and well kept desk. The camera in her computer is looking back at her. The camera’s in the office are to document these meetings. Mrs. Jenson is a sports psychologist by trade.]
[The camera’s alternate between her webcam and camera’s meticulously placed throughout for further, “study”. The camera swings around to reveal Edward Murder. A large bandage is taped across his right cheek. A spot of blood can be made out, peaking through the white gauze. A chunk gone forever but still he wears his Miles Lucky t-shirt while this woman judges him harshly.]
MRS. JENSON
PTSD. Bi Polar 2. Introvert. There is a real list of mental issues within your file.
[The Doctor holds up the file at Eddie, who peers at her with glowing blue eyes.]
MRS. JENSON
I hold your fate in my hands. Kimitsu Zombie had you sent here to be evaluated. You are acting out in a violent manner that is quite frankly, criminal at this point.
[Murder glares at Jenson from across the neatly kept desk. Eddie slightly twists his head to peer deep into this woman’s soul. He leaps up suddenly and slowly brings both palms to rest atop the desk. Between his hands rests the release.]
​
EDDIE MURDER
This bit is overplayed.
MRS. JENSON
Excuse me?
[Murder leans in close across the desk to invade a space long deemed safe.]
EDDIE MURDER
This. Right now. You sell conjecture while I sell violence. That’s where we are here, Doctor. You can’t heal a mind such as mine nor would I allow such a fucking thing, lady. I will do anything for Kimitsu. She has put you in my way, but lucky for you I will only destroy your entire life rather than take it. I think misery can be beautiful if molded in the right light.
[Jenson tenses up as Eddie rounds the desk to come up behind her. She leans into him before grinning wide. “I’m married.", Murder spits outloud before lunging back a bit. He continues using the keyboard around her.]
EDDIE MURDER
I found your Ashley Madison account and the footage you deleted off the security system. Why do you have cameras in your bedroom when you take random dicks home during lunch to bang? Dumb.
[Eddie shows this woman evidence to destroy her marriage. She slumps over in a defeated manner while Murder continues.]
EDDIE MURDER
Madness fuels my genius. I refuse to allow you to censor my art with a nonsensical God complex run amuck. Eat shit. You have cheated on your man on many occasions. I wonder if the judge will understand how you smear that rotted gash around town like it’s butter on bread. Jesus Fuck, Lady! You won’t get the kids. That’s a fact. You clearly have a sexual addiction. Precious.
[Eddie puts all her passwords in directly in front of her. Logging into dating services from all over the web. Showing bank statements that prove a smidge of fraud. All are emailed to the proper authorities, and her husband while she watches her world end in a single moment. Eddie moves to her side to watch. Dr. Jenson, who bends down to sign the paper while still showing no emotion. Her face remains expressionless while tears begin to stream down each cheek.. The doctor peers up to see Eddie take her photo with a polaroid camera! SNAP! The photo spits out the front and hits the floor swiftly while Murder takes up his medical release. He takes up the photo also from the cheap floor. Eddie swings the photo back and forth between his right thumb and index finger. He then puts it up to the face of his newly ruined Doctor.]
EDDIE MURDER
I want you to keep it. Your makeup runs down your face from the exposure to truth. Overcome by true terror and fear of the unknown. How poetic. We captured that together and I believe when you get out of prison, I would see you again. We have made a real breakthrough here. Tell Kimitsu that I did great. Right?
[Dr. Jenson simply rocks her head to indicate she will do just that. Eddie looks around at the cheap wallpaper in disgust before picking up his championship belt and scampering off.]
MIKE DEMPSEY
The following battle is scheduled for one fall and is for the Union Battleground War Horse Championship! Introducing first…
[Dempsey’s voice trails off as the camera along the ramp slowly pan up towards the entrance where a large three dimensional razor blade stands vertical.]
MIKE DEMPSEY
… standing 5’7” and weighing in at 126 pounds, presenting “Fortune’s Favorite” Precious Pepper Vain!
[“Bad to The Bone” by George Thorogood & The Destroyers hits throughout to induce a collective disapproval from this capacity crowd!]
​
♫
BAD TO THE BONE
BAD TO THE BONE
B-B-B-B-BAD
B-B-B-B-BAD
B-B-B-B-BAD
BAD TO THE BONE
♫
​
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
So we have salt’s enemy coming to the ring, to a bone song, when salt has no bone. Kind of fitting don’t you think?
ELIJAH CARLSON
I don’t follow. Salt? What? I’ll be honest Alessandro I’ve been drinking and not really paying all that much attention.
MIKE DEMPSEY
And her opponent….
​
♫
GINGER, THIS IS SARAH.
PICK UP IF YOU'RE THERE.
I'M AT THIS PLACE ON PICO BOULEVARD CALLED TECH NOIR...
♫
​
[The introduction of the song is sudden, we hear an ominous tone that follows the Terminator line. The keys are dragged out, lingering in the air as the song gets to a slow start. Seconds pass, as a backing track is finally introduced along with the lengthy notes. Eventually, after a minute, the song really kicks into gear.]
​
MIKE DEMPSEY
… standing 6’2” and weighing in at 220 pounds...
[Neon strobe lights flash along with the beat, a shadowy figure keeps in the darkness. Slowly, we see Bryan Williams methodically walk out from the back. He's dressed for a fight, his jacket covering his torso and his baseball bat in hand. It rests comfortably on his shoulder as it keeps its dangerous message. The chicken mask on his head stays contrasted with the neon lights and the darkness. Bryan keeps his head low, as the song continues to play along. The techno beat ramps up more and more, as the lights around him shimmer and dance.]
MIKE DEMPSEY
… from San Antonio, Texas...
[The song continues to play, as Bryan stands on the top of the ramp. With his head down, Bryan removes the War Horse Championship from around his waist as he holds it up high for the crowd to see. His head snaps up, Bryan puts the War Horse Championship on his other shoulder, as he begins to walk down towards the ring.]
MIKE DEMPSEY
… he is the former Union Battleground Champion and the reigning, defending, undisputed Union Battleground War Horse Champion, presenting Bryan Williams!
[Williams props his bat up against the ring steps, then climbs the steps to glide through the ropes. This crowd stands behind this guy firmly. Standing on the second rope, Bryan again holds the War Horse Championship up high for the audience to see.]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Last time I saw Bryan Williams… he was really grumpy. Has he changed since then?
ELIJAH CARLSON
I wouldn’t necessarily call him grumpy. Sometimes he’s a dick but who isn’t? All I know is I hope there’s a stipulation in this match that if BW wins then that shitty fucking Danger and Play brand gets wiped from existence.
[The two wrestlers stand across the ring from each other. PPV glares at the champion, who ignores her completely.]
[DING!]
[Bryan strikes out at Precious immediately! She falls to one knee and he hooks her with a quick rolling release suplex that causes the crowd to pop!]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
YOOOO! BRYAN going for that food straight away!
ELIJAH CARLSON
…. What?
[Vain rolls out of the ring suddenly to end up on both feet on the outside floor. Williams hits the ropes directly behind him to slingshot forward at Precious Pepper Vain on the opposite side. He baseball slides beneath the bottom rope to catch PPV flush on the jaw! The shot turns her entire body before she falls to the floor in a pile!]
[The champion lands on his feet on the outside floor. Precious Pepper Vain crawls on her hands and knees towards the ring steps. Williams slips up behind her slowly as the camera swings around to show a large red mark across the face of PPV, courtesy of Bryan’s heels. Vain reaches the steps and slides up the side of them. Her cheek ends up flush against the top steel step. She struggles but Williams comes in from behind suddenly with a knee to the back of her head!]
[Williams works the crowd for a moment before reaching down to take up PPV by the hair of her head. He then takes off toward the announcer’s table! Bryan begins to bang Pepper’s head down on the table with all he’s got! The crowd begins to count the violent licks.]
“ONE!”
“TWO!”
“THREE!”
“FOUR!”
“FIVE!”
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Sup Bryan? How you doing Bryan? Fucking up Pepper Bryan? How it be fam???
[Bryan Williams completely ignores Alessandro, and focuses on the decimation of his opponent.]
ELIJAH CARLSON
Ohhhh hahaha wait I get it now. The enemy of salt is Pepper. Haha. Fuck.
[The announcer’s don’t miss a beat while calling this action. PPV hits both knees in front of the table. She snatches a tablet off the table before swinging around to catch a superkick from Bryan Williams! The crowd pops while production slows that down in a replay to show the true impact.]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Eli whose iPad was that it just got wrecked?
ELIJAH CARLSON
I think it’s someone named Carly. I saw they had the twitter app on there. Imagine having to tweet from a damn iPad.
[Williams drags Pepper Vain back towards the ring by her hair! The referee does nothing inside the ring. Bryan manages to get her back to both feet before rolling her back into the ring. Williams leaps up onto the apron then waits. PPV gets to her knees briefly before rising up in the center of the ring. The camera shot pans to show her begin to turn around to face Williams, who leaps up onto the top rope to springboard off at her! The champion catches her with a picture perfect blockbuster! The crowd pops!]
[Williams leaps up to both feet and stomps down on the mat before making his way over to PPV, who lies face down on the mat. Bryan meticulously applies a modified surfboard stretch without hesitation! He immediately stretches Precious out for all to see.]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Bryan could have finished this off moments ago because that was a dazzling blockbuster, but instead he wants to inflict as much pain as possible on Pepper with the surfboard.
ELIJAH CARLSON
I’m all for it. It still won’t be equal to the pain and suffering her tweets cause.
[PPV calls out for help! The referee comes in close to watch for a tap but PPV refuses. Williams pulls back on her arms with all he’s got! He’s willing to break her into two pieces to put this one away. Precious begins to badmouth Bryan while being stretched to her limit! Williams gets irritated and releases the hold before smashing PPV face first into the mat! She peers up from the mat with a bloody mess across her face from a busted nose!]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
You know people call it a nosebleed. But if you think about it, it’s an induced nose period.
ELIJAH CARLSON
There’s something wrong with you.
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Crazy analogy I know. I’m sure they’ll be complaints. Someone should get Pepper a tampon, this is pure brutality from Bryan.
[PPV stumbles up to both feet somehow. She turns around slowly to face Bryan, who glares back at her. The champion comes right at her, but she drops to both knees to nail him with a low blow! The shot takes the wind out of his sail and leaves Bryan on both knees. This blatant cheating act allows Precious to roll back out of the ring to get her game plan back together.]
[PPV bumps into Williams’s baseball bat on the outside. She looks down at it before snatching it up fast! Vain rolls back into the ring just as Bryan gathers himself. She comes in wild swinging the bat at the champ! He ducks the first swing, then the second! Bryan backs up while avoiding wild swing after ugly swing! Bryan snatches the bat away from her suddenly! He swings it at her right ankle which drops her like a logger dropping a tree in the forest! Timber. Bryan drops down onto PPV, putting both knees into her chest. He presses the handle of the bat down across her throat while using the mat as a bracer to choke Precious! Her eyes widen and she thrashes both arms about as the champion attempts to choke the life from PPV!]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
The grim reaper is upon us. Bryan is a man possessed wanting to send Pepper to an early grave. MY GOD!
ELIJAH CARLSON
Honest question, Alessandro. Is your god a little g god or a big G god?
[Alessandro does this emoji to Eli -_-]
[Back in the ring...The camera overhead pans in to show the blood vessels in Vain’s eyes bulging just before Williams releases her! PPV gasps for air while struggling on the mat. Bryan walks over to the corner to prop his bat back up. Precious Pepper Vain reaches down at her ankle. She suddenly gets cradled up out of nowhere into a blue thunder bomb! The back of her head clips the top rope and she hits the mat with violent impact!]
[PPV’s eyes roll back while Bryan gets back to his feet quick! Both of Precious Pepper Vain’s lips are busted to match her nose. Her face is a bloody mess as the champion cradles her up into a sitout inverted DDT! SHOTGUN MOUTHWASH! Williams transitions the maneuver into a pin!]
… One!
… Two!
… Three!
[DING! DING! DING!]
MIKE DEMPSEY
Here is your winner, AND STILL the Union Battleground War Horse Champion, Bryan Williams!
[Bryan releases PPV before rising up to both feet. The referee brings the War Horse Championship over and Bryan snatches it away from him. He places it across his shoulder while the crowd pops again!]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Lesson of the day for anyone watching at home and around the world. Don’t fuck with Bryan Williams. Man will murk you out if you do. A champion's performance peeps! WOW!
ELIJAH CARLSON
I beat him once. I think. None of this matters anyway. Thank you for your service, Bryan. You did us all a favor.
Check out King's Road Pro Wrestling Chapter 58, exclusively on the Battleground Network and keep up with the latest news and updates on Twitter
MIKE DEMPSEY
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for the Co-Main Event of the evening! The following battle is scheduled for one fall, and it is for the Union Battleground Battalion Championships! Introducing first, at a combined weight of 440 pounds, the team of Johnny Vachon and Jacob Kuntz — The Murder Junkies!
​
♫
AWW, LOOK AT DADDY'S BABY GIRL
THAT'S DADDY'S BABY, LITTLE SLEEPY HEAD
YESTERDAY I CHANGED YOUR DIAPER
WIPED YOU AND POWDERED YOU
HOW DID YOU GET SO BIG?
CAN'T BELIEVE IT, NOW YOU'RE TWO
BABY, YOU'RE SO PRECIOUS
DADDY'S SO PROUD OF YOU
SIT DOWN, BITCH! YOU MOVE AGAIN
I'LL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU! (OKAY!)
♫
​
[Kuntzy and Vachon strut out across the stage as “KIM” blasts throughout. Johnny points over at the large three dimensional prop of the razor blade before stepping over the large line of coke across the stage that matches the blade. Kuntzy gets down on all fours and begins trying to snort up the long white plastic prop while the crowd boos like crazy!]
ELIJAH CARLSON
Alright, AQ, I have decided for this match and this match alone I will say things first. Mainly because I’m waiting for them to bring me my next cocktail. Speaking of cock, here comes Kuntzy and of course things are a shit show already.
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Well why you are focused on getting sloshed. I will actually call the action as I see it as I’m sure the viewers at home want to see or power read through this with color commentary.
​
♫
DON'T MAKE ME WAKE THIS BABY!
SHE DON'T NEED TO SEE WHAT I'M 'BOUT TO DO!
QUIT CRYING, BITCH! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS MAKE ME SHOUT AT YOU?!
♫
​
[Johnny and Jacob make their way down the steel ramp and toward the ring. They slide in on different sides to end up in the center of the ring, together. They welcome this negative response with all their being.]
MIKE DEMPSEY
And their opponents, weighing in at a combined weight of 425 pounds, they are the current Yamashi Unified Tag Team Champions, and the reigning, defending, undisputed Union Battleground Battalion Champions, the team of Matt “Deathrow” King and Santana Johnson — The Death Merchants!
​
♫
THOUGH MANY HAVE COME
THERE WILL NEVER BE ANOTHER ONE
QUITE LIKE
YELA
ROOCK!
EVERYBODY GET THE FUCK UP
ROOCK!
EVERYBODY GET THE FUCK UP
ROOCK!
♫
​
[“Get the fuck up!” by Yelawolf can be heard all over the arena as Deathrow Matt King and Santana Johnson burst through the curtain covered in championship titles!]
ELIJAH CARLSON
I hope someone made sure to pay Santana in advance. In fact, AQ, could you make sure that they’ve paid him by the time the show is over? Otherwise I’m gonna find another way out of this building that is as far away from that crazy mother fucker as possible.
​
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
I’m pretty sure with the amount Santana shouts at people, if he doesn’t get paid, someone will be left with deafness at the decibels his mouth reaches. As for Matt, after a robbing a Shell store earlier this week, I’m surprised nobody has called the police on him to get arrested. Then again there isn’t exactly much law and order in Union so i shouldn’t be surprised.
[The two men walk down the ramp without ever taking their eyes off Kuntzy and Johnny, inside the ring. MDK and Santana drop the belts suddenly and make a mad dash for the ring! They side in and all chaos ensues! The referee struggles at first to regain control before accepting failure and calling for the bell to begin this one!]
[DING!]
[Johnny and Johnson begin throwing blows immediately as does MDK and Kuntzy! The four men fight all over the ring! Vachon headbutts Santana to send him flat down to the mat in a seated position. Jacob irish whips Matt into the ropes! He bounces off the opposite side to come back fast to dodge an elbow from Kuntz! Matt hits the ropes again to catch Jacob with a violent bicycle knee!]
​
ELIJAH CARLSON
I swear to god I think Kuntzy has a little two inch chub right now. Two inches might be generous. But I’m in a good mood right now
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
That’s Eli’s interpretation. Meanwhile Matt just thumped Jacob in the face, like he’s at the NFL combine, hoping to get the attention of some scouts to be hired as a placekicker.
[Deathrow turns slowly to face Johnny, who mocks him without mercy. The two men come at each other but Johnson trips up Vachon, who falls down onto the already extended knee of MDK!]
[Deathrow’s head lunges forward suddenly after Kuntz begins delivering blow after blow to the back of the champion’s head! Santana attempts to stand up only to be captured up from behind by Johnny! He delivers a sleeper slam! The Death Merchants simultaneously roll out of the ring! Jacob and Johnny stand tall in the ring but only briefly. They both rush across the ring to dive through the ropes at Matt and Santana! Crash and Burn! All four wrestlers end up spread out across the unforgiving outside floor. The referee continues to be useless as the crowd pops!]
[Jacob manages to make it to one knee. Vachon had a bad landing and remains down on the floor. Johnson and Matt stagger up to find Kuntzy! He runs directly at both men, only to be kicked in the abdomen by Santana before Matt cradles him up into a suplex back into the edge of the apron across the spine of Jacob Kuntz!]
[Vachon is on the other side half way beneath the ring now. The Death Merchants walk around the ring from opposite sides to come up on Johnny from behind, on either side. MDK reaches down swiftly to pull at the ankle of Vachon! He pulls Johnny from beneath the ring on his back only to find Vachon holding a strand of razor wire! Johnny tosses it around the already bent Deathrow then pulls with all he’s got! The razor digs into the back of Matt’s neck meat in a slicing manner. The camera pans in close to show the blood begin to roll down MDK’s back!]
[Kuntzy walks around the side of the ring to find Johnny on his back using the razor wire to dig deeper while Matt relishes in the violence! Jacob pulls Santana up off of Vachon, who finally releases his hold on the wire.]
ELIJAH CARLSON
Sometimes I sit in this seat and I wonder how my life has gotten to this point. Where I’m sitting here, commentating this match, and trying to convince people that this is what wrestling is. It’s not. This isn’t wrestling. This is backyard murder fetish porn and it’s disgusting.
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Backyard wrestlers. Hardcore wrestlers. Whatever you call it or however they may dubbed, they have to use all this violence, and props, and weapons, and stunt foolery to mask the fact that they’re seriously and technically inept wrestlers. Name one good hardcore wrestler who is actually a good wrestler? You can’t. They all suck.
[Deathrow ends up tangled in the razor wire and attempts in vain to free himself! Santana gets shoved across the security barrier to end up in the crowd! Kuntz leaps over the barrier to fight amongst the fateful. Johnny gets up to come in at Deathrow with a wicked elbow to the face! MDK staggers back before Vachon rolls his foe back into the ring while Matt is still tangled in the sharp wire.]
[Kuntzy stomps down on Santana in the crowd while Vachon pins a dazed and tangled Deathrow!]
...ONE!
...TWO!
KICK OUT!
ELIJAH CARLSON
You know I would say that Deathrow looked out of it but he doesn’t ever look like he’s in it. The dude has that permanent Vietnam thousand mile stare. But hey, he doesn’t like GHB so he’s alright to me.
​
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
I don’t think Johnny knows where he’s at… at the moment. That pinfall attempt was so basic, he was never getting a three count.
[Matt kicks out and the shifting causes the wire to cut Johnny across the arm, deep! Both men are now bleeding. Jacob pulls up at Santana, who rips a mask off an old lady’s face suddenly! Johnson uses the facial mask by the ear loops to choke Kuntzy! Jacob clutches at his throat while Johnson shifts around to end up directly behind him.]
[Vachon and MDK now roll around the ring fighting and biting at one another! They leave a smudge of blood behind as they roll around. Like their collective bodies are paint rollers to leave a fresh coat of blood on the canvas. Meanwhile, Jacob takes a chair from a member of the crowd and begins swinging it back at Santana and himself! The chair hits both men in the face but Kuntzy being Kuntzy, swings at himself and Johnson again! Both men end up on the floor surrounded completely by the crowd now.]
[Jacob and Santana fall over the security barrier and back into the battleground. A slow motion shot shows the kamikaze esque maneuver by Jacob to regain his ability to breath once more. The chair busted both men open so now all four wrestlers are bleeding. The two men stumble towards the ring while MDK has now gotten free of the razor wire. Blood is smeared all over the ring from the injuries these two have given each other by fighting while tangled in sharp wire. Matt has regained the upper hand and sits atop Vachon’s chest while slamming fists down onto him repeatedly! Jacob comes in behind Deathrow with a bulldog that essentially squashes Vachon beneath the men’s weight and the blood stained canvas. Santana comes in from behind squatting to yank Kuntzy’s feet from beneath him after Johnson utilizes the razor wire!]
[Jacob realizes he’s been cut but could care less. Johnson charges at him full speed ahead as he leaps up to both feet to counter with a low blow! Santana tries to brush it off but not in time! He gets cradled up by Jacob into a pumphandle death valley driver! In The Crawlspace! Jacob hooks a leg!]
ELIJAH CARLSON
God have mercy on us all if he pulls this off.
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Do not use the Lords name in vain like that. Especially for these twerps.
...ONE!
...TWO!
KICK OUT!
ELIJAH CARLSON
Thank fuck.
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Johnny might have a few screws loose in the head. Two attempted pinfalls, zero result on success.
[Kuntzy can’t believe it! Both men lie on their backs looking up at the bright lights. The referee finally gains order by getting Deathrow and Vachon in their respective corners. MDK and Johnny both vanish off the apron while the camera pans close to the in ring action. Both men reappear and both roll light tubes into the ring slowly from two different sides of the ring.]
[MDK and Vachon get back up on the apron while staring each other down. Kuntzy gets up to find the light tubes and Santana already has a hold of one lying on his side. Deathrow dashes through the ropes suddenly leading Vachon to cut him off! The two men begin fighting again! Throwing punches that find the mark more than not and both men end up falling through the ropes and back out onto the apron. Jacob watches this while Johnson stands awaiting behind him…]
[Kuntzy turns around to find Santana, who kicks him in the abdomen swiftly! Johnson cradles up Jacob for a perfect spiked DDT into the pile of glass tubes! Santana falls down atop of Kuntzy before hooking a leg in the shattered glass!]
ELIJAH CARLSON
WHY IS THERE EVEN A PILE OF GLASS TUBES?! WHY ARE THESE THINGS THAT SUPPOSED WRESTLERS HAVE ACCESS TO FOR A MATCH?! Kimi I blame this on you. All of it. You should know better. Shame on you.
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Despite the unnecessary waste of glass, which is totally not environment friendly. I think Santana has got him to be honest.
...ONE!
...TWO!
...THREE!
[DING! DING! DING!]
MIKE DEMPSEY
Here are your winners AND STILL the Union Battleground Battalion Champions, The Death Merchants!
[Kuntzy rolls around in the glass still in a daze. The referee hands the title belts to Santana, who tears them away. Deathrow rolls into the ring, a bloody mess. Johnny sits up against the security barrier drawing on a lit smoke. The Death Merchants hands are raised but this fight is far from over.]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Well Eli doesn’t want to say anything at the end of matches, but I have no issue doing it. If you wanted to see an absolute insane match with very little wrestling involved, this was the highlight of the night for you ladies and gentleman. Shouting Santana Johnson and Thiefman Matt ‘Deathrow’ King successfully retain their tag team championships. Congratulations!
KAREN WILLOW
Feels different being here.
[There’s no Danny by her side. No Mina. At the present moment, Karen Willow is backstage, preparing for her big match. There’s a sense of nervous energy about her as she bounces up and down on her heels, looking around the currently empty locker room.]
KAREN WILLOW
All I heard over the past year or so was that this was the place to make it. You could be a triple champion in your regional promotion or be champion of Boulder, Colorado, but if you wanted to prove you belonged at the top of this business, well, you prove it in Union. From names like Kaven Drell and Dakota Smith to Bryan Williams and Indi Rhyder. This is where the best of the best come and show the world how good they are.
[Karen pauses, letting those words sink in as she exhaled slowly. The nervous energy seems to calm down as she lowers to the ground, feet firmly planted.]
KAREN WILLOW
And no one, not a single soul, would’ve expected me to be in the main event of Union. If you had asked even six months ago, the idea of me main eventing here would’ve been laughable. A pipe dream. Only now it’s anything but. And as much as it pains me to give you any sort of positive vibes, I do need to thank you for that Miles. You wanted me so bad that I’m now here, moments away from taking your titles and becoming Three Belt Karen.
[There’s that cocksure grin, Karen gesturing with her eyebrows as she grabs the ends of her jacket.]
KAREN WILLOW
Okay, maybe not that name, but the sentiment remains. I didn’t come just to give you the validation you’re after; Miles, you dear sweet boy, I’m here to shove pliers in your mouth and rip out that bastard tongue of yours. I’m in it to win it bird boy, and goddamn am I looking forward to this very moment. Knowing how confident you are, how assured of victory you feel, and watching it slowly slip away as you face that cold reality. That despite your twitter game, despite your belief in yourself, little Karen Willow is going to take your titles and you can’t stop it.
[The grin seems to grow wider as she reaches just off screen, pulling in the NVR World Heavyweight Title into frame. Draping it over her shoulder, Karen makes sure that the title is shining brightly, the nameplate reading “KAREN WILLOW” as she admires the belt.]
KAREN WILLOW
This was all I needed to get you to come for me. And no matter how much you want to say that you’re the one doing the favors here, how you’re ‘punching down’ and giving me the best match? You were the one who wanted this to happen. You were the one who was obsessed with me while I went about my own business. It could’ve been anyone, but it was me, and now you have to live knowing that you invited the one person who can and will take your titles. Your previous undefeated streak. You chose your own destruction and you don’t even realize it yet.
[She chuckles under her breath as she pays the title, glancing back at the camera.]
KAREN WILLOW
I don’t need NVR backing me. They didn’t do it for Danny either, and he walked out with the victory over Bryan. This title says I’m the best wrestler in NVR right now, and trust me, that’s not gonna change anytime soon. But if you think I need them to cheer me and support me and prop me up, then you’re going to be real disappointed to find that I could care less.
[Her grip on the title gets tighter, almost possessively holding on as the grin slides away, replaced by a grimace. Her eyes narrow as she exhaled through her nose, shaking her head.]
KAREN WILLOW
You want this to be NVR vs. Union. You need it to be NVR vs. Union to satiate your ego. But all NVR did was open the door for me to come in. This is Karen Willow and Miles Lucky, full stop. This title looks damn good on me, but it’s not what I’m fighting for tonight. I’m not fighting for a company, or to maintain the record that Danny started. This isn't a promotional war no matter how much you wish it was. This? This is you against me. I came to your place like I said I would, and I’m going to take your title, like I said I would.
[Letting go of the title, Karen stretches out her hand, palm facing downward as she maintains eye contact with the camera. The hand remains firm as she smirks.]
KAREN WILLOW
I don’t see any shaking. Tonight Miles? I’m taking your fucking titles.
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MIKE DEMPSEY
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for the Main Event of the evening! The following battle is scheduled for one fall and is for the Union Battleground Unified Championship! Introducing first…
​
♫
IT MAY NOT MEAN NOTHING TO Y'ALL
BUT UNDERSTAND NOTHING WAS DONE FOR ME
SO I DON'T PLAN ON STOPPING AT ALL
I WANT THIS SHIT FOREVER MAYNE, EVER MAYNE, EVER MAYNE
I'M SHUTTING SHIT DOWN IN THE MALL
♫
​
[“Forever” continues to play as the crowd looks on in confusion, only to break out into cheers as Karen Willow walks out, NVR World Title around her waist as she pauses on top of the ramp.]
MIKE DEMPSEY
… standing 5’3” and weighing in at 110 pounds...
[Looking out into the crowd, Karen smiles before making her way down, hands resting atop the title. Karen makes her way around the ring, slapping hands with several outstretched hands before sliding into the ring, keeping the momentum going by rolling up to her knees.]
MIKE DEMPSEY
… from Cleveland, Ohio, she is the NVR World Champion, presenting Karen Willow!
[Popping to her feet, Karen runs to the nearest turnbuckle and leaps onto the second rope, screaming out into the sea of fans. Karen unhooks the title before raising it proudly into the air, drawing another chorus of cheers from the fans as the music slowly fades out.]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
This crowd that shouldn’t even be here are really hype for Karen!
ELIJAH CARLSON
Nothing good comes out of Cleveland so fuck this bitch.
MIKE DEMPSEY
And her opponent...
​
♫
YOU WERE CRACKING ALL YOUR FINGERS
WITH YOUR EYES FIXED TO THE FLOOR
SOUND HAD ECHOED DOWN THE STREET
BY THE MONUMENT YOU HEAR
♫
​
[“Play God” by Sam Fender hits throughout! Everyone in the crowd reacts one way or another. Miles Lucky emerges from behind the curtain in a burst! The champion has tied the companies two top singles titles together and drags them behind him. Wild eyes and sudden jerks alert the fateful that the man has indeed come around.]
MIKE DEMPSEY
… standing 6’2” and weighing in at 180 pounds, he is the reigning, defending, undisputed Union Battleground Unified Champion, presenting Miles Lucky!
​
♫
EVERY WORD WOULD HERD THE CYNICAL
EVERY WORD WOULD CUT YOUR TEETH
AND HE WILL PLAY GOD
AND HE WILL PLAY GOD
♫
​
[Miles twitches as the referee holds up both of Lucky’s championships. Willow hands her belt off to a ring grip while the ref does the same with Miles’s. The two wrestlers stare each other down from across the ring as the crowd waits in complete anticipation for this championship match to begin.]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Happy Pigeon Day!
ELIJAH CARLSON
Fun fact, Miles Lucky is my best friend. And he’s going to win tonight.
[DING!]
[Miles lunges for Willow, who steps out of the way! Lucky ends up in the corner while Karen comes up from behind the double champion. Miles swings around to catch a double eye rake from the challenger! Lucky reaches up with both hands to rub his eyes while simultaneously turning away! Karen rolls him up from behind out of nowhere!]
...ONE!
...KICK OUT!
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Karen attempting the roll-up of doom! Did not work out.
ELIJAH CARLSON
It’s only an effective option if you’re Aidan Carlisle.
[Lucky puts his hands out, flush on the mat. He begins to push himself back up after breaking the pin only to find Willow already up! She stomps down on his fingers with true malice intent! Lucky pulls the hand to his body only to have the other one stomped as well! The champion rolls out of the ring suddenly!]
[Lucky shakes his hands briefly before jerking violently. The tick numbs the pain a bit leaving him furious for even having to roll out of the ring. Karen leans over the top rope to talk some trash to Lucky, who lunges up to yank her on over! Willow’s body hits the edge of the apron before spilling out onto the outside floor!]
[Karen gets up quickly to find herself, face to face with Miles Lucky! He leans way back with his head before lunging forward to smash his skull into Willow’s with real force! The shot is shown in replay of blood flying in every direction in slow motion! Both wrestlers are busted open instantly from the violent lick!]
[Miles gets up slowly only to bend down to his opponent. He strokes her hair briefly before tucking a strand of hair behind her left ear. He then takes off a shoe and throws it at Alessandro at the announcer’s desk! It hits the mark!]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
AAAAARRRRGGGGHHH! WTF! MAN DOWN ELI! MAN DOWN! I JUST GOT FOOT FUCKED!
ELIJAH CARLSON
You’ll be alright. It’s just Miles getting to know you. Besides, do you know how much a Miles Lucky shoe is going for these days? Probably not quite enough to cover up the fucking that your ex wife gave you in divorce court but it might be close.
[Lucky rolls into the ring while the newest edition to the commentating team gets hazed by the company champion for all to see. Karen Willow uses these precious moments to gather herself before sliding into the ring behind her opponent quietly.]
[Karen comes up from behind just as Miles turns to capture him up into a headlock! She then pokes him in both eyes before releasing him! Lucky staggers back leading Willow to lunge forward right at him! Miles catches her with a scoop slam in the center of the ring! Lucky then stands back up to hover above her briefly before dropping a knee down across Willow’s throat! Lucky then rips out a handful of Karen’s hair in a single sharp yank! Union’s top champion then begins tying it to his own hair. Miles then pops up once more to ask the referee for the time while still twisting his opponents hair onto his own.]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
I need some water and a towel, and a few eye drops. I have no clue what is happening in the ring right now, I’m temporarily blind from one eye. Eli what is happening?
ELIJAH CARLSON
Have you ever seen Silence of the Lambs?
[Karen struggles to breath on the mat while Miles twitches and scratches his chest through his shirt. The Union Unified Champion rushes over to the corner suddenly. He begins taking the turnbuckle padding off! The exposed bare metal buckles glisten in the bright lights. Miles swings around to find Willow charging at him! “Fuck It!”can be heard as she crashes into Union’s Unified Champ! He falls back into a seated position up against the exposed turnbuckles! Two different cuts can be seen bleeding through his t-shirt from the back.]
[Karen takes a few steps back before charging at Lucky, who remains slumped over in the corner! Miles eyes open before he lunges to his feet to capture up Willow into an excellent exploder suplex into the bare buckles in the corner! She ends up in a twisted mess.]
[Miles takes off his shirt to realize the gashes across his back. He peers down at the back of his now bloodstained t-shirt. He narrows his gaze at Willow, who remains down on the mat struggling.]
[Lucky almost tippy toes over to Karen. He bends down to take hold of her only to be rolled up into a pin out of nowhere!]
...ONE!
...TWO!
KICK OUT!
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Okay. All cleaned up. Who is winning? What did I miss?
ELIJAH CARLSON
Not even a hard question. It’s Miles. It was always gonna be Miles.
[Miles kicks out at two and a half and comes off the mat with an expression of pure shock! Willow gets up on both knees to spit blood at Lucky! She bit two holes in her tongue during the exploder suplex into the corner. Willow’s mouth fills with blood while she gets back up to both feet. Lucky comes in to swing a sharp elbow that misses the mark! Karen knees him with all she’s got in the rib cage! The sharp shot robs Miles of all the air inside his lungs.]
[Willow manages to apply a wrist lock that she locks in from behind. She uses Miles’s slender frame against him by twisting him in position to deliver a stomp to the spine! Lucky falls face first on the mat. Karen hits the mat and rolls out of the ring. A fan in the front row throws a chair in the ring from the crowd suddenly! Last time this happened in Union, the ring filled with chairs. Security wrangles the crazed fan while Willow gets an idea.]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Wow the Barclays Center aren’t going to be happy about that. That’s property damage. Also the chairs in the arena are bolted to the floor. Did that fan bring in a industrial sized spanner to loosen the bolts. How on earth did they get that past security. Are they even wearing a mask?
ELIJAH CARLSON
We’ve gone over this already. Covid doesn’t exist here unless it’s being used as a bit by Perry Wallace.
[Lucky rolls over onto his back to end up lying on the chair now. Karen rushes to the bare corner and climbs up quick. She turns around to face out. She works the crowd briefly before taking the leap. Miles leaps to both feet in a single bound to rush the turnbuckle! He leaps up to counter with a frankensteiner off the top rope! Flashes throughout capture the moment forever while Lucky spikes the NVR Champion’s head into the fan’s chair! The crowd pops!]
[Miles crawls over to his foe in order to hook a leg!]
...ONE!
...TWO!
KICK OUT!
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Woah how did Karen kick out of that, she should be dead right now.
ELIJAH CARLSON
From your lips to Gods ears. I might actually pay closer attention if people actually did die in wrestling matches.
[Lucky and Karen end up on their back staring up at the bright lights. The two wrestlers sit up and begin punching at one another. Willow uses Miles to pull herself up to her feet. She lunges a knee out to catch Lucky on the jaw! Lucky falls back into a seated position on the mat. Willow takes off at him looking for a drop kick but Miles simply falls back! Miss! Karen nearly falls out of the ring only to be caught by none other than Miles Lucky!]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
This is like some matrix like reflexes happening right now. How did Miles both fall over and use the wind direction in the arena, to find himself catch a stumbling Karen???
ELIJAH CARLSON
My best friend can do anything.
[Willow kicks at Lucky with her free leg only to have it captured up by Miles as well. He stands up and spreads Karen’s legs before stomping down on her midsection! Over and over he drops heels to her abdomen without mercy!]
[The Union Champion halts his offense suddenly. Miles twitches then reaches up with his right hand to drag his nails across his own chest to leave deep bloody scratches in it! Karen wobbles to one knee only to be caught by Lucky for a cradle DDT! 9:30! Miles hooks a leg quick!]
...ONE!
...TWO!
...THREE!
[DING! DING! DING!]
MIKE DEMPSEY
Here is your winner AND STILL the Union Battleground Unified Champion, Miles Lucky!
[Miles raises up and swiftly bites the cheek of his fallen foe! She screams out as Miles stands up. A fan throws a glass liquor bottle at Lucky but it hits the bare turnbuckle and shatters out alongside Karen.]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Barclays Center security really failed to do their job tonight. You’re not allowed to bring glass to the arena.
ELIJAH CARLSON
Oh. Right. This is your first time. Get used to this. Rules don’t really apply to Union Battleground and its shows.
[Lucky looks at her face then at a large piece of the broken glass then back at her. Miles snatches up the shard of glass then hovers over the fallen NVR Champion. The Unified Champion steps over her then reaches down with his left hand to pull her up. He takes the glass and begins to drag it down alongside her temple! The crowd groans in shock as they watch the company champion attempt to cut off the face of another human being!]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
This is disgusting. WHAT THE FUCK?!?
ELIJAH CARLSON
Buffalo Miles.
♫
CHEAP SMOKE
RISING LIKE A SPIRIT IN THE
SOFT GLOW OF A NEW YORK STREET
NO GLAMOUR OR GARB CAN HIDE
THE ANIMAL HEART INSIDE OF ME
♫
​
[“A Dog’s Life” by Miracle of Sounds blasts across the loud speakers to bring the crowd to their feet! Daniel MacNamara charges down the ramp and past the large razor blade in a hurry! The fans cameras flash as Danny Mac slides into the ring!]
​
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Hell YEAH! Here comes the wolf man.
ELIJAH CARLSON
Oh come on now, Danny. We were all having a great time and now you’re ruining everything.
[Lucky swings around while releasing his hold on Daniel’s love interest with a sly grin across his face. MacNamara charges the champion on to receive a cut across the right arm! Lucky licks his lips after drawing blood with a piece of the broken liquor bottle. The two men begin swapping blows while Karen bleeds from her face down on the mat. Daniel’s eyes are wild with rage as he pushes down Miles to the mat after getting the piece of glass. He uses both hands around the sharp glass! He attempts to bring it down into the skull of Union’s top champion! Miles also has both hands on the sharp piece of glass. The blood from the cuts on his and Daniel’s hands drip down onto his face like rain during a spring storm. MacNamara intends to kill Miles, who knees Daniel in the crotch suddenly!]
​
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
POW! Right in the kisser.
ELIJAH CARLSON
That’s actually the dick, AQ.
[Lucky manages to roll out of the ring and backs up the ramp while dragging both belts. MacNamara checks on Karen while glaring at the smiling champion as the credits begin to roll.]
ALESSANDRO QUAGLIATERRE
Well Eli. This was fun. I hope Union fans watching at home and around the world, enjoyed tonight's show. We’ll see you in a fortnight? They do shows every two weeks right? Anyway whenever it is at for Lights Out #42 in YOOOOOOOOOO ATLANTIC CITY, NEW JERSEY BABY. MY HOME STATE. OMG THAT IS GOING TO BE SO LIT! AFTERPARTY AT MY HOUSE Y’ALL. Everybody be invited. Except that smurf chick. I don’t like her. Plus she may have cancer it could be contagious.
ELIJAH CARLSON
Is that what fortnight means? Two weeks? Fuck I don’t know brother. I think it’s probably a month. God help us if we have to do this bullshit every two weeks. How about four score and seven years from now? That sounds better to me.
[An uneven set of footsteps echo off the walls of the Barclays Center parking garage. It’s there that Zack Fantana, hobbled from the preceding night’s events finds his Irish exit foiled in the form of a camera lens dialed in on him from ten yards away.]
[His presence alone seems to lend credence to the notion that Saturday wasn't just another guest spot for Zack Fantana, and that was a possibility that certainly did not elude Union Battleground’s Savannah Skye.]
SAVANNAH SKYE
Zack! Care to fill us in on why you’re here at Relapse? It doesn’t look like you’re simply attending as a spectator.
[Savannah gestures toward the UB credentials hanging loosely around his neck.]
ZACK FANTANA
Oh, you know, standard exit interview.
[Zack winces as he adjusts the duffle bag slung over his shoulder.]
SAVANNAH SKYE
Is there any truth to the rumor that you’ll be returning to take another run at the Battalion Championships alongside QT Reese?
​
ZACK FANTANA
No.
[Without even breaking stride, Zack clicks the button on his key fob to unlock all of the doors on his 2013 Kia Sorento, but just before opening the driver’s side door, Zack pauses as if to reconsider. He steps back around the vehicle and returns to his mark.]
ZACK FANTANA
Fuck no.
[Zack’s eyes wander to the boom mic overhead.]
ZACK FANTANA
Just needed to make sure the audio was picked up on that.
[Upon receiving confirmation from the sound guy, Zack resumes walk-and-talk mode with the camera in tow.]
ZACK FANTANA
No, it seems that QT and I just were just not part of God’s plan, and what a tragedy that is, but every cloud has a silver lining and...
[Zack trails off as he stares wistfully into the middle distance.]
ZACK FANTANA
…closed doors and opened doors and whathaveyou.
[Apparently never having read a Hallmark card front-to-back in his life, Zack opens his own door gingerly before leaning over the roof to offer one final thought to Savannah Skye for her time.]
ZACK FANTANA
If God wanted me to be a tag team wrestler, all he’d have to do is give me a sign.
[Twirling the key ring on his index finger, Zack slides into the vehicle and starts the ignition. The radio squeals with static as Zack fastens his seat belt with care. Desperate to find some easy listening for his Sunday drive, Zack taps the seek button on the radio head unit and eases into his seat for the journey home. He throws the vehicle into drive and no sooner does he escape the parking lot before…]
“FUCK MEEEEEEEEEE.”
[The glass ahead of him shatters before his eyes all 170 lbs. of American Tommy crashes into his windshield. The airbag deploys into Zack’s face and slowly deflates as the camera quickly pans up to the first floor balcony, where it finds Kimitsu Zombie leaning over the railing. She soon notices the camera herself and gives it a two-finger salute before disappearing from frame.]
[Returning its attention to the Sorento now, the camera slowly zooms in to find Zack Fantana sitting amongst the wreckage inside, his mouth agape in shock as every proximity sensor in the vehicle warns him of a possible collision ahead.]
♫
(Ah) I gotta new life
You would hardly recognize me I'm so glad
How could a person like me care for you?
(Ah) Why do I bother
When you're not the one for me
Ooh, is enough, enough?
I saw the sign and it...
♫
[His hand trembling, Zack punches the power button on the FM radio before Ace of Base could make any further mockery of the situation. Quietly taking stock of the motionless body penetrating his mid-size sports utility vehicle, Zack sighs and turns on the windshield wiper in a vain attempt to clear the American Tommy from his field of vision. Alas, when even the courtesy wipe doesn’t finish the job, Zack opened the door and slowly approached to search for any signs of life.]
[Tommy rolls over holding his back and gasps for air. He looks, well, he looks exactly like you’d think someone would look after being thrown off the first floor of a building and onto a car. Just more handsome. Chicks dig people that fall from high places, right? It worked for Chris Cane. He’s got a two piece going on right now. He looks to his side and sees Zack. He moans.]
​
AMERICAN TOMMY
I must be in hell.
[Tommy rolls himself off Zack’s Sorento and onto the concrete pavement. He gingerly gets up off the ground and leans against the car. Tommy looks up and scratches the back of his head and then looks at Zack.]
AMERICAN TOMMY
How’d you die?
